How bad do you want it?

I've been 100% successful in creating partial blogs lately. And in turn, not posting anything. I just haven't really had much to say lately (Say what?!). I would actually REALLY love for people to just "know" what's going on and overwhelm me with incredibly much too personal and prying conversations. Similar to the the transparency of my posts. But I still wait for everyone to jump aboard THAT train. :) haha.

So instead, I'm gonna write a catch up blog like I used to when I first moved away from Tampa.
This is more for me than you, soooo go ahead and open pinterest, try to find the best recipe for Cinnamon Roll Pancakes... and thank me later.

It is December 20 already. I can't believe I have been down here in Boca Raton for almost four months. That's a milestone for my nomadic self. And I plan to be here until the first month of June, in case you were wondering.
And then what Sash?
Well, I am certainly glad ya asked.
There's quite a few scenarios popping through my head, the usual ya know. I'll get the wildcard out of the way: Attend Portland State University for my undergrad in kinesiology. Yup. Why NOT? No reason not to. I'm 21, got a whole lot of years to make worse decisions than going back to school somewhere FAR far away.

Okay, normal plan for after Boca? This might be considered my dream plan, the one that I know won't happen, but I would love for everything to just "happen" this way. Get accepted to TSU or UT. Move in with Katie and Danielle in a house in Austin, TX. Work at lululemon, get my kines degree, coach kids crossfit again at CSC Crossfit and be around the greatest people I have ever met thus far. Oh and maybe get my dog back? haha

Reality plan? Booooo. Here goes:
Apply to schools in Florida, Texas, and a couple of other places (like Portland and Boston). Also apply to lululemons in those places.
Wait.
Wait.
Pray.
Wait.
Pray.
Get acceptance letters.
Pray.
Pray.
*#?!
Pray.
Decide.

And that's kind how she goes. I mean, shoot, if some prince charming comes along and decides he wants to REALLY change my path of destruction errrr I mean adventure, then so be it. But, right now.. I'm not in that season. I am as simple as I'm gonna be and I don't want anything to change or sway my simplicity for a little while. Let me be clearer, it would be silly to move somewhere for something that could only be for a season and leave me in some place I yet again want to leave. Gentlemen, I am open to the idea, but it will take an army to tame this world traveler. Sorry :)


As much as I know, and lots of people who have seen my pure happiness there, know the place where I feel most at home... But, I want this degree and to live a life God intended me to live and I'm at the point where I will sacrifice certain comforts to get there. Am I maybe praying for Austin? Sure. But I know He took me from there, so maybe it's over. I have to realize that. But I also know that the "dessert" I am experiencing now here in soflo is NOT what He has planned for the rest of my life. I serve a God who delivers. He's brought me to a lot of places and maybe a new one is on the way.
I'm scared to go somewhere new AGAIN, because I know what it entails. And mercy, it's not easy. But this is what I want, after 2 years of getting here, I am certain school and pursuing my dream of training athletes is where God wants me now. I'm just not sure where He'll drop me on the map.

Friends, be in prayer (especially if ya want me to live close to ya ;) ) that I would be able to discern between open doors and God given opportunities. I can look anywhere and find an open door, but there may only be one opportunity appointed by God. I am trusting I will seek HIM to get there and pursue it.

Soooo did ya find the pancakes? ;)

Good Word(s)

"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year..." 



"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive. 
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it. 
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human. 
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy. 
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence. 
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children. 
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back. 
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away. 
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments." 
— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

Forever and ever and ever

I have been talking to some important people in my life lately about all of the aspects of "The Life of Sash". Which let me tell ya.. has been humbling and not very multifaceted. Behind all my cool crap I do on the outside (at least I feel like it's cool haha) I am so incredibly simple. And that scares me. 
Okay, everything is on the table, blog is done. I'm done. Right?

NO, no. 

Ahh simplicity.
So why does simplicity scare me? What is wrong with being a simple human being?
Here's a stab- I've discovered recently that people are beginning to figure me out. Some of my little quirks and flaws, they have them pinned down to a T. CRAP MAN! It's relatable to that "backed into a corner" feeling. Like nowwww what? I have nothing left to pull out of my hat. I'm just left with me. The quirks, the flaws, the unnecessary parts of me are out in the open and I'm not sure if I like who is left. I'm not sure if I know the girl who is left. I know who she is supposed to be. What she is supposed to wear. Where she should find herself. And what kind of fellowship she should find herself amongst. But I fall where in that cluster?
Identity is something I find conflicting, intriguing, and just stinkin baffling. Yeah, I used that word.
I know you agree. So, gimme an "amen". Even you Bible thumpers, meditation mortals, and crabby creatures (catchy right?!) who think you know. You've been told a million times, right? So, you understand and you KNOW your identity inside out, forwards, backwards, and sideways.. Do you?

In one aspect, I agree. It's as simple as they told you and me. For me it was, "Your identity is found in Christ. No man's arms will ever be long enough to satisfy you like the Father. You are a daughter of the King!" That was my identity catch. But five years later, I don't question it's authenticity, I question it's meaning. I accepted this identity, but I don't think anyone else sees that. I've accepted this identity as my own, but I don't think it's portrayed- even 75% of the time. So then, is it really an identity? Can something partially done be an identity? Saying your identity is in "______" doesn't make it so. It doesn't make other people associate said identity with you. It doesn't make you feel any different either. 

On the other side, it's not that simple. My identity is more than painting the perfect image of a Godly woman and aspiring to be her (these are GREAT things, don't get me wrong. But identity? No). My identity is ME. Yes, I'm aspiring to be a Proverbs 31. Yes, I'm aspiring to be a Ruth patiently waiting and praying for her Boaz. But my identity is ME. All the quirks, the flaws, the unnecessary crap I do. That's me. The way God wired Sasha Rihana Arms. And when you take it all away, it's still me. But I can't say what my identity is. I can't tell ya it's found in one spot. It's ALL OVER THE FREAKIN PLACE! 

I know this totally contradicts every womanly Bible lesson I have ever received, but this is much more realistic to enact in my life. Holding Proverbs 31 characteristics on this crazy pedestal is dandy, but it can be daunting sometimes. It can make what is SUPPOSED to be a great and wonderful "identity" turn into something that seems unachievable and like you're failing (amen or oh me?). Unless you are the woman in Proverbs 31, I don't think that can be your ultimate, singular identity. God created you with so many other facets! I know He loves that I love Him, but He also loves that I love His people and His world and the way we all interact. Please call me out on this if you think otherwise.

Don't make your said identity something you are not. Your identity is you. You strive to glorify God. Pray for His will. Be His hands and feet. But don't let an identity crisis hold you back from being you and who you were created to be. Which, let me tell you, you weren't created to be perfect. Stop trying. HE already lived that life. Isn't that the best part? WE don't have to live up to perfection. Daughters of Christ, you are found in Him whether you breathe it in every aspect of your day, or if you lose your marbles on a daily basis. You are HIS. You have your OWN identity in and through Him. We are not all Marthas or Marys, but we are all loved and cherished the same.  


Non preoccuparti, sii felice!

I lost my sense of adventure

Somewhere between finding out that I'm not where I fit and that I'm not fit to be so many things, I forgot why I started this adventure almost two years ago.
It was for me. The journey was mine and mine alone. No one else could feel what I felt or experience what I experienced. It was all me.
Somehow, 1,700 miles away from everything I ever knew, I found me. I found what made me happiest. I found the purest form of Sasha Rihana Arms. Nothing beats that feeling - loving every ounce of your life, every person surrounding you and every corner of every street you find something new to love.
And now I'm left grasping at straws. Trying everything to get that feeling back. Painting, slacklining, reading, writing, lifting, driving, eating, drinking, friends.. and none of them have 100% me in the equation. My heart isn't really in anything I do here. Because my heart isn't here, it's 1,700 miles away. So if I'm not Susie Sunshine, it's because I'm working on filling the chunk of me that's missing. Christ is the only thing that can fill that void until I can be reunited with my "heart". And when something else leaves a void, He'll fill it then too. But for right now, He's kind of all I have to cling to. And honestly, all I want or need to cling to. I don't need anything else in my life to half heartedly love, enjoy or be apart of.
I realize this isn't where I want to be, for many reasons. But if I could just have a few answers from God, maybe "me" could begin to surface again. Maybe.. but probably not. Because to be honest, asking why hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. And throwing myself a Boca sized pity party won't help either. I have been really confused in my Women's Bible Study the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what my wilderness is, what my Egypt was and where my promised land is going to be. Well, I think a light bulb went off today. Texas was my Egypt. God delivered me from a financial struggle as well as an emotional one. But he didn't just pluck me out of that, He has sent me on a long, long journey through the dessert. A journey that still has at least 7 months left. I'm learning to expect it to get worse, but to accept the fact that my wilderness isn't going anywhere for some time. I can CHOOSE whether or not I want to throw a pity party or not. As for my promised land.. maybe it's the road back to the Lone Star state, maybe somewhere totally new. I'm not sure. I just know, that I know, that I KNOW, I will be delivered from my wilderness. God is faithful, not matter how long it takes or how silent He seems.

I know a lot of my posts have been pretty selfish as of late. But I'm just being transparent about things. Pray for direction and discernment in the weeks to come. That I can still be a light regardless of how my heart feels. And if you're in the wilderness too, expect and accept it! Hold me accountable to the promises of God!

-Non preoccuparti, sii felice!

Painted-Paisley

"Painted-Paisley" isn't what this post is about BUT, I wanted to let you all know that I have started a photo blog called Painted-Paisley! As of now, it's just a style blog and a place to put all my gazillion phone pictures :) Enjoy! Painted-Paisley

Now that that's out of the way, I can blog about some really GREAT things.

As many of you know, Boca Raton was not something I entirely looked forward to. In fact, I came dragging my feet all the way from Texas. I sulked. I asked God what He thought He was doing, why ruin a good thing. I asked Him if He thought this was funny; if this was my punishment for moving to Texas in the first place. I don't know, but I was angry. I had to leave my dog, best friend, and the greatest community I have ever been apart of. To come to what? Boca. I left all of that for THIS?!

Yeah, I kinda sorta hate this place (sorry, but it's pretty and that's about it). But fast forward to now and the Bible study I have become a part of - by absolutely divine reasons. A church I happened to try out, with a Bible study that happened to be starting just as I moved here and the best part, a study that happened to be on the topic which boils down to praising God in the "wilderness".  Praising God when you have no idea WHY He's brought you here. Being joyful when it seems like there's nothing to be joyful about.
Well, I'll be darned. Looks like the Israelites weren't the only ones wishing they could flee BACK to Egypt. Kinda like I'd love to flee back to Texas. The Promised Land didn't seem so promised to them when it took so dang long to get there and they didn't understand the reasoning behind the extra long journey. Kinda like I don't get why I spent a year there and I don't know where the next year is going to be. But just like they had living signs and miracles from God, so do I - making the journey THAT much more bearable. Just like the Israelites were put through the desert with miracles spanned far and wide from eachother. I too, have to be in the desert. But the miracles COME. And the desert times COME. But with each of them comes a different discovery of God in my relationship with Him. Austin changed my life.. and SO will Boca - just in a much different way.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning that the wilderness, the desert times HAVE to happen. There has to be an "inbetween" the miracles time. Be okay with your wilderness. Be okay with your desert. Don't beg for the comfort of your old life like the Israelites did. Instead, embrace the manna, the cloud of fire by night and cloud of smoke by day.

AND DON'T LET THE DEVIL EAT YOUR STINKIN LUNCH! :D

Yes, it's about you mister

This blog is not coming from the heart of a Proverbs 31 woman right now. This blog is coming from a hurt, slightly broken, and confused girl who is at the breaking point. What gives?

In my lifetime, I have saved a lot of things. Relationships and anything to do with them is one of those things. At first, it was because I wasn't allowed to date and my parents were weird and strict and awkward about guys. Then it was because I wanted to be pursued exactly how God intended and be the woman God created me to be. Then it was because reality hit me THREE times in the face and let me know that the relationship waters are tainted and to stay away.

Not just three stupid encounters with random people. No, not just three dumb, human "Sasha what were you thinking" moments. Three solid, Godly guys that I may or may not have completely let my guard down for. Condensed version. Ready? Word vomit: One fell off the face of the earth and then BAM 6 months later, married. Once I finally realized again that there were other good people on the planet I tried again. This one didn't get married, I just straight up got lied to and ditched for another girl. WWJD? And lastly a charmer, who tainted the relationship and marriage waters for sure. What guy talks to you about baby names he likes and then drops the "I'm still in love with her" bomb? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
I'm sorry, I guess I'm the mother freakin idiot for buying into a second of any of it. And I'm sorry for all of you who read this for encouragement.. but this is real life. Shit hits the fan. People are human and sometimes they are awful mean, inconsiderate humans. I understand mistakes. I understand human error.. but messing with someone's heart is foul play and dangerous territory. Shame on me for not having my guard up? I'm sorry, the Godly facade I fell for kind of threw me off. Next time I'll just have them read this first and if they stick around I should be good. I'm like Taylor Swift but with blogs, not songs.
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm dating or why I'm single; or telling me that God has the perfect guy picked out for me. Listen here, the poor man that God has picked out for me is gonna have about 10 walls of Jericho to knock down before he even sees my heart, courtesy of the three gents I so naively fell for. It's not fair to him.
Gentleman, grow some cahones and either A) Be man enough to turn her down in the first place; don't just pretend to enjoy dating her out on convenience B) Don't ever talk about future things if you're hiding past things C) If you want to leave, SAY SO. Falling off the face of the earth is the worst 'what if' game a girl can play in her head. You come nowhere near your spotless reputation when you treat a woman that way (neither do I with this blog, but beyond the point!) If you CLAIM chivalry and being a Godly man... hello it's expected. (And ladies, nothing wrong with expecting that!)

If you couldn't tell, I am angry. Hurt, but mostly angry. And for the record, none of these gentleman had enough of me to break my heart. Not that girl. If you know me, you know I am a control freak. And this kind of thing, being something I never controlled and that came totally out of left field..makes me so mad. Goood grief. Maybe the guilt end on their part sucks as bad as this, but I highly doubt that.

Hurricane Waves

Although the scenery has changed a LOT in the past couple of weeks, I still find myself having time to recharge and think at coffee shops and whole foods like I did in Texas. It's like my permanent comfort zone no matter where I go. I like that.

So in lieu of Hurricane Isaac, I forged the weather to my "spot" and decided to finally write this puppy out. Honestly, hurricane weather is beautiful. It's the coolest thing to witness huge waves of rain and gusts of wind rise and die almost as quickly as they came about. To see the sky churning, waiting for it to upchuck some more gray skies and sheets of opaque looking rain that you can hardly see your hand in front of your face it's so heavy. These storms don't mess around. And I don't like that I take them so lightly, because I know the damage that can and has been done, but I find beauty in the storm. In fact, it's taking almost every fiber in me to keep my butt planted in this seat and NOT drive the to beach and just get pelted with the rain and watch the waves go bizirk as the hurricane winds rip through the water.

And in light of hurricane weather, even though I find it so amazing.. it puts me in a really mellow mood after awhile. With enough rainy days you start to get kind of pessimistic with each hour of continued rain. Maybe that's just me. But with this weather, comes the Sasha who analyzes every fraction of a fraction and pesters at all my decisions, situations and predicaments. I mean, there is nothing else to do when it's monsooning outside, so why not?

I came up with some areas that need work. And you are always more than welcome to share your thoughts on this or your own struggles or whatever. I like the feedback :)

1. Confidence in God and Self
Sticks out like a sore thumb. And shouldn't even be a slight issue. I never realized that THIS is exactly where a lot of my downfalls root from. I think in my head that I'm trusting God in all of my decisions and that I'm doing His will (following Him with each of my moves etc), but in reality it's just me trying to convince myself I trust that idea. I KNOW I was called here or there, so I go and do, but my heart isn't there. My heart is somewhere between here and Texas trying to figure out what it is I want, love, need, like, or desire. It's hard for me to find confidence in things that are constantly changing. But I don't let people know that. I cover that up and act bold about everything and where I've been, but it's just not like that. I'm so afraid that I'm going to get plucked from here the second I start to like it. I'm afraid to like it here. I know I "can't bring it with me when I go", but not having the confidence to be myself in a new place is weird. It's something I really need some prayers on. Yes, I want my actions to follow the Lord's will for my life, but I also want my heart to be right there with us. I don't want my heart to be 500 miles behind. I'm trusting God by going, but my heart isn't in line.

-Pray that I would develop the heart confidence to coincide with my "go" confidence.


2. Lifestyle Inconsistencies
Time to be blunt.
I will be the first to tell you, I am such a hypocrite. What the hell am I doing? 
Where did the girl who started this blog go? I feel like I've picked up a lot of "character" along my crazy-traveling-life road, but some things cannot be regarded as character. I just won't stand for it anymore. I don't know how I let things get so deep. And I've said this a million times before! Like those stupid weeds that grow between the cracks in your pool deck. You turn around and they're a foot tall! What happened!? Where were you with the preventative methods, weed killer and chemicals?!
Now you have only one choice, pull the weeds out completely.. root and all.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. But, some of my decisions have led to more decisions that have led to things I'm not proud of. And I'm okay with sharing this, because even though I'm not proud of it, I'm proud of that fact I can call myself out and at least attempt to fix it. I refuse to live in it. I refuse to be okay with being lukewarm in everything I do.
So if I tweet about #shehasworth, never settling, waiting etc etc.. you bet your bottom dollar I want you to tweet back and be like YO SASH! WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? ARE YOU BEING A P31? ARE YOU RESPECTING THE MEN AROUND YOU IN WHAT YOU WEAR, SAY AND DO? ...all caps for bolder effect. But I am serious! My worldliness in some of my choices are coming from the first issue of being on different pages with my head and my heart. There should never ever be a reason to choose the world over Christ. I know it's going to be awkward, difficult and not a whole lot of fun sometimes, but the outcome is what my heart was made for.. ETERNITY.

AH. You have no idea how GOOD it feels to get that out of.

Or if I make a post on a facebook about a great sermon and post it up for the world to see, you bet I want you to be straight up and ask me: HOW'S YOUR QUIET TIME GOIN? WHATS GOD REVEALING TO YOU LATELY? HOW ARE YOU SERVING? HOW ARE YOU PLUGGING INTO COMMUNITY?

And the cursing is out of control. I blame it on crossfit, but it has got to gooo. I know I get super into my workouts, but it's not ladylike on any scale, not even at the gym. So call me out, bro! I'm gonna try to have a rated PG mouth at all times :)

So before this gets even more ranty and random, I would ask you to please pray for me. I'm claiming my hypocrisies and asking them to be covered in prayer as I turn it around.





"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easilyI'm here to stay and make the difference that I can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to useThe tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not..And who I am"

People, places, things

This blog is coming from me experiencing the give and take away of blessings from God. I have been overwhelmed, covered in blessing lately..always! But I also understand, how quickly things can change, be taken away and seem down and out, only to reveal a larger, better purpose. I've learned to appreciate the people in my life so much more. To love and adore the little things and moments. And to just simply be present. Most importantly, I've began to discover who I am in Christ and start to piece together the beautiful love story of my life He's writing. I love where He's leading. It's scary, and blind.. but I have never felt happier or more confident being in His hands.


People, places, and things-
They come and go, but we try ever so hard to hold onto each part of them. It's as if they're what defines our being. That people, places and things of my life today, yesterday and tomorrow are what makes me, me. And sometimes we like the "me" that a certain person creates or being in a particular place creates; we don't want to lose that version of "me". But I've found that the version of you merely created by a person, place, or thing isn't rooted very deeply. It works, but the "me", trampled underneath these "people, places, and things", is dying to be seen and heard.


In 21 years of life I am beginning to learn what holds me back. But the only way I could have ever discovered the "me" outside of the people, places and things I THOUGHT I was, was to remove them from my life completely. Take away home. Take away family. Take away friends. Take away Godly accountability. Take away my spot on the beach. Take it all away.
Then who are you? Who are you then?!
So many play it safe. So safe that I don't think they ever really know who they are outside the box of life. I still don't really know. But I do know that I'm learning, growing, letting go a lot easier and one day I will be the woman Christ has called me to be. But I can't get there until I let go of the now. Until I let go of the people and places and things I let define me, because I am only defined in Christ alone. He is what makes me, me. It's not Crossfit, nor Texas, nor my height nor family name.


If you're holding onto something more than you're holding onto Christ, let it go. Move 1,300 miles from home and test your faith, cling to God. Why is it so crazy to be different? Just trust God. So often, I forget how simple it is to follow God's commands. I make it so complicated.
Love God, love people. 
Know God, make Him known.

Life's too short to play it safe inside our own little worlds. Be radical. Let Him introduce you to the YOU He has called you to be. And don't wait! It can change in an instant.
GO. DO. BE.


In just ten days I'll be making the second biggest move of my life thus far. Austin to Boca Raton. I never asked for it, never pictured it and still can't really grasp that I'm moving back.. But I am SO excited to be fulfilling whatever God's plan is on my life. I can't see it, I'm just going.
Please pray for me as I prepare for the move. It's scary on my own. And I have a lot to do. A lot of goodbyes I don't want to make. And for my roommate and I's road trip down there. As for you.. get ready! I'm comin back to the SUNSHINE STATE :)

From the margins

of my history notebook. I'm very, very productive in class. Enjoy.

Putting your life under a microscope is probably the worst idea one could ever have. Why!? Why speculate and question the very things God is totally in control of?

But as a perfectionist, I can't help but do just that. I speculate, ponder, and question every person and aspect of my life. I question if I am being ignorant of my purpose and my Creator some days. If I am merely chasing nothing in replacement of chasing His will.
I question.

But, I'm going to tell you this. No matter who you are, what you're facing, what you're afraid of or what you're trying to analyze under that microscope.. Go ALL or nothing. Don't let it stop you or keep you on the sidelines (cause that's just what the devil wants you to do). Don't leave anything on the table. You can't take it with you.. LEAVE IT!
GO. DO. BE.
Are you comfortable? Do something uncomfortable. Reach out. Pray with your waitress, that man next to you on the bus. Be hands and feet. Don't waste time speculating the good and bad and indifferent of the everyday life. Start now and be the good you dream and desire. Don't let other's words break you. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit. So don't cave. Don't give in to the world. It won't last. Your smokes turn to ashes, your drink will dry up, Hollywood makes you feel like you aren't good enough.
Fall in love with the One who is more jealous for your attention than any human being ever could be. It doesn't matter what your life look like right now. He's constant. CONSTANT! Isn't that beautiful? ..Whether you're a saint or a sex addict, He's there and he will be the only thing in your life that lasts.

And no matter deep I find myself wallowing in my seemingly unproductive daily and spiritual life, He is always there to listen and spur me on to go and do and be. To GO the extra mile and to go where He guides my heart - confident no matter if it's 10 miles south or 2000 miles to Germany (..I wrote this BEFORE I decided on Boca :)) To DO the things He called me to do. Do church. Do love. Do right. Do help. Do believe. Do listen. Do care. Do pray. Do Christ! To BE. To be set apart. Set apart from the ideals of this world . Set apart no matter how long it takes. To be light. To be salt.

YOU and ME.
GO. DO. BE.
(& be bold in it! He's got your back!)
Jeremiah 29:11

The Next Chapter..

It's with an amazingly confident and joyful heart that I can tell you all.. I'm moving back to Florida. Not home, home..but I will be back in the Sunshine State soon and very soon! My Texas journey has come to an end. Although bittersweet, I am SO incredibly confident that God has orchestrated every part of this next chapter of my life.
It's amazing to me that when I am so bent over backwards on making something else work out and praying for that to work and be His will, he comes alongside me and says "HELLLO, earth to Sasha, perfection is right over here, open your eyes and stop asking for what you think you want. What I have to offer is so much better for you!" DUDE. Mind blown. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a God thing this is. My heart is so happy.
Moving and saying goodbye is ALWAYS hard for me, and I do it quite often. But when God's hand is involved it makes the tough, easier.
I will miss Texas SO much. This place is incredible. I will visit more than I'll be wanted, I'm sure ;)
But nothing can take this journey and this experience away from me. I was put here for a purpose and I served it. Even though I may not see the results now.. seeds were planted and I did my duty. I made amazing friends. I met the most beautiful and encouraging group of adults who always had my back. I am so grateful for my Texas family. Each of you have an amazingly special place in my heart. And I let myself fall in love with a city that I will most definitely come back to. Just because this chapter is closing, doesn't mean Texas is out of my future! God can bring me back any day! :)

Please be in prayer for me int he weeks to come. I have a lot of things to get sorted out before I can move (sublease my place, sell my furniture and make the long haul to SoFla!) I love you all and I can't wait to share this next part of my life!

Change your dreams for no one

So, I started following some really awesome blogs and twitter accounts recently (http://www.shehasworth.com/ , http://jarridwilson.com/). Their posts have been encouraging, but hitting me hard. Mainly because I used to blog these kinds of things myself ..and somewhere along the way I drifted from this "idea". I started to forget what my relationship with a man, a Godly man,  was supposed to look like and I just started looking, lusting for a man to call mine.

Yes, I can write about the faults I have found in the quality, Godly guys who "did me wrong" to try to justify my actions, but when I look to RIGHT NOW and ME, it's about where I'm looking and what I'm looking for. The catch is this: I don't give the man of God a chance, because losing him would hurt more than losing a "good" worldly guy. #RedFlag #CopOut
BUT, It has proven true in the past and that's just how I feel. And this is called transparency. 

This wasn't an overnight thing. This was a facade I started building quite some time ago. I can't really understand or explain the dynamics, I just know that it happened, overtime. I guess I could compare it to a child an their dream to be a princess or a doctor or gymnast when they grow up. As a kid, they are SO confident that they are GOING to do that when they grow up. But as life goes on, reality hits them, they do some changing and growing up and they realize that isn't in their reach anymore. It's almost silly now, just childish dreaming. Same goes for me. As a high schooler, I KNEW exactly what qualities I wanted in a husband, had dating boundaries like you wouldn't believe, and wanted nothing more than to be a P31. Just ask any guy who was interested in me, I probably told them that they aren't a spiritual leader  or we weren't equally yolked and right now we couldn't date, but we could be friends.. something like that. Then reality hit me, I got impatient, I got a lil hurt and I found myself turning to the next guy who said "I'm a Christian!" and had a cute face and thinking that made it the Lord's will, so I must date him. 

NO. NO. NO!!

Where's that childlike faith? Where's the big dreams? Why does reality seep in and steal the desire that God has laid on our hearts? Those desires I had in high school were good things, they were rooted in Christ. Why did I settle, sacrifice that? 

Where did the pride go for wearing my purity ring? It shouldn't bother me to answer, 'What's that ring for?' - I should take joy in the fact that the Lord has protected me from falling far enough away to disregard it.

What happened to all of those qualities? Would the guy I'm with appreciate the letter I wrote to my future husband when I was 16? What happened to waiting for the "Man who loves God more than he loves me"? 

And when you get to the point of asking these questions a funny thing happens. Your mind begins to trick you. The devil begins to tell you that you are asking these things BECAUSE you don't deserve that kind of man anymore. You will never be good enough. You will never be a P31. You were the bride of Christ, and you let Him down. He can't possibly love you anymore. He can't possibly plan to introduce a man of God to you. 

You know what I say to that, Devil!?!

My grace is enough for you. When you are weak, my power is made perfect in you. 2 Corinthians 12:9 

BAM! Grace. Duh. 

His grace is enough!! So you dated some Joe Schmoes who definitely did not help your walk with Christ. Good. Now learn and discover YOU and what God has in store for YOU. I can't beat myself up for choosing poorly anymore than another mistake. But I can learn from it. Yes, some of those mistakes really hurt, or were really hard to admit or let go of. But because of the Lord's grace I am able to see better His plan for my life.. and eventually I'll get there. ONe piece at a time, I'll get there. 

And going back to my #RedFlag #CopOut, alongside with grace, the Lord's timing is perfect. I trust Him. I know He can heal past hurts and future hurts, no matter how scared of them I am. And from hurts and healing comes knowledge and even more trust in Him. He won't let me go. 

He's a snippet from my VERY FIRST blog ever! #PreachIt!

"As a follower of Christ, I know that because I am set apart, I can trust that the Lord has someone set apart for me and I never have to settle. And that His arms will ultimately be longer than any other source of comfort or happiness, even when he reveals my husband to me. Satisfaction does not lie in finding a man just like the ones in my favorite chick flicks. That satisfaction will only leave us empty and continuously searching. When you feel like you are never going to find true love, tell yourself you already have it. The Lord's love is so stinkin jealous for us, run to Him! Be satisfied in His never ending comfort when it seems like every flipping girl you know is engaged or celebrating their 2 years anniversary with their boyfriend. The Lord's love is more perfect and amazing than any romance novel or Lifetime tear jerker could ever portray. The movie will end, His love won't."

Despite the Title..

This blog is about fear.
Fear of the future. (Do you see the blog trend? hmm)

I am not coming from a place of wisdom or hindsight in writing this, know that. I am just putting my thoughts here, in hopes that maybe I can make sense of them by being able to see them.. or just read this one day down the road and realize how ridiculous this all was. 

If you were to ask me today or two months ago or even two years ago what my driving force was, really, honestly what truly pushed me and was the reason behind 99.9% of my decisions here's the answers you'd get:

"Jesus Christ. Knowing Him and making Him known." 

Then, I'd be honest and say.. Well, if 99.9% of my decisions were Christ driven, then I'm pretty sure my decisions would look a little different.
SO, back to square one.. I guess I could say my decisions are based out of desire, spontaneity and fear.. With a foundation that roots back to scripture, high moral standards, and being raised in the South. #JustBeingHonest (I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that.) 

And recently, HOLY CRAP desire and fear have been like colliding like crazy. Along with prayers and random thoughts and day dreams. My brain just doesn't turn off. 

SOME DAYS.. This is on my brain:

FLORIDA! 

HOME! 

USF! 

RAYS! 

FAMILY! 

FRIENDS!

TREE! 

BEACH!

HOME!

ROOTS!

BAYSHORE!

DATZ!

BULL!

VV!

YBOR!

HOME!

And THEN some days are like THIS:I'M TEXAN NOW! 

Mainly, Texas has been such a blessing, it hurts to think about leaving. But at the same time, it hurts to feel like I'm missing life back home. I start to question WHY and HOW the heck I got here.. then I realize I GOT here through prayer and the Lord's will. And everyday He keeps me here is still His will. I have had no control over any of this. Heck, I moved here with the "plan" to nanny for a year, gain my residency, save money and then go to UTSA. Here's what actually happened: Nannied, moved out, crossfit cert, broke as a joke, plans to go to UT, move to Austin, fall in love with TAMU. 

As I plan to visit home in a few days, I'm feeling SO torn on head and heart issues. They aren't on the same page. The Lord will totally deliver His will, open doors, closed doors or whatever needs be on HIS time. I jst need that constant reminder that everything is going EXACTLY as planned, at all times. Even when I can't see the good in any of it, it's the plan, with purpose. 

ANYWHO! Some legit verses on the future :)

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 37:37

Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace.

Proverbs 23:17-19

Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path.

Ecclesiastes 7:14

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

Please don't hate me

and this is NOT in stone...

..but I'm coming home.

Yes, Austin is my favorite city, EVER.
Yes, I ADORE Texas.
Yes, I want to graduate here.
Yes, I want to stay and live here forever.
and Yes, you guessed, the Lord and my heart have different plans than I did.

See, if it were up to my lil brain to decide. I'd probably stay. I know I'd stay. I'd stay at LOFT, I'd keep coaching, I'd get some school in, I'd be a broke college student, I'd be in the place Sasha wanted to be. But I can't do that. I can't make it. I'm exhausted, broke, stressed, and I miss the love from Florida.

I needed to come here an experience this.. absolutely.
But I have. I did.. and now it's my time to finish everything I have ever started, before I start one more thing here. (As much as I hate that, it's true)
Almost every part of me wants to stay and transfer to TAMU or UT and live the Texan life. But my gut tells me I just can't do that. I can't ignore everything I left.

I can come back. I can make this home one day maybe. I can make it my get away, whatever.
But a Florida girl can only be so far from the shore 'til her heart starts to hurt. (And she runs out of money and really misses the beach and Datz and Cuban food and linedancing ((comeon Texas, no linedancing?!)) and her friends and itty bitty Plant City).


Sorry, Texas, it's been amazing, but this girls got to start her exit plan.

Now, before you all freak out on me, I said this is NOT in stone. I have a lot more prayers and seeking to do before any planning occurs. And in that time, I'd ask that YOU pray for God's will to be done. I don't want to do anything out of homesickness or stress.

It's all good

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.”
-Elisabeth Elliot

Tonight at Austin Stone, the message series on Joseph continued. Genesis 37 and 39 follow the story of Joseph being betrayed and sold and tempted and all along his obedience to Christ was present. Suffering was present as well. Was God faithful to Joseph? Of course.
Genesis 38? Total left field. Judah. Disobedience. Suffering. Death. Suffering. Death. Immorality. Lying. 
Obedience? Not present. Suffering? Present. Was God faithful to Judah? Yup. He was a noted forefather of the Messiah and the great grandson of Abraham. Chapter 38 had to happen before Jesus happened. 

If Jesus' lineage was perfect and didn't come from some mess like Gen 38, then He would be a perfect man here to save perfect people. But that's not the case, He is perfect, but came from a lineage that was imperfect.. just like those He came to save. 

Whether chapter 37, 38, or 39... God's sovereignty is present. The suffering occurred to prove in the end His grace and mercy are always present and in turn focus back to worshipping Him. 

Suffering SUCKS. It really does. But if life was peaches and cream.. Raise at work, heavier lifts at the gym, healthy family, no debt, great weather, just scored free tickets to see Josh Turner.. would our initial thought be, "I NEED GOD!" Nope. Because we think we have it all!

But tables turn and we need a job, just gained 15 pounds from stress, kids have strep, overwhelmed with debt, hurricane on its way and always getting stuck in predicaments.. we CRY to God don't we? We practically scream at the top of our lungs for help.

Isn't that what chapter 38 seems to be? The wakeup call to come back to God. To scream for Him at the top of our lungs. To be reminded that we need Him more than just on Easter and Sundays.

We aren't put through suffering because God is mean and powerful and wants to see us suffer. Suffering shows us His grace. Suffering leads us to worship. 

God's purpose will come to be whether we are disciples or the prodigal son. His grace abounds in all seasons of life. 

I suffer now because I know, later, His plan will make more sense than this moment that might be rough. 

If I didn't suffer, I wouldn't need a savior. 

If I didn't have a savior, my life wouldn't have a purpose. 

This message could have been really hard to accept, and it still is. However, when pastor finished and the band got up to play.. I couldn't stop smiling. After being taught on suffering? Yeah.

I was filled with the contentment of knowing (even though I already 'knew') that the junk of my life right now is to prove His grace over my life. To lead me to worship. The junk I was worrying about before church, is part of a plan to show me grace and lead me to worshipping my savior. 

[And that's my sole purpose.]

There's so much more.

Instead of letting something eat away at me, I blog about it :)
Temporary fix.


I have this song on repeat (do listen!)
"I don't have to fear anything.
Because Your love makes it worth it all.
And I can so willingly lay everything down at Your feet,
Because Your love makes it worth it all.
Oh, do you dare,
Will you be bold as a lion,
And go, go look deep into the eyes of love?
Will you leave everything behind,
To look deep into the eyes of love?
Fire that can't be tamed,
Fire that won't be put in a box,
Fire that won't be contained,
Fire that won't be put out,
An all consuming fire!"

If I'm being honest, and I feel like I can..with the less than 13 of you who click my link :) then can I just ask.. what is vulnerability? Where does it spur from? What is present or not present from person to person who you can or cannot be vulnerable with? Is it really just a gut feeling or is there some kind of definite, equation to it? What does the Bible say about vulnerability? When is it okay or not okay? Why can it keep us from so many things? How can we NOT let it keep us from things?

VULNERABLE:

1. Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally: "we were in a vulnerable position".
2. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
3. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
4. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.
   
   

Sasha, why so many questions on vulnerability?
Because never in my entire life have I feared it so much and had it so present in my life. I absolutely hate it. Kind of making me crazy and I don't know how to respond to it. I've never not known how to respond. I always have sharp and normally quick responses to anything in life. I will be honest, I typically am not the kind to run away from things. I'm stubborn. I'm more of a turn my shoulder and walk away, wipe my hands clean, nobody gets hurt because I didn't allow myself to get too involved - too involved to be able to get hurt kind of person. Everyone goes home with just a little scrape, but no crazy battle wounds or scars. Why? Because I've learned that lesson, too involved, or just being vulnerable, and you can get burned. Don't they say, "First time shame one you, second, shame on me"? Welllllll, I think I take that very literally. Once burned is enough.
But that doesn't work if one wants to "live" outside of any kind of safe box keeping you from getting burned.
So, where do you draw the line between being able to live and not living in fear of hurt? I know there are so many factors to vulnerability that make this not an easy topic.

Biblical Reference:

Prov 29:11
A fool vents all his feelings, 
But a wise man holds them back. 


Proverbs 4:23Above all else, guard your heart,
    for everything you do flows from it.

Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 

Also, I read this quote: "Before we let anyone or anything into our heart, try the spirit by the spirit."

How does one go about "trying" another's spirit? Does that mean discovering if their walk/heart for the Lord is legitimate? Does that mean worshipping and studying with them? What does it mean to try one's spirit?
And WHAT IF their spirit in Christ in genuine? Then that's the green light to be vulnerable? 

And if you have read all the way down here, I will continue to ask..

But I, WE, have burned our saving God hundreds of times, have we not (even as Christians, covered by the blood, we have sinned against Him)? 

But doesn't He still pour His heart out for us? 

Isn't He still jealous for us? 

Doesn't He still desire for us to be in His presence, regardless of our past, present, and future strikes against Him?

Are we supposed to treat our relationships with that same mindset? That even with the risk or maybe the actual fact that we have been hurt, burned, or what have you, we continue to pursue that person relationally, platonically, whatever (given they pass the "try the spirit by the spirit")??

Okay, lots of thoughts on the table. 

comment. message. whatever your heart desires.