These aren't in 1920s Hymnals.

"Christians don't tell lies they just go to church and sing them" - AW Tozer

"The only exercise some people get is jumping at conclusions, running down their friends, sidestepping responsibility, and pushing their luck." -A Glasow

Dear infertile couples wasting thousands of dollars on in-vitro fertilization with little chance of success,What about me?Sincerely, orphan

It's give and it's take

Excerpt from THE GREEN DOOR- O. Henry

Suppose you should be walking down Broadway after dinner, with ten minutes allotted to the consummation of your cigar while you are choosing between a diverting tragedy and something serious in the way of vaudeville. Suddenly a hand is laid upon your arm. You turn to look into the thrilling eyes of a beautiful woman, wonderful in diamonds and Russian sables. She thrusts hurriedly into your hand an extremely hot buttered roll, flashes out a tiny pair of scissors, snips off the second button of your overcoat, meaningly ejaculates the one word, "parallelogram!" and swiftly flies down a cross street, looking back fearfully over her shoulder.

That would be pure adventure. Would you accept it? Not you. You would flush with embarrassment; you would sheepishly drop the roll and continue down Broadway, fumbling feebly for the missing button. This you would do unless you are one of the blessed few in whom the pure spirit of adventure is not dead.

Whole story--->http://www.shortstoryarchive.com/h/green_door.html


Why is your adventure dead, why don't you see it?
What I would give to read your mind.
It's like you can't decipher a single thing.
And I don't understand why you're doing it.
Put her down once and for all, for your sake.
They told me I don't have patience,
so what am I doing waiting on you?
I'm there and you're here.
It's give and it's take.
Catch this glimmer before it's gone.

Inspired by bacteria

I'm not sure what I am going to write about right now (Am I ever? I just kind of babble). Even more so now; I'm in Biology, like I should be every Tues/Thurs at 2:00, but I never ever want to. AH! I've been a complainer for the past couple of weeks so I really want to...not.
I've fallen back into this unmotivated, unconquering girl with big unrealistic dreams- unrealistic only because I have done nothing to make them happen & I believe that they won't.

Someone pointed out something to me the other day. She asked me if I could even be happy if I were to actually be in a relationship- the thing that I swore I wanted along with every other chick my age, right? Part of that dream. It seemed so hard or bash hearing someone put it that way. I was honestly dumbfounded. I wanted to come to my defense, but she was right. I didn't want that to be my answer, but I couldn't avoid it. Is there something wrong with me?! Is this the Lor'ds way of telling me I'm GOING to be single..?(which is alright cause I can still fulfill the adoption dream, but that's a different story). But really, this single question shook me, it was like EARTH TO SHA-SHA!!

I sat there and thought about how she was right.

Here's what I got:

I am completely okay with doing everything alone, or on my own. And the thought of having someone do things FOR me, "just because" is absolutely foreign to me. (No, I don't mean no one has ever done nice things for me..you get the idea!) Foreign and it scares me. One, because I like being a giver (my mother would tell you otherwise though). And when people give, do, or say good things for me, to me, or about me - I don't know what TO do. And it's not a bad thing, but it's certainly not a good thing. I don't try to do it all on my own, it just happens. Second reason why it scares me is because other than God and family, I can't comprehend someone being transparent enough with me to in turn give ME the power to control a portion of their happiness. That scares me.

I don't want to take something or be a part of something that I can never set back on the shelf the exact way it was before I found it. I don't want that power or control. I want control in my own life, not anyone else's. And that's the ironic part, I will never be able to control even a fraction of my own life.

Am I supposed to be able to embrace dually being a giver and a receiver? Is this just a phase? Am I wrong for being okay with this independence and sometimes even proud of it?

This is one of my posts where I really would love input. It's not really a black and white topic, so write me on this one!

"Bacteria and archaea make up the prokaryotes.." Oh yeah, I'm in Biology.

How it is

I typically get the urge to write about "meaningful" things when even my crazy neighbors are long passed out at 3 in the morning. I like to think that's how God likes to work, keep us on our toes- but always good stuff no matter what time it is. Of course, I'm sure keeping us on our toes is not His intention.
Right now, even though I feel like it's a good writing time, not much else feels right. You now, I still get that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars feeling every now and then, but mostly, I'm just here. Is there a more literary correct word than wishy washy? It fits. I wish I had someone tellin me, don't put all your eggs in one basket! But honestly, I'm asking a bajillion question- what is the basket breaks, is it selfish to have too many eggs, what if I drop them, what if he steals one..blah blah blah. it goes on. I make every moment revolve around these things or issues that have just consumed me. It's humiliating. I used to be able to write encouraging spiritual blogs, sometimes pick me ups. And now this is all I've got. Just a pile of word vomit of my worries.
And I think of how God loves me the same, whether I write sucky depressing blogs or not, He loves me. It all comes back to the beauty of grace, infinite grace. incomprehensible grace. abounding grace. It's easy to talk about grace because it's the truth and it's reassuring, but what's hard to talk about is what it covers. Which is everything; every dirty little secret is covered by this grace. It's scary to think that our loving God was so much different in His dispersion of this grace before the new covenant. I can't even imagine living under that law. How intimidating and absolutely terrifying to have to live that way. But even though I have this new covenant that I'm covered by, shouldn't I still want to live not in the fear of the old covenant, but in the same sacramental ways in which they did? Shouldn't I want to be a daily living sacrifice just because I want to, not because I'm afraid I'll get struck by lightning or something if I don't? Oh wait!! and then someone tries to play the grace card right about now. The Christians' "Get Out of Jail Free" card, am I right? "God understands, I'm human, He forgives and loves me anyway- I only cheated on her once." Or maybe, "It's another voice that I gave back to God, it would have had a terrible life anyways, I did Him a favor", "God doesn't make mistakes, and it's natural for me to feel this way. If it's not okay, then God made a mistake, but then wouldn't that make Him not God?"..I could honestly go on, but they get tricky and touchy..
Answering questions like that with grace is true. Yes, He forgives but our grace card came with a price. It should be safety net, not slack line that you daily teeter across- that's not what His amazing grace is for.
Will it ever out spend or stretch out and be useless? Nope. But our hearts and minds need to understand the price paid is far greater than whatever we think we must spend it on.


...TBC!

Let's be honest

The people who enjoy Valentine's Day make sure to show it, and the one's who hate it do too.

I would just like to say, as a PSA: Please, shut up.

Yes, I understand that you have the sweetest boyfriend in the world, but if I really wanted to know about your Valentine's plans I'd ask. AND, pretending that you think it's the worst holiday ever invented and that everyone who celebrates it is stupid, is by far the lamest cop out.

Wear black tomorrow, go to the gym to spite the women who got 5 boxes of chocolates, and buy yourself some daisies on the way home. Cry me a freaking river. Oh! But if you are the one getting overwhelming amounts of flowers from your secret lover, congratulations. If nothing else, by making someone swoon over you, you helped raise Valentine's sales 10% this year- and that's a fact. Go, candy hearts, go!

...sigh. PostSecret knows what I mean :)

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There's something about holding everything inside of you that is both secretly intoxicating and absolutely terrifying.
I can only relate it to the stomach dropping feeling when you think something went terribly wrong, or the selfish pride you feel when you're the only one who knows the answer to something that has been asked to a roomful of people. I think it can be categorized as something that you and only you can understand or interpret.

Why do I crave to spill my guts one second, then want to soak in my secrecy and run away and hide? I would give anything to understand every centimeter of all the emotions in my life right now. I have two hands, yet I feel like I need ten to carry all of this. I know I could tell ten people who could help me carry (metaphor, folks) but I can't. I can hardly make anything of it out on my own.

I'm not scared. I just want answers.
Yet I'm sick of feeling selfish for wanting answers, and wanting them now. I just don't get it.

And even more so, what comes of these dual emotions of secrecy and hiding? Am I going to just combust and word vomit on one lucky soul and learn my lesson then? I would rather feel nothing at all than feel an ounce of the good or bad that I'm currently trying to understand. Apathy was easy, and now it's old. You can only ignore the reality of the status of things for so long. I don't want to have to be apathetic, can't it just go away, or am I the one who has to keep running?
I could write myself awesome verses and meaningful Godly points that go right along with my frustrations, I know I can. But sometimes you just need to let go, just a little bit. He's carrying my burden, but I'm still human. I still hurt and stress.

It's been over a year bifffle, I miss you. He reminds me of you, so incredibly much. I'm jealous. I'm sick. I don't trust you. You've made me second guess everything. I blame myself. I have no passion anymore, and it is absolutely your fault. No, I am not mean, I have the decency to say what I am actually thinking, and mean it. I want to be in the Philippines now, more than I ever had. I don't want it to be my escape though, I want it to remain my calling. No one peed in my cheerios this morning, I'm just trying to be realistic. You make it hard for me to believe in love. I'm afraid I'm a cynic.