892 Reasons Why Beating Yourself Up is Pointless:

Enjoy you one random reader of this blog!

Not really 892, but I am feeling a bit frustrated as the week is coming to a close and wanted to talk about... dun da na nuhhh: failures.

Super!

It happens. (A LOOOOOT, in my book) and there's got to be a better way to handle them then the way I do, but trust me I'm working on it.

Okay, cut to the chase, here's what's up.

There are just a few things in my life that I will allow to get me down, angry, frustrated to the point of using french language, and occasionally even cry- but not in front of anyone, okay!

Those things would be: (I'm being really humble and vulnerable right now.. enemies feel free to jot down my weaknesses)

1. Not making a superior happy, doing my job wrong, some how failing someone who has given me responsibility etc etc.

Dude, when I eff up at work or let someone down (which is pretty rare) I feel like absolute caca. I beat myself up and try to fix everything. I do better than normal to try to make up for my mistake. It eats me alive if I mess up in that scenario. I wear it like a chain around my ankle literally until I have verbal recognition that it's okay.

Why do I do this?!
I know that I have all the recognition I need in Christ. I KNOW THIS! Why the crap does human error bog me down so much? Hmmph. Uhh cause I'm human. Bingo.
As a perfectionist, if and when I mess up, it's a big deal. Don't ever underestimate the thought I put in to things. I really do think way too much. I over analyze everything and always think that I could have done more. Could have tried harder, and at the end of the day with that mindset, I never win. It's rough.

"Sasha, just stop caring about what other people think. Problem solved!"

NO, no, no. To all you folks who are like "yeah, I just do me, I don't give a frank what people think." BUUUULLL CRAP! We all care! If we didn't, you'd probably have either a zillion friends or no friends. We do things everyday because somewhere down the road somebody influenced us to do it that way or we just wanted to impress them. If we didn't care, we wouldn't ask what looks good, how we should cut our hair, where we should live, what they picture us doing in the future, who they picture us with, blah blah blah. YOU FREAKING CARE. Stop trying to be a badass, and just realize you're human and you have feelings and you care.

There's nothing wrong with that. (Should you do everything everyone tells you to? No, but the point is, in some way, shape or form, others' opinions matter to us)

Sorry, sorry. Off the soap box.

2. Physically. This is a BIGG'N. Shucks, man. I have no idea what, how, or why my friggen little brain is wired to get so amped up when I am in a gym, lifting, running, swimming, anything physical and anything competitive (..orrrr that I can make a competition to in my own brain).

This one gets me the most, and the hardest.

Men and women alike can feel me on this.

Ladies: Striving to look better than her, life more, run faster, look better while doing it, eat cleaner, have better form, have an awesome outfit...I could go on and on.

Gentleman: Be stronger, run faster, push harder, better endurance, better game, more versatile, get bigger, blah blah blah.

A. When I have an off night at the gym. I GO NUTS. Anything from hitting, punching and throwing things (Noooo, not in public!) to crying like a little girl who just fell off her bike. Man it gets me! There's this little dude in there, inside of me, that is NOT friendly, and he tells me that I failed. Not only did I fail on the board, I failed myself, I failed my coach, I failed and let that other girl beat me on and on it goes. Failure, failure, failure. He's screaming it real loud right now. The worst part? There is no fix. I can't just make up and get verbal recognition and not have failed now.

Optimists who are reading this are probably cringing, "Put in the work to not fail next time!" Awesome thanks! That made everything better! Why didn't I think of that!? You do realize that there will always be some one faster, stronger, and that there will always be a day that i straight up suck? Annnnd that I am a little bit of a pessimist. I work hard, not jsut because I wanna be better than barbell barbie, but because I care and am passionate about it. I can't just easily let it go, I wish I could.. but then my drive would almost be nonexistent, I think.

Ideally, I would love to hit a sucky day hard in the face and then turn around and say, "Wth, gonna hit it hard tomorrow, new day". I'm getting there.

But, right now, I am in the defeated mode. I think this back and forth of success and failure and trying and losing and winning has made me the individual I am. I'm a little strong willed ..ok a lot. And this is how I get stuff done I guess :)

Picket Fences.

Daydream 101:

He's got Ruthie's hand and she has Jude's. She refused to coordinate them all, way too cliche. But Easter attire nonetheless. He's got slacks and a nice pastel button down on. Ruthie and Jude are in crazy colors and prints, like living Easter eggs. She's wearing a simple dress, but killer heels. They drop the twins off at Sunday school and walk to their usual seats for service. Family is in town, so they saved a few extra spots. Everyone arrives and hugs are exchanged. Lunch follows service at their house. The whole backyard is decorated and set up for all the guests. The kids play on the trampoline and blow bubbles. Grown ups sit on the porch after lunch and sip sweet tea. Laughter and stories fill the house and yard. When everyone heads home, Jude wraps himself around his mother's leg, "happy easter mommy!". Ruthie and daddy come soaring into the room and he kisses mommy on the cheek, "Yeah, happy easter mommy!".

Close curtain, end daydream.


There are so many days when I want to fast forward to this life. And then there's days when I am soooo disgusted by it and want nothing to do with it. I don't ever want to find contentment in the American dream. Ever. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, it's fun. Yes, it's full of great relationships, opportunities, family, jobs, travel and a number of other things. But the American dream is not what Sasha Rihana Arms was created for. I was created for so so so SO much stinkin more than a white picket fence and a precious little family. Can I desire these things? Certainly. Should I let these desires be my motivation in life? Negative.

For those of you who don't have a relationship with our Creator, this may just sound nuts. And I pray that some day you'll understand and desire this in your own life. For those of you who do, keep me, and every other brother and sister accountable. We need reminders that the picket fence IS NOT all there is. We have commandments to live up to as disciples. Simple commandments that we daily forget. That I absolutely daily forget. What's my purpose? Why am I here? Oh yeah.. TO KNOW GOD AND MAKE HIM KNOWN.

duh, Sasha.

I'm not here for anything else.

Once we become so engulfed in this world, I find it millions harder to remember that this is my sole purpose of being. It's so frustrating to know that I can live a "good life" and be a "good person" and COMPLETELY, continue to miss why I am here. A good person doesn't necessarily make God known. But someone who makes God known is good. Right? Someone who loves God and others. Who is kingdom minded at all times. Check my theology on that one.. But it makes sense in my brain.

I'm not worthy of being called a good person. Not in the least.

Anywho.. just jotting some thoughts down.

:)