Ketchup.

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out.

I guess you deserve a little more explanation than just a blog. BUT, I have an entire new life here, and as much as I want to be able to keep my friendships exactly the way they were before I left, it's almost impossible. I can't begin to really live here until I can stop living the life I had there. That's a part of moving away people don't realize they HAVE to face. You have to pick one of your worlds, you can't live in both. You think you can "keep in touch" and you probably sincerely want to, it's just extremely difficult. That's the boat I'm in folks. Believe me when I say I am trying to keep you updated...but stalking my facebook is about the only way you'll be able to stay updated for the moment. Perhaps in the future, I will be able to juggle both, but right now, my focus is on my future and finding where I need to be, relationships I need to invest in here, and what I need to be doing with the time God has given me.

On that note, what have I been doing with my time?
Welllll I've been blessed with a full time job, that not only pays the rent but comes with awesome co workers and food ;) I have my own place and a puppy, Sidney! I teach PE part time as well and babysit every now and then. Crossfit is my outlet in a lot of ways. I LOVE it. I'm getting certified in February here in San Antonio. Kinda sorta have a church home here, I go to an amazing college ministry called Emerge, such a blessing. And I go to another church on Sundays. It's difficult not knowing every single face in passing at church though. I miss that so much about home. It's amazing how much just a familiar face can make you feel 100 times better. But, I don't go to church to "feel good", so there's lesson number one of about a bajillion! On the social side, I get out every now and then for a night of two stepping or a Texas country concert. But honestly, I work and workout so much I just want to sleep most nights.
In between all of that, I have decided that I am going to pursue my BBA at the University of Michigan (Lord willing!). I got to spend a weekend up there for the OSU vs. UM game with my dad and it just solidified all the dreams I had about going to that University. My theory on that one is this: Michigan has been my dream since I can remember. The only person who can make it a reality is ME. Frankly, the clock is ticking, and as long as my heart is pumping I'm going to keep stepping into the unknown. If the Lord opens a door, I go. If He shuts this one, I start over, no big deal. He's got my back!

Sasha, you're packing up and leaving again?! Well, my life shouldn't consist of a city and people. My life is my relationship with Christ and how I make Him known everyday. I'll be honest, I haven't been coming close to that. At all. Thankfully, His "mercies endure forever" and He is still making me new everyday. I'm taking all of these lessons one day at a time, and I'm a work in progress. Whether the end result gets me to Ann Arbor, Michigan or back home in Tampa, I have no idea. But I know who's hands my life is in. Do I still worry about meeting deadlines and making the cut? AB-SO-FREAKIN-LUTELY! I trust the Lord, but I am still human, know that. But with Him I don't need to concern myself with acceptance or impressing, I will never make the cut in someone's eyes. In God's eyes though, I'm His perfect creation whom He loves endlessly. THAT is good news. :) And the people I meet along the way make the journey bearable and fun. I'm so blessed to have all of the people I do in my life!

Just a little piece of goodness the Lord has been revealing to me that I'll share with the ladies : )
Don't settle. Ever, ever, ever. And don't assume you're NOT settling by being naive. Know what you should have, want and deserve and don't take anything less. If he makes you happy, great. But get the guys who makes you happy because of his overflow of love for the Lord, which in turn makes him love YOU. Basically this: KNOW and WAIT. Put P31 into action.

Okay I'm out for now.
Maybe a real blog next time, and not 2 months later! ;)

The truth about vegan choc pudding.

..is that it's not so great. Actually, I'm repulsed at the fact I'm still eating it. Haha. First thing I have ever gotten from Whole Foods (aka fave store EVER) and not liked. It's okay, the vegan choc chip cookies were PRISTINE today. I am going to be a diabetic someday, geeeeez. OR just have no teeth from all this SUGAA. I went to the dentist this mornin.. result: 2 stinkin cavities. TWO! Ugh I suck. (this was not this morning but like four days ago) I'm real great at keeping this updated ;)

On a more relevant note:
I did FGB6 today. And I fell in love with crossfit a little more. Even though I think I was garbage, it was worth it. In the words of a fellow crossfitter I met this morning, (with a SWEET British accent, might I add) "Crossfit is like a cult, really. I mean look at all of us. Look at what we're doing!" She was a hoot. Honestly true though! Crossfit is a whole different breed of fitness. I love it and I don't plan on bailing anytime soon. At all.

Okay and this is my blogger happy post/rant. Here's the background: I was reading through some emails the other day and came across some I had sent a year or two ago with a friend of mine. Part of it really stuck out to me. I was talking about my "dreams". Some of the things I said I can't even picture myself saying (which can be both good and bad). But what really got me was how different I see this now having hindsight. But that my dreams haven't really changed.

"Oh, I have so many dreams. Just know, I would abandon these dreams any day for a much higher calling!I think I have already mentioned this one.. For as long as I can remember, I have always had a heart for children, especially those in need. Because of that, I desire to adopt a child if the Lord blesses me with the opportunity, and a husband of course. But beyond that, I have this crazy dream of adopting a child from every continent. I mean obviously not antarctica. And I would probably not adopt from North America, but you get my drift. It's not impossible, but it's pretty out there

I definitely dream of cheering and fitness competing again. I dream of moving away and finding the place I "fit" instead of the melting pot of Tampa. I dream of traveling the world for a year for pleasure and missions. I dream of teaching my kids Bible stories and how to french braid and take them kayaking and picking them up from their grandparent's house happy as can be.

I really dream about a family.

More prevalent would be my desire to just finish school on top and life magically falls into place. I find a great job anywhere in the country as long as they have beaches or mountains or something awesome to offer and then out of nowhere I fall in love, get married and have a family. Pretty simple, but I know that's just an "American Dream". I kind of want nothing to do with it. God didn't call me to live the American Dream He called me to be a disciple, to know Him and make Him known. Sure, I can still do all of those thing and bring glory to the Lord, I know that. But, I don't want it to tempt me from my true calling. It's like the American dream is sitting on a platter next to God's unknown plan for my life, the dream looks SO good and is so tempting, I would rather just not be able to see it.

I would describe the kind of guy I "dream" of, but I just can't. I feel like a lessen the value of who God has set apart for me by trying to make some non-existent, dream husband up. I think I talked about that in my very first blog. You can see my blunt side in that one, but it's all so true. Check it out if you get the chance. Whoever God has in store is perfect. I couldn't put a better label on him than that-not military, athlete, pastor, whatever. So yeah, those are some of my dreams!"

I know we go through seasons in our walk with the Lord just like anything else. Maybe I was at a great place then. It just encourages me to get back there. And to be able to tell someone that I want nothing to do with the American dream. Cause in my heart, I don't. But sometimes it's just easier to fall into that mindset. (But I mean I'm a crossfitter...since when do I choose easy!!?) I loved this, "I feel like a lessen the value of who God has set apart for me by trying to make some non-existent, dream husband up. " Woooo! Did I really say that?!? My own words speak volumes to me, right now. I understood then, that the Lord would provide in time what I need. And right now, I need to do the same. No matter how crappy the situation, it seems to me, my God always provides. This too is in His hands. And I'm okay with that.

Truth Hurts?

Not even on the plane to come home and I'm observing things definitely blog worthy. Well, actually these are status worthy things, but I feel like people hate me when I post so many statuses haha.

IF I did though, this is what they would say:

Dear woman behind me in the terminal, thank you for sharing your tastes in music with me and everyone around you. Opinion: IT SUCKS. Turn your freakin music down..you're kinda sorta missing the point of headphones. #genius.

Yes, man in front of me in the terminal, we can also hear your youtube videos. I'm guessing you searched for "hillbilly gator huntin" or "rednecks falling over"? Again, HEADPHONES. #howoldareyou?

Annnnnd now I'm loling in the terminal. Reading Damnyouautocorrect.com. HILAR.

Check it.

Now, from today which was my plane ride back to Texas.

I decided to wear my toe shoes through the airport and got quite a bit of conversation from it. While waiting in line at Chili's, the guy in front of me (about my age), turns around and says, "hey are those things comfy?" And we continued to chat about my lovely shoes until I had to order lol. I sat down and got on my computer and got my food before they did. As their order came, he walked by me and says, "Later, toe feet!". HA! I didn't realize he was talking to me at first either! Too great.
One of the TSA security guys and my flight attendant also conversed with me about my shoes. You know how guys can use puppies to attract chicks? Well I think my shoes almost work in the same way haaaaaa! Except they attract mainly dudes. Occasionally ladies will ask me about them. Either way I LOVE IT :)

Crossfit makes me curse sometimes. HA!

Haha I got this picture from someone who does crossfit at TBC. (If you live in SA, TOTES check out one of the free classes. Best workout you will ever experience.)

Anyways, not only because I never get injured while in my crossfit classes, I'm just obsessed. The work outs never get old and the coaches are phe-nommmmm. Not gonna lie, I was super intimidated, but now it's just a challenge to keep up with the veterans :) And I notice the difference in how my body is reacting to these workouts versus going to the same bodypump class everyday. Insane. My core has NEVER been as sore as it is right now. I freakin love it! Today was my first REAL class. The ones I've been going to for the past 2 weeks are fundamental and entry level classes. Which, by the way still kick butt. The work outs consist of a warm up, ante, and WOD. Here's today's lovely lineup:

ANTE:
150 Wall Ball (low squats with soft weighted ball, tossed to a target on the wall. But you stand like a foot from the wall)
1 x for time- 7min:40sec was my time.

(Most the guys used 12 and 20, but I used the 8 ball...150 is a freakin lot. I could have done 12 though seeing I was the first one done haha).

WOD:

1000 meter row
50 Thrusters
30 Pull ups

1 x for time- 12min:38sec was my time.

This wasn't incredibly awful until I got half way into the thrusters. Because Dan had me do these last night. But the up side to the ones this morning is that it was just the 35 lb bar. But trust me, that was plenty. AND I had a medium band for the pull ups. It sucked. I was cursing a little bit haha, it's what happens when I work out sometimes. But, it felt so good to FINISH. ay dios mio!

And nowwwww my leg. Freakin garbage. Had to cancel my photo shoot on Sunday in FL cause I look like roadkill :( Oh well. I'm still going to the beach :) Just gonna sport a bruise haha.


My masterpiece of a bruise. It literally makes a perfect semi circle from the front of my knee to the side of my thigh. I have a golfball sized knot/bruise on my other leg too. haha fail.

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Can't a girl exercise in one piece?!

If you have been sadly keeping up with my facebook statuses in the past couple weeks you would know that I have had some very unfortunate encounters when it comes to activities outdoors. Literally everytime I'm outside something wrong happens.

Skip to the bottom if you just want to know why I despise men, texas and bikes haha.

**Bloody battle wound pictures at bottom too. :)

And here's tonight's award winning story. -__-

I start biking at 8PM at Leon Trails. It's light out when I start but I have a light on my bike cause I knew it'd be dark by the time I finished. Twenty minutes, 5 miles, turn around. One mile later it's gettin pretty dark, but I've got my handy light still! I'm at the part of the trail where there's houses on one side. Well for some reason I swerve a little and instead of over correcting and going the other way I shrug it off and just ride a split second off the sidewalk. Oh what's that in front of me? (I really don't know what it's called because we don't have them in Florida #win) but it's that drainage thing between houses. For my non-Texan readers it's like as wide as sidewalk and made of concrete, but it's about a foot and a half deep. So it's a little concrete river without the water. Yeah sure?
Ok well I was pedaling full speed at that sucker. Couldn't see it whatsoever. *But Sasha you had a light!?! YEAH the light is so other people can see me...not so I can see everything :(
Welp the front tire hit the far side. I flew over the bike. Then the bike flew over me. Would've been a nice action shot, like forreal.

A. I would like to thank karate for teaching me how to fall correctly. Perhaps why my elbow and/or shoulder is not broken right now. But the rest of me...hurts.

B. I would also like to thank Coach Adam for teaching me to fight for my spot in cheerleading, which in turn made me always get back up no matter how hard I had just fallen out of a stunt and do it again.

So, you guessed it. I got up. Picked the bike up. Stood there for a second and then realized my light didn't work.*%$^&%$*! Really?! I'm four miles out in the dark with no light. Oh and this is the ONLY time I have ever been on this trail without a phone. Go figure. Angry.
So I just start to walk with the bike. Yes, I clearly could have gotten back on but I was quite angry at the bike at this moment haha.

When I get to some light I realize I have blood dripping down my leg. *Any on my Vibrams?!!? NO. Whew! :)
Then not one but TWO bikers with working lights I might add come up behind me. I look right at them. Stopped with my bike and neither of them say a word. Men. RUDE.

And I get passed by a male runner. Says nothing. Seriously?!

So I get angrier and hop on the bike and slowly make my way back. I'm angrier now because I just got walked by AND I won't make my time I had set. Ten minutes passes. Some toolbag passes me and (Yes, I realize he had no idea I fell off my bike but still he wasn't polite) says, "Hey man, where's your lights!?" in a very cocky 'this is my trail" kind of way. So I replied, "I fell over my handle bars and broke it. THANKS!" I added some reaaaaaal polite french words under my breath but I will leave those to your imagination.

Anywho. I get back (still finishing a ten mile ride in 50 mins I might add). And I go to the police officer who is parked by the trail entrance and I kindly ask if he has a first aid kit. Nope. But after I went to the car to get the one I remembered we had in there he came over and checked out my leg. Said it might need stitches. Bleh. So ems came and cleaned me up. No stitches though. HALLELUJAH! :D
They told me it would scar. I was like yeah broooo battle wound!

But here is my explanation for despising MEN, TEXAS, and BIKES tonight:

Men: The 3 *&#$%^! guys that passed me and didn't bother to help AND especially the jerk who yelled at me for being lightless.

Texas: I can do nothing in the great outdoors of your state alone, ever. This is a major issue. I just want some fresh air and exercise.

Bikes: Well you could've broken I guess, but you still hurt me tonight and I don't know the next time I will be riding again.

Ahh the first snap shot. It looked so weird and swollen. But it was really just skin..and dirt. bleh! This is me after the nice EMS guys cleaned and bandaged me up.
And this is the end result. After cleaning it out and wanting to like punch a wall at the same time. Didn't hurt near as bad as the peroxide I put on it a few minutes ago.

I'm thankful this is all that happened. And of course I won't be taking it easy. Cross fit all week until FLORIDA...then once I'm home, you bet your bottom dollar I'll be running my butt off! :)

If I could write you a song

I would.
But I can't, and letters are more my thing anyways..

I think you may know me as the girl you met in the Wolfram's Sunday school class at Bell Shoals. The girl who wore toe socks on chapel day and got kicked out of Mrs. Kline's class at BSBA for my singing Christmas socks. Maybe I'm the girl that broke your collarbone when you were my back spot in cheerleading. The one who would take part in debates at lunch over abortion and homosexuality. Maybe I'm the girl who taught you the Watermelon Crawl at the bull or how to do dead bugs at the gym. The girl who taught you to be bold and love yourself and learn how to cook and how to french braid. I can even be that girl who made you cry over something I said too boldly; or something I didn't even say. The girl who forgot your birthday, again. The one who cancelled plans. The one who works more than breathes. The girl who does everything alone, including late night runs in Tampa (sorry dad!) and would usually prefer it that way. The girl who made you laugh just by my stupid laugh. And the girl who pissed you off because I just wouldn't give in, or give up a fight. Maybe you met me as the girl who breathes spontaneity. The one who can't not do anything. The girl obsessed with toe shoes and rock climbing and slack lining and line dancing and everything else that isn't norm. I'm the girl who left in the middle of a sentence and didn't look back (..metaphorically hah). The girl who was scared to death to live and get caught. The girl who was clearly stuck between two worlds, the one where I want to love you and the one where I don't know how to.

I don't know which one of those girls you've met. But they're all me. And chances are, you've met that girl at some point in time; even if you only know me a little bit. Chances also are that I wish you had been able to meet a different girl, the one I wish I could be ALL the time. But who am I kidding, no one is perfect. Maybe, but probably not, lots of you will read this. This is really only for one of you, though. It's the you that's in my head all the time. You told me God put me here for a reason and that resonates in my head like clocks chiming every hour. Somedays I think you're the reason. And because of you I feel like my life has been in slow motion. But when I finally get to see you it's like time couldn't ever slow down enough. I think I burned about the millionth bridge in my life and I burnt that bridge with you. Normally I can do a pretty good patch job and function post-bridge-burning. But this time I feel different. Like I messed a good thing up really bad. And for myself, not just you. I had everything I ever wanted in my lap and it wasn't good enough. But it wasn't you that wasn't good enough. It was me. The scared, vulnerable me that maybe only a few other people have met. No, you aren't perfect, but perfect isn't what I want. You told me I needed to figure out what I want. I have. My life is never going to slow down and I am never going to achieve the cookie cutter that I created for myself. Never. So instead of trying to find a perfect fit to my stupid cookie cutter demeanor, what I want is to just let myself be happy. And I had never been happier in my life. I had never felt safer. And that scared me to death, but now that it's gone, I'm even more afraid i'll never find it again.

song and dance. song and dance.

I would, for some God forsaken reason, rather you remember me as the girl who walked to the rhythm of her own beat and right out of your life, than the girl who could just be and stay for awhile.

I wrote that sentence a week or so ago on my last post. Then I heard this song, Guinevere, by the Eli Young Band. And I hate cliches and sounding corny, but the lyrics were perfect. I tried explaining and understanding, in my last post, why the heck I am the way I am or do some of the stupid things I do, or say things that are so cold and not know where it comes from. Lyrics have a way of putting some things in perspective.

"She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale
and then you're gone
'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late."

I know I can't go back and take away the things I said. I can't go back and take away the things that were said to me, or weren't said to me, to make me run; to make me wanna be cold to people I never really want out of my life. It's my defense when you get too close, but I really want you to stay. I just don't want you to leave. I want you to fight like hell for me even though I don't deserve it. I keep pushing. Cause one ruined it, it's ruined for all, right? But I think I finally realized how my running is catching up with the ones I love. And I don't think I'm gonna get any of them back. Sorry isn't a word I say much because I don't think it mends much, it's just a word. The hurt normally sticks around and the guilt of hurting someone again lingers. But if I knew I could just say sorry and try everything all over again. I'd do it in a heartbeat. As much as I'd love to go back and avoid the pitfalls that made me this way; I can't. And I can't take back the words I said that ruined good things.

I'd love to have a storybook ending, but there's only one who knows the ending to the tale of my life.

You're gonna wish you had a storm warning.

I think that's a reality I faced head on a long time ago; I just didn't know it. [I'm not meant to fall in line]. Somewhere along the lines of princesses and polly pockets and cooking and college, I learned how to cope with everything in my own "Sasha Rihana Arms" way.
In high school, even as a cheerleader, I protested "matching outfit" days. I hated it. I hated looking like 11 other girls with the same stupid pink shirt and the same stupid bow. With the same little smiling cheer face. I wanted to be quirky Sasha in my toe socks and crazy patterns and clothes which most kids outgrew in the 5th grade. I liked being different in my own way. Now, I'd never go as extreme as dying my hair black and piercing my whole stinkin face up, that just wasn't me. The point is, being unqiue (and genuine), was something I strived for mainly on the outside. The only unique difference (a large one at that) that I had internally was my Christianity. That made me incredibly different. And to some, very outspoken (true) and prude.

And these silly little quirks are the only connection I have to the unique box of crap I have been lately. Emotionally detached and different than anyone around me. Never on the same page. Since I'm not hearing an "Amen!", I'm gonna go ahead and assume I'm aboard this train alone. Fabulous. So here's the deal. I'm scared to death of being like everyone or anyone else. Why? Maybe you'll never remember me then? I don't know. I don't really have a reason, it just is. I don't wanna conform in any sliver of a way. I would, for some God forsaken reason, rather you remember me as the girl who walked to the rhythm of her own beat and right out of your life, than the girl who could just be and stay for awhile.

My whole life, it's like I have lived to say goodbye. I couldn't wait to say goodbye to private school. Then I wanted out of public. Then I wanted to leave Tampa, I wanted to move far far away for college. When I couldn't, I found another way to leave home. I moved 1700 miles away. And every moment in between I was saying goodbye. I was pushing you away, I was running away. And for what? ..To be different? When everything starts to fall in place, I lose it. When everything falls apart, you think I've got it.

I Ain't Met Your Texas Yet.

Every time I reach the surface a new wave swallows me.

I get so frustrated in my own mess of me.

I wish I wasn't so damn stubborn.

I wish I would cave sometimes; just give in already.

Running gets me everywhere.

All but where I wanna be.

Every second I swear it's something new.

If I could just not feel it all anymore,

Maybe then I'd make sure it didn't hurt you every time.

Selfish girls cry selfish tears,

but I don't cry.

How many more nights like this one?

When does it sink in, when does this all grow old?

Running gets me everywhere,

Don't forget, cause it'll lead me to you.

[RE]fresh

You know you are pretty _________ (insert lame adjetive here), when you find yourself calling your dad to talk about things he would normally be #8923749823 to hear about (sorry dad). Especially lame when he too is surprised. Hmmm. Red flag, "Sasha needs a life".

But I'm gonna bite my tongue before I call this second deal a red flag. Cause in all honesty, it's more like a white flag, surrender. And that's where it gets tricky. See in battle, (these are my views folks, don't judge) when the white flag is pulled, doesn't that seem like a sign of cowardliness, retreat, failure, just simply giving in? Wouldn't it be super lame and cowardly aka major weaksauce if in Pirates of the Caribbean, the pirates aboard the Black Pearl just surrendered and said "Aye, Matey just take er ship!" ...Uh yes! That would have meant that movie stunk and made like zero dollars in comparison to the bajillion it really did!

But when it comes to surrender in one aspect of life. It is anything but cowardly. It is actually one of the greatest things we can humanly do: surrender to Christ. This is an aspect of the Christian life that sometimes just gets verbally "expected", but it doesn't ever really happen. For me, it's not something I can do easily. If it were easy I wouldn't be writing about it. I struggle sometimes with being dedicated to my devotions daily, and surrendering is a lot more than a few chapters a day and a quiet time. Surrendering isn't necessarily something either. It's the someone you become. Sometimes we are the quiet kid who answers the call to lead worship or the broke college students answering the call to missions, the family who is accepting the gift of adoption, the entrepreneur that drives a junker so he can give in excess to those who really need it. Surrender is in all forms and all people. I don't think it's something you can just DO, it's not a switch you just flip one mornin. It's something that comes with your walk with the Lord, it's like your mutual agreement that we (as silly humans) are totally accepting the fact that we cannot do squat on our own and we are letting God do everything in His power to make us rely on Him more and more everyday. Just sign up for a mission trip, you'll see; He'll make you trust real well when that financial deadline comes close...but He's laughin at you, cause 'COURSE He's got it covered, and then SOME!

So when we surrender to Christ, it should feel like our feet can float and God's got our load- not lame like if they had surrendered the Black Pearl to Captain Sparrow. The decisions we make in moments of surrender can be really difficult though. And as humans, we may think they suck and they hurt or they don't make any sense. I'm pretty sure this is how most times of surrender may feel, but at the same time they are so freeing. And, (not to sound cliche), God has the bigger picture in His hands. He knows what's best for each of us and when we surrender we let Him help us make those "bigger picture" decisions..not just the ones our human eyes can see. We'd never get past the edge of the photo if we made all the moves on our own. If you don't understand what He's asking of you, then just pray and wait, He'll certainly open a door. And if He already has your attention, but the surrender part was pretty rough..check out these verses and be encouraged. Don't let the world tell you the choices you make in surrender are negative ones. HE'S got yo back! :) God is faithful: He turns our fears into faith and our compromise into commitment- His promises!

Philippians 4:6-8 "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable if anything is excellent or praiseworthy think about such things."

1 Peter 5:6-7"Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

Psalm 147:3
He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 30:11.
"You turned my wailing into dancing; you removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy."

"Be still, and know that I am God;"
Psalm 46:10a

"Don't let fear stop you from doing what you know you have to. Fear is only False Evidence that Appears Real, meaning all these thoughts going through your mind are coming from the enemy. Don't give those thoughts time to do their work, be encouraged, God is all the strength you'll ever need."

Square Peg; Round Hole

"If I could see you, if I could hear you

Then I'd know I need you just as before
'Cause I've barricaded these tendencies
My selfish pride, these things inside
They always get the best of me
Show me love, teach me truth
And break my heart, and bring me back to You."

The Philippines has finally sunk in.
There are days it brings me to tears when I think about the people, our pastors, everything that made me fall in love with that country-and how much I miss it all. I spent three weeks with some of the most humble and amazing people I have ever met. We ate together, shopped together, got lost, slept on Jeepneys, learned to use the CR, got stared at, smelled weird stuff, sucked diesel fumes 24/7, remembered to only use bottled water all the time, woke up at a God forsaken hour everyday, managed travel in a foreign country and a hundred other new experiences. And as my life coasts back to "normal", I feel like it almost never happened. My heart had never felt the way it did in the Philippines and that alone makes me want to be back right now. Sure it made me feel great to be like a celebrity everywhere I went (actually, I normally felt uncomfortable in my own skin when they got excited to see an "Americana"), but the best feeling was being able to share the love of God with them. To share my heart and see kids go from precious Filipino students to my brothers and sisters in Christ. I could try and try, but I could never replace seeing their smiles after they realized they had a home in Heaven. "See you in heaven, Shasha!" Nothing compares. Nothing compares to the tears on precious high school girls faces who heard the message, completely understood it, and accepted it.

And now what? I've just about let myself forget all that? NO! Every part of me wants to just get that feeling back that I had in the Philippines. I wanna be able to pour my heart out into the lives of girls HERE. I don't wanna be typical and just go back to life as I know it. That would, to me, erase any glory I could have brought to God on my mission trip. It would be a waste to GO and DO and then come home and NOT DO.
I thought I would do a huge long blog about my time there, mainly for those who supported me before and during the trip..but I don't even know how to put something like that into words. I'm gonna try my best to just tell you a little bit through pictures of the experience.

This is where it all started. Baguio City, Day 1. I clearly recall pastor Phil getting a little nervous taking this picture for me. That ledge is quiteee a drop. But the view? AMAZING!
This is the first picture I ever took with the Filipinos. They were so shy and giggly..absolutely precious girls.

This is my buddy Carlos. One of many faces I fell in love with while at the orphanage. What I wouldn't do to spend an entire year with them.

This is one of the Army guys I met. He was Islamic. Just as shy and giggly as the kids I had just preached to. He heard why I was there, pray God planted a seed.

THIS boy! Ah the little boy in the middle is Justin. I met him at a school on my very last day of preaching. I have no idea why he stuck out to me so much, but I couldn't take my eyes off of him. He was such a blessing to me that day.

This is my man EDDIE! I never got to go out preaching with him my first week in Butuan, but the following week in Tandag...I was with him like everyday almost! Made me laugh and made me realize how blessed I was..especially to get to know him and his story!

I cannot remember how to say this boy's name! It ended with -isco though lol. He was in the front of a class I preached in and every time I looked at him, he smiled this HUGE smile. I just ate it up! I'm telling you, these smiles just melt my heart.

Rain day! This was a rough school for me. It was combined Elementary and HS. I started preaching to the Elementary, then more kids showed up. So I caught them up. Then it started to MONSOON. Then high schoolers came. Then I finally got a microphone. THREE times I preached in like 15 mins. It was intense. Anyways, these kids were walking with me while I waited for Pastor Balabagno to get the Jeepney! So sweet!

Dude. I miss this chicken. Daaagggum! LECHON MANOK. gimme dat!

This high school was awesome! I got dropped off without any translators (it was cool cause I had to do that in Baguio too!) And I sat with the principal for a while and talked with some teachers..they were amazing to me. And these kids were SO fun. I was a bit claustrophobic in that room, but oh so worth it.

This is what happened every time we left. presh.

KURTNELL! That little boy in the middle was a stinkin heartbreaker. He kept coming up to me and then would get real shy..Ahh I loved these students!

I need to post these girl's videos! They sang to me!! The one on the right ROCKED Miley's "The Climb". Amazing.

Favorite picture.

C-Beater

It's about midnight on the Saturday before Father's Day and I am thinking about my Daddy like crazy. It has been over a month since I had breakfast with him at First Watch, gone to Bern's or Datz, and even seen him. Distance can be a terrible thing. Distance, cancer, and loneliness make root canals feel like cake walks. I may seem like an awful daughter for leaving my daddy in a time like that, but we both needed to get strong on our own. And he did. He finished treatment and fought the cancer stronger than I could ever imagined. As much as I wish right now I could be hugging him and telling him how much I love him, yet knowing it's my own choice I'm this stinkin far.. I know this past month has proven to me how much a parent's love goes. Texas couldn't change it. I could book it to Timbuktu and that man would be there for me at the drop of a hat. Nothing could change anything- not distance, not family drama, not physical pain, love beats it all. My dad is living proof of that, he's not perfect but he knows how to love me better than anyone.

And to think, this is no comparison to the love and grace and everything else I get from my Savior. It seriously blows my mind. He loves ME. He died for ME? gah. And He called puny me to deliver His perfect Word?? He promises to equip me too. Amazing love; that's alll I need.

Florida girl.

Now, having been in Texas a few weeks, I think I am beginning to find a couple flaws in the place..or rather just some things missing. Keeping a list for when I come home ;)

1. CUBAN FOOD. Ay dios mios! I never realized how hooked on Cuban sandwiches and black bean soup I was until I had it no more. Serious withdrawal mode. And for all you non Tampians or Floridians..do yourself a favor and try some cuban food. Amazing.

2. LINE DANCING. I move to the most western, country state EVER and they DON'T stinkin line dance. hahaaa. Your two step is cute, but really what's up with not line dancing?! Memorize a couple steps...whoop dee dooo, not too hard.

3. ROADS. I'll keep this as simple as possible. YOUR ROADS ARE A HOT MESS!!! Highways in circles and access roads and merge lanes and a million turnarounds.. no, no, no.

Now, those are the big three (reaaal important right? haha).
I will say this for Texas, they have the southern hospitality Florida will never live up to. Frankly, Florida=dirty south.

OH! And they ALL drive fast here. No stinkin SNOW BIRDS ;)

Realityyyyyy CHECK.

HOLYCRAPIGOTOTHEPHILIPPINESIN<2WEEKS!

Gonna go ahead and apologize if this seems like the biggest waste of your time ever. Skip to the last paragraph :)

Last month I don't think I could have foretold anywhere NEAR some of the things that have taken place in my life up to this moment. I never would have thought I would be spending my days in downtown San Antonio with the sweetest little girl, or going to bed at 9:30 dead tired because I played in the pool all day with two awesome boys. And that every moment with them gets me one step closer to the biggest thing I will ever do in my life...so far :)
Right now, my life sometimes seems like it's being fulfilled through making PB&J and pool days.. On the inside though, there is something crazy going on with my heart. Something I don't know if I want to feel again or not. The feeling that I can only relate to missions and the spiritual warfare that comes with it. I've done pretty well at not letting the devil "eat my stinkin lunch", but this is a whole new level of bullying. I have never been so nervous and anxious in my life! I know it's partly good, partly human, but a big part is that I am letting him get in there and be pure darkness in a time when I should be lit up for the Lord. Part of me wants so badly to keep going strong like I have been trying, but the little sliver that makes me feel like I am no where near good enough to be used on this trip..and it gets the best of me.
Not feeling good enough, is to me, one of the worst feelings ever. And that little sliver about one thing ends up seeping in to every stinkin part of me. Like right now, I am the most selfish little brat for even writing the rest of this blog...but AHH it's seriously true. I'm not good enough for the trip, for ever cheering again, for being an interest for this dude, for making people smile enough, blah blah blah. Way to go Sash. Yeah, I feel like that. CRAP. And it's not enough to just think about how amazing it's going to be seeing the smiles on the faces of children who just accepted Christ after hearing the gospel message from me. Why? Cause I'll mess it up or something. jkdsfhakjdshgowe. What is wrong with me!!

Basicallyyy.. I could use some prayers to get me through the next few weeks focused on the kingdom of God, 24/7...not worrying about impressing a dude, not worrying about working out, just focused on this one, amazing thing I have the awesome opportunity to be apart of. I have so many anxieties and worries and I simply need some prayers. The occasional text is great too :) ALSO, pray for the whole team going and prepping for the trip!

Lightning

Taking a stab at short storyy.

No, I don't love him. I couldn't possibly love or be in love with someone I couldn't bear to see with someone else. Cause the thing with love, ya know what your folks always tell you, is that it's selfless. Always about the other person, no matter what. You love em so much you'd give your right arm to make them happy- even watch them get married to someone else because you knew they were truly happy. Now me, I think that's too big a pill to swallow. Maybe cause I've never been in love, or loved in that way. But when I do, I don't think I could love him so much I could watch another woman walk down the aisle to him. Not when it's supposed to be me. But I guess I can deal with those kinds of problems when love is actually on my plate. And why isn't? Ohh, well I think HE'S got bigger plans for me, the man upstairs is what my redneck uncle calls him. I like to think He's holding out on me, but I've secretly got my finges crossed, that all the waiting is worth it. It'd be like "And there ya go little Miss Marx, Prince Charming". Wouldn't that be something?! Well, regardless, I told my momma I was gonna marry that boy. And I ain't one for telling lies, so it's just a matter of time I 'spose. I AM gonna marry him! I guess I made my mind up when I first REALLY saw him. What? No, come on what'dya say? I saw ya mumble and roll your dang eyeballs at me. Oh, I'm silly? Silly for deciding I'm gonna marry him? Well let me finish the story and then you can feel free to comment, outside on the porch that is.

I guess I saw him a lot before he actually knew my name. But the one time I really remember it wasn't anything special. Is that what you're expectin? Cause it's real simple. I'm real simple. We were just at the same little event. Volunteering for old folks who can't do nothin on their own, so we do it for them. It was a nice day, real quiet and nice. When we were all finished eating lunch with them folks, my sister Jana and I went outside and were talking to a few others when I noticed him. Now, I've seen this boy numerous time before, really a lot.. It's embedded in my brain forever. He had on one of those easter egg yellow, polo shirts boys round here always wear, with khaki corduroy slacks and his hair slicked back. He had some sun glasses on too and worn out penny loafers. Mmmm my! Something about that silly little outfit made my inside sing. Well, not really, it was the boy wearing it that made me smile. My heart was beating faster than it ever had before and he didn't even have to say a word to me. Yeah, I knew it.

Jana and I began to walk home and that's when I told her. Oh, I was more confident than a ten year old swingin at a t-ball tournament. I knew it. I was going to marry him. ..I know! Boy, hush! I know he ain't even said a word to me, but you still not letting me finish. Now can I continue?!

But that was where that day and that vivid memory end. The next time I had a memory of him like that, the "in color" kind that you can play, pause, repeat in your head, it was weeks later. I'm usually alright with being bold about talking to a good looking fella if I want to. But it's funny how the one I wouldn't initiate conversations with, was the one I wanted most. I wanted him to come after me. He's gonna marry me, he needs to do a little bit of the work! Anyways, I went weeks without even saying a word to him. I smile here and there in passing, but that was all. He merely knows I exist. The joy and excitement of being a giddy little girl wore off and I went back to being a lady in waiting, waiting quite impatient and hopelessly. I know, right? Me, little miss independent, bull headed me. Hopeless and down on myself. Do you get it now?! Do you get that he's the only one who could do that to me. To be able to melt my icy little heart and give me rosy cheeks? ..Give up? Fool! Who do you think I am a sissy? Just cause I get all mushy feely now don't mean I am quitter! I started pursuing things in my life to make me still be me. Make the old me shine better. But I still thought about that boy and what I would do for him to just call my name out passing by to say hello.

This is where I wish I could just end the story completely. This is where I wish I could erase that easter egg yellow polo from my memory, the sounds, the sights, and even the smells which reminded me of him. You know how I said I couldn't possibly love him because I couldn't bear to see him fall in love with someone? Well turns out I must've been madly in love with him. I had to see him fall in love and marry the one girl who I had poured my heart and soul into. I had to bear it, in front of everyone. The girl just a few years back I was driving to her awanas meeting after getting her involved in the church. The one who I taught how to french braid and sit like a lady and that matching socks was sometimes overrated. She was like my baby sister, and she had me beat. I'm selfish for sayin that, I know. But sometimes all we know how to be is selfish. And I had to be in the wedding to, as if knowing wasn't bad enough, I had to hold her bouquet and pretend I was crying tears of joy. When this story started, I thought it would have a happy ending. But I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore.

...Not done, I had to go to bed. I'll be back :)

%!

BRIDGE TO COLONNADE?! I did 5 weeeeeeee!
It says 2.55mi because I was too lazy to loop it :)


Granted, I don't start at the bridge like the pic shows BUT it's the same path. I actually walked a little today. I was tired from who knows what and a little sore from Monday. As always though I added a sweet 5 min abs in there, which has a downside: I do leg raise on one of the platforms they have along Bayshore for exercises such as leg lifts..but because it's such a hard surface I now have bruises along some of my ..vertebrae? No pain, no gain ;) Also played on the monkey bars for at least 5 mins. Fave. Thing. Ever.
I ate my weight in calories once I got home though -__- I have been soooo hungry..carb hungry too. GR! Oh well, I'll burn some extra tomorrow since it's the longest day of the week and I'm pretty sure the ONLY time I will get a chance to eat is the girl's dinner at Jake's (which is fine by me, cause that man can COOK) So I'll load up there, hopefully not too much though or I'll have to dance it off later! :)AND have you seen the new BOGOs at Publix starting tomorrow?! AYE. I cannot go near that store or I will end up with icecream, sweet tea, and apple sauce to feed an army.
Basically tomorrow is....wake up, go to class 9:40-3:15, head to the apt for a 30 min break, go pick up Zoe by 4:30 in South Tampa, leave Zoe's, pick up Kyla at the apt, head to Jake's, hang out at Jake's, put on my boots for a little needed line dancing (aka funnest stress reliever ever). Sleep. ahhhh.

Goodnight :)

Halfway...empty?

I WROTE A WHOLE BLOG LAST NIGHT AND IT DIDN'T SAVE :(
merrrrrhhhhh!! But on a good note, now I have something completely different to write on. WIN!


So the past 2 weeks I have been in constant prayer about next fall. Not like bow your head close your eyes prayer, but like talking to myself and God in my head, occasionally out loud, all the time. And for about the whole 2 weeks, I had no answer. I would rather have NO than no answer. Especially me, I'm impatient!
I had started to look into a few schools already..NCSU, Auburn being the top contenders. AND I had a family in Mississippi and North Carolina ready to interview me! But I was kinda waiting on something (God) to tell me where to go next, what to pursue and when.
I have gotten to the point where the initial "fun phase" of moving away had worn off and I have been torn between what to do. Could I realllyyyy leave everyone and everything I have known my whole life just because I wanted to start over? Both parts of that question are sooo selfish.
So a friend and I got talking last night and I was catching her up on everything and all my new endeavors, and somehow her words really soaked in with me. Yeah, this whole decision ultimately is about me, but all the factors are about everyone else. Could I leave when my dad would just be getting out of cancer treatment? Could I leave when my family is amidst so much turmoil? Do I need a break from my entire life or just a part of it? Am I really that concerned with my education that I need to move 1000 miles away?
These kinds of questions hit home. Hard.

Questions lead to answers. Answer? Florida.

You know, I honestly didn't want to do this on my own. I wanted to stick to my guns and move away and be the independent little firecracker I always have been. I didn't wanna cave on my own terms. I wanted someone else to tell me they needed me to stay. I wanted to be needed here. I was afraid of leaving not because I was afraid of being lonely or away from my family, but because I thought that no one would really miss me. REAL HUMBLE SASH. Ahhh but I did have good motives too though! I had great intentions of being in a new place with no one and having ONLY my savior and the kids I nanny. A lot of frogging (fully relying on God ;) ). Not goood enough! I'm not quite strong enough to overpower my own little voice inside that I try to keep away from the public eye at all times, the one that might actually make it known that I am great at being independent, but most the time, I wish I knew how to be needy, just a little. I want that someday. To be needed and to need.
On that noteeeee..
Jake talked last night about love.
Love. I wanted to get up and leave when I heard that word. Love. I don't want to hear about love. I haven't found it, I don't have it, stop telling me about love. Love and Sasha just don't go. End of story. Anywho, my complaining aside, He made me realize how much love I have to offer, especially being smack in the middle of "family problems", love that I could keep pouring out here. Or I could move away and pretend all over again. I could pour out this really fake love to people who know nothing about me, so it's easy to fake it and pretend mylifeis100%awesomeallthetime. But instead, I think He wants me here. And more than that, He wants me to keep being honest and real and not hiding all this junk anymore. Why? because my life is not 100%awesomeallthetime and I don't have to act like it!
It's not about the tiny details of teaching licenses and nanny families and benefits. None of that matters. I know I feel like I'm screwing it up A LOT, but He's here with me regardless.

Simply, It's 100% about Him being made known through little me. It's me shutting up, and not complaining about love and other nonsense and just "smelling like Jesus".

Until that plane ticket shows up on my door to Asheville or Auburn...He's keeping me here.

Education Endeavors

Let me tell you about yesterday...

I woke up earlier than I have in like 2 months. Before 6. Yikes. Get all teacher-y looking, inhale a blueberry bagel and head down to Blake High School. Gotta love 7AM traffic! Get there, park, sign in. 1.54 hours later, another USF ed student joins me. I'M STILL WAITING! Grr. We chat for a little bit, complain about our professor- because he's in the same section as I am, and we can. His name is Aaron. Finallyyyyy our contact comes and takes us to the classes we get to observe. Can I just say something? DUDE. that school is freaking awesome. I was like in memory lane jealousy..coolest school ever. Guess what I get to observe (...as usual) ? GEOMETRY! As an added bonus it's also FCAT week and they're prepping and reviewing. I'm sorry, but if a ninth or tenth grader doesn't know how to find area of a figure by now....something is quite, quite wrong. Then I went to lunch with the kid in my class, Aaron. A little odd driving around and eating with basically a stranger, but it was nice and we kept up a sweet convo. Mainly about his music frat and other random things. I told him he was not Southern and he disagreed. He's from Virginia, come on, I don't think that counts. Back at school and we head back to our observation rooms..I requested some upper level courses though. Got paired with THE sweetest lady teaching Pre calc and AP Stat. It was memory lane for sure. I felt like I was back in my old math classes, the teacher even knew my math teacher from Durant! The kids in these classes were chill too. Not the typically crazy rude kids in geometry one that either call their teacher MA or MIZ. NO no no no nO! Ohh my goodness, I will write up the first student who EVER calls me that so fast. So disrespectful. (Old school right? ;) )


Sash's Math Ed Observation Highlights:
1. Watching the school police officer and an AP run out the front office (during my 1.54ish hour wait). Only words I catch are, 3 students, male, just jumped the fence, headed in the direction of the river. lololololollolol. I hadn't even started my observation and it was gettin REAL interesting.

2. Throwing staplers? Really dude. Apparently this one tall kid had hit this other smaller kid (mind you, his height had no effect on the length of his shirt or shorts, they were both incredibly too large, but that's beyond the point). Anyways, he hit him in the forehead, jokingly I guess? I mean the whole class was real rowdy, but whatever. So short man gets 2 staplers off the teacher's desk and freaking chucks them at tall guy! Kicked out of class.

3. Finally I get out of these bogus underclassmen classes. Out of the 2 high schools I've been in, there has been zero respect for the teachers in these kinda classes. Always the teacher's fault though...they wanna be BFF with their kids instead of their leader. GR. Yeah so I leave and we're getting ready to go to lunch and some other faculty member flags us down and tells us we have to go into the cafeteria for a flash mob. Could this day get any more interesting?! Ahh it was pretty sweet. Only at an arts school though.

4. Doing the problems in a freshman algebra class faster and more correct than the teacher. AYE! Seriouslyyyyyy? :/

5. I got to sit in on an awesome AP STATS class. The teacher reminded me SOO much of my stats teacher. What did the class happen to be doing the day I sat in? M&M problem! YES. The teacher even gave me a calculator and a bag of m&m's and I was part of the data! :D I was so stoked. I couldn't remember how to solve for chi squared though. Merrrrh. Oh well.

6. Dress code does not exist. I saw way too much on Friday.

7. I was sworn to secrecy...but whatever. MTV is doing an episode of Made at Blake High School. I met the kid too! He's getting made into a singer.


I also met this kid at work later Friday night. DIE HARD gaga fan. Like insane. He has a Born This Way tattoo on his shoulder. He was absolutely adorable though. I really wanted to like talk to him more and honestly pray for him. I don't mean that in a "pray for him cause he loves gaga and so he's crazy", cause he's not. BUT sincerely, like I wanted to. I also met a ton of high schoolers form GA that were on a band trip. These two blonde girls I rang up had the sweetest little accents! I told them so and one of them said, I didn't even know I had one. HA! Tooo cute!


Segway into accents and potentially Ga.. I know like 2 people read this BUT! You know who you are! I have some prayer requests.
1. That God would continue to provide for the Philippines as He has been. I need to raise about 3000 by May 2 and also sublease my apartment BEFORE then. I can't pay for it anymore, like whatsoever. God will provide.
2. That I would be able to focus on prayerfully waiting for an answer about the fall. Right now, I'm not registering for classes. I'm praying about moving my residency (taking a year off and working in like NC or something, then registering for classes the following fall as an in state student). Crazy right? I'm really looking for an answer as to what, where and when.

:)

Black Whales are born white.

I don't get this life. I don't fully understand any aspect of this crazy day to day thing we do. Everyday it goes on, like a song looped on forever, a home video stuck on repeat. And some days I forget that I'm not a part of it. Some days even, I forget that this is not my home, that I serve a King that rules a kingdom that will never crumble or fade like the earth we stand on today. It breaks my heart, but I do. I forget sometimes. I feel like one can only play the "I'm only human" card so many times. Can life ever be THAT difficult to forget about the pain and suffering my Savior had to go through? Did He go through all that simply for me to take a day off and just forget, just check out for the day? All I know is that life can be absolutely terrifying, but it doesn't have to be. And even when we're scared to death, at our weakest point, we have a place to stand up under. We have a shield to call home, a shepherd to call Father. It's not about being brave or understanding. It's about knowing Him and making Him known.

lovevolve

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable."
— C.S. Lewis

GO.

“Here stands God on the day of creation. He looks at stars and He says “all you stars move yourself to this place and start in this order and move in a circle and move exactly as I tell you, until I give you another word. Planets-pick yourself up and whirl, make this formation at my command, until I give you another word. He looks at mountains and says “be lifted up” and they obey him. He tells valleys “be cast down” and they obey him. He looks at the sea and says “you will come this far”, and the sea obeys. Then, he looks at you and says “come” and you go “no! Does that bother anyone?”

"Well, I was out here on the highway, and I was driving and I had a flat tire and I got out to change the tire, and when I was changing the tire, the lug nut fell off, and I wasn't paying attention that I was on the middle of the highway, I stood up and there was a 30-ton logging truck going 120 miles an hour about ten yards in front of me, and it ran me over and that's why I'm late.

Now, there would only be two...I know no one studies logic anymore, but there would only be two logical conclusions. One, I'm a liar or two, I'm a madman. You would say, "Brother Paul, it's absolutely absurd. It is impossible, Brother Paul, to have an encounter with something as large as a logging truck and not be changed."

And then my question would be to you -- What is larger? A logging truck or God? How is it that so many people today profess to have had an encounter with Jesus Christ, and yet, they are not permanently changed?"

-Paul Washer

Philippines Support! (Forward MEEE!)

What to do with this letter:
1. READ it!
2. Prayerfully consider how the Lord wants you to support me
3. Send this to your address book
4. Pray for the Philippines and the teams bringing the gospel to them!



To a sweet brother, sister, or family in Christ,

I’m sending this letter on behalf of my call to missions. For over two years now, the Lord has laid missions on my heart, but the doors have never been open for me to go- prayer and encouragement was my window to the mission field. But now, He has made a way and opened so many doors for me to be able to “go” this summer! I am in the process of preparing for a five-week trip to the Philippines with the Bob Tebow Evangelistic Association. The Lord definitely picked out this trip and led me to this organization; He has orchestrated all of this perfectly. Regardless of the fact that I will not be going on this trip with friends, family, or even pastors whom I know, God has given me the assurance that this is where He wants me, and that surpasses those comforts.
In case you were wondering what in the world I would be doing for five weeks, here’s what the BTEA as to say about this trip!

“This trip is not a vacation. The long days, bumpy roads, strict schedules, and difficult assignments make this trip a strenuous one. Much physical and emotional sacrifice will be demanded of each team member. You will be called on to work from morning to night, but it will be work of purpose and accomplishment. You will have the opportunity to be part of a team of other young people and adults who will be able to present the good news of the free gift of eternal life in Christ Jesus to Filipinos at schools, film showings, markets, and other various locations. You can expect to be challenged and encouraged by the other members of your team. You will see first hand the power of God through the preaching of the gospel (Romans 1:16). God will not only do a work in the hearts of those you minister to, but He will also do a great work in your heart as well.”

I am sharing this with you, in hopes that you would give me your support for this trip. I would ask that you prayerfully consider committing to support me through prayer, both prior to and during the trip and also consider financially supporting me. God is going to provide the $5,300 I need for this trip, which is June 25-July 31! The body of Christ is an amazing thing and I know I will have so much support for my first mission trip. I want to thank you in advance for reading this and supporting me in whatever way you can. If you could, please send this letter to any brothers or sisters in Christ, or tell my story to anyone who will listen, it would be greatly appreciated!!

For financial support, which will be tax deductible,
write your check to the BTEA (with my name on the memo line) and use the addressed envelope enclosed.
OR:
My name is on their website and you can donate online here: http://www.btea.org/shorttermsupport.asp

Also, you can find me on facebook to stay up to date with trip information or go to btea.org to see everything the Bob Tebow Evangelistic Association is doing!

I thank you in advance for your prayers and your financial support. May God bless you richly!
His therefore Yours,
Sasha Arms

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Because He is the great I AM;

I am the salt of the earth. (Matthews 5:13)
I am the light of the world. (Matthews 5:14)
I am a child of God. (John 1:12)
I am part of the true vine, a channel (branch) of Christ's life. (John 15:15)
I am Christ's friend. (John 15:15)
I am chosen and appointed by Christ to bear His fruit. (John 15:16)
I am a joint-heir with Christ, sharing His inheritance with Him. (Romans 8:14-15)
I am a temple of God. His Spirit dwells in me. (1 Corinthians 3:16)
I am joined to the Lord and am one spirit with Him. (1 Corinthians 6:17)
I am a member (part) of Christ's body. (1 Corinthians 12:27)
I am a new creation. (2 Corinthians 5:17)
I am reconciled to God and am a minister of reconciliation. (2 Corinthians 5:18,19)
I am a saint. (Ephesians 1:1)
I am blessed with every spiritual blessing in heavenly places. (Ephesians 1:3)

Pessimism is okay, halfway is not.

My heart is so, so heavy as I think about what to write. I have never ever been in the shoes I'm in now. But I know it's where I want to be and plan to be-more importantly where I am CALLED, so I better get used to these soles. The call to missions is a simple thing. As believers in Christ, we are all called in some way whether it's serving homeless downtown or serving children in Africa. We're all called. Plain and simple. This is where my heart begins to get heavy.
Have I placed too much emphasis on these peoples who have not yet heard the name Jesus and forgotten my calling to my own family and friends? And who am I, small little me, to even be considered to be the carrier of this amazing news to such beautiful people? Am I selfish for thinking I'm not good enough and letting this guilt get in the way? Is this the devil worrying me sick or am I just being human?

Romans 10:15
How will they preach unless they are sent? Just as it is written, "HOW BEAUTIFUL ARE THE FEET OF THOSE WHO BRING GOOD NEWS OF GOOD THINGS!"
Isaiah 52:7 How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

Right now I feel like I have really ugly feet. And I KNOW that is such a selfish and bitter thing to say. He specifically chose to work on my heart for this trip, for these people. I want that newlywed happiness and excitement about this calling and I'm letting the devil, as my high school Bible fellowship would say- "eat my stinkin lunch". This is the first of many spiritual-happiness-sucking moments I am going to have until I am on board that plane to the Philippines. Then, it's a whole new playing field of struggles. But right now, I need two things. Prayer and encouragement. I also need more confidence, patience, trust...but I'll focus on the big picture.

I am not going to carry the Gospel to the Filipinos alone, and I can't get there alone either.
If you know me at all, you know I absolute cringe at the idea of being needy and dependent. But this has nothing to do with Sasha..and I seriously need a lot right now. I know The Lord will provide the right people to support me every step of the way, but right now I feel weak- transparent and weak. With this being my first mission trip, I feel so vulnerable and I don't really know how to explain the why or how behind it. I'm very scared like I stated before, of living up to these expectations I have created for myself, expectations that only exist in my perfectionist mind. God doesn't hold these expectations for me or anyone else and I have got to learn to let them go. But I need reminders.
Reminders like this one have helped me get past the slump I was in this past week. The body of Christ is the most beautiful thing!
"We were born into this battle Sasha when we became "Born again" believers. We wake up to this battle everyday. The more of a threat you are to the enemy of God the more you will experience the devil's heat and God's Glory in your life. Allow God to equip you for battle....and always know that the Victory is HIS!"

If anything, take away encouragement from my struggles..kind of crazy, but be encouraged and know that God is orchestrating this slump, just like He is orchestrating the joy and excitement I will experience in 3 months welcoming Filipino's to the Kingdom of God. But also keep me in your prayers, as well as the entire team for the Philippines, as we all try to avoid succumbing to the devil's taunting once and for all as we prepare our heart's for life's greatest call.

110 Days

:D

Prodigal

I’ve tasted Your glory and I left it there.
Your poured out Your Spirit and I didn’t care.
Still you loved me
I’ve lived for myself with nobody to blame.
I took what You gave me and squandered Your grace.
Still You loved me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
I could live for the broken and share in their pain.
I could die like a martyr or live like a saint just to love You.
I could sing like the angels and gather Your praise:
Be blessed beyond measure and give it away just to love You.
Still nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
My heart has been broken; I’ve laid out my shame.
Because of Your mercy,
All I can say is I love You.
So I’ll tell of Your story
I’ll carry Your name
I’ll live for Your glory Lord,
I’ll share in Your pain just to love You.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing compares to what You’ve done for me.
Nothing can separate us
Nothing can separate us
Not death or life
Or depth or height
Or unseen power
Now or ever!

These aren't in 1920s Hymnals.

"Christians don't tell lies they just go to church and sing them" - AW Tozer

"The only exercise some people get is jumping at conclusions, running down their friends, sidestepping responsibility, and pushing their luck." -A Glasow

Dear infertile couples wasting thousands of dollars on in-vitro fertilization with little chance of success,What about me?Sincerely, orphan

It's give and it's take

Excerpt from THE GREEN DOOR- O. Henry

Suppose you should be walking down Broadway after dinner, with ten minutes allotted to the consummation of your cigar while you are choosing between a diverting tragedy and something serious in the way of vaudeville. Suddenly a hand is laid upon your arm. You turn to look into the thrilling eyes of a beautiful woman, wonderful in diamonds and Russian sables. She thrusts hurriedly into your hand an extremely hot buttered roll, flashes out a tiny pair of scissors, snips off the second button of your overcoat, meaningly ejaculates the one word, "parallelogram!" and swiftly flies down a cross street, looking back fearfully over her shoulder.

That would be pure adventure. Would you accept it? Not you. You would flush with embarrassment; you would sheepishly drop the roll and continue down Broadway, fumbling feebly for the missing button. This you would do unless you are one of the blessed few in whom the pure spirit of adventure is not dead.

Whole story--->http://www.shortstoryarchive.com/h/green_door.html


Why is your adventure dead, why don't you see it?
What I would give to read your mind.
It's like you can't decipher a single thing.
And I don't understand why you're doing it.
Put her down once and for all, for your sake.
They told me I don't have patience,
so what am I doing waiting on you?
I'm there and you're here.
It's give and it's take.
Catch this glimmer before it's gone.

Inspired by bacteria

I'm not sure what I am going to write about right now (Am I ever? I just kind of babble). Even more so now; I'm in Biology, like I should be every Tues/Thurs at 2:00, but I never ever want to. AH! I've been a complainer for the past couple of weeks so I really want to...not.
I've fallen back into this unmotivated, unconquering girl with big unrealistic dreams- unrealistic only because I have done nothing to make them happen & I believe that they won't.

Someone pointed out something to me the other day. She asked me if I could even be happy if I were to actually be in a relationship- the thing that I swore I wanted along with every other chick my age, right? Part of that dream. It seemed so hard or bash hearing someone put it that way. I was honestly dumbfounded. I wanted to come to my defense, but she was right. I didn't want that to be my answer, but I couldn't avoid it. Is there something wrong with me?! Is this the Lor'ds way of telling me I'm GOING to be single..?(which is alright cause I can still fulfill the adoption dream, but that's a different story). But really, this single question shook me, it was like EARTH TO SHA-SHA!!

I sat there and thought about how she was right.

Here's what I got:

I am completely okay with doing everything alone, or on my own. And the thought of having someone do things FOR me, "just because" is absolutely foreign to me. (No, I don't mean no one has ever done nice things for me..you get the idea!) Foreign and it scares me. One, because I like being a giver (my mother would tell you otherwise though). And when people give, do, or say good things for me, to me, or about me - I don't know what TO do. And it's not a bad thing, but it's certainly not a good thing. I don't try to do it all on my own, it just happens. Second reason why it scares me is because other than God and family, I can't comprehend someone being transparent enough with me to in turn give ME the power to control a portion of their happiness. That scares me.

I don't want to take something or be a part of something that I can never set back on the shelf the exact way it was before I found it. I don't want that power or control. I want control in my own life, not anyone else's. And that's the ironic part, I will never be able to control even a fraction of my own life.

Am I supposed to be able to embrace dually being a giver and a receiver? Is this just a phase? Am I wrong for being okay with this independence and sometimes even proud of it?

This is one of my posts where I really would love input. It's not really a black and white topic, so write me on this one!

"Bacteria and archaea make up the prokaryotes.." Oh yeah, I'm in Biology.