Fiducia!!

I can't even write a blog about what I want to because of the exact thing I need to be writing.
I can't trust myself enough to let down a wall...or two or three. I don't know how I feel towards anyone or anything because I simply stopped feeling. But I'm standing my ground this time and I'm not running. I KNOW I am vulnerable. I am oh so vulnerable, and shame on you if you use that to your advantage. This isn't a pity cry, it's a word vomit full of frustration and bitterness and hope. Hope that I can find it in my heart to not just accept things as they are, but to find someone who's willing to walk through the fire with me. And trusting them wholeheartedly after I have found them.

“Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”
Mother Teresa

“We get so focused on micromanaging God and His Kingdom that we forget to realize that He is more than capable of handling things on His own!”
-Bridget Willard

“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”

Not empty, not beautiful, not broken

Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.

-- Dinah Craik

Blotted Life

I've turned this into some master scheme.
That I would end up in his arms, in that place, with that job, with those kids, with that body, making that salary.

And I've seen the problem over and over and over.

And somehow, it still trips me up.
God has a way of doing that, you know.

I wanna be able to say with my whole heart.
I wanna be abe to trust with my whole soul and love with everything I have, and believe beyond anything I know.

That even if I don't end up in anyone's arms, I have You.
If I don't get that that place, any place you're always here. And when you're here I am satisfied.
When I get fired from that job, I know you still provide.
If I can't ever have children, I know you'd bless me with a life which you had already planned.
That I can't ever meet my own standards, you remind me I'm a daughter of the King.

God make this my heart.
make this my cry.

It's in the utter, lost brokenness where I see your grace as more amazing.
Where I am astounded by your mercy and unfailing love for my soul.
God, You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go.



Tonight someone told me 'God made burdens, He also made shoulders.'
And you know I'm still thinking about that. I think it's easy to say that trials and testing,...burdens, aren't exactly the most exciting things to think about. Even when we know we have what it takes to carry them, we doubt our ability to get through it.
The Lord wouldn't place something in your life that would cripple you. You may feel like it, I certainly do, but He already knows that outcome. He is going to get you through it..I can type that forever and not believe it when I hit that road block. How difficult it is to just see the light at the end of the tunnel when our day seems so dark.The trial is just part of the bigger picture. Maybe it's the part that ties it all together, maybe it's the background, and yours might even be the flowers that make a grassy meadow look beautiful. Take your trial, and walk with it. Don't run from it like I do. Don't hide from it like I do. Don't pretend it doesn't exist like I do. I'm learning to see trials. Not how to live or react with them, just to open my eyes to them. It's hard to look at, but I have to remind myself that MY God is faithful. I would never doubt Him...why should I just because life got tough?