Hiatus

Maybe I took the last line of my previous post a little too far. "A stagnant life is one I do not desire to live." I didn't get my toes wet, I did a cannonball.

So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?

Absolutely not.

Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.

I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.