Somewhere between finding out that I'm not where I fit and that I'm not fit to be so many things, I forgot why I started this adventure almost two years ago.
It was for me. The journey was mine and mine alone. No one else could feel what I felt or experience what I experienced. It was all me.
Somehow, 1,700 miles away from everything I ever knew, I found me. I found what made me happiest. I found the purest form of Sasha Rihana Arms. Nothing beats that feeling - loving every ounce of your life, every person surrounding you and every corner of every street you find something new to love.
And now I'm left grasping at straws. Trying everything to get that feeling back. Painting, slacklining, reading, writing, lifting, driving, eating, drinking, friends.. and none of them have 100% me in the equation. My heart isn't really in anything I do here. Because my heart isn't here, it's 1,700 miles away. So if I'm not Susie Sunshine, it's because I'm working on filling the chunk of me that's missing. Christ is the only thing that can fill that void until I can be reunited with my "heart". And when something else leaves a void, He'll fill it then too. But for right now, He's kind of all I have to cling to. And honestly, all I want or need to cling to. I don't need anything else in my life to half heartedly love, enjoy or be apart of.
I realize this isn't where I want to be, for many reasons. But if I could just have a few answers from God, maybe "me" could begin to surface again. Maybe.. but probably not. Because to be honest, asking why hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. And throwing myself a Boca sized pity party won't help either. I have been really confused in my Women's Bible Study the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what my wilderness is, what my Egypt was and where my promised land is going to be. Well, I think a light bulb went off today. Texas was my Egypt. God delivered me from a financial struggle as well as an emotional one. But he didn't just pluck me out of that, He has sent me on a long, long journey through the dessert. A journey that still has at least 7 months left. I'm learning to expect it to get worse, but to accept the fact that my wilderness isn't going anywhere for some time. I can CHOOSE whether or not I want to throw a pity party or not. As for my promised land.. maybe it's the road back to the Lone Star state, maybe somewhere totally new. I'm not sure. I just know, that I know, that I KNOW, I will be delivered from my wilderness. God is faithful, not matter how long it takes or how silent He seems.
I know a lot of my posts have been pretty selfish as of late. But I'm just being transparent about things. Pray for direction and discernment in the weeks to come. That I can still be a light regardless of how my heart feels. And if you're in the wilderness too, expect and accept it! Hold me accountable to the promises of God!
-Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Painted-Paisley
"Painted-Paisley" isn't what this post is about BUT, I wanted to let you all know that I have started a photo blog called Painted-Paisley! As of now, it's just a style blog and a place to put all my gazillion phone pictures :) Enjoy! Painted-Paisley
Now that that's out of the way, I can blog about some really GREAT things.
As many of you know, Boca Raton was not something I entirely looked forward to. In fact, I came dragging my feet all the way from Texas. I sulked. I asked God what He thought He was doing, why ruin a good thing. I asked Him if He thought this was funny; if this was my punishment for moving to Texas in the first place. I don't know, but I was angry. I had to leave my dog, best friend, and the greatest community I have ever been apart of. To come to what? Boca. I left all of that for THIS?!
Yeah, I kinda sorta hate this place (sorry, but it's pretty and that's about it). But fast forward to now and the Bible study I have become a part of - by absolutely divine reasons. A church I happened to try out, with a Bible study that happened to be starting just as I moved here and the best part, a study that happened to be on the topic which boils down to praising God in the "wilderness". Praising God when you have no idea WHY He's brought you here. Being joyful when it seems like there's nothing to be joyful about.
Well, I'll be darned. Looks like the Israelites weren't the only ones wishing they could flee BACK to Egypt. Kinda like I'd love to flee back to Texas. The Promised Land didn't seem so promised to them when it took so dang long to get there and they didn't understand the reasoning behind the extra long journey. Kinda like I don't get why I spent a year there and I don't know where the next year is going to be. But just like they had living signs and miracles from God, so do I - making the journey THAT much more bearable. Just like the Israelites were put through the desert with miracles spanned far and wide from eachother. I too, have to be in the desert. But the miracles COME. And the desert times COME. But with each of them comes a different discovery of God in my relationship with Him. Austin changed my life.. and SO will Boca - just in a much different way.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning that the wilderness, the desert times HAVE to happen. There has to be an "inbetween" the miracles time. Be okay with your wilderness. Be okay with your desert. Don't beg for the comfort of your old life like the Israelites did. Instead, embrace the manna, the cloud of fire by night and cloud of smoke by day.
AND DON'T LET THE DEVIL EAT YOUR STINKIN LUNCH! :D
Now that that's out of the way, I can blog about some really GREAT things.
As many of you know, Boca Raton was not something I entirely looked forward to. In fact, I came dragging my feet all the way from Texas. I sulked. I asked God what He thought He was doing, why ruin a good thing. I asked Him if He thought this was funny; if this was my punishment for moving to Texas in the first place. I don't know, but I was angry. I had to leave my dog, best friend, and the greatest community I have ever been apart of. To come to what? Boca. I left all of that for THIS?!
Yeah, I kinda sorta hate this place (sorry, but it's pretty and that's about it). But fast forward to now and the Bible study I have become a part of - by absolutely divine reasons. A church I happened to try out, with a Bible study that happened to be starting just as I moved here and the best part, a study that happened to be on the topic which boils down to praising God in the "wilderness". Praising God when you have no idea WHY He's brought you here. Being joyful when it seems like there's nothing to be joyful about.
Well, I'll be darned. Looks like the Israelites weren't the only ones wishing they could flee BACK to Egypt. Kinda like I'd love to flee back to Texas. The Promised Land didn't seem so promised to them when it took so dang long to get there and they didn't understand the reasoning behind the extra long journey. Kinda like I don't get why I spent a year there and I don't know where the next year is going to be. But just like they had living signs and miracles from God, so do I - making the journey THAT much more bearable. Just like the Israelites were put through the desert with miracles spanned far and wide from eachother. I too, have to be in the desert. But the miracles COME. And the desert times COME. But with each of them comes a different discovery of God in my relationship with Him. Austin changed my life.. and SO will Boca - just in a much different way.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning that the wilderness, the desert times HAVE to happen. There has to be an "inbetween" the miracles time. Be okay with your wilderness. Be okay with your desert. Don't beg for the comfort of your old life like the Israelites did. Instead, embrace the manna, the cloud of fire by night and cloud of smoke by day.
AND DON'T LET THE DEVIL EAT YOUR STINKIN LUNCH! :D
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