Lightning

Taking a stab at short storyy.

No, I don't love him. I couldn't possibly love or be in love with someone I couldn't bear to see with someone else. Cause the thing with love, ya know what your folks always tell you, is that it's selfless. Always about the other person, no matter what. You love em so much you'd give your right arm to make them happy- even watch them get married to someone else because you knew they were truly happy. Now me, I think that's too big a pill to swallow. Maybe cause I've never been in love, or loved in that way. But when I do, I don't think I could love him so much I could watch another woman walk down the aisle to him. Not when it's supposed to be me. But I guess I can deal with those kinds of problems when love is actually on my plate. And why isn't? Ohh, well I think HE'S got bigger plans for me, the man upstairs is what my redneck uncle calls him. I like to think He's holding out on me, but I've secretly got my finges crossed, that all the waiting is worth it. It'd be like "And there ya go little Miss Marx, Prince Charming". Wouldn't that be something?! Well, regardless, I told my momma I was gonna marry that boy. And I ain't one for telling lies, so it's just a matter of time I 'spose. I AM gonna marry him! I guess I made my mind up when I first REALLY saw him. What? No, come on what'dya say? I saw ya mumble and roll your dang eyeballs at me. Oh, I'm silly? Silly for deciding I'm gonna marry him? Well let me finish the story and then you can feel free to comment, outside on the porch that is.

I guess I saw him a lot before he actually knew my name. But the one time I really remember it wasn't anything special. Is that what you're expectin? Cause it's real simple. I'm real simple. We were just at the same little event. Volunteering for old folks who can't do nothin on their own, so we do it for them. It was a nice day, real quiet and nice. When we were all finished eating lunch with them folks, my sister Jana and I went outside and were talking to a few others when I noticed him. Now, I've seen this boy numerous time before, really a lot.. It's embedded in my brain forever. He had on one of those easter egg yellow, polo shirts boys round here always wear, with khaki corduroy slacks and his hair slicked back. He had some sun glasses on too and worn out penny loafers. Mmmm my! Something about that silly little outfit made my inside sing. Well, not really, it was the boy wearing it that made me smile. My heart was beating faster than it ever had before and he didn't even have to say a word to me. Yeah, I knew it.

Jana and I began to walk home and that's when I told her. Oh, I was more confident than a ten year old swingin at a t-ball tournament. I knew it. I was going to marry him. ..I know! Boy, hush! I know he ain't even said a word to me, but you still not letting me finish. Now can I continue?!

But that was where that day and that vivid memory end. The next time I had a memory of him like that, the "in color" kind that you can play, pause, repeat in your head, it was weeks later. I'm usually alright with being bold about talking to a good looking fella if I want to. But it's funny how the one I wouldn't initiate conversations with, was the one I wanted most. I wanted him to come after me. He's gonna marry me, he needs to do a little bit of the work! Anyways, I went weeks without even saying a word to him. I smile here and there in passing, but that was all. He merely knows I exist. The joy and excitement of being a giddy little girl wore off and I went back to being a lady in waiting, waiting quite impatient and hopelessly. I know, right? Me, little miss independent, bull headed me. Hopeless and down on myself. Do you get it now?! Do you get that he's the only one who could do that to me. To be able to melt my icy little heart and give me rosy cheeks? ..Give up? Fool! Who do you think I am a sissy? Just cause I get all mushy feely now don't mean I am quitter! I started pursuing things in my life to make me still be me. Make the old me shine better. But I still thought about that boy and what I would do for him to just call my name out passing by to say hello.

This is where I wish I could just end the story completely. This is where I wish I could erase that easter egg yellow polo from my memory, the sounds, the sights, and even the smells which reminded me of him. You know how I said I couldn't possibly love him because I couldn't bear to see him fall in love with someone? Well turns out I must've been madly in love with him. I had to see him fall in love and marry the one girl who I had poured my heart and soul into. I had to bear it, in front of everyone. The girl just a few years back I was driving to her awanas meeting after getting her involved in the church. The one who I taught how to french braid and sit like a lady and that matching socks was sometimes overrated. She was like my baby sister, and she had me beat. I'm selfish for sayin that, I know. But sometimes all we know how to be is selfish. And I had to be in the wedding to, as if knowing wasn't bad enough, I had to hold her bouquet and pretend I was crying tears of joy. When this story started, I thought it would have a happy ending. But I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore.

...Not done, I had to go to bed. I'll be back :)

%!

BRIDGE TO COLONNADE?! I did 5 weeeeeeee!
It says 2.55mi because I was too lazy to loop it :)


Granted, I don't start at the bridge like the pic shows BUT it's the same path. I actually walked a little today. I was tired from who knows what and a little sore from Monday. As always though I added a sweet 5 min abs in there, which has a downside: I do leg raise on one of the platforms they have along Bayshore for exercises such as leg lifts..but because it's such a hard surface I now have bruises along some of my ..vertebrae? No pain, no gain ;) Also played on the monkey bars for at least 5 mins. Fave. Thing. Ever.
I ate my weight in calories once I got home though -__- I have been soooo hungry..carb hungry too. GR! Oh well, I'll burn some extra tomorrow since it's the longest day of the week and I'm pretty sure the ONLY time I will get a chance to eat is the girl's dinner at Jake's (which is fine by me, cause that man can COOK) So I'll load up there, hopefully not too much though or I'll have to dance it off later! :)AND have you seen the new BOGOs at Publix starting tomorrow?! AYE. I cannot go near that store or I will end up with icecream, sweet tea, and apple sauce to feed an army.
Basically tomorrow is....wake up, go to class 9:40-3:15, head to the apt for a 30 min break, go pick up Zoe by 4:30 in South Tampa, leave Zoe's, pick up Kyla at the apt, head to Jake's, hang out at Jake's, put on my boots for a little needed line dancing (aka funnest stress reliever ever). Sleep. ahhhh.

Goodnight :)

Halfway...empty?

I WROTE A WHOLE BLOG LAST NIGHT AND IT DIDN'T SAVE :(
merrrrrhhhhh!! But on a good note, now I have something completely different to write on. WIN!


So the past 2 weeks I have been in constant prayer about next fall. Not like bow your head close your eyes prayer, but like talking to myself and God in my head, occasionally out loud, all the time. And for about the whole 2 weeks, I had no answer. I would rather have NO than no answer. Especially me, I'm impatient!
I had started to look into a few schools already..NCSU, Auburn being the top contenders. AND I had a family in Mississippi and North Carolina ready to interview me! But I was kinda waiting on something (God) to tell me where to go next, what to pursue and when.
I have gotten to the point where the initial "fun phase" of moving away had worn off and I have been torn between what to do. Could I realllyyyy leave everyone and everything I have known my whole life just because I wanted to start over? Both parts of that question are sooo selfish.
So a friend and I got talking last night and I was catching her up on everything and all my new endeavors, and somehow her words really soaked in with me. Yeah, this whole decision ultimately is about me, but all the factors are about everyone else. Could I leave when my dad would just be getting out of cancer treatment? Could I leave when my family is amidst so much turmoil? Do I need a break from my entire life or just a part of it? Am I really that concerned with my education that I need to move 1000 miles away?
These kinds of questions hit home. Hard.

Questions lead to answers. Answer? Florida.

You know, I honestly didn't want to do this on my own. I wanted to stick to my guns and move away and be the independent little firecracker I always have been. I didn't wanna cave on my own terms. I wanted someone else to tell me they needed me to stay. I wanted to be needed here. I was afraid of leaving not because I was afraid of being lonely or away from my family, but because I thought that no one would really miss me. REAL HUMBLE SASH. Ahhh but I did have good motives too though! I had great intentions of being in a new place with no one and having ONLY my savior and the kids I nanny. A lot of frogging (fully relying on God ;) ). Not goood enough! I'm not quite strong enough to overpower my own little voice inside that I try to keep away from the public eye at all times, the one that might actually make it known that I am great at being independent, but most the time, I wish I knew how to be needy, just a little. I want that someday. To be needed and to need.
On that noteeeee..
Jake talked last night about love.
Love. I wanted to get up and leave when I heard that word. Love. I don't want to hear about love. I haven't found it, I don't have it, stop telling me about love. Love and Sasha just don't go. End of story. Anywho, my complaining aside, He made me realize how much love I have to offer, especially being smack in the middle of "family problems", love that I could keep pouring out here. Or I could move away and pretend all over again. I could pour out this really fake love to people who know nothing about me, so it's easy to fake it and pretend mylifeis100%awesomeallthetime. But instead, I think He wants me here. And more than that, He wants me to keep being honest and real and not hiding all this junk anymore. Why? because my life is not 100%awesomeallthetime and I don't have to act like it!
It's not about the tiny details of teaching licenses and nanny families and benefits. None of that matters. I know I feel like I'm screwing it up A LOT, but He's here with me regardless.

Simply, It's 100% about Him being made known through little me. It's me shutting up, and not complaining about love and other nonsense and just "smelling like Jesus".

Until that plane ticket shows up on my door to Asheville or Auburn...He's keeping me here.

Education Endeavors

Let me tell you about yesterday...

I woke up earlier than I have in like 2 months. Before 6. Yikes. Get all teacher-y looking, inhale a blueberry bagel and head down to Blake High School. Gotta love 7AM traffic! Get there, park, sign in. 1.54 hours later, another USF ed student joins me. I'M STILL WAITING! Grr. We chat for a little bit, complain about our professor- because he's in the same section as I am, and we can. His name is Aaron. Finallyyyyy our contact comes and takes us to the classes we get to observe. Can I just say something? DUDE. that school is freaking awesome. I was like in memory lane jealousy..coolest school ever. Guess what I get to observe (...as usual) ? GEOMETRY! As an added bonus it's also FCAT week and they're prepping and reviewing. I'm sorry, but if a ninth or tenth grader doesn't know how to find area of a figure by now....something is quite, quite wrong. Then I went to lunch with the kid in my class, Aaron. A little odd driving around and eating with basically a stranger, but it was nice and we kept up a sweet convo. Mainly about his music frat and other random things. I told him he was not Southern and he disagreed. He's from Virginia, come on, I don't think that counts. Back at school and we head back to our observation rooms..I requested some upper level courses though. Got paired with THE sweetest lady teaching Pre calc and AP Stat. It was memory lane for sure. I felt like I was back in my old math classes, the teacher even knew my math teacher from Durant! The kids in these classes were chill too. Not the typically crazy rude kids in geometry one that either call their teacher MA or MIZ. NO no no no nO! Ohh my goodness, I will write up the first student who EVER calls me that so fast. So disrespectful. (Old school right? ;) )


Sash's Math Ed Observation Highlights:
1. Watching the school police officer and an AP run out the front office (during my 1.54ish hour wait). Only words I catch are, 3 students, male, just jumped the fence, headed in the direction of the river. lololololollolol. I hadn't even started my observation and it was gettin REAL interesting.

2. Throwing staplers? Really dude. Apparently this one tall kid had hit this other smaller kid (mind you, his height had no effect on the length of his shirt or shorts, they were both incredibly too large, but that's beyond the point). Anyways, he hit him in the forehead, jokingly I guess? I mean the whole class was real rowdy, but whatever. So short man gets 2 staplers off the teacher's desk and freaking chucks them at tall guy! Kicked out of class.

3. Finally I get out of these bogus underclassmen classes. Out of the 2 high schools I've been in, there has been zero respect for the teachers in these kinda classes. Always the teacher's fault though...they wanna be BFF with their kids instead of their leader. GR. Yeah so I leave and we're getting ready to go to lunch and some other faculty member flags us down and tells us we have to go into the cafeteria for a flash mob. Could this day get any more interesting?! Ahh it was pretty sweet. Only at an arts school though.

4. Doing the problems in a freshman algebra class faster and more correct than the teacher. AYE! Seriouslyyyyyy? :/

5. I got to sit in on an awesome AP STATS class. The teacher reminded me SOO much of my stats teacher. What did the class happen to be doing the day I sat in? M&M problem! YES. The teacher even gave me a calculator and a bag of m&m's and I was part of the data! :D I was so stoked. I couldn't remember how to solve for chi squared though. Merrrrh. Oh well.

6. Dress code does not exist. I saw way too much on Friday.

7. I was sworn to secrecy...but whatever. MTV is doing an episode of Made at Blake High School. I met the kid too! He's getting made into a singer.


I also met this kid at work later Friday night. DIE HARD gaga fan. Like insane. He has a Born This Way tattoo on his shoulder. He was absolutely adorable though. I really wanted to like talk to him more and honestly pray for him. I don't mean that in a "pray for him cause he loves gaga and so he's crazy", cause he's not. BUT sincerely, like I wanted to. I also met a ton of high schoolers form GA that were on a band trip. These two blonde girls I rang up had the sweetest little accents! I told them so and one of them said, I didn't even know I had one. HA! Tooo cute!


Segway into accents and potentially Ga.. I know like 2 people read this BUT! You know who you are! I have some prayer requests.
1. That God would continue to provide for the Philippines as He has been. I need to raise about 3000 by May 2 and also sublease my apartment BEFORE then. I can't pay for it anymore, like whatsoever. God will provide.
2. That I would be able to focus on prayerfully waiting for an answer about the fall. Right now, I'm not registering for classes. I'm praying about moving my residency (taking a year off and working in like NC or something, then registering for classes the following fall as an in state student). Crazy right? I'm really looking for an answer as to what, where and when.

:)

Black Whales are born white.

I don't get this life. I don't fully understand any aspect of this crazy day to day thing we do. Everyday it goes on, like a song looped on forever, a home video stuck on repeat. And some days I forget that I'm not a part of it. Some days even, I forget that this is not my home, that I serve a King that rules a kingdom that will never crumble or fade like the earth we stand on today. It breaks my heart, but I do. I forget sometimes. I feel like one can only play the "I'm only human" card so many times. Can life ever be THAT difficult to forget about the pain and suffering my Savior had to go through? Did He go through all that simply for me to take a day off and just forget, just check out for the day? All I know is that life can be absolutely terrifying, but it doesn't have to be. And even when we're scared to death, at our weakest point, we have a place to stand up under. We have a shield to call home, a shepherd to call Father. It's not about being brave or understanding. It's about knowing Him and making Him known.