song and dance. song and dance.

I would, for some God forsaken reason, rather you remember me as the girl who walked to the rhythm of her own beat and right out of your life, than the girl who could just be and stay for awhile.

I wrote that sentence a week or so ago on my last post. Then I heard this song, Guinevere, by the Eli Young Band. And I hate cliches and sounding corny, but the lyrics were perfect. I tried explaining and understanding, in my last post, why the heck I am the way I am or do some of the stupid things I do, or say things that are so cold and not know where it comes from. Lyrics have a way of putting some things in perspective.

"She carries memories around like souvenirs down in her pockets
She should have let some go by now but can't seem to drop it
Says forgiveness ain't nothing but a lifeless tire on the shoulder of her soul
That never rolls
For as much as she stumbled she's runnin'
For as much as she runs she's still here
Always hoping to find something quicker than heaven
To make the damage of her days disappear
Yeah she writes you in as just one more tale
and then you're gone
'Cause she once fell hard 'cause she dropped her guard
And no one gets to stay it's just too late."

I know I can't go back and take away the things I said. I can't go back and take away the things that were said to me, or weren't said to me, to make me run; to make me wanna be cold to people I never really want out of my life. It's my defense when you get too close, but I really want you to stay. I just don't want you to leave. I want you to fight like hell for me even though I don't deserve it. I keep pushing. Cause one ruined it, it's ruined for all, right? But I think I finally realized how my running is catching up with the ones I love. And I don't think I'm gonna get any of them back. Sorry isn't a word I say much because I don't think it mends much, it's just a word. The hurt normally sticks around and the guilt of hurting someone again lingers. But if I knew I could just say sorry and try everything all over again. I'd do it in a heartbeat. As much as I'd love to go back and avoid the pitfalls that made me this way; I can't. And I can't take back the words I said that ruined good things.

I'd love to have a storybook ending, but there's only one who knows the ending to the tale of my life.