I can't even write a blog about what I want to because of the exact thing I need to be writing.
I can't trust myself enough to let down a wall...or two or three. I don't know how I feel towards anyone or anything because I simply stopped feeling. But I'm standing my ground this time and I'm not running. I KNOW I am vulnerable. I am oh so vulnerable, and shame on you if you use that to your advantage. This isn't a pity cry, it's a word vomit full of frustration and bitterness and hope. Hope that I can find it in my heart to not just accept things as they are, but to find someone who's willing to walk through the fire with me. And trusting them wholeheartedly after I have found them.
“Trust the instinct to the end, though you can render no reason”
Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much.”
Mother Teresa
“We get so focused on micromanaging God and His Kingdom that we forget to realize that He is more than capable of handling things on His own!”
-Bridget Willard
“We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy”
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Not empty, not beautiful, not broken
Oh, the comfort, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person, having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.
-- Dinah Craik
-- Dinah Craik
Saturday, December 4, 2010
Blotted Life
I've turned this into some master scheme.
That I would end up in his arms, in that place, with that job, with those kids, with that body, making that salary.
And I've seen the problem over and over and over.
And somehow, it still trips me up.
God has a way of doing that, you know.
I wanna be able to say with my whole heart.
I wanna be abe to trust with my whole soul and love with everything I have, and believe beyond anything I know.
That even if I don't end up in anyone's arms, I have You.
If I don't get that that place, any place you're always here. And when you're here I am satisfied.
When I get fired from that job, I know you still provide.
If I can't ever have children, I know you'd bless me with a life which you had already planned.
That I can't ever meet my own standards, you remind me I'm a daughter of the King.
God make this my heart.
make this my cry.
It's in the utter, lost brokenness where I see your grace as more amazing.
Where I am astounded by your mercy and unfailing love for my soul.
God, You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go.
Tonight someone told me 'God made burdens, He also made shoulders.'
And you know I'm still thinking about that. I think it's easy to say that trials and testing,...burdens, aren't exactly the most exciting things to think about. Even when we know we have what it takes to carry them, we doubt our ability to get through it.
The Lord wouldn't place something in your life that would cripple you. You may feel like it, I certainly do, but He already knows that outcome. He is going to get you through it..I can type that forever and not believe it when I hit that road block. How difficult it is to just see the light at the end of the tunnel when our day seems so dark.The trial is just part of the bigger picture. Maybe it's the part that ties it all together, maybe it's the background, and yours might even be the flowers that make a grassy meadow look beautiful. Take your trial, and walk with it. Don't run from it like I do. Don't hide from it like I do. Don't pretend it doesn't exist like I do. I'm learning to see trials. Not how to live or react with them, just to open my eyes to them. It's hard to look at, but I have to remind myself that MY God is faithful. I would never doubt Him...why should I just because life got tough?
That I would end up in his arms, in that place, with that job, with those kids, with that body, making that salary.
And I've seen the problem over and over and over.
And somehow, it still trips me up.
God has a way of doing that, you know.
I wanna be able to say with my whole heart.
I wanna be abe to trust with my whole soul and love with everything I have, and believe beyond anything I know.
That even if I don't end up in anyone's arms, I have You.
If I don't get that that place, any place you're always here. And when you're here I am satisfied.
When I get fired from that job, I know you still provide.
If I can't ever have children, I know you'd bless me with a life which you had already planned.
That I can't ever meet my own standards, you remind me I'm a daughter of the King.
God make this my heart.
make this my cry.
It's in the utter, lost brokenness where I see your grace as more amazing.
Where I am astounded by your mercy and unfailing love for my soul.
God, You never let go. You never let go. You never let go. You never let go.
Tonight someone told me 'God made burdens, He also made shoulders.'
And you know I'm still thinking about that. I think it's easy to say that trials and testing,...burdens, aren't exactly the most exciting things to think about. Even when we know we have what it takes to carry them, we doubt our ability to get through it.
The Lord wouldn't place something in your life that would cripple you. You may feel like it, I certainly do, but He already knows that outcome. He is going to get you through it..I can type that forever and not believe it when I hit that road block. How difficult it is to just see the light at the end of the tunnel when our day seems so dark.The trial is just part of the bigger picture. Maybe it's the part that ties it all together, maybe it's the background, and yours might even be the flowers that make a grassy meadow look beautiful. Take your trial, and walk with it. Don't run from it like I do. Don't hide from it like I do. Don't pretend it doesn't exist like I do. I'm learning to see trials. Not how to live or react with them, just to open my eyes to them. It's hard to look at, but I have to remind myself that MY God is faithful. I would never doubt Him...why should I just because life got tough?
Monday, November 29, 2010
GOLDEN.
Dear Heart,
Kick it into high gear, he's educated, employed, and not at all like that d-bag you're still after.
Sincerely, Brain.
today, i hid in a cupboard at Ikea. Everytime someone opened the cupboard to look at it, i said "welcome to Narnia" the looks on some peoples faces was priceless. MLIA
Today I slipped in the shower and tried to grab onto the water to catch myself. It didn't work. MLIA
while at wal-mart, I take my four year old cousin to the game section while my aunt shopped. beside us was this huge guy with a giant devil head airbrushed on the back of his jacket and all of the sudden my cousin open his full bottle of water and starts sloshing it around like holy water while screaming, "BEGONE, SATAN! BEGOOOOOONE!" covering me, the man, and himself in water. as we walked back his mom looked at us covered in water and says, "He did the Satan thing again, didn't he?" MLIA.
Dear Disney,
Thanks for giving me unrealistic expectations about love.
Sincerely, Still Waiting for Prince Charming.
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed.
Dear Gangsters,
If it's any motivation at all, you have a much higher chance outrunning the cops if you pull up your pants.
Sincerely, Hopeful.
"...until you learn how to say 'no', you will never be able to fully say 'yes'.
Unless you know how to set boundaries to form your safe space, you will always be concerned that saying 'yes' might put you in danger. So you will always pull back a little from saying 'yes' with your whole heart. Paradoxically, knowing how to say 'no' to form boundaries gives much more power to your 'yes'. "
Kick it into high gear, he's educated, employed, and not at all like that d-bag you're still after.
Sincerely, Brain.
today, i hid in a cupboard at Ikea. Everytime someone opened the cupboard to look at it, i said "welcome to Narnia" the looks on some peoples faces was priceless. MLIA
Today I slipped in the shower and tried to grab onto the water to catch myself. It didn't work. MLIA
while at wal-mart, I take my four year old cousin to the game section while my aunt shopped. beside us was this huge guy with a giant devil head airbrushed on the back of his jacket and all of the sudden my cousin open his full bottle of water and starts sloshing it around like holy water while screaming, "BEGONE, SATAN! BEGOOOOOONE!" covering me, the man, and himself in water. as we walked back his mom looked at us covered in water and says, "He did the Satan thing again, didn't he?" MLIA.
Dear Disney,
Thanks for giving me unrealistic expectations about love.
Sincerely, Still Waiting for Prince Charming.
Dear Fox News,
So far, no news about foxes.
Sincerely, Unimpressed.
Dear Gangsters,
If it's any motivation at all, you have a much higher chance outrunning the cops if you pull up your pants.
Sincerely, Hopeful.
"...until you learn how to say 'no', you will never be able to fully say 'yes'.
Unless you know how to set boundaries to form your safe space, you will always be concerned that saying 'yes' might put you in danger. So you will always pull back a little from saying 'yes' with your whole heart. Paradoxically, knowing how to say 'no' to form boundaries gives much more power to your 'yes'. "
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
overitoveritoverit.
I cannot do this anymore.
I'm not me.
I'm not who I was.
I'm not sure who you see.
I'm not sure of anything.
Won't you just undo this?
I can't stand the tears.
I can't stand the silence.
I can't bear another waking moment wishing I had done something else.
Said something else.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wondering what it would take for you to be bold.
Wishing I had what it took for you to be bold regardless.
It's all on replay. Over and over and over again.
I've been thinking I'm the only one who can make this train stop.
In reality, it's you.
I really do have a million things to say.
I just can't find the words.
The only thing I seem to be able to do is "can't".
I'm alone and scared and vulnerable and you're too far.
The doors about to shut and you don't hold the key.
Make this work.
Make forever, just don't take too long.
..cause my bags are packed.
I'm a fool for being wide open, although my heart's not on my sleeve.
Shame on you for not doing anything.
Quit acting like you're dime a dozen.
Shame on me for waiting for you.
And I'm the one who still comes up empty.
How do you get away with it?
Do you like that face in the mirror, does she?
“I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick - it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh - even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.”
“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.”
I'm not me.
I'm not who I was.
I'm not sure who you see.
I'm not sure of anything.
Won't you just undo this?
I can't stand the tears.
I can't stand the silence.
I can't bear another waking moment wishing I had done something else.
Said something else.
Wishing I was someone else.
Wondering what it would take for you to be bold.
Wishing I had what it took for you to be bold regardless.
It's all on replay. Over and over and over again.
I've been thinking I'm the only one who can make this train stop.
In reality, it's you.
I really do have a million things to say.
I just can't find the words.
The only thing I seem to be able to do is "can't".
I'm alone and scared and vulnerable and you're too far.
The doors about to shut and you don't hold the key.
Make this work.
Make forever, just don't take too long.
..cause my bags are packed.
I'm a fool for being wide open, although my heart's not on my sleeve.
Shame on you for not doing anything.
Quit acting like you're dime a dozen.
Shame on me for waiting for you.
And I'm the one who still comes up empty.
How do you get away with it?
Do you like that face in the mirror, does she?
“I hate the way you talk to me. And the way you cut your hair. I hate the way you drive my car. I hate it when you stare I hate your big dumb combat boots. And the way you read my mind. I hate you so much it makes me sick - it even makes me rhyme. I hate the way you're always right. I hate it when you lie. I hate it when you make me laugh - even worse when you make me cry. I hate it that you're not around. And the fact that you didnt call. But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you - not even close, not even a little bit, not any at all.”
“Those who hate most fervently must have once loved deeply; those who want to deny the world must have once embraced what they now set on fire.”
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Dear _________________________,
I can't possibly sit here and write the second blog on Proverbs 31 when my heart is as bitter as it is right now.
I also can't possibly sit here and write about my bitterness and try to make it seem like life is hard.
In reality, if you're reading this, you probably have eaten more than once today, taken a shower, drank clean water, seen friends or family, and a number of other normal things we take for granted. All I want to do is rant about how I hate this "fake it till you make it" mentality that has taken over my life. How no one knows or seems to care how me or anyone else ACTUALLY feels, and can't even tell that everything you say and do is a show. Then i realize that's nothing. Nothing in comparison to being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave, being a child forced to take care of your family because your parents were killed, being so sick you can't even have friends. Having to erase the "fake it" part with "just keep on".
I know God doesn't belittle our problems and hurts and fears, so why do we belittle those who suffer so much more? Without even noticing, my everyday life screams selfishness. I don't know how to stop worrying about why he doesn't like me, or what my GPA will be, or if I'm going to make a good teacher, or if I'm doing my job right. I just don't understand why these things matter so much. They don't even count for anything. That stupid boy doesn't count for anything, neither does my GPA, or any current of future career. They count Z-E-R-O.
So screw trying to fit into your freakin cookie cutter. My heart is in NONE of this. I want nothing of it, except what the Lord has planned for me to use my education for, my hobbies, my gifts. My heart is made to only have passion for things Kingdom minded.
Yes, I hope this sounds harsh, brash, audacious and unreserved.
I'm just not doing it anymore. Sunday school language taught me how to be a bottle fed believer who only knows the inside of big gorgeous southern baptist churches. I don't wanna be inside this chicken coop of believers. I want to throw conservatism aside and embrace life. I don't need a stained glass tabernacle and the vocabulary that matches to be a saint. I wanna show love. I wanna spew love. I wanna give love and forget what I seem to think are problems.
Help me forget.
Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.
1 Corinthians 13:3
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
I also can't possibly sit here and write about my bitterness and try to make it seem like life is hard.
In reality, if you're reading this, you probably have eaten more than once today, taken a shower, drank clean water, seen friends or family, and a number of other normal things we take for granted. All I want to do is rant about how I hate this "fake it till you make it" mentality that has taken over my life. How no one knows or seems to care how me or anyone else ACTUALLY feels, and can't even tell that everything you say and do is a show. Then i realize that's nothing. Nothing in comparison to being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave, being a child forced to take care of your family because your parents were killed, being so sick you can't even have friends. Having to erase the "fake it" part with "just keep on".
I know God doesn't belittle our problems and hurts and fears, so why do we belittle those who suffer so much more? Without even noticing, my everyday life screams selfishness. I don't know how to stop worrying about why he doesn't like me, or what my GPA will be, or if I'm going to make a good teacher, or if I'm doing my job right. I just don't understand why these things matter so much. They don't even count for anything. That stupid boy doesn't count for anything, neither does my GPA, or any current of future career. They count Z-E-R-O.
So screw trying to fit into your freakin cookie cutter. My heart is in NONE of this. I want nothing of it, except what the Lord has planned for me to use my education for, my hobbies, my gifts. My heart is made to only have passion for things Kingdom minded.
Yes, I hope this sounds harsh, brash, audacious and unreserved.
I'm just not doing it anymore. Sunday school language taught me how to be a bottle fed believer who only knows the inside of big gorgeous southern baptist churches. I don't wanna be inside this chicken coop of believers. I want to throw conservatism aside and embrace life. I don't need a stained glass tabernacle and the vocabulary that matches to be a saint. I wanna show love. I wanna spew love. I wanna give love and forget what I seem to think are problems.
Help me forget.
Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.
1 Corinthians 13:3
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Real Talk...JK
Kinda sorta breaking the chain of relevant and "awesome" blog posts. This one sucks, you can stop reading...
Now.
Ever had so much in your head that you literally can't stop taking about the things you have to do, want to say, need to do etc?
Rooiiiight. You've never felt like that? I'll help you out.
Example: Calc project ughhh, poetry yay!, Gainesville tomorrow! I need to plan an outfit, AFB! I planned an outfit I just need to pack a lunch, hair cut..CRAP I have to pick something..shave it all off?, sore throat..sudafed sucks, turkey trot soon! run!, please please pleasee tell me what you're thinking, Metro Min in a month!, I don't want the holidays to come, I want you to be honest, I need to plan a fishing trip...I don't fish, Passion 2011?, I need to read my Bible, I need to read, Can I just be inside your head for like 5.5 seconds?.
Okay enough...
It's 8:00PM and I'm working on my "Applied Calculus Project" which my professor conveniently just calls ACP. Oh what is that you ask? Probably the nerdiest thing I have ever done. So I'm in an Engineering calc class...because I WAS an engineer, dropped the course last sem and now im back to finish it ... as an education major hahaa. (I should be there now, but I don't feel like it and I'm working on my project (see below) so I don't feel guilty)
There is no relevance to the project and my major like the majority of my classmates.
Project topic? Babies heads.
Oh it gets better.
Title: "Infants' Head Growth Rate Compared to Body Growth Rate Using Allometry" or "Infants Grow Fast, but Their Heads Don't!" haha.
No, but seriously. Legit right? If only I can figure out how to make up some fancy equations, throw in some graphs, a few paragraphs and it end up like 4 pages long- we're good.
It's 8:12..I'm wasting time.
I could be getting ready for my awesome day at the AIR FORCE BASE. Yes! Total civial gonnnaa be on base! :) Saddest day ecer if I get denied access haha. Would be the story of my life. HEY! Speaking of story of my life...
I seriously cried the first time I saw that. Yeah I'm immature, what!
The new Taylor Swift CD is soo good. FYI.
I'm gonna start training for a half marathon. Don't be impressed, I need to do something constructive.
I may get tickets to see JB on Dec. 19. werd.
It's gonna rain tomorrow!
8:30!
Just throwin it out there. If you're a guy...FREAKING act like it. kthanks.
Now.
Ever had so much in your head that you literally can't stop taking about the things you have to do, want to say, need to do etc?
Rooiiiight. You've never felt like that? I'll help you out.
Example: Calc project ughhh, poetry yay!, Gainesville tomorrow! I need to plan an outfit, AFB! I planned an outfit I just need to pack a lunch, hair cut..CRAP I have to pick something..shave it all off?, sore throat..sudafed sucks, turkey trot soon! run!, please please pleasee tell me what you're thinking, Metro Min in a month!, I don't want the holidays to come, I want you to be honest, I need to plan a fishing trip...I don't fish, Passion 2011?, I need to read my Bible, I need to read, Can I just be inside your head for like 5.5 seconds?.
Okay enough...
It's 8:00PM and I'm working on my "Applied Calculus Project" which my professor conveniently just calls ACP. Oh what is that you ask? Probably the nerdiest thing I have ever done. So I'm in an Engineering calc class...because I WAS an engineer, dropped the course last sem and now im back to finish it ... as an education major hahaa. (I should be there now, but I don't feel like it and I'm working on my project (see below) so I don't feel guilty)
There is no relevance to the project and my major like the majority of my classmates.
Project topic? Babies heads.
Oh it gets better.
Title: "Infants' Head Growth Rate Compared to Body Growth Rate Using Allometry" or "Infants Grow Fast, but Their Heads Don't!" haha.
No, but seriously. Legit right? If only I can figure out how to make up some fancy equations, throw in some graphs, a few paragraphs and it end up like 4 pages long- we're good.
It's 8:12..I'm wasting time.
I could be getting ready for my awesome day at the AIR FORCE BASE. Yes! Total civial gonnnaa be on base! :) Saddest day ecer if I get denied access haha. Would be the story of my life. HEY! Speaking of story of my life...
I seriously cried the first time I saw that. Yeah I'm immature, what!
The new Taylor Swift CD is soo good. FYI.
I'm gonna start training for a half marathon. Don't be impressed, I need to do something constructive.
I may get tickets to see JB on Dec. 19. werd.
It's gonna rain tomorrow!
8:30!
Just throwin it out there. If you're a guy...FREAKING act like it. kthanks.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
P31
As a girl raised in the south, in a Southern Baptist, conservative, and traditional home... I cringe at the line "Chivalry is dead"..
"Chivalry is dead", and the point of this blog relate in this way: Who changed the rules and made it the norm for the lady to have to pursue, instead of be solely pursued. A solely pursued woman- the way the Lord wanted it, right?
Can women go back to being women instead of messing with this FWB, not being FBO, and all the other new lines being drawn by our modern, anti-modesty world? We live in a culture where "womanhood" is defined much differently than in God's Word. Think..today, the ideal woman is not a caring,stay at home mother, but a sassy independent business woman. "With scripture, we can discover and know the purpose of our existence, but we can't dictate it". Do we have to trade our independent mindset for a 50's apron? H-E-double-hockey-sticks NO.
So where do we, as Christian women, fit into society today?
-We have a purpose clearly defined by our MAKER.
Society teaches us from the start to be utterly selfish, but our "womanhood" is not about us! Pride gets in the way and this "anything guys can do I can do better" takes over. We think we find ourselves and the purpose of our lives, by finding a career where we are noticed superiorly, by calling all the shots and domineering everything in life all the way down to relationships. We have a big piece of duct tape over our eyes and it says PRIDE. We walk the maze of our life, leading ourselves, bumping into every possible road block: loneliness, insecurities, broken heartedness, and all the hidden hurts. We avoid the side of the room that's soft and welcoming because we think we have it all with just a career and independence. But the other side of the room offers no walls to bump into, and where we can finally bring down the mask of PRIDE. "Women were created to reflect the character, grace, beauty, and responsiveness of the bride He redeemed." Does the way we interact with men honor who God created us to be and does it tells the story God intended us to tell with our lives..? Are you picking him up, calling him, initiating everything, leaving him no room to step in and be a man. STOP. We were not created to blows up boys' phones and be attention magnets. Give yourself more credit than that and most importantly give the God who created you more credit than living as a selfish pursuer.
I want to continue this blog with all the points of a P31. Here's the first:
A Proverbs 31 woman is to pursue her savior, not her coworker or the cutie next to her in Chemistry. We are to be pursued, just as Christ pursued our hearts to turn and come follow Him, to be the bride of Christ. And though it may be a long road we get impatient along..when has the Lord not been faithful? A woman who pursues a man out of impatience and pride brings no glory to the Lord in that relationship. Our goals and ideals are so twisted, and I point the finger at myself too. We want ALL these worldly ideals of marriage and family and careers and independence, but they can't fit in the same part of our life as Jesus- not until we take ourselves out of the equation. When we take out ourselves, when we follow the purpose God intended for a woman, we can have all of these things..a career a family and whatever else God has in store.
Tying back into chivalry. This definition shows us how women were treated. It also shows us how just like the knight picked a lady out of all the other ladies, Christ chose us and is jealous for our love. He wants nothing more than for us to be pursued by a knight like in this definition. But a knight whose heart resides in the Lord's Kingdom.
Chivalry: Courtesy towards women. This would contain what is often called courtly love, the idea that the knight is to serve a lady, and after her all other ladies. Most especially in this category is a general gentleness and graciousness to all women.
It's my prayer that girls..and women will realize their worth in Christ. Even I tend to forget it. But we are so much more beautiful when we follow His purpose.
"Chivalry is dead", and the point of this blog relate in this way: Who changed the rules and made it the norm for the lady to have to pursue, instead of be solely pursued. A solely pursued woman- the way the Lord wanted it, right?
Can women go back to being women instead of messing with this FWB, not being FBO, and all the other new lines being drawn by our modern, anti-modesty world? We live in a culture where "womanhood" is defined much differently than in God's Word. Think..today, the ideal woman is not a caring,stay at home mother, but a sassy independent business woman. "With scripture, we can discover and know the purpose of our existence, but we can't dictate it". Do we have to trade our independent mindset for a 50's apron? H-E-double-hockey-sticks NO.
So where do we, as Christian women, fit into society today?
-We have a purpose clearly defined by our MAKER.
Society teaches us from the start to be utterly selfish, but our "womanhood" is not about us! Pride gets in the way and this "anything guys can do I can do better" takes over. We think we find ourselves and the purpose of our lives, by finding a career where we are noticed superiorly, by calling all the shots and domineering everything in life all the way down to relationships. We have a big piece of duct tape over our eyes and it says PRIDE. We walk the maze of our life, leading ourselves, bumping into every possible road block: loneliness, insecurities, broken heartedness, and all the hidden hurts. We avoid the side of the room that's soft and welcoming because we think we have it all with just a career and independence. But the other side of the room offers no walls to bump into, and where we can finally bring down the mask of PRIDE. "Women were created to reflect the character, grace, beauty, and responsiveness of the bride He redeemed." Does the way we interact with men honor who God created us to be and does it tells the story God intended us to tell with our lives..? Are you picking him up, calling him, initiating everything, leaving him no room to step in and be a man. STOP. We were not created to blows up boys' phones and be attention magnets. Give yourself more credit than that and most importantly give the God who created you more credit than living as a selfish pursuer.
I want to continue this blog with all the points of a P31. Here's the first:
A Proverbs 31 woman is to pursue her savior, not her coworker or the cutie next to her in Chemistry. We are to be pursued, just as Christ pursued our hearts to turn and come follow Him, to be the bride of Christ. And though it may be a long road we get impatient along..when has the Lord not been faithful? A woman who pursues a man out of impatience and pride brings no glory to the Lord in that relationship. Our goals and ideals are so twisted, and I point the finger at myself too. We want ALL these worldly ideals of marriage and family and careers and independence, but they can't fit in the same part of our life as Jesus- not until we take ourselves out of the equation. When we take out ourselves, when we follow the purpose God intended for a woman, we can have all of these things..a career a family and whatever else God has in store.
Tying back into chivalry. This definition shows us how women were treated. It also shows us how just like the knight picked a lady out of all the other ladies, Christ chose us and is jealous for our love. He wants nothing more than for us to be pursued by a knight like in this definition. But a knight whose heart resides in the Lord's Kingdom.
Chivalry: Courtesy towards women. This would contain what is often called courtly love, the idea that the knight is to serve a lady, and after her all other ladies. Most especially in this category is a general gentleness and graciousness to all women.
It's my prayer that girls..and women will realize their worth in Christ. Even I tend to forget it. But we are so much more beautiful when we follow His purpose.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
mercy is falling
I am weak.
You make me strong.
I am scared.
You overcome.
I am angry.
You calm my seas.
I am discouraged.
You pick me up.
I run away.
You run after me.
I break your heart.
You welcome me with open arms.
I cry.
You know my pains.
I hide.
You see my heart.
I build walls.
You break them down.
I get lost.
You already found me.
I fail.
You see where I succeed.
I feel alone.
You never leave my side.
My God, what have I done to deserve all of this..?
My trials are nothing in comparison to Your unfailing love.
My. TRIALS. are. N O T H I N G.
God is faithful.God is faithful.God is faithful.
You make me strong.
I am scared.
You overcome.
I am angry.
You calm my seas.
I am discouraged.
You pick me up.
I run away.
You run after me.
I break your heart.
You welcome me with open arms.
I cry.
You know my pains.
I hide.
You see my heart.
I build walls.
You break them down.
I get lost.
You already found me.
I fail.
You see where I succeed.
I feel alone.
You never leave my side.
My God, what have I done to deserve all of this..?
My trials are nothing in comparison to Your unfailing love.
My. TRIALS. are. N O T H I N G.
God is faithful.God is faithful.God is faithful.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Keep Me.
Tonight has been full of near-revelations for me..back to the drawing board and what I lack mostesttt! Patience.
The Lord has been reinforcing patience and self control and motivation in my life for as long as I can remember. And it's times like right now that I wish I had allowed Him to work how He needed, so that ultimately (even if I didn't think so right then and there) I would benefit from it. I have never struggled so much with patience. I don't just mean I get mad at red lights..I mean life patience. I've somehow forgotten that the Lord's timing is perfect and assumed that me getting an answer or solution right NOW is what's best. I assumed that everything being revealed to my tiny little heart right NOW is what I think I can handle, that if I can't foresee what's going to happen, then I can't have the patience to work with what I have right now.
.."God reveals to us WHAT we need, when we need it."
Ouch.
Not only am I being impatient, but selfish too. I was only thinking of me and how I would benefit from knowing now or having an answer now. When in reality, the Lord is just making sure I can handle the next thing before He gives me something else. Impatient me thinks: WHY!? I want to know so I can be done with this.
Patient me says: Because He cares about me SO stinkin much and knows me SO well, He is only giving me what I can carry. I may think I can hold it all, but I can't (hello, pride).
I have like a BAJILLION thoughts rolling around in my head right now, but basically:
1. The Lord will reveal things to me on His own time, as I can handle.
2. He wants me to be BOLD in decisions, seeking first His will. Not just impatiently whining for what I want to see happen.
3. I'm not failing by getting lost in uncharted waters- I'm failing if I succeed at the wrong thing.
4. I have to leave what is secure.. sometimes patience means no comfort zone.
5. There are people in my life to be stepping stones in leading me to other people-relationships take time and of course patience.
6. Patience and faithfulness. Patience and faithfulness. Patience and faithfulness.
Being faithful, we have to assume the role of patient. Hebrews 11 is testimony of SO many who were faithful to the Lord- and patience with what He was asking of them or how He was going to answer them.
Verse 7a: By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family.
Verse 8: By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Verse 11: By faith Abraham, even though he was past age—and Sarah herself was barren—was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise.
"..they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one."
Verse 17: By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice.
Verse 23: By faith Moses' parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king's edict.
Verse 29-30: By faith the people passed through the Red Sea[d] as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned. By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
Verse 31: By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.
Imagine if Abraham or Noah had been impatient with the Lord. Can you think of how things would have turned out if Noah said..You know God I love you and all, but I really would like you to tell me what this all means right now and explain this to me. And the same from Abraham or Moses or Rahab or the Israelites..Imagine if they had been impatient with the tasks God had entrusted them with. He gives us these sometimes daunting and overwhelming tasks because He KNOWS we can handle it, even if we can't see it all. Even if it feels like it is going to break us. He gives this to us because He trusts us to being glory to Him through it. I can't ever tell anyone to be patient because I lack it so much, but I can finally begin to understand the WHY end of patience in situations. He trusts me to handle this, but He loves me enough to only make me hold so much.
Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.
The Lord has been reinforcing patience and self control and motivation in my life for as long as I can remember. And it's times like right now that I wish I had allowed Him to work how He needed, so that ultimately (even if I didn't think so right then and there) I would benefit from it. I have never struggled so much with patience. I don't just mean I get mad at red lights..I mean life patience. I've somehow forgotten that the Lord's timing is perfect and assumed that me getting an answer or solution right NOW is what's best. I assumed that everything being revealed to my tiny little heart right NOW is what I think I can handle, that if I can't foresee what's going to happen, then I can't have the patience to work with what I have right now.
.."God reveals to us WHAT we need, when we need it."
Ouch.
Not only am I being impatient, but selfish too. I was only thinking of me and how I would benefit from knowing now or having an answer now. When in reality, the Lord is just making sure I can handle the next thing before He gives me something else. Impatient me thinks: WHY!? I want to know so I can be done with this.
Patient me says: Because He cares about me SO stinkin much and knows me SO well, He is only giving me what I can carry. I may think I can hold it all, but I can't (hello, pride).
I have like a BAJILLION thoughts rolling around in my head right now, but basically:
1. The Lord will reveal things to me on His own time, as I can handle.
2. He wants me to be BOLD in decisions, seeking first His will. Not just impatiently whining for what I want to see happen.
3. I'm not failing by getting lost in uncharted waters- I'm failing if I succeed at the wrong thing.
4. I have to leave what is secure.. sometimes patience means no comfort zone.
5. There are people in my life to be stepping stones in leading me to other people-relationships take time and of course patience.
6. Patience and faithfulness. Patience and faithfulness. Patience and faithfulness.
Being faithful, we have to assume the role of patient. Hebrews 11 is testimony of SO many who were faithful to the Lord- and patience with what He was asking of them or how He was going to answer them.
Verse 7a: By faith Noah, when warned about things not yet seen, in holy fear built an ark to save his family.
Verse 8: By faith Abraham, when called to go to a place he would later receive as his inheritance, obeyed and went, even though he did not know where he was going.
Verse 11: By faith Abraham, even though he was past age—and Sarah herself was barren—was enabled to become a father because he considered him faithful who had made the promise.
"..they admitted that they were aliens and strangers on earth. People who say such things show that they are looking for a country of their own. If they had been thinking of the country they had left, they would have had opportunity to return. Instead, they were longing for a better country—a heavenly one."
Verse 17: By faith Abraham, when God tested him, offered Isaac as a sacrifice.
Verse 23: By faith Moses' parents hid him for three months after he was born, because they saw he was no ordinary child, and they were not afraid of the king's edict.
Verse 29-30: By faith the people passed through the Red Sea[d] as on dry land; but when the Egyptians tried to do so, they were drowned. By faith the walls of Jericho fell, after the people had marched around them for seven days.
Verse 31: By faith the prostitute Rahab, because she welcomed the spies, was not killed with those who were disobedient.
Imagine if Abraham or Noah had been impatient with the Lord. Can you think of how things would have turned out if Noah said..You know God I love you and all, but I really would like you to tell me what this all means right now and explain this to me. And the same from Abraham or Moses or Rahab or the Israelites..Imagine if they had been impatient with the tasks God had entrusted them with. He gives us these sometimes daunting and overwhelming tasks because He KNOWS we can handle it, even if we can't see it all. Even if it feels like it is going to break us. He gives this to us because He trusts us to being glory to Him through it. I can't ever tell anyone to be patient because I lack it so much, but I can finally begin to understand the WHY end of patience in situations. He trusts me to handle this, but He loves me enough to only make me hold so much.
Psalm 40:1
I waited patiently for the LORD; he turned to me and heard my cry.
Isaiah 40:31
But those who wait on the LORD shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Running in Vain.
Still working on it...
"God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards." I feel like the best lessons, the greatest things are sometimes the hardest pills to swallow when you are at the beginning. Of course you can look back at the end and understand how it perfectly pieced together. But, it's that bitter start thats stings. That pride killing, fist clenching type feeling of being helpless. We all go through it, some of us are just beginning, some of us just got to the end and finally saw the Lord's reward. But we eventually feel it all.
And what does everyone tell you to do: Cast your cares on Him, right? 1 Peter 5: 7. Oftentimes, I personally become numb to the verses people throw at me while I'm in the middle of a major struggle. ALWAYS, scripture is exactly what we need to hear, but the timing can be off or the motives can be wrong. Instead of relying solely on verses...apply it. Don't just robotically tell me a verse like thats gonna make me feel all better. Be genuine and care. I never realized how much I just craved someone to be real and genuine with me. That can call me out, but in the same way encourage my core. Not just the aesthetic encouragement we mimic like we're southern baptist cookie cutters, real genuine CARE. I know that fellowship and encouragement are things that during this time in my life, I need constantly (along with pumpkin lattes).. So in order to get it back, I'm giving it, I'm avoiding it, I'm acting like I don't need it..
What I mean is this:
Should we have to hit rock bottom alone though? How loud do I have to be for you to notice that I need something more than a "how're you?"? Can you really not tell the difference between the pretending and my vulnerability? Who do I need to be for you to notice that I'm not okay and I need you to be His hands and feet?
How long can you keep building those walls around your heart?
And how long can you keep running from who you really are?
Don't you know that he knows you, sees everything you've done
So tell me why you keep trying to fool everyone?
Let it out
Let it out
Everything you've worked so hard to hide
Let it out
Let it out
Leave it at the cross where Jesus died
Take off your mask
Find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
Admit how much you need healing
Trade it all for love and freedom
Trade it all for saving grace
HOPE.
Its gonna get that the best of you
Its gonna lift you up and let you down
It will defeat you then teach you to get back up
After it takes away all that
It will teach you to love what you're afraid of
After it takes away all that
You learn to love
But you don't
Always
Have to hold your head
Higher than your heart
You learn to love
"God hid our biggest rewards behind the highest barriers - our deepest fears. God wants us to face our fears, and hold ground in their presence, and let them go, and that's how we get out biggest rewards." I feel like the best lessons, the greatest things are sometimes the hardest pills to swallow when you are at the beginning. Of course you can look back at the end and understand how it perfectly pieced together. But, it's that bitter start thats stings. That pride killing, fist clenching type feeling of being helpless. We all go through it, some of us are just beginning, some of us just got to the end and finally saw the Lord's reward. But we eventually feel it all.
And what does everyone tell you to do: Cast your cares on Him, right? 1 Peter 5: 7. Oftentimes, I personally become numb to the verses people throw at me while I'm in the middle of a major struggle. ALWAYS, scripture is exactly what we need to hear, but the timing can be off or the motives can be wrong. Instead of relying solely on verses...apply it. Don't just robotically tell me a verse like thats gonna make me feel all better. Be genuine and care. I never realized how much I just craved someone to be real and genuine with me. That can call me out, but in the same way encourage my core. Not just the aesthetic encouragement we mimic like we're southern baptist cookie cutters, real genuine CARE. I know that fellowship and encouragement are things that during this time in my life, I need constantly (along with pumpkin lattes).. So in order to get it back, I'm giving it, I'm avoiding it, I'm acting like I don't need it..
What I mean is this:
Should we have to hit rock bottom alone though? How loud do I have to be for you to notice that I need something more than a "how're you?"? Can you really not tell the difference between the pretending and my vulnerability? Who do I need to be for you to notice that I'm not okay and I need you to be His hands and feet?
How long can you keep building those walls around your heart?
And how long can you keep running from who you really are?
Don't you know that he knows you, sees everything you've done
So tell me why you keep trying to fool everyone?
Let it out
Let it out
Everything you've worked so hard to hide
Let it out
Let it out
Leave it at the cross where Jesus died
Take off your mask
Find peace at last
Cause He loves you more than you could ever know
Admit how much you need healing
Trade it all for love and freedom
Trade it all for saving grace
HOPE.
Its gonna get that the best of you
Its gonna lift you up and let you down
It will defeat you then teach you to get back up
After it takes away all that
It will teach you to love what you're afraid of
After it takes away all that
You learn to love
But you don't
Always
Have to hold your head
Higher than your heart
You learn to love
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Quvah
I will make you my promised bride forever. I will be good and fair, I will show you my love and mercy. HOSEA 2:19.
Lead me in your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. — Psalm 25:5
But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand; Delier me from the hand of my enemies, and from those who persecute me. — Psalm 31:14, 15
“And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish. — Psalm 39:7, 8
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. — Psalm 62:1, 2
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. — Isaiah 40:31
In the past couple of weeks I have needed a lot of patience. I felt as though the more impatient I was, the more "lessons" in patience I received. After coming across all these verses on waiting on the Lord, I began to grasp that virtue that we all sometimes lack a little better. The title "Quvah" is the hebrew translation of the word wait. But the definition isn't the same as the English, Webster's definition of wait. It can be defined in a lot of ways, but none of which mean just hang around until something happens: "eagerly waits, expect, expected, gathered, hope, hoped, hopefully, wait, hoping, look, look eagerly, looked, wait, waited, waited for you eagerly, waited patiently. To look hopefully in a particular direction. Be alert, watching the events and activities of the Lord and reacting to His timing and direction. Indeed, the word is translated "look" as often as any other term."
When you plug in any of those definitions for the above verses, patience becomes more than just a virtue you need and want when driving down I275 hitting malfunction junction at rush hour. It become more than just something you pray for and ask God to give you in your daily walk.
Quvah- Truly my soul "is hoping eagerly" for God. On you, God, I will HOPE all the day. There's more to it than patiently waiting for something to happen, or not happen. It's knowing that no matter HOW long it takes, you are so trusting in the Lord and HIS timing, impatiently waiting turns into hoping eagerly for what He has next planned and not expecting it at any given time. I say this a lot, but God's timing is impeccable. It's orchestrated perfectly!! When I see His plan on my life take place each day, I'm still amazed at how it works together every time..even when 24 hours prior I was trying to understand the WHY of things He was doing in my life that I thought I didn't want or need. Everything God does is good, even if we don't know it right then. God is always on time :)
Lead me in your truth and teach me, for You are the God of my salvation; On You I wait all the day. — Psalm 25:5
But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” My times are in Your hand; Delier me from the hand of my enemies, and from those who persecute me. — Psalm 31:14, 15
“And now, Lord, what do I wait for? My hope is in You. Deliver me from all my transgressions; Do not make me the reproach of the foolish. — Psalm 39:7, 8
Truly my soul silently waits for God; From Him comes my salvation. He only is my rock and my salvation; He is my defense; I shall not be greatly moved. — Psalm 62:1, 2
But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary, they shall walk and not faint. — Isaiah 40:31
In the past couple of weeks I have needed a lot of patience. I felt as though the more impatient I was, the more "lessons" in patience I received. After coming across all these verses on waiting on the Lord, I began to grasp that virtue that we all sometimes lack a little better. The title "Quvah" is the hebrew translation of the word wait. But the definition isn't the same as the English, Webster's definition of wait. It can be defined in a lot of ways, but none of which mean just hang around until something happens: "eagerly waits, expect, expected, gathered, hope, hoped, hopefully, wait, hoping, look, look eagerly, looked, wait, waited, waited for you eagerly, waited patiently. To look hopefully in a particular direction. Be alert, watching the events and activities of the Lord and reacting to His timing and direction. Indeed, the word is translated "look" as often as any other term."
When you plug in any of those definitions for the above verses, patience becomes more than just a virtue you need and want when driving down I275 hitting malfunction junction at rush hour. It become more than just something you pray for and ask God to give you in your daily walk.
Quvah- Truly my soul "is hoping eagerly" for God. On you, God, I will HOPE all the day. There's more to it than patiently waiting for something to happen, or not happen. It's knowing that no matter HOW long it takes, you are so trusting in the Lord and HIS timing, impatiently waiting turns into hoping eagerly for what He has next planned and not expecting it at any given time. I say this a lot, but God's timing is impeccable. It's orchestrated perfectly!! When I see His plan on my life take place each day, I'm still amazed at how it works together every time..even when 24 hours prior I was trying to understand the WHY of things He was doing in my life that I thought I didn't want or need. Everything God does is good, even if we don't know it right then. God is always on time :)
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
hearts
Proverbs 4:23
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
"Whatever we let into our hearts will affect our lives. If we allow the principle of the Word to take root in our heart, we become like a tree planted by the stream that in times of drought remains steadfast and does not whither (Psalms 1:3). Allowing principles to be anchored in our hearts prevents us from swinging with the circumstances of life which will cause us instability."
Above all else, guard your heart,
for it is the wellspring of life.
"Whatever we let into our hearts will affect our lives. If we allow the principle of the Word to take root in our heart, we become like a tree planted by the stream that in times of drought remains steadfast and does not whither (Psalms 1:3). Allowing principles to be anchored in our hearts prevents us from swinging with the circumstances of life which will cause us instability."
Saturday, August 14, 2010
Avalanche
SURPRISE!
Ever feel that way? Like when you least expect it, the Lord gives you something you couldn't imagine, surprise! He gives you a friend, maybe a job, or happiness, maybe hope or patience...but whatever it was, you could've sworn that it wouldn't happen in a million years. Well, if you haven't ever felt that way, I sincerely hope it happens to you ASAP. Cause it is AWESOME :)
I know in the next month, my life is going to look a lot different than it does now. I can't wait for what's in store. I'm praying for total independence though. I discovered how much I feed off of fellowship (not saying fellowship is bad, it's a great thing!) and not off of my own individual walk with the Lord. God has used people in my life before to teach me and model how to daily walk with Him. Surprisingly (here's my God surprise:) )they're back in my life to impact it once again. I like when in relationships I can take the back seat, and learn and be led but also when I can work, talk, and listen with someone with one common goal...both of us moving forward. Thank you God for this surprise.
God orchestrates everything SO perfectly. I know I say that all the time. But really, I can't get over how often people come and go in my life and I realize it's that way for a "bigger picture" reason...either for them to grow or for me, for them to learn something, or for me to. When I sit back and soak up everything that has happened, I begin to understand (or attempt to) what the Lord is doing..it gives me the most genuine "chill" feeling. Cause now, I don't have a care in the world (as it should be!), I understand the Lord, yet again, has something amazing up His sleeve :)
Non Preoccuparti, Sii Felice!
Ever feel that way? Like when you least expect it, the Lord gives you something you couldn't imagine, surprise! He gives you a friend, maybe a job, or happiness, maybe hope or patience...but whatever it was, you could've sworn that it wouldn't happen in a million years. Well, if you haven't ever felt that way, I sincerely hope it happens to you ASAP. Cause it is AWESOME :)
I know in the next month, my life is going to look a lot different than it does now. I can't wait for what's in store. I'm praying for total independence though. I discovered how much I feed off of fellowship (not saying fellowship is bad, it's a great thing!) and not off of my own individual walk with the Lord. God has used people in my life before to teach me and model how to daily walk with Him. Surprisingly (here's my God surprise:) )they're back in my life to impact it once again. I like when in relationships I can take the back seat, and learn and be led but also when I can work, talk, and listen with someone with one common goal...both of us moving forward. Thank you God for this surprise.
God orchestrates everything SO perfectly. I know I say that all the time. But really, I can't get over how often people come and go in my life and I realize it's that way for a "bigger picture" reason...either for them to grow or for me, for them to learn something, or for me to. When I sit back and soak up everything that has happened, I begin to understand (or attempt to) what the Lord is doing..it gives me the most genuine "chill" feeling. Cause now, I don't have a care in the world (as it should be!), I understand the Lord, yet again, has something amazing up His sleeve :)
Non Preoccuparti, Sii Felice!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Beautiful and Empty
You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me
Awaiting, set apart like incense to Your heart
A libation I'm pouring out
Empty and beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Your love is a song
Are you so foolish? After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort? Galatians 3:3
Isn't it amazing that it's just that simple? Believe IN the Spirit, and that's all. Believe IN the creator of the Universe. Believe IN the Greatest Sacrifice. And what do we get after living our worthless, human, flesh filled, selfish life? Eternity with the Great I AM, the Alpha and Omega, beginning and end, Elohim and Yahweh. How humbling it is to know the greatest sacrifice was just to save me and you from the world. Even from the things of the world we still choose to live in even AFTER we have received this grace and this gift.
Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31
One, you still move me
Two, Three, you send chills right through me
Four, you keep me wanting more
Five, when I look into your eyes
Six, you're my best friend
Seven, that will never end
Eight, Nine, I don't know why, but thank God it happens every-time
By the time I get to 10, I can see how blessed I've been. I'll choose you all over again.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Dona nobis pacem.
Typically when the same thing, or type of thing happens numerous times, the initial thrill, anxiety, and excitement wears off. The first time you ride Shiekra is nothing like the 15th time you've ridden it. But when it comes to matters, or miracles really, done by the Lord- they never cease to amaze me. And honestly, I can never fully comprehend the complexity behind His simplicity. I can't understand how EASY miracles are for Him.
After a really condensed time of temptation or struggle, I was so relieved by the little things that were perfectly orchestrated into my life. Things that screamed, "Sasha, I am so jealous for YOUR attention, WHY are you wasting your time on these things? My love will never fade, but the things of this earth will leave you completely empty."
Beating myself up and feeling guilty, He got my full attention:
God is being patient with you... He wants all people to change their hearts and lives. 2 Peter 3:9
"To those who embrace Christ as Savior, He has promised a new birth... Does that mean you will instantly be able to resist any temptation? To answer that question compare your new birth in Christ to a new born baby. Can a newborn walk?... No, not yet. But someday he will. It takes time to grow. But is the parent in the delivery room ashamed of the baby? Of course not, they are proud. They know that growth will come with time. So does God."
How can something THAT specific to my life merely be a coincidence? He orchestrates things so incredibly perfect.
He didn't stop there.
He surrounded me with the most welcoming and encouraging believers. He didn't make me a stranger, he gave me a new home. A desire to be a part of something so much more.
I just happened to open my old devotional website I used and what was the topic for today? Doubt Your Doubts.
It was like He was speaking DIRECTLY to me via internet. The main points?
Read the bible consistently.
Turn to God constantly.
Focus on God continually.
Seek out faith-builders persistently.
The verse? Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." If only you knew how much that one means to me. God's got a sense of humor and He understands and relates to us a lot more than we know.
And what else has He thrown at me? A reminder. One I have known and repeated hundreds of times.
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty. Who was, and is, and is to come." Rev 4:8
I know as the week goes on He will continue to add to my list of proven love, care, faith, and miracles.
I screw up, and God is still nothing but GOOD.
After a really condensed time of temptation or struggle, I was so relieved by the little things that were perfectly orchestrated into my life. Things that screamed, "Sasha, I am so jealous for YOUR attention, WHY are you wasting your time on these things? My love will never fade, but the things of this earth will leave you completely empty."
Beating myself up and feeling guilty, He got my full attention:
God is being patient with you... He wants all people to change their hearts and lives. 2 Peter 3:9
"To those who embrace Christ as Savior, He has promised a new birth... Does that mean you will instantly be able to resist any temptation? To answer that question compare your new birth in Christ to a new born baby. Can a newborn walk?... No, not yet. But someday he will. It takes time to grow. But is the parent in the delivery room ashamed of the baby? Of course not, they are proud. They know that growth will come with time. So does God."
How can something THAT specific to my life merely be a coincidence? He orchestrates things so incredibly perfect.
He didn't stop there.
He surrounded me with the most welcoming and encouraging believers. He didn't make me a stranger, he gave me a new home. A desire to be a part of something so much more.
I just happened to open my old devotional website I used and what was the topic for today? Doubt Your Doubts.
It was like He was speaking DIRECTLY to me via internet. The main points?
Read the bible consistently.
Turn to God constantly.
Focus on God continually.
Seek out faith-builders persistently.
The verse? Hebrews 11:1 "Faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." If only you knew how much that one means to me. God's got a sense of humor and He understands and relates to us a lot more than we know.
And what else has He thrown at me? A reminder. One I have known and repeated hundreds of times.
"Holy, holy, holy is the Lord God almighty. Who was, and is, and is to come." Rev 4:8
I know as the week goes on He will continue to add to my list of proven love, care, faith, and miracles.
I screw up, and God is still nothing but GOOD.
Friday, July 9, 2010
Speech Less.
I have had nothing to say.
I'm not sick, I'm not sad.
I've just learned to keep quiet.
I've learned to listen.
I've learned what has meaning;
what I can rely on,
what I can trust in,
who I can call.
My Savior, King, Messiah, Father, Joy and Peace, my Keeper, my Jealous Lord, my everything.
He has my full attention, and though I know I'm human,
I plan to never stray from His Word again.
Where I can run,
when I can't go alone,
and how to let go.
Not because of me, not in the least.
I'm not sick, I'm not sad.
I've just learned to keep quiet.
I've learned to listen.
I've learned what has meaning;
what I can rely on,
what I can trust in,
who I can call.
My Savior, King, Messiah, Father, Joy and Peace, my Keeper, my Jealous Lord, my everything.
He has my full attention, and though I know I'm human,
I plan to never stray from His Word again.
Where I can run,
when I can't go alone,
and how to let go.
Not because of me, not in the least.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Lyrics know my heart better than I do.
All my life my heart’s been stranded.
On my sleeve it has been branded.
I could search the whole world over
and still walk home so empty-handed.
Take the world that I’ve been tossed in,
but leave the eyes that I’ve been lost in
‘cause I believe that they have helped me see
I will never find another like you.
Oh, it’s true.
No matter what I do.
I could search the world until I turn blue,
But baby, what’s the use?
There ain’t no one like you
On my sleeve it has been branded.
I could search the whole world over
and still walk home so empty-handed.
Take the world that I’ve been tossed in,
but leave the eyes that I’ve been lost in
‘cause I believe that they have helped me see
I will never find another like you.
Oh, it’s true.
No matter what I do.
I could search the world until I turn blue,
But baby, what’s the use?
There ain’t no one like you
Sunday, May 30, 2010
I can never run far enough
I mean that literally and figuratively. I can never run far enough to be satisfied that I'm a decent runner. And I certainly can't run as far as to the place where everything just goes away. I've come to hate the real world. It's evil and in most cases lonely and we can never ever out run it.
Tonight I stopped everything though.
I went to my spot. I ran there.
I ran up the stairs..
I got to the top and when I finally finished walking around the edges, I looked out and saw everything.
I lost it.
I had a conversation with God.
I felt like I was the only person alive. It was just me and my thoughts, my tears and my stupid ipod shuffle.
It didn't feel real. Lately, nothing has.
I can never out run anything.
Real or not real.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Just one pulse of Your heart; I'm in love.
I will run.
People like me don't climb Mt. Everest because we feel like it. Not even with motivation and the best training could I climb that mountain. I'm just not able. I'm in Florida and I'm a 5 foot nothing little girl. That mountain is for the experts.
That's exactly the opposite attitude I have when I come to a mountain only God can climb. Instead of taking the "5 foot little girl" position, I play the expert. I act like I have been on this path a million times before and I know exactly what step I should take next. Helpful? No. Do I get anywhere? No, I probably take a wrong path and end up further down the mountain than what I started. So what makes us, ME, do this? Why is it a constant "me" battle. No amount of work I do can save me. Not from a term paper due in 6 hours, not from the worst problems I seem to have with boys, and most certainly not from an eternity in hell. I know I have a God bigger than anything I have ever faced, I KNOW that. Why belittle His power by trying to climb alone?
My mom can make some serious cookies. And say I need 100 of these cookies in 24 hours. Yeah sure I have the recipe, but I also have a mother who loves me SO stinkin much that she'll help me finish all the baking so I'm not on my own. Isn't that a small scale of what Christ does for us? We have His Word, but we do not have the power to be self-sufficient.
I hate being transparent, especially on something that anyone can read, but really..I need the accountability to stop trying to climb these mountains alone. Not even the mountains, just the everyday path. I'm so comfortable doing everything myself, being by myself, everything by me, for me. But I need to break it. I am not a self sufficient being. I never will be. Christ in me, the hope of my glory.
My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you. 2 Corinthians 12:9
In our heads it's great to know we have a "safety net" so to speak for when we are weak, but in reality, in comparison to Christ..aren't we always weak without Him? I'm the weakest, hypocritical, judgmental, depressing person I know. But the Lord holds my heart just the same as if I were a perfect angel. Change happens when we make it happen.
People like me don't climb Mt. Everest because we feel like it. Not even with motivation and the best training could I climb that mountain. I'm just not able. I'm in Florida and I'm a 5 foot nothing little girl. That mountain is for the experts.
That's exactly the opposite attitude I have when I come to a mountain only God can climb. Instead of taking the "5 foot little girl" position, I play the expert. I act like I have been on this path a million times before and I know exactly what step I should take next. Helpful? No. Do I get anywhere? No, I probably take a wrong path and end up further down the mountain than what I started. So what makes us, ME, do this? Why is it a constant "me" battle. No amount of work I do can save me. Not from a term paper due in 6 hours, not from the worst problems I seem to have with boys, and most certainly not from an eternity in hell. I know I have a God bigger than anything I have ever faced, I KNOW that. Why belittle His power by trying to climb alone?
My mom can make some serious cookies. And say I need 100 of these cookies in 24 hours. Yeah sure I have the recipe, but I also have a mother who loves me SO stinkin much that she'll help me finish all the baking so I'm not on my own. Isn't that a small scale of what Christ does for us? We have His Word, but we do not have the power to be self-sufficient.
I hate being transparent, especially on something that anyone can read, but really..I need the accountability to stop trying to climb these mountains alone. Not even the mountains, just the everyday path. I'm so comfortable doing everything myself, being by myself, everything by me, for me. But I need to break it. I am not a self sufficient being. I never will be. Christ in me, the hope of my glory.
My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you. 2 Corinthians 12:9
In our heads it's great to know we have a "safety net" so to speak for when we are weak, but in reality, in comparison to Christ..aren't we always weak without Him? I'm the weakest, hypocritical, judgmental, depressing person I know. But the Lord holds my heart just the same as if I were a perfect angel. Change happens when we make it happen.
Saturday, May 8, 2010
inked.
Yes, I realize you read my blog dad.. But hey, ink or no ink, now you're just informed about things :)
Uhh so this is a really awkward picture, but I just like the butterfly and the colors. Shrunk of course and on my foot-ish? + 2 Corinthians 5:17..maybee.
And this is just a sketch of a butterfly I liked too :)
This oneee is a potential foot one along with the butterfly..idk. The Verse with this one though would be Matthew 16:19.
This is a random rub on tattoo that I lovvveeed. Yes, no? next to it would be the word faith in hebrew.
On the other wrist, same spot, would be a jesus fish and the hebrew word hesed.
they look like this:
אמונה (faith). חֶסֶד (hesed).
If any of this happens...it will happen by julyyyy.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Uhh so this is a really awkward picture, but I just like the butterfly and the colors. Shrunk of course and on my foot-ish? + 2 Corinthians 5:17..maybee.
And this is just a sketch of a butterfly I liked too :)
This oneee is a potential foot one along with the butterfly..idk. The Verse with this one though would be Matthew 16:19.
This is a random rub on tattoo that I lovvveeed. Yes, no? next to it would be the word faith in hebrew.
On the other wrist, same spot, would be a jesus fish and the hebrew word hesed.
they look like this:
אמונה (faith). חֶסֶד (hesed).
If any of this happens...it will happen by julyyyy.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Something like a storybook.
I am a hypocrite, an unruly individual. I'm a sister, a daughter, a tyrant. Discontent in imperfection, satisfied through grace. I'm waiting. I'm failing. I'm going places. I'm a friend to all and a heir to glory. I'm human and unrealistic. I'm in a world I'm not made for. I'm thinking. I'm always a step behind myself. I'm not transparent. I'm not the same. I'm leaving a mark. I'm ready to wait. I'm never prepared for the future. I'm more than in the race. I'm not looking back. I'm not ready to take anything. I'm a doer. I'm praying I change. I'm whole as me. I'm an individual on a search.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Like a boss.
Random list of updates in 3..2..1:
I got accepted as a student OTL!
I'm done with physics forever.
I'm gonna be a loner in my dorm for 2 days.
Moving into Holly F Monday!
Orientation retreat starts monday!
I'm reading Dear John, but not the one by Nicholas Sparks, although I read that one too. This one is pretty good so far!
My room looks empty and sad.
I killed my bamboo plant.
I got my first pair of gladiators yesterday.
I found a really great classical music station via itunes
Tonight should be fun...if I don't work
I'm going to ride Sheikra tomorrow.
Pink team is legit. Too legit to quit.
I'm probably NOT going to lose my scholarships.
I have to move 3 times before the fall. Dumb? I think yes.
I'm saving for some baby tattoos in July. Bible verses/hebrew and such. Thinking about it still though.
I need to work out like righhht now.
I miss ballet.
Wow.
I think I have outgrown the Shawn Johnson/Cindy Lou Who look cause no one has told me I look like them in quite some time.
I'm gonna be working about 7 days a week this summer. HOLLA..?
I loved LCS, I want to teach there.
Mother's day is Sunday, we're making adorable flower pots for my first graders!
Some things are just badd ideas.
They are finally repaving SR60 since prolly 90% of Valrico had cracked windshields. idiooooots.
I'm 19 years, 4 months and 9 days old. Almost my half birthday!
I got accepted as a student OTL!
I'm done with physics forever.
I'm gonna be a loner in my dorm for 2 days.
Moving into Holly F Monday!
Orientation retreat starts monday!
I'm reading Dear John, but not the one by Nicholas Sparks, although I read that one too. This one is pretty good so far!
My room looks empty and sad.
I killed my bamboo plant.
I got my first pair of gladiators yesterday.
I found a really great classical music station via itunes
Tonight should be fun...if I don't work
I'm going to ride Sheikra tomorrow.
Pink team is legit. Too legit to quit.
I'm probably NOT going to lose my scholarships.
I have to move 3 times before the fall. Dumb? I think yes.
I'm saving for some baby tattoos in July. Bible verses/hebrew and such. Thinking about it still though.
I need to work out like righhht now.
I miss ballet.
Wow.
I think I have outgrown the Shawn Johnson/Cindy Lou Who look cause no one has told me I look like them in quite some time.
I'm gonna be working about 7 days a week this summer. HOLLA..?
I loved LCS, I want to teach there.
Mother's day is Sunday, we're making adorable flower pots for my first graders!
Some things are just badd ideas.
They are finally repaving SR60 since prolly 90% of Valrico had cracked windshields. idiooooots.
I'm 19 years, 4 months and 9 days old. Almost my half birthday!
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Sunday, April 18, 2010
U SMILE
First person to figure out where the title came from is my hero ;)
Anywaaays.
Just got huge burst of "whew, I just had a HUMONGOUS weight lifted off my chest" energy.
OFFICIALLY A MATHEMATICS ED MAJOR.
yayyyyyy :)
Minoring in business, religion, or phys ed.
Thanks to everyone who prayed about me making up my mind and all my stress the past week or so.
About 2 weeks left in my engineering courses, still on the verge of the right GPA, but it's looking good.
Next couple weeks though I'll just be studying and taking exams or working. Gonna see about observing classes at LCS, Durant and BSBA :) Starting May 10 You probably won't hear or see me for 3 1/2 months. I'll be working as an OTL at USF like 4-5 days a week. Days off and weekends I'll be working at Wet Seal (unless something changes), and on my vacation time I'm going to be a counselor at children's camp :) Most slam packed summer I will ever experience! So if I ever ask you to hang out...don't say no..it's a big deal. hahha
Anywaaays.
Just got huge burst of "whew, I just had a HUMONGOUS weight lifted off my chest" energy.
OFFICIALLY A MATHEMATICS ED MAJOR.
yayyyyyy :)
Minoring in business, religion, or phys ed.
Thanks to everyone who prayed about me making up my mind and all my stress the past week or so.
About 2 weeks left in my engineering courses, still on the verge of the right GPA, but it's looking good.
Next couple weeks though I'll just be studying and taking exams or working. Gonna see about observing classes at LCS, Durant and BSBA :) Starting May 10 You probably won't hear or see me for 3 1/2 months. I'll be working as an OTL at USF like 4-5 days a week. Days off and weekends I'll be working at Wet Seal (unless something changes), and on my vacation time I'm going to be a counselor at children's camp :) Most slam packed summer I will ever experience! So if I ever ask you to hang out...don't say no..it's a big deal. hahha
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Archived
I found some old blog posts as I was skimming through my old myspace..
two years ago..some things just don't change.
Swim all the way to the bottom
Current mood:Lost
Have you ever felt like you were seriously the meanest person ever? That you couldn't ever say one word right and every thought in your head was so negative, but you just couldn't stop? Even though you care about someone, they just pushed you too far? You can't tell them what you're thinking and you can't stop thinking it? They're making you crazy? They mean a lot to you, but not more than your own sanity? And then those times when you love someone so much, you know the right thing to do is just be happy for them, but not in ounce in your body can be? Have you ever felt like you think you're everything you swore you'd never become? And then you get these feelings for people you never wish you had or never thought you would ever have, and it's not something you can just stop? Maybe not even that, maybe you can't get someone erased from your life. And that phrase, that stupid phrase that says "If you're thinking of them, they're supposed to be there", no! I sincerely know you're not supposed to be there. Have you ever felt like there will never be anyone to pull you out of the water even when there's a crowd of people? Like there's never gonna be that one person to stick up for you even when you make the biggest fool of yourself. And your patience is running ever so thin, you pray to God for them every day. Have you ever felt like your so deep in your own crap that you're never gonna make it out alive? Like every day is "Sucks to be you day" and no one really understands?
I have.
When the shadows seem to become heavy and thick with smoke
You'll give me fresh air to breath
When the pressure of the world begins to be too much for my weak soul
You step in and take my load
When my hands over my ears alone is not enough to drive out the persecution
You show me the scars on your hands and reassure me it's going to be okay
When it seems like all is lost and I never want to see another waking day
You take me by the hand and say, "When have I not been faithful?"
Those times when I get so angry I doubt you
You remind me that You test me because You trust me
The times when I am so disappointed
You show me Your beautiful shining face
When I worry about the future
You remind me it is nothing compared to the day I get to see Your glory
When I cry,
You count every tear
When there's no one looking
I will still praise Your name
two years ago..some things just don't change.
Swim all the way to the bottom
Current mood:Lost
Have you ever felt like you were seriously the meanest person ever? That you couldn't ever say one word right and every thought in your head was so negative, but you just couldn't stop? Even though you care about someone, they just pushed you too far? You can't tell them what you're thinking and you can't stop thinking it? They're making you crazy? They mean a lot to you, but not more than your own sanity? And then those times when you love someone so much, you know the right thing to do is just be happy for them, but not in ounce in your body can be? Have you ever felt like you think you're everything you swore you'd never become? And then you get these feelings for people you never wish you had or never thought you would ever have, and it's not something you can just stop? Maybe not even that, maybe you can't get someone erased from your life. And that phrase, that stupid phrase that says "If you're thinking of them, they're supposed to be there", no! I sincerely know you're not supposed to be there. Have you ever felt like there will never be anyone to pull you out of the water even when there's a crowd of people? Like there's never gonna be that one person to stick up for you even when you make the biggest fool of yourself. And your patience is running ever so thin, you pray to God for them every day. Have you ever felt like your so deep in your own crap that you're never gonna make it out alive? Like every day is "Sucks to be you day" and no one really understands?
I have.
When the shadows seem to become heavy and thick with smoke
You'll give me fresh air to breath
When the pressure of the world begins to be too much for my weak soul
You step in and take my load
When my hands over my ears alone is not enough to drive out the persecution
You show me the scars on your hands and reassure me it's going to be okay
When it seems like all is lost and I never want to see another waking day
You take me by the hand and say, "When have I not been faithful?"
Those times when I get so angry I doubt you
You remind me that You test me because You trust me
The times when I am so disappointed
You show me Your beautiful shining face
When I worry about the future
You remind me it is nothing compared to the day I get to see Your glory
When I cry,
You count every tear
When there's no one looking
I will still praise Your name
This is the window to my heart.
Easy to say since the last time I posted, the most important part of me life was pushed to the back of the proverbial "shelf". I could pretend to be transparent and say things like I was stressed with school, and dropping a class, and potentially losing scholarships, and getting projects in on time and signing a lease and finding a job and any other "justification" I could humanly come up with; but honestly it's not good enough. It's funny how the Lord still works in your life when He probably feels like you've almost completely forgotten about him. That's the amazing thing about my Savior.
"I do the sinning. He does the saving." I never have to ask Him to stay with me..He just does. Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Ephesians 3:19
I feel like I keep having to apologize for the way I am. For being human and making incredible errors, or at least feeling that way.
I know it makes no difference to the Lord, that I'm completely covered by His blood. But wouldn't it be lovely to KNOW you're life is just a love song to the Lord?
On a more personal update..
I'm not going to be pursuing engineering after this semester. It's crazy that the people who love me the most, are disappointed by that and when I tell them the other thing I feel led to..the first rebuttal is money, salary. The people who LOVE me the most think I'm pursuing a degree for money, for me, for selfish reasons, and for them. But I'm not. Not anymore at least. Pursuing my calling, not my potential. Luke 6:38. I discovered pretty quickly, that no matter how much money you know you'll make in 4 years with a degree in Computer Science, the unhappiness and absolute lack of motivation is not worth it; and a definite sign that my decision was MY decision...not the Lord's calling.
So..Now what?
I don't know.
The one thing I never wanted to do because it felt like I wasn't really achieving anything, like I was taking the easy way out, is now what I will probably end up pursuing. Lord willing. I love children. I love math. and frankly, I like telling people what to do. So whether I'm a math teacher, or an elementary teacher, or a scoffed-by-all-engineers business major, it'll be what the Lord has called me to do. So WHAT if I won't ever be able to provide for myself like I've always been used to. So WHAT if I don't make a ton of money like I could at NASA or something. I can't take any of it with me, so for all that counts, I'm not gonna mess it up. Again.
Other than that...
I'm working at Wet Seal 3-4 days a week
I'm done with school April 30, then I have a week of exams.
I move into my summer apartment for Orientation on May 10. Orientation madness starts almost immediately after.
Starting sometime next month..I'll only be available Wednesdays and Sat/Sun. And on those days I'll prolly be working at Wet Seal. Hello Summer?
This blog isn't going anywhere else.
So goodbye.
"I do the sinning. He does the saving." I never have to ask Him to stay with me..He just does. Christ's love is greater than anyone can ever know, but I pray that you will be able to know that love. Ephesians 3:19
I feel like I keep having to apologize for the way I am. For being human and making incredible errors, or at least feeling that way.
I know it makes no difference to the Lord, that I'm completely covered by His blood. But wouldn't it be lovely to KNOW you're life is just a love song to the Lord?
On a more personal update..
I'm not going to be pursuing engineering after this semester. It's crazy that the people who love me the most, are disappointed by that and when I tell them the other thing I feel led to..the first rebuttal is money, salary. The people who LOVE me the most think I'm pursuing a degree for money, for me, for selfish reasons, and for them. But I'm not. Not anymore at least. Pursuing my calling, not my potential. Luke 6:38. I discovered pretty quickly, that no matter how much money you know you'll make in 4 years with a degree in Computer Science, the unhappiness and absolute lack of motivation is not worth it; and a definite sign that my decision was MY decision...not the Lord's calling.
So..Now what?
I don't know.
The one thing I never wanted to do because it felt like I wasn't really achieving anything, like I was taking the easy way out, is now what I will probably end up pursuing. Lord willing. I love children. I love math. and frankly, I like telling people what to do. So whether I'm a math teacher, or an elementary teacher, or a scoffed-by-all-engineers business major, it'll be what the Lord has called me to do. So WHAT if I won't ever be able to provide for myself like I've always been used to. So WHAT if I don't make a ton of money like I could at NASA or something. I can't take any of it with me, so for all that counts, I'm not gonna mess it up. Again.
Other than that...
I'm working at Wet Seal 3-4 days a week
I'm done with school April 30, then I have a week of exams.
I move into my summer apartment for Orientation on May 10. Orientation madness starts almost immediately after.
Starting sometime next month..I'll only be available Wednesdays and Sat/Sun. And on those days I'll prolly be working at Wet Seal. Hello Summer?
This blog isn't going anywhere else.
So goodbye.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Fried green tomatoes
Friends that tell you, "An F for FAITHFULNESS is an A+ in God's eyes", are the kind you should keep around.
I made an awesome formula sheet.
I reviewed.
I paid attention in class.
I did what I knew.
I failed.
Jesus still loves me.
And He's gonna get me through these last few weeks of classes keeping my GPA above a 3.0.
Engineering is not for me. I want it to be. It just isn't.
Saying that is like a billion pounds being lifted off my face. hah
Still need to finish this semester A's and B's. It's rough. bleh.
I made an awesome formula sheet.
I reviewed.
I paid attention in class.
I did what I knew.
I failed.
Jesus still loves me.
And He's gonna get me through these last few weeks of classes keeping my GPA above a 3.0.
Engineering is not for me. I want it to be. It just isn't.
Saying that is like a billion pounds being lifted off my face. hah
Still need to finish this semester A's and B's. It's rough. bleh.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Lunar
Remembering that I'll be dead soon is the most important tool I've ever encountered to help me make the big choices in life. Because almost everything — all external expectations, all pride, all fear of embarrassment or failure - these things just fall away in the face of death, leaving only what is truly important. Remembering that you are going to die is the best way I know to avoid the trap of thinking you have something to lose. You are already naked. There is no reason not to follow your heart.
— Steve Jobs
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
— Albert Einstein
To believe in something, and not live it, is dishonest.
— Mohandas Gandhi
— Steve Jobs
Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind.
— Albert Einstein
To believe in something, and not live it, is dishonest.
— Mohandas Gandhi
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Lots of firsts tonight..
Story time.
8:00 pm- Pick Kyla and Chelsea up and head to the tree! Yay!
8:05pm- Oh! I'm not forgetting to take that new way to church tonight, you know the short cut through Livingstone? I remembered this week. Shortcut ftw.
8:20pm- Okay we have been on this road way to stinking long this is SO not right. It's shorter not longer, what the heck?!
8:25pm- Turning around.
8:30pm- Back to where I started pretty much. Officially gonna be late to the Tree. BOOOO!
8:38pm-Ahh okay back on track, we're prolly only gonna be 15 minutes late. It's all good, we'll still make it tonight, SO close!!
8:40pm- Oh, what pretty blue and red lights.
8:41pm- License and registration please.
8:43pm- Yeah, maam this is expired. (Meanwhile I'm still searching for my Insurance cause idk where I keep it...I've never been pulled over!..)
8:45pm- Found it!! Where'd the officer go? (Chelsea is still on the phone with my mom, who I had her call cause I didn't know where anything was at...in my own car ha. Needless to say, my mom flipped out exponentially worse than I did. I'm kind of amazed how cool I stayed even frantically looking for my stuff...that was all Jesus!
8:50pm- Is he coming back? What the heck!?
8:55pm- ...what is he doing?! I'm not getting out of my car, I'd be like one of those episodes on C.O.P.S where they tase the retard who didn't "remain inside the vehicle". D00d hurry up. I'm tryna get to church!
9:00pm- Takes my real license and registration.
9:05pm- Officer says- okay I'm just gonna let you off with a warning. Slow down.
9:07pm- What do I do now? Do I wait for him to give me something? Can I leave? What do I do!?
9:10pm- Oh, okay he's leaving. We're good.
9:11pm- Guess that means no tree. Bummer.
Moral of the story?
Giving up my speed demon tendencies.
8:00 pm- Pick Kyla and Chelsea up and head to the tree! Yay!
8:05pm- Oh! I'm not forgetting to take that new way to church tonight, you know the short cut through Livingstone? I remembered this week. Shortcut ftw.
8:20pm- Okay we have been on this road way to stinking long this is SO not right. It's shorter not longer, what the heck?!
8:25pm- Turning around.
8:30pm- Back to where I started pretty much. Officially gonna be late to the Tree. BOOOO!
8:38pm-Ahh okay back on track, we're prolly only gonna be 15 minutes late. It's all good, we'll still make it tonight, SO close!!
8:40pm- Oh, what pretty blue and red lights.
8:41pm- License and registration please.
8:43pm- Yeah, maam this is expired. (Meanwhile I'm still searching for my Insurance cause idk where I keep it...I've never been pulled over!..)
8:45pm- Found it!! Where'd the officer go? (Chelsea is still on the phone with my mom, who I had her call cause I didn't know where anything was at...in my own car ha. Needless to say, my mom flipped out exponentially worse than I did. I'm kind of amazed how cool I stayed even frantically looking for my stuff...that was all Jesus!
8:50pm- Is he coming back? What the heck!?
8:55pm- ...what is he doing?! I'm not getting out of my car, I'd be like one of those episodes on C.O.P.S where they tase the retard who didn't "remain inside the vehicle". D00d hurry up. I'm tryna get to church!
9:00pm- Takes my real license and registration.
9:05pm- Officer says- okay I'm just gonna let you off with a warning. Slow down.
9:07pm- What do I do now? Do I wait for him to give me something? Can I leave? What do I do!?
9:10pm- Oh, okay he's leaving. We're good.
9:11pm- Guess that means no tree. Bummer.
Moral of the story?
Giving up my speed demon tendencies.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Haunting.
Got this in an email today from one of my leaders. I'm not putting my two cents into anyone's head. I think you can make something of the statement on your own.
It's a wake up call.
Stop pushing snooze
...Be His hands and feet.
“Josh McDowell said that if kids don't come to know Christ by the age of twelve they probably won't. (No pressure for those of us who work in Children's Ministry :)) Statistically speaking, the number of kids coming to salvation between
the ages of 12-18 has dropped from 36% to 4%. The reason he gave for this is that kids are being bombarded with information. This bombarding is causing skepticism rather than certainty when it comes to their faith.”
It's a wake up call.
Stop pushing snooze
...Be His hands and feet.
“Josh McDowell said that if kids don't come to know Christ by the age of twelve they probably won't. (No pressure for those of us who work in Children's Ministry :)) Statistically speaking, the number of kids coming to salvation between
the ages of 12-18 has dropped from 36% to 4%. The reason he gave for this is that kids are being bombarded with information. This bombarding is causing skepticism rather than certainty when it comes to their faith.”
Monday, March 8, 2010
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Make up your mind
It's gonna sound like there is absolutely no relevance in the things i write on this post, but it makes sense for me. So just be confused..
There are times when I feel like some people were created to make me smile, some to push me, and even a few to drive me absolutely crazy. Sometimes one person encapsulates all three. That's when I find it easy to let go. To forget everything anyone ever told me about how not to be naive, and let go. And that's okay. But not when I'm made to feel like that wasn't enough. That me completely letting go just wasn't good enough. What hoop did I miss? What line did I cross? Can you make up your mind instead of letting my mind go crazy wondering what's going on in your head? Please.
I think I have some kind of sign on my forehead that says, "Make her happy, then confuse the hell out of her and don't give her a reason!" Seriously. I'm at the point of not having a care or worry in the world, yet at the same time worrying my fool head off. I am so afraid of failure I literally shut down and shut everything out. Make it stop.
Oh and am I really not worth being told the honest truth? Is it that difficult to face the facts or is it just easier to be in total denial. I think it's cowardly and I think it's the lowest blow anyone could give to someone. Not being worth the truth. Lied to.
Why are we taught to believe that other people' happiness comes before honesty? Frankly, how can I be happy in the situation if I have no idea what's going on. But keep on keepin things from me and I'll be happy as a peach, right? NOPE. Even if it's the worst thing in the world, and you think it's gonna break me. I'll think so much higher of you if you have the morals to be honest. The honesty will stick by your name in my book. But if I have to find out another way, that makes me pretty bitter, and disappointed.
I sound like a complaining-diva-brat-jerk-spoiled-high maintenance-terd.
But sometimes, I need to.
BTW, Captivated by Stefani Germanotta (aka Lady Gaga) is wonderful.
There are times when I feel like some people were created to make me smile, some to push me, and even a few to drive me absolutely crazy. Sometimes one person encapsulates all three. That's when I find it easy to let go. To forget everything anyone ever told me about how not to be naive, and let go. And that's okay. But not when I'm made to feel like that wasn't enough. That me completely letting go just wasn't good enough. What hoop did I miss? What line did I cross? Can you make up your mind instead of letting my mind go crazy wondering what's going on in your head? Please.
I think I have some kind of sign on my forehead that says, "Make her happy, then confuse the hell out of her and don't give her a reason!" Seriously. I'm at the point of not having a care or worry in the world, yet at the same time worrying my fool head off. I am so afraid of failure I literally shut down and shut everything out. Make it stop.
Oh and am I really not worth being told the honest truth? Is it that difficult to face the facts or is it just easier to be in total denial. I think it's cowardly and I think it's the lowest blow anyone could give to someone. Not being worth the truth. Lied to.
Why are we taught to believe that other people' happiness comes before honesty? Frankly, how can I be happy in the situation if I have no idea what's going on. But keep on keepin things from me and I'll be happy as a peach, right? NOPE. Even if it's the worst thing in the world, and you think it's gonna break me. I'll think so much higher of you if you have the morals to be honest. The honesty will stick by your name in my book. But if I have to find out another way, that makes me pretty bitter, and disappointed.
I sound like a complaining-diva-brat-jerk-spoiled-high maintenance-terd.
But sometimes, I need to.
BTW, Captivated by Stefani Germanotta (aka Lady Gaga) is wonderful.
Monday, March 1, 2010
I fell over my feet, like bricks under water.
My daily verse for today was so stinkin awesome.
I Corinthians 2:9
No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.
After experiencing some interesting weeks recently, this verse is so refreshing. To me, it's like...Sasha, Ima let you finish dreaming, but God has the BEST plan ever for your life. Haha, but really! God is clearly telling us He has the most beautiful and unimaginable life planned for us. That we should not waste our time trying to pick it apart and figure it all out. No matter how good we think we are at seeing our future, we stink at it in comparison to the Lord. In my quest to ultimate submission to the Lord, handing every part of my life, miniscule and major, over to Him I think this verse is encouraging rather than making my imagination seem inferior (which it technically is..). It makes me worry a heck of a lot less, even if just for a moment- until I let my my mind wander to other things like my Calc grade or why I'm not friends with this or that person anymore etc..
When the Lord holds your future, know that it's more than anything you could ever dream of. He has plans that will push you to your limit and rewards that will make you even more thankful for His amazing mercy and love.
Aaahh and that's good news.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
I Corinthians 2:9
No one has ever imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.
After experiencing some interesting weeks recently, this verse is so refreshing. To me, it's like...Sasha, Ima let you finish dreaming, but God has the BEST plan ever for your life. Haha, but really! God is clearly telling us He has the most beautiful and unimaginable life planned for us. That we should not waste our time trying to pick it apart and figure it all out. No matter how good we think we are at seeing our future, we stink at it in comparison to the Lord. In my quest to ultimate submission to the Lord, handing every part of my life, miniscule and major, over to Him I think this verse is encouraging rather than making my imagination seem inferior (which it technically is..). It makes me worry a heck of a lot less, even if just for a moment- until I let my my mind wander to other things like my Calc grade or why I'm not friends with this or that person anymore etc..
When the Lord holds your future, know that it's more than anything you could ever dream of. He has plans that will push you to your limit and rewards that will make you even more thankful for His amazing mercy and love.
Aaahh and that's good news.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Just so you know
The past 2 weeks have felt like a long "out of body" experience. I'm not sure if you can relate to that, or if you'd want to really. I don't know how everything just starts to turn into a blur and get all mixed up and before I know it I'm the most introverted person I know. Sometimes I think that I messed up, I failed, just at life itself. Is that possible? Can I really screw up at calculus, or being a sister and a daughter, or at relationships and friendships, and physics and writing papers- can I seriously screw that up? Does it really matter? Noooooope. It's of this world, so it can't matter! That's a really flipping hard pill to swallow, right up there with pride.
Anyways, these past 2 weeks right? The Lord is showing me some amazing stuff. Looking back to just a month ago, I know He has big plans for this year and He is going to use me, but He's makin some changes for sure. School still blows, and I still suck at school, I do. But! He's getting me through it all and giving me the tools to keep me sane for a few more months. As for being a mega introvert for 2 weeks.. I'm not sure I know why that happened, I think I just created this huge web of stuff to take on and it basically got insanely tangled and I just shut down. I didn't do anything- I mean that literally. I haven't been to spin class in 2 weeks, I haven't been to Cru or The Tree, I haven't hung out with anyone, nadaaa! Lamesauce?! Yeah, but I needed it. I needed to figure out what the heck I was doing and WHY the heck I wasn't letting God do it.
Now that that stage is over and I'm moving on to the next scene in my life, I can tell you, those 2 weeks were well worth it. I would do it again for how the Lord has blessed my walk and given me the encouragement through random and unexpected experiences.
So if you were one of the people I completely blew off recently, there's your answer. I'm sorry. I'm human and I needed to recharge. If you were one of the people who recognized this and said something, thank you for your words and just being a friend when I suck at life.
Hope I didn't kill any brain cells right now or make you waste 2.467 minutes of your life by reading this :)
Anyways, these past 2 weeks right? The Lord is showing me some amazing stuff. Looking back to just a month ago, I know He has big plans for this year and He is going to use me, but He's makin some changes for sure. School still blows, and I still suck at school, I do. But! He's getting me through it all and giving me the tools to keep me sane for a few more months. As for being a mega introvert for 2 weeks.. I'm not sure I know why that happened, I think I just created this huge web of stuff to take on and it basically got insanely tangled and I just shut down. I didn't do anything- I mean that literally. I haven't been to spin class in 2 weeks, I haven't been to Cru or The Tree, I haven't hung out with anyone, nadaaa! Lamesauce?! Yeah, but I needed it. I needed to figure out what the heck I was doing and WHY the heck I wasn't letting God do it.
Now that that stage is over and I'm moving on to the next scene in my life, I can tell you, those 2 weeks were well worth it. I would do it again for how the Lord has blessed my walk and given me the encouragement through random and unexpected experiences.
So if you were one of the people I completely blew off recently, there's your answer. I'm sorry. I'm human and I needed to recharge. If you were one of the people who recognized this and said something, thank you for your words and just being a friend when I suck at life.
Hope I didn't kill any brain cells right now or make you waste 2.467 minutes of your life by reading this :)
Sunday, February 21, 2010
n00b
I decided to make a video instead of type tonight. These quotes from Andrew Murray and the scripture in Matthew 7 have been such an answer in my time of seeking for answers. I know I can't see the whole stinkin plan He as for my life, so learning to be obedient is so crucial to my walk with Him and unfolding His plan.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
(Let me know if the video doesn't work haha)
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
(Let me know if the video doesn't work haha)
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
Shh..
These are just a bunch of random postsecret cards I liked or images I found over time..Thought I would share all my faves! :)
Friday, February 12, 2010
"To the love-starved.."
"..a word of affection can be a feast."
Oh it is so true.
Sometimes even less than a word- maybe a glance or a smile. I am wired as a human to find and feed on affection. If I don't have it, I feel less and less whole. Like a part of me is wrong. I mean, it has to be since no one is acknowledging me right? Of course that's wrong. The LORD gives us more love and acknowledgement than we could ever fathom. It over flows. It never ends. We're just too selfish and caught up in the junk of the world and ourselves. We can't see past the fact that some girl won over the affection of a guy you wanted, vice versa. SO WHAT. Not only do we know that life goes on, but that human affection is temporary. It fades, it fails, and clearly sometimes it is MIA. However, it doesn't exactly make you feel warm and cuddly about being a loner, right? If we turn our eyes to the King and let HIm wrap his arms around us, missing human affection won't phase us. His arms reach farther. We are never alone and the more we surrender these selfish desires of wanting to be "noticed", the more we will realize how perfectly noticed we already are.
Isaiah 41:10
Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness
Matthew 28:20
teaching them to observe all things that I commanded you. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.
Oh it is so true.
Sometimes even less than a word- maybe a glance or a smile. I am wired as a human to find and feed on affection. If I don't have it, I feel less and less whole. Like a part of me is wrong. I mean, it has to be since no one is acknowledging me right? Of course that's wrong. The LORD gives us more love and acknowledgement than we could ever fathom. It over flows. It never ends. We're just too selfish and caught up in the junk of the world and ourselves. We can't see past the fact that some girl won over the affection of a guy you wanted, vice versa. SO WHAT. Not only do we know that life goes on, but that human affection is temporary. It fades, it fails, and clearly sometimes it is MIA. However, it doesn't exactly make you feel warm and cuddly about being a loner, right? If we turn our eyes to the King and let HIm wrap his arms around us, missing human affection won't phase us. His arms reach farther. We are never alone and the more we surrender these selfish desires of wanting to be "noticed", the more we will realize how perfectly noticed we already are.
Isaiah 41:10
Don’t you be afraid, for I am with you. Don’t be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. Yes, I will help you. Yes, I will uphold you with the right hand of my righteousness
Matthew 28:20
teaching them to observe all things that I commanded you. Behold, I am with you always, even to the end of the age.” Amen.
Monday, February 8, 2010
Letter #6
Not quite sure how to start this one, which is strange because I always knew the words to say when I put the pen to the paper. I check my mailbox at least 5 times a day now. I'm not expecting anything at all. I'm just holding on to the hope that it will come. Waiting is such a horrible feeling. It's like the awkward in between of point A and point B. Waiting can make your most perfect response seem less and less perfect after every day and week that passes. "What did you do wrong? Did you really do anything wrong?" I feel like I have nothing to say, but every question in the world to ask you. I know you better than this, I thought I did. You can't pretend that well, not for so long. Is this all I deserve? You were so much more than what you're showing me now. A mentor. A best friend. Someone who could cheer me up no matter what. You made me believe again. You wouldn't have ever made me cry. This can't be you, there has to be a reason. Tell me what happened. You changed my life and you can never take that fact back. Just give me a reason so I can get you out of the back of my mind. It's making me a mess. Pretty sure I miss you.
-Sasha
P.S. Don't forget that miracle..Psalm 91:2
-Sasha
P.S. Don't forget that miracle..Psalm 91:2
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
