Somewhere between finding out that I'm not where I fit and that I'm not fit to be so many things, I forgot why I started this adventure almost two years ago.
It was for me. The journey was mine and mine alone. No one else could feel what I felt or experience what I experienced. It was all me.
Somehow, 1,700 miles away from everything I ever knew, I found me. I found what made me happiest. I found the purest form of Sasha Rihana Arms. Nothing beats that feeling - loving every ounce of your life, every person surrounding you and every corner of every street you find something new to love.
And now I'm left grasping at straws. Trying everything to get that feeling back. Painting, slacklining, reading, writing, lifting, driving, eating, drinking, friends.. and none of them have 100% me in the equation. My heart isn't really in anything I do here. Because my heart isn't here, it's 1,700 miles away. So if I'm not Susie Sunshine, it's because I'm working on filling the chunk of me that's missing. Christ is the only thing that can fill that void until I can be reunited with my "heart". And when something else leaves a void, He'll fill it then too. But for right now, He's kind of all I have to cling to. And honestly, all I want or need to cling to. I don't need anything else in my life to half heartedly love, enjoy or be apart of.
I realize this isn't where I want to be, for many reasons. But if I could just have a few answers from God, maybe "me" could begin to surface again. Maybe.. but probably not. Because to be honest, asking why hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. And throwing myself a Boca sized pity party won't help either. I have been really confused in my Women's Bible Study the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what my wilderness is, what my Egypt was and where my promised land is going to be. Well, I think a light bulb went off today. Texas was my Egypt. God delivered me from a financial struggle as well as an emotional one. But he didn't just pluck me out of that, He has sent me on a long, long journey through the dessert. A journey that still has at least 7 months left. I'm learning to expect it to get worse, but to accept the fact that my wilderness isn't going anywhere for some time. I can CHOOSE whether or not I want to throw a pity party or not. As for my promised land.. maybe it's the road back to the Lone Star state, maybe somewhere totally new. I'm not sure. I just know, that I know, that I KNOW, I will be delivered from my wilderness. God is faithful, not matter how long it takes or how silent He seems.
I know a lot of my posts have been pretty selfish as of late. But I'm just being transparent about things. Pray for direction and discernment in the weeks to come. That I can still be a light regardless of how my heart feels. And if you're in the wilderness too, expect and accept it! Hold me accountable to the promises of God!
-Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment