Dear Heart,
Kick it into high gear, he's educated, employed, and not at all like that d-bag you're still after.
Sincerely, Brain.
today, i hid in a cupboard at Ikea. Everytime someone opened the cupboard to look at it, i said "welcome to Narnia" the looks on some peoples faces was priceless. MLIA
Today I slipped in the shower and tried to grab onto the water to catch myself. It didn't work. MLIA
while at wal-mart, I take my four year old cousin to the game section while my aunt shopped. beside us was this huge guy with a giant devil head airbrushed on the back of his jacket and all of the sudden my cousin open his full bottle of water and starts sloshing it around like holy water while screaming, "BEGONE, SATAN! BEGOOOOOONE!" covering me, the man, and himself in water. as we walked back his mom looked at us covered in water and says, "He did the Satan thing again, didn't he?" MLIA.
Dear Disney,
Thanks for giving me unrealistic expectations about love.
Sincerely, Still Waiting for Prince Charming.
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed.
Dear Gangsters,
If it's any motivation at all, you have a much higher chance outrunning the cops if you pull up your pants.
Sincerely, Hopeful.
"...until you learn how to say 'no', you will never be able to fully say 'yes'.
Unless you know how to set boundaries to form your safe space, you will always be concerned that saying 'yes' might put you in danger. So you will always pull back a little from saying 'yes' with your whole heart. Paradoxically, knowing how to say 'no' to form boundaries gives much more power to your 'yes'. "
Monday, November 29, 2010
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
overitoveritoverit.
I cannot do this anymore.
I'm not me.
I'm not who I was.
I'm not sure who you see.
I'm not sure of anything.
Won't you just undo this?
I can't stand the tears.
I can't stand the silence.
I can't bear another waking moment wishing I had done something else.
Said something else.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wondering what it would take for you to be bold.
Wishing I had what it took for you to be bold regardless.
It's all on replay. Over and over and over again.
I've been thinking I'm the only one who can make this train stop.
In reality, it's you.
I really do have a million things to say.
I just can't find the words.
The only thing I seem to be able to do is "can't".
I'm alone and scared and vulnerable and you're too far.
The doors about to shut and you don't hold the key.
Make this work.
Make forever, just don't take too long.
..cause my bags are packed.
I'm a fool for being wide open, although my heart's not on my sleeve.
Shame on you for not doing anything.
Quit acting like you're dime a dozen.
Shame on me for waiting for you.
And I'm the one who still comes up empty.
How do you get away with it?
Do you like that face in the mirror, does she?
“I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick - it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh - even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.”
“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.”
I'm not me.
I'm not who I was.
I'm not sure who you see.
I'm not sure of anything.
Won't you just undo this?
I can't stand the tears.
I can't stand the silence.
I can't bear another waking moment wishing I had done something else.
Said something else.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wondering what it would take for you to be bold.
Wishing I had what it took for you to be bold regardless.
It's all on replay. Over and over and over again.
I've been thinking I'm the only one who can make this train stop.
In reality, it's you.
I really do have a million things to say.
I just can't find the words.
The only thing I seem to be able to do is "can't".
I'm alone and scared and vulnerable and you're too far.
The doors about to shut and you don't hold the key.
Make this work.
Make forever, just don't take too long.
..cause my bags are packed.
I'm a fool for being wide open, although my heart's not on my sleeve.
Shame on you for not doing anything.
Quit acting like you're dime a dozen.
Shame on me for waiting for you.
And I'm the one who still comes up empty.
How do you get away with it?
Do you like that face in the mirror, does she?
“I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick - it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh - even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.”
“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.”
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Dear _________________________,
I can't possibly sit here and write the second blog on Proverbs 31 when my heart is as bitter as it is right now.
I also can't possibly sit here and write about my bitterness and try to make it seem like life is hard.
In reality, if you're reading this, you probably have eaten more than once today, taken a shower, drank clean water, seen friends or family, and a number of other normal things we take for granted. All I want to do is rant about how I hate this "fake it till you make it" mentality that has taken over my life. How no one knows or seems to care how me or anyone else ACTUALLY feels, and can't even tell that everything you say and do is a show. Then i realize that's nothing. Nothing in comparison to being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave, being a child forced to take care of your family because your parents were killed, being so sick you can't even have friends. Having to erase the "fake it" part with "just keep on".
I know God doesn't belittle our problems and hurts and fears, so why do we belittle those who suffer so much more? Without even noticing, my everyday life screams selfishness. I don't know how to stop worrying about why he doesn't like me, or what my GPA will be, or if I'm going to make a good teacher, or if I'm doing my job right. I just don't understand why these things matter so much. They don't even count for anything. That stupid boy doesn't count for anything, neither does my GPA, or any current of future career. They count Z-E-R-O.
So screw trying to fit into your freakin cookie cutter. My heart is in NONE of this. I want nothing of it, except what the Lord has planned for me to use my education for, my hobbies, my gifts. My heart is made to only have passion for things Kingdom minded.
Yes, I hope this sounds harsh, brash, audacious and unreserved.
I'm just not doing it anymore. Sunday school language taught me how to be a bottle fed believer who only knows the inside of big gorgeous southern baptist churches. I don't wanna be inside this chicken coop of believers. I want to throw conservatism aside and embrace life. I don't need a stained glass tabernacle and the vocabulary that matches to be a saint. I wanna show love. I wanna spew love. I wanna give love and forget what I seem to think are problems.
Help me forget.
Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.
1 Corinthians 13:3
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
I also can't possibly sit here and write about my bitterness and try to make it seem like life is hard.
In reality, if you're reading this, you probably have eaten more than once today, taken a shower, drank clean water, seen friends or family, and a number of other normal things we take for granted. All I want to do is rant about how I hate this "fake it till you make it" mentality that has taken over my life. How no one knows or seems to care how me or anyone else ACTUALLY feels, and can't even tell that everything you say and do is a show. Then i realize that's nothing. Nothing in comparison to being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave, being a child forced to take care of your family because your parents were killed, being so sick you can't even have friends. Having to erase the "fake it" part with "just keep on".
I know God doesn't belittle our problems and hurts and fears, so why do we belittle those who suffer so much more? Without even noticing, my everyday life screams selfishness. I don't know how to stop worrying about why he doesn't like me, or what my GPA will be, or if I'm going to make a good teacher, or if I'm doing my job right. I just don't understand why these things matter so much. They don't even count for anything. That stupid boy doesn't count for anything, neither does my GPA, or any current of future career. They count Z-E-R-O.
So screw trying to fit into your freakin cookie cutter. My heart is in NONE of this. I want nothing of it, except what the Lord has planned for me to use my education for, my hobbies, my gifts. My heart is made to only have passion for things Kingdom minded.
Yes, I hope this sounds harsh, brash, audacious and unreserved.
I'm just not doing it anymore. Sunday school language taught me how to be a bottle fed believer who only knows the inside of big gorgeous southern baptist churches. I don't wanna be inside this chicken coop of believers. I want to throw conservatism aside and embrace life. I don't need a stained glass tabernacle and the vocabulary that matches to be a saint. I wanna show love. I wanna spew love. I wanna give love and forget what I seem to think are problems.
Help me forget.
Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.
1 Corinthians 13:3
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Real Talk...JK
Kinda sorta breaking the chain of relevant and "awesome" blog posts. This one sucks, you can stop reading...
Now.
Ever had so much in your head that you literally can't stop taking about the things you have to do, want to say, need to do etc?
Rooiiiight. You've never felt like that? I'll help you out.
Example: Calc project ughhh, poetry yay!, Gainesville tomorrow! I need to plan an outfit, AFB! I planned an outfit I just need to pack a lunch, hair cut..CRAP I have to pick something..shave it all off?, sore throat..sudafed sucks, turkey trot soon! run!, please please pleasee tell me what you're thinking, Metro Min in a month!, I don't want the holidays to come, I want you to be honest, I need to plan a fishing trip...I don't fish, Passion 2011?, I need to read my Bible, I need to read, Can I just be inside your head for like 5.5 seconds?.
Okay enough...
It's 8:00PM and I'm working on my "Applied Calculus Project" which my professor conveniently just calls ACP. Oh what is that you ask? Probably the nerdiest thing I have ever done. So I'm in an Engineering calc class...because I WAS an engineer, dropped the course last sem and now im back to finish it ... as an education major hahaa. (I should be there now, but I don't feel like it and I'm working on my project (see below) so I don't feel guilty)
There is no relevance to the project and my major like the majority of my classmates.
Project topic? Babies heads.
Oh it gets better.
Title: "Infants' Head Growth Rate Compared to Body Growth Rate Using Allometry" or "Infants Grow Fast, but Their Heads Don't!" haha.
No, but seriously. Legit right? If only I can figure out how to make up some fancy equations, throw in some graphs, a few paragraphs and it end up like 4 pages long- we're good.
It's 8:12..I'm wasting time.
I could be getting ready for my awesome day at the AIR FORCE BASE. Yes! Total civial gonnnaa be on base! :) Saddest day ecer if I get denied access haha. Would be the story of my life. HEY! Speaking of story of my life...
I seriously cried the first time I saw that. Yeah I'm immature, what!
The new Taylor Swift CD is soo good. FYI.
I'm gonna start training for a half marathon. Don't be impressed, I need to do something constructive.
I may get tickets to see JB on Dec. 19. werd.
It's gonna rain tomorrow!
8:30!
Just throwin it out there. If you're a guy...FREAKING act like it. kthanks.
Now.
Ever had so much in your head that you literally can't stop taking about the things you have to do, want to say, need to do etc?
Rooiiiight. You've never felt like that? I'll help you out.
Example: Calc project ughhh, poetry yay!, Gainesville tomorrow! I need to plan an outfit, AFB! I planned an outfit I just need to pack a lunch, hair cut..CRAP I have to pick something..shave it all off?, sore throat..sudafed sucks, turkey trot soon! run!, please please pleasee tell me what you're thinking, Metro Min in a month!, I don't want the holidays to come, I want you to be honest, I need to plan a fishing trip...I don't fish, Passion 2011?, I need to read my Bible, I need to read, Can I just be inside your head for like 5.5 seconds?.
Okay enough...
It's 8:00PM and I'm working on my "Applied Calculus Project" which my professor conveniently just calls ACP. Oh what is that you ask? Probably the nerdiest thing I have ever done. So I'm in an Engineering calc class...because I WAS an engineer, dropped the course last sem and now im back to finish it ... as an education major hahaa. (I should be there now, but I don't feel like it and I'm working on my project (see below) so I don't feel guilty)
There is no relevance to the project and my major like the majority of my classmates.
Project topic? Babies heads.
Oh it gets better.
Title: "Infants' Head Growth Rate Compared to Body Growth Rate Using Allometry" or "Infants Grow Fast, but Their Heads Don't!" haha.
No, but seriously. Legit right? If only I can figure out how to make up some fancy equations, throw in some graphs, a few paragraphs and it end up like 4 pages long- we're good.
It's 8:12..I'm wasting time.
I could be getting ready for my awesome day at the AIR FORCE BASE. Yes! Total civial gonnnaa be on base! :) Saddest day ecer if I get denied access haha. Would be the story of my life. HEY! Speaking of story of my life...
I seriously cried the first time I saw that. Yeah I'm immature, what!
The new Taylor Swift CD is soo good. FYI.
I'm gonna start training for a half marathon. Don't be impressed, I need to do something constructive.
I may get tickets to see JB on Dec. 19. werd.
It's gonna rain tomorrow!
8:30!
Just throwin it out there. If you're a guy...FREAKING act like it. kthanks.
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