Never Again.

If I read it just one more time.
Maybe I can rewind.





I'm at the end of it now.

U SMILE

First person to figure out where the title came from is my hero ;)

Anywaaays.

Just got huge burst of "whew, I just had a HUMONGOUS weight lifted off my chest" energy.

OFFICIALLY A MATHEMATICS ED MAJOR.
yayyyyyy :)

Minoring in business, religion, or phys ed.

Thanks to everyone who prayed about me making up my mind and all my stress the past week or so.
About 2 weeks left in my engineering courses, still on the verge of the right GPA, but it's looking good.

Next couple weeks though I'll just be studying and taking exams or working. Gonna see about observing classes at LCS, Durant and BSBA :) Starting May 10 You probably won't hear or see me for 3 1/2 months. I'll be working as an OTL at USF like 4-5 days a week. Days off and weekends I'll be working at Wet Seal (unless something changes), and on my vacation time I'm going to be a counselor at children's camp :) Most slam packed summer I will ever experience! So if I ever ask you to hang out...don't say no..it's a big deal. hahha

Archived

I found some old blog posts as I was skimming through my old myspace..
two years ago..some things just don't change.


Swim all the way to the bottom
Current mood:Lost
Have you ever felt like you were seriously the meanest person ever? That you couldn't ever say one word right and every thought in your head was so negative, but you just couldn't stop? Even though you care about someone, they just pushed you too far? You can't tell them what you're thinking and you can't stop thinking it? They're making you crazy? They mean a lot to you, but not more than your own sanity? And then those times when you love someone so much, you know the right thing to do is just be happy for them, but not in ounce in your body can be? Have you ever felt like you think you're everything you swore you'd never become? And then you get these feelings for people you never wish you had or never thought you would ever have, and it's not something you can just stop? Maybe not even that, maybe you can't get someone erased from your life. And that phrase, that stupid phrase that says "If you're thinking of them, they're supposed to be there", no! I sincerely know you're not supposed to be there. Have you ever felt like there will never be anyone to pull you out of the water even when there's a crowd of people? Like there's never gonna be that one person to stick up for you even when you make the biggest fool of yourself. And your patience is running ever so thin, you pray to God for them every day. Have you ever felt like your so deep in your own crap that you're never gonna make it out alive? Like every day is "Sucks to be you day" and no one really understands?
I have.


When the shadows seem to become heavy and thick with smoke
You'll give me fresh air to breath

When the pressure of the world begins to be too much for my weak soul
You step in and take my load

When my hands over my ears alone is not enough to drive out the persecution
You show me the scars on your hands and reassure me it's going to be okay

When it seems like all is lost and I never want to see another waking day
You take me by the hand and say, "When have I not been faithful?"

Those times when I get so angry I doubt you
You remind me that You test me because You trust me

The times when I am so disappointed
You show me Your beautiful shining face

When I worry about the future
You remind me it is nothing compared to the day I get to see Your glory

When I cry,
You count every tear

When there's no one looking
I will still praise Your name

This is the window to my heart.

Easy to say since the last time I posted, the most important part of me life was pushed to the back of the proverbial "shelf". I could pretend to be transparent and say things like I was stressed with school, and dropping a class, and potentially losing scholarships, and getting projects in on time and signing a lease and finding a job and any other "justification" I could humanly come up with; but honestly it's not good enough. It's funny how the Lord still works in your life when He probably feels like you've almost completely forgotten about him. That's the amazing thing about my Savior.
"I do the sinning. He does the saving." I never have to ask Him to stay with me..He just does. Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Ephesians 3:19
I feel like I keep having to apologize for the way I am. For being human and making incredible errors, or at least feeling that way.
I know it makes no difference to the Lord, that I'm completely covered by His blood. But wouldn't it be lovely to KNOW you're life is just a love song to the Lord?

On a more personal update..
I'm not going to be pursuing engineering after this semester. It's crazy that the people who love me the most, are disappointed by that and when I tell them the other thing I feel led to..the first rebuttal is money, salary. The people who LOVE me the most think I'm pursuing a degree for money, for me, for selfish reasons, and for them. But I'm not. Not anymore at least. Pursuing my calling, not my potential. Luke 6:38. I discovered pretty quickly, that no matter how much money you know you'll make in 4 years with a degree in Computer Science, the unhappiness and absolute lack of motivation is not worth it; and a definite sign that my decision was MY decision...not the Lord's calling.

So..Now what?
I don't know.
The one thing I never wanted to do because it felt like I wasn't really achieving anything, like I was taking the easy way out, is now what I will probably end up pursuing. Lord willing. I love children. I love math. and frankly, I like telling people what to do. So whether I'm a math teacher, or an elementary teacher, or a scoffed-by-all-engineers business major, it'll be what the Lord has called me to do. So WHAT if I won't ever be able to provide for myself like I've always been used to. So WHAT if I don't make a ton of money like I could at NASA or something. I can't take any of it with me, so for all that counts, I'm not gonna mess it up. Again.

Other than that...
I'm working at Wet Seal 3-4 days a week
I'm done with school April 30, then I have a week of exams.
I move into my summer apartment for Orientation on May 10. Orientation madness starts almost immediately after.
Starting sometime next month..I'll only be available Wednesdays and Sat/Sun. And on those days I'll prolly be working at Wet Seal. Hello Summer?

This blog isn't going anywhere else.
So goodbye.