Gonna go ahead and apologize if this seems like the biggest waste of your time ever. Skip to the last paragraph :)
Last month I don't think I could have foretold anywhere NEAR some of the things that have taken place in my life up to this moment. I never would have thought I would be spending my days in downtown San Antonio with the sweetest little girl, or going to bed at 9:30 dead tired because I played in the pool all day with two awesome boys. And that every moment with them gets me one step closer to the biggest thing I will ever do in my life...so far :)
Right now, my life sometimes seems like it's being fulfilled through making PB&J and pool days.. On the inside though, there is something crazy going on with my heart. Something I don't know if I want to feel again or not. The feeling that I can only relate to missions and the spiritual warfare that comes with it. I've done pretty well at not letting the devil "eat my stinkin lunch", but this is a whole new level of bullying. I have never been so nervous and anxious in my life! I know it's partly good, partly human, but a big part is that I am letting him get in there and be pure darkness in a time when I should be lit up for the Lord. Part of me wants so badly to keep going strong like I have been trying, but the little sliver that makes me feel like I am no where near good enough to be used on this trip..and it gets the best of me.
Not feeling good enough, is to me, one of the worst feelings ever. And that little sliver about one thing ends up seeping in to every stinkin part of me. Like right now, I am the most selfish little brat for even writing the rest of this blog...but AHH it's seriously true. I'm not good enough for the trip, for ever cheering again, for being an interest for this dude, for making people smile enough, blah blah blah. Way to go Sash. Yeah, I feel like that. CRAP. And it's not enough to just think about how amazing it's going to be seeing the smiles on the faces of children who just accepted Christ after hearing the gospel message from me. Why? Cause I'll mess it up or something. jkdsfhakjdshgowe. What is wrong with me!!
Last month I don't think I could have foretold anywhere NEAR some of the things that have taken place in my life up to this moment. I never would have thought I would be spending my days in downtown San Antonio with the sweetest little girl, or going to bed at 9:30 dead tired because I played in the pool all day with two awesome boys. And that every moment with them gets me one step closer to the biggest thing I will ever do in my life...so far :)
Right now, my life sometimes seems like it's being fulfilled through making PB&J and pool days.. On the inside though, there is something crazy going on with my heart. Something I don't know if I want to feel again or not. The feeling that I can only relate to missions and the spiritual warfare that comes with it. I've done pretty well at not letting the devil "eat my stinkin lunch", but this is a whole new level of bullying. I have never been so nervous and anxious in my life! I know it's partly good, partly human, but a big part is that I am letting him get in there and be pure darkness in a time when I should be lit up for the Lord. Part of me wants so badly to keep going strong like I have been trying, but the little sliver that makes me feel like I am no where near good enough to be used on this trip..and it gets the best of me.
Not feeling good enough, is to me, one of the worst feelings ever. And that little sliver about one thing ends up seeping in to every stinkin part of me. Like right now, I am the most selfish little brat for even writing the rest of this blog...but AHH it's seriously true. I'm not good enough for the trip, for ever cheering again, for being an interest for this dude, for making people smile enough, blah blah blah. Way to go Sash. Yeah, I feel like that. CRAP. And it's not enough to just think about how amazing it's going to be seeing the smiles on the faces of children who just accepted Christ after hearing the gospel message from me. Why? Cause I'll mess it up or something. jkdsfhakjdshgowe. What is wrong with me!!
Basicallyyy.. I could use some prayers to get me through the next few weeks focused on the kingdom of God, 24/7...not worrying about impressing a dude, not worrying about working out, just focused on this one, amazing thing I have the awesome opportunity to be apart of. I have so many anxieties and worries and I simply need some prayers. The occasional text is great too :) ALSO, pray for the whole team going and prepping for the trip!
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