C-Beater

It's about midnight on the Saturday before Father's Day and I am thinking about my Daddy like crazy. It has been over a month since I had breakfast with him at First Watch, gone to Bern's or Datz, and even seen him. Distance can be a terrible thing. Distance, cancer, and loneliness make root canals feel like cake walks. I may seem like an awful daughter for leaving my daddy in a time like that, but we both needed to get strong on our own. And he did. He finished treatment and fought the cancer stronger than I could ever imagined. As much as I wish right now I could be hugging him and telling him how much I love him, yet knowing it's my own choice I'm this stinkin far.. I know this past month has proven to me how much a parent's love goes. Texas couldn't change it. I could book it to Timbuktu and that man would be there for me at the drop of a hat. Nothing could change anything- not distance, not family drama, not physical pain, love beats it all. My dad is living proof of that, he's not perfect but he knows how to love me better than anyone.

And to think, this is no comparison to the love and grace and everything else I get from my Savior. It seriously blows my mind. He loves ME. He died for ME? gah. And He called puny me to deliver His perfect Word?? He promises to equip me too. Amazing love; that's alll I need.

Florida girl.

Now, having been in Texas a few weeks, I think I am beginning to find a couple flaws in the place..or rather just some things missing. Keeping a list for when I come home ;)

1. CUBAN FOOD. Ay dios mios! I never realized how hooked on Cuban sandwiches and black bean soup I was until I had it no more. Serious withdrawal mode. And for all you non Tampians or Floridians..do yourself a favor and try some cuban food. Amazing.

2. LINE DANCING. I move to the most western, country state EVER and they DON'T stinkin line dance. hahaaa. Your two step is cute, but really what's up with not line dancing?! Memorize a couple steps...whoop dee dooo, not too hard.

3. ROADS. I'll keep this as simple as possible. YOUR ROADS ARE A HOT MESS!!! Highways in circles and access roads and merge lanes and a million turnarounds.. no, no, no.

Now, those are the big three (reaaal important right? haha).
I will say this for Texas, they have the southern hospitality Florida will never live up to. Frankly, Florida=dirty south.

OH! And they ALL drive fast here. No stinkin SNOW BIRDS ;)

Realityyyyyy CHECK.

HOLYCRAPIGOTOTHEPHILIPPINESIN<2WEEKS!

Gonna go ahead and apologize if this seems like the biggest waste of your time ever. Skip to the last paragraph :)

Last month I don't think I could have foretold anywhere NEAR some of the things that have taken place in my life up to this moment. I never would have thought I would be spending my days in downtown San Antonio with the sweetest little girl, or going to bed at 9:30 dead tired because I played in the pool all day with two awesome boys. And that every moment with them gets me one step closer to the biggest thing I will ever do in my life...so far :)
Right now, my life sometimes seems like it's being fulfilled through making PB&J and pool days.. On the inside though, there is something crazy going on with my heart. Something I don't know if I want to feel again or not. The feeling that I can only relate to missions and the spiritual warfare that comes with it. I've done pretty well at not letting the devil "eat my stinkin lunch", but this is a whole new level of bullying. I have never been so nervous and anxious in my life! I know it's partly good, partly human, but a big part is that I am letting him get in there and be pure darkness in a time when I should be lit up for the Lord. Part of me wants so badly to keep going strong like I have been trying, but the little sliver that makes me feel like I am no where near good enough to be used on this trip..and it gets the best of me.
Not feeling good enough, is to me, one of the worst feelings ever. And that little sliver about one thing ends up seeping in to every stinkin part of me. Like right now, I am the most selfish little brat for even writing the rest of this blog...but AHH it's seriously true. I'm not good enough for the trip, for ever cheering again, for being an interest for this dude, for making people smile enough, blah blah blah. Way to go Sash. Yeah, I feel like that. CRAP. And it's not enough to just think about how amazing it's going to be seeing the smiles on the faces of children who just accepted Christ after hearing the gospel message from me. Why? Cause I'll mess it up or something. jkdsfhakjdshgowe. What is wrong with me!!

Basicallyyy.. I could use some prayers to get me through the next few weeks focused on the kingdom of God, 24/7...not worrying about impressing a dude, not worrying about working out, just focused on this one, amazing thing I have the awesome opportunity to be apart of. I have so many anxieties and worries and I simply need some prayers. The occasional text is great too :) ALSO, pray for the whole team going and prepping for the trip!