892 Reasons Why Beating Yourself Up is Pointless:

Enjoy you one random reader of this blog!

Not really 892, but I am feeling a bit frustrated as the week is coming to a close and wanted to talk about... dun da na nuhhh: failures.

Super!

It happens. (A LOOOOOT, in my book) and there's got to be a better way to handle them then the way I do, but trust me I'm working on it.

Okay, cut to the chase, here's what's up.

There are just a few things in my life that I will allow to get me down, angry, frustrated to the point of using french language, and occasionally even cry- but not in front of anyone, okay!

Those things would be: (I'm being really humble and vulnerable right now.. enemies feel free to jot down my weaknesses)

1. Not making a superior happy, doing my job wrong, some how failing someone who has given me responsibility etc etc.

Dude, when I eff up at work or let someone down (which is pretty rare) I feel like absolute caca. I beat myself up and try to fix everything. I do better than normal to try to make up for my mistake. It eats me alive if I mess up in that scenario. I wear it like a chain around my ankle literally until I have verbal recognition that it's okay.

Why do I do this?!
I know that I have all the recognition I need in Christ. I KNOW THIS! Why the crap does human error bog me down so much? Hmmph. Uhh cause I'm human. Bingo.
As a perfectionist, if and when I mess up, it's a big deal. Don't ever underestimate the thought I put in to things. I really do think way too much. I over analyze everything and always think that I could have done more. Could have tried harder, and at the end of the day with that mindset, I never win. It's rough.

"Sasha, just stop caring about what other people think. Problem solved!"

NO, no, no. To all you folks who are like "yeah, I just do me, I don't give a frank what people think." BUUUULLL CRAP! We all care! If we didn't, you'd probably have either a zillion friends or no friends. We do things everyday because somewhere down the road somebody influenced us to do it that way or we just wanted to impress them. If we didn't care, we wouldn't ask what looks good, how we should cut our hair, where we should live, what they picture us doing in the future, who they picture us with, blah blah blah. YOU FREAKING CARE. Stop trying to be a badass, and just realize you're human and you have feelings and you care.

There's nothing wrong with that. (Should you do everything everyone tells you to? No, but the point is, in some way, shape or form, others' opinions matter to us)

Sorry, sorry. Off the soap box.

2. Physically. This is a BIGG'N. Shucks, man. I have no idea what, how, or why my friggen little brain is wired to get so amped up when I am in a gym, lifting, running, swimming, anything physical and anything competitive (..orrrr that I can make a competition to in my own brain).

This one gets me the most, and the hardest.

Men and women alike can feel me on this.

Ladies: Striving to look better than her, life more, run faster, look better while doing it, eat cleaner, have better form, have an awesome outfit...I could go on and on.

Gentleman: Be stronger, run faster, push harder, better endurance, better game, more versatile, get bigger, blah blah blah.

A. When I have an off night at the gym. I GO NUTS. Anything from hitting, punching and throwing things (Noooo, not in public!) to crying like a little girl who just fell off her bike. Man it gets me! There's this little dude in there, inside of me, that is NOT friendly, and he tells me that I failed. Not only did I fail on the board, I failed myself, I failed my coach, I failed and let that other girl beat me on and on it goes. Failure, failure, failure. He's screaming it real loud right now. The worst part? There is no fix. I can't just make up and get verbal recognition and not have failed now.

Optimists who are reading this are probably cringing, "Put in the work to not fail next time!" Awesome thanks! That made everything better! Why didn't I think of that!? You do realize that there will always be some one faster, stronger, and that there will always be a day that i straight up suck? Annnnd that I am a little bit of a pessimist. I work hard, not jsut because I wanna be better than barbell barbie, but because I care and am passionate about it. I can't just easily let it go, I wish I could.. but then my drive would almost be nonexistent, I think.

Ideally, I would love to hit a sucky day hard in the face and then turn around and say, "Wth, gonna hit it hard tomorrow, new day". I'm getting there.

But, right now, I am in the defeated mode. I think this back and forth of success and failure and trying and losing and winning has made me the individual I am. I'm a little strong willed ..ok a lot. And this is how I get stuff done I guess :)