Borrowed Nuggets

For the past ten or fifteen days, there have been songs and phrases that I have encountered over and over again - some by choice and some just by being in the right place at the right time.
I have over saturated my brain by replaying the music and reading the words over again, saying the words over again, and then a third time writing the words down.

Part of me is dying to share them with you, but also to keep them to myself. For if you know what these phrases and words are, then you can create assumptions on what they mean, who they refer to and how they have effected me.
But that is seriously silly.
"Be daring, be fearless, and don't be afraid that somebody is going to criticize you or laugh at you. If your ego is not involved, no one can hurt you."

If I have taken anything from the flow of inspiration and thoughts this past week, it's not that I am going to live like there's no tomorrow, but love like I'm on borrowed time.
Okay.
But..What does that even mean.. how do we love like we're on borrowed time?
I'll be honest, I have no idea. But everyday is my chance to discover what that means. The five minutes you have an encounter with that sales clerk are NOT your five minutes, someone gave you that time. Are you going to roll your eyes at her and wonder why she's taking so long - or will you go the extra mile to make a conversation, smile at her and maybe be the only shred of light she sees that whole hour, or day or maybe in her entire week.

I used to (and still do) take little moments like this for granted. But something clicked. And recently I was able to be more aware and present of the people and the love in my own life. I realized how many people had given ME some of their borrowed time. They loved on me. Not out of duty, not out of repayment, but simply out of love and the fact that they care about me.
You make think that's simple, but man it is a humbling epiphany for me. It's the most warming feeling to realize, yeah maybe only two minutes of their time.. But they chose to bring happiness, knowledge, wisdom, laughter, feedback and themselves to me. That's something I can save for a rainy day.

Now go back up to that paragraph. Read it again. "I realized how many people had given ME some of their borrowed time." Does this not blow your mind? Does this not humble you? If it doesn't, I sincerely suggest you start smiling at ever darn person you see for the next 24 hours. Before you know it, you'll be smiling because it feels good. Your entire demeanor will change.
You'll be so present at the grocery store it freaks you out. Heck, you might even have an encounter with a complete stranger. Are you willing to give them some of your borrowed time?


If you made it this far, I'm gonna share some of the inspiration now..

I want to be in "relentless pursuit of the unreasonable"
I want to encompass "the belief that anything is possible"
I want to be in complete favor of "the rejection of arbitrary rules created by other people"

"Ask for forgiveness, not permission."

"You are responsible for yourself and everything you do or become - you're in charge!"

We need prayer.

I know my last blog was incredibly happy, but right now my heart is heavy.

I have been blessed to be apart of a loving family in South Florida for the past 5 months. They have 3 children - the eldest is their biological, the middle was adopted at age 5, and the youngest was adopted as an infant. Amazing parents. They have taught me tons.

I am writing to you all tonight to bring awareness and ask for prayers. This family was prepared for everything. They read every book on "adopting the older child" the informed themselves, but ultimately didn't think it would be their child. They were wrong. Their middle son, a teen, now has attachment, behavioral, and defiance issues to start with and all the medical stuff behind it. This family has given everything for him to be successful. Done everything in their power to help him. He chooses to break their hearts and hurt them and himself.
Tonight I sit downstairs as sheriffs filter in and out of our house. Tears come to my eyes as I wonder how these parents must feel. They have poured their soul into a son who won't even claim them as parents. My heart hurts.

Please, please keep this family in your prayers. They are out of options. They are exhausted and hurting. We are all praying, pray with us.

My plug for this blog is also this: there are thousands of children that needs homes. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until they have been neglected in that orphanage for so long their heart is so incredibly hardened. I know the adoptive processes are long and draining. But if God has given you the heart for an orphan, don't wait another second. If this boy had been loved and held when he was an infant, who knows who he would be right now. I don't think he'd be sitting in the back of a police car though.

WARNING: Rainbows and Unicorns!

Seriously though, if you are in any kind of sour mood DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. Continue in your sulking, because the next few paragraphs will only bring out the devil in you. Just kidding. But really, I am just on a super happiness high AND this blog is going to vomit rainbows and cheer and marshmallows EVERYWHERE. You have been warned, friend.

WHYAMISOHAPPYEH?

Because I have finally scaled the metaphorical "wall" of GARBAGE that has been plaguing my life for the past two stinkin years. PRAISE DA LORD.
And I honestly wasn't doing anything to get there. I mean I sorta was, but not like planning on this happening RIGHT NOW, it just did. God has seriously been working on my heart for years. I have been really stubborn, cold and prideful, and I knew it, I just didn't act on it whatsoever. So to be in this place right now is almost unreal. I know it's me and I know it IS real, but I can still feel the me from 2 years ago. I remember my thoughts and emotions and feelings and the who and what and why I felt that way... but today I am a 180. Well, more like a 175, I haven't completely perfected and turned around. I have off days like anyone else, but MAN OH MAN. Being here is GOOD.
There's a part of me, a very, little part, that is sneering and laughing at this post entirely. Telling me that I WILL fall back. That I remember the girl I was 2 years ago because I will feel that way again. That the depression will come back. That the pride will never "really" go away. And that this happiness isn't real. For me today, I am choosing to shut that little, stupid voice out. It's simply the devil. He plans to seep in the smallest parts of me and in turn be present in all of me. He plans to eat my stinkin lunch. He plans to steal my joy. I let him steal PURE joy from me many a times in the past 2 years. But no more. The struggle will continue, but I choose joy.

It is my prayer that whoever you are, you can choose joy. I know it wasn't easy to choose joy on the path towards today and I know in the future it won't get any easier. I haven't been here in a long time, but it is overwhelmingly refreshing. And I hope it is not interpreted as boasting about my conquering of my past and living in happiness - that is not the case. But I honestly want everyone I encounter to be contagiously effected by me. Not jealous of me, not turned off by me, but contaminated with JOY! :)


ALSO...
If you haven't figured it out already, I AM COMING HOME! (for 6-8 months at least). And not by force, by choice. Who'da thunk!?

..See you soon 813