In the past month I have come to accumulate many different definitions of the word story. As children, many of us relate the word story to our favorite bedtime book, princess movie or fireside tale told by a family member we respect deeply. We grow up with stories as wonderful escapes from reality. We then pick up and learn some where along the lines that we have a story. That we also have a love story (or should have been a part of one by age 22, right?). And the newest one to my story arsenal is that we create stories.
But what if all of these stories are false?
What if there was only one true way to describe story - that there was only ONE author to said story?
Could you allow your life story, your love story and your wanna be heroic adventure story all be compiled into one, by One; by one author, one place. Is it possible to let go of the idea that YOU create any or all parts of these stories? There's only one who creates and it's not (insert your name here). Your part is not author. Your part is journeyman.
You can take a big breath and let an equally large sigh out. Breathe, folks.
You don't have to worry about conducting the seas of your stinkin life. I think that's great news.
It's refreshing to now and be reminded that the One who placed every single star in the sky, wrote mine and your life's story. Not only that, but He's holding your hand (or at least willing to hold it if you aren't) the whole way through. If I'm going to compete in a dangerous adventure obstacle race, of course I want the race creator running with me. Better yet, I think I'd let them lead me.
When your story heads south, know that wherever He leads is to show you how much he loves and is jealous for you. He's a God of restoration. Rest easy knowing that this life is not yours to create, but to be wooed by the creator. To be drawn closer to Him with each chapter of your story.
Let Him read it to you.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Synopsis
It's funny how much we defend our beliefs when we are put to the fire. In our everyday life, it seems that we are just "going through the motions"--with our faith life, relationships, work, what have you. I find myself sometimes questioning my foundations, doubting my cause for faith. But, man, when push comes to shove, you really do find out who you are and what or WHOM you stand for. It might surprise you in a really unsettling way, or it could shock you at how deep your roots really run.
The latter was the case for me this weekend at my Landmark Forum (LMF is a seminar lululemon sends most of their educators to as part of our core values and a lot of what our company stands for). I had no idea it was possible to be so aware to spiritual warfare at a small seminar.
In normal life? Sure.
On the mission field in the middle of nowhere Philippines? Absolutely.
At church camp? Yep.
But a seminar?
I made the false presumption of "needing" to go into LMF with an open mind. No, after one session (2.5 hours, mind you), I was fully aware that my mind being open was of least concern. The forefront of my mind needed to be engaged and wearing the full armor of God.
Read the disclaimer then find out why:
*DISCLAIMER* Hear me out, I am not writing to tell you LMF is BAD. No, I got great insight to my life and myself. Many people truly have breakthroughs. However, for me, from the get go I was being spiritually attacked by the enemy, and was fully aware of it. I HAD to remind myself in times of "buying into LMF" that it was NOT from the Word, NOT of God, and WAS entirely of the world. Interpret how you will.
With the initial teachings and description of the Forum, I was lit up. Crossed my arms, and literally after each person got up to say their "possibility" or any LMF truth was said, I said kind of prudely, 'inside the will of God'. I was being a little punk to everything Landmark.
So fast forward to the end of the first five sessions. I was able to swim through the fluff, uncross my arms and get something applicable out of it. I did not create or invent any possibilities for my life. (Guess what? I'm still gonna have a kick ass life. Shocker, I know.) I cleared space with someone I have never had a real relationship with. For that, I am so grateful. The accountability within the seminar kept me to my word to follow through with such things. I owned a lot of my garbage that I threw into my daily life that just acted as a wrench in the system. Granted, all that trash is still there, I'm not miraculously fixed, but I am aware and take full responsibility for it.
Ah, but fast forward some more sessions and the tone has changed. I kind of felt like I needed to prepare for all out battle. I also felt absolutely like a CRAZY person. See, LMF is different for each person. Some believers can go through entirely unscathed. Some can't get through one session and some fight it the whole time, and that was me. I felt outrageous for thinking this way, but I just did. I couldn't be with my thoughts. Am I being way too radical for thinking these thoughts? Am I officially crazy? Am I wrong? Maybe this does agree with my faith? No, wait- what? I literally sat there and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was mad because I didn't know how to respond in a way that people would get what I was going through. And that never came to me. So I sat.
But my upset-ness didn't originate in the "argument" against LMF and what they teach. My real hurt came from the men and women whose life stories I heard from. Serious stories of hurt, lies, abuse, secrets, wrong doings, infidelity, and anything in between. My heart really broke for these people. It broke the most when they stood in front of us and repeated after our leader, "I am inventing the possibility for me and my life to be ________." Which is not a bad thing on any terms, it's positive! What hurt is knowing that we are very human and very temporary beings. WE SCREW UP (hello, fall of man). LMF doesn't create a get away or an "out" from that hurt. Saying you create possibility for your future doesn't make it so. You can only take that so far, then you embrace your humanism again and fail again. It becomes a never ending cycle of possibility after possibility. I wanted to jump from my seat and say, "THERE'S REAL HOPE FOR YOU PEOPLE THAT NEVER ENDS, NEVER FAILS, NEVER LEAVES YOU!"
So, the hurt came from knowing, in that moment, that deeply broken person was placing hope in the words of another human being's "technology" or resources for their own breakthrough possibility. Not anything or anyone lasting or eternal.
..You win LMF. You create a whole bunch of little and big possibility making people. People who will continue to seek truth after possibilities start to fade. People you have taught to run or look to an ever-failing self instead of an ever faithful God. Thank you LMF for reinforcing my salvation and the grace I am covered in. For showing me the faithfulness of my savior and that without Him, the only hope I have in this meaningless life is to keep on inventing the money maker of possibility.
The latter was the case for me this weekend at my Landmark Forum (LMF is a seminar lululemon sends most of their educators to as part of our core values and a lot of what our company stands for). I had no idea it was possible to be so aware to spiritual warfare at a small seminar.
In normal life? Sure.
On the mission field in the middle of nowhere Philippines? Absolutely.
At church camp? Yep.
But a seminar?
I made the false presumption of "needing" to go into LMF with an open mind. No, after one session (2.5 hours, mind you), I was fully aware that my mind being open was of least concern. The forefront of my mind needed to be engaged and wearing the full armor of God.
Read the disclaimer then find out why:
*DISCLAIMER* Hear me out, I am not writing to tell you LMF is BAD. No, I got great insight to my life and myself. Many people truly have breakthroughs. However, for me, from the get go I was being spiritually attacked by the enemy, and was fully aware of it. I HAD to remind myself in times of "buying into LMF" that it was NOT from the Word, NOT of God, and WAS entirely of the world. Interpret how you will.
With the initial teachings and description of the Forum, I was lit up. Crossed my arms, and literally after each person got up to say their "possibility" or any LMF truth was said, I said kind of prudely, 'inside the will of God'. I was being a little punk to everything Landmark.
So fast forward to the end of the first five sessions. I was able to swim through the fluff, uncross my arms and get something applicable out of it. I did not create or invent any possibilities for my life. (Guess what? I'm still gonna have a kick ass life. Shocker, I know.) I cleared space with someone I have never had a real relationship with. For that, I am so grateful. The accountability within the seminar kept me to my word to follow through with such things. I owned a lot of my garbage that I threw into my daily life that just acted as a wrench in the system. Granted, all that trash is still there, I'm not miraculously fixed, but I am aware and take full responsibility for it.
Ah, but fast forward some more sessions and the tone has changed. I kind of felt like I needed to prepare for all out battle. I also felt absolutely like a CRAZY person. See, LMF is different for each person. Some believers can go through entirely unscathed. Some can't get through one session and some fight it the whole time, and that was me. I felt outrageous for thinking this way, but I just did. I couldn't be with my thoughts. Am I being way too radical for thinking these thoughts? Am I officially crazy? Am I wrong? Maybe this does agree with my faith? No, wait- what? I literally sat there and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was mad because I didn't know how to respond in a way that people would get what I was going through. And that never came to me. So I sat.
But my upset-ness didn't originate in the "argument" against LMF and what they teach. My real hurt came from the men and women whose life stories I heard from. Serious stories of hurt, lies, abuse, secrets, wrong doings, infidelity, and anything in between. My heart really broke for these people. It broke the most when they stood in front of us and repeated after our leader, "I am inventing the possibility for me and my life to be ________." Which is not a bad thing on any terms, it's positive! What hurt is knowing that we are very human and very temporary beings. WE SCREW UP (hello, fall of man). LMF doesn't create a get away or an "out" from that hurt. Saying you create possibility for your future doesn't make it so. You can only take that so far, then you embrace your humanism again and fail again. It becomes a never ending cycle of possibility after possibility. I wanted to jump from my seat and say, "THERE'S REAL HOPE FOR YOU PEOPLE THAT NEVER ENDS, NEVER FAILS, NEVER LEAVES YOU!"
So, the hurt came from knowing, in that moment, that deeply broken person was placing hope in the words of another human being's "technology" or resources for their own breakthrough possibility. Not anything or anyone lasting or eternal.
..You win LMF. You create a whole bunch of little and big possibility making people. People who will continue to seek truth after possibilities start to fade. People you have taught to run or look to an ever-failing self instead of an ever faithful God. Thank you LMF for reinforcing my salvation and the grace I am covered in. For showing me the faithfulness of my savior and that without Him, the only hope I have in this meaningless life is to keep on inventing the money maker of possibility.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Paralysis by Analysis
"You can be comfortable or courageous, but you can't be both."
You never did go on that mission trip.
You didn't take on that leadership role at church, school or work.
You didn't have that conversation with the woman at the store.
You missed out on your dream job.
You cheered from the sidelines as you watched that race you decided not to run.
You get there by doing, going and being. No by trying to "go, do, be." The more you try, the longer you will have nothing at all figured out. The longer you wait for the perfect conditions, the quicker that opportunity is going to be whisked away. Do you really need to have it all figured out to make it work? How can you know unless you don't just go for it?
So you take that leap of faith and you fall flat on your face.
SO WHAT?
Are you dead? Are you incapable of trying again? Do you still have a job? Do you still have a house? Okay, great. Guess what, you're richer than 90% of the rest of the world even as a total failure. That puts things into perspective huh.
You learn really fast when you fail. So by staying in your bubble you are:
A. Accomplishing nothing and going nowhere
B. Not learning a single thing.
For the love of God.. GO!
Identify what is stopping you.
Then ask yourself why you're allowing it to control you or even a part of you.
I know this was pretty blunt, but I know someone needs this push-this kind of encouragement.
(Yes, it's worth it. It's scary..Man is it scary sometimes, but the outcome is victory and courage and a boldness that can't be described. Don't subdue the desire God has placed on your heart friend. His plan will meet you when you least expect it. Trust Him to it now)
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Rest my child
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
We all typically grasp the fact that Jesus took on our sins. He bore our pain, suffering and restlessness. And because of that we are given the gift of heaven and there we have our simple gospel message, right?
He took on our sin, but he also imputed his perfect righteousness to us. "..The basis for the progressive realization of God's righteousness in our moral character. Our thoughts and deeds are sanctified in increasing measure until we receive perfect righteousness in heaven."
We get the "big picture" of our salvation but if we were to be asked, "Are you confident that the Lord would say of your life, 'It is good'?" What would our responses tell us? Are we choosing to believe in the part of our salvation where Jesus took on our sin, but forget the righteousness instilled to us, and skip to eternity?
By missing this, we find no rest. By missing this, we are trying to accomplish a work that has already been completed. We look over the work of our hands, the words of our lips, and the attitudes of our hearts and we are continually reminded that it is not good. And we believe it's not good, so we struggle to "make it better", to do better. Through self, we can't make a single thing better. The only way we can find rest from these shortcomings is in the works which are infinitely good and in His already finished work.
For myself, this is easier to type than to live out in my life. See, I like to romanticize my future. I like to linger on the idea of a future home, future family, husband, dog named Duke, and a wrap around porch. But by doing that, I am lingering on a thought that makes me feel inadequate on any given day. Like I need to do more in order to be someone's potential wife. I need to save more to have that beautiful home. I need to do, do, do. But all Christ wants me to do is sit on His lap and simply rest. Leave the perfectly pinterested life in my dreams and be assured that my future is matchless. Pinterest can't top what my life will look like.
Though I try, I can't shape tomorrow. He has already shaped every single one of my days. Because he has endowed his perfect righteousness to us, I am able to rest in Him; knowing that every one of my days will be perfectly orchestrated by God and no amount of worry, restlessness or romanticizing can change that.
We all typically grasp the fact that Jesus took on our sins. He bore our pain, suffering and restlessness. And because of that we are given the gift of heaven and there we have our simple gospel message, right?
He took on our sin, but he also imputed his perfect righteousness to us. "..The basis for the progressive realization of God's righteousness in our moral character. Our thoughts and deeds are sanctified in increasing measure until we receive perfect righteousness in heaven."
We get the "big picture" of our salvation but if we were to be asked, "Are you confident that the Lord would say of your life, 'It is good'?" What would our responses tell us? Are we choosing to believe in the part of our salvation where Jesus took on our sin, but forget the righteousness instilled to us, and skip to eternity?
By missing this, we find no rest. By missing this, we are trying to accomplish a work that has already been completed. We look over the work of our hands, the words of our lips, and the attitudes of our hearts and we are continually reminded that it is not good. And we believe it's not good, so we struggle to "make it better", to do better. Through self, we can't make a single thing better. The only way we can find rest from these shortcomings is in the works which are infinitely good and in His already finished work.
For myself, this is easier to type than to live out in my life. See, I like to romanticize my future. I like to linger on the idea of a future home, future family, husband, dog named Duke, and a wrap around porch. But by doing that, I am lingering on a thought that makes me feel inadequate on any given day. Like I need to do more in order to be someone's potential wife. I need to save more to have that beautiful home. I need to do, do, do. But all Christ wants me to do is sit on His lap and simply rest. Leave the perfectly pinterested life in my dreams and be assured that my future is matchless. Pinterest can't top what my life will look like.
Though I try, I can't shape tomorrow. He has already shaped every single one of my days. Because he has endowed his perfect righteousness to us, I am able to rest in Him; knowing that every one of my days will be perfectly orchestrated by God and no amount of worry, restlessness or romanticizing can change that.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Give and Take
This is a blog that has been brewing for just over 3 months now. "Aw, yeah! Gonna be a good one, Sash?!" No, no, friends; I mean that the substance this blog pertains to has been brewing in my life for 3 months and I have finally gotten to the other side of the tunnel, so to speak, to write about it all.
Hindsight. Insight. Wisdom. Just plain ol' sight. Whatever works, here's my take-away:
In life, we all know that ups and downs will come. Sometimes we are prepared for them, sometimes we suffer deeply through them. Sometimes we are in denial about them or don't even recognize it (many a times in the "ups" stage). I've learned that in most of these opposite end of the spectrum stages, we tend to look in all the wrong places for support, encouragement and the stuff that truly feeds our soul. Whether in high or low, we feast on crumbs. For me, I have been in a constant cycle of only feasting on Truth when my life is mediocre. When the bad comes I crumble, when the good comes I boast. Through a time of avoiding the Word and Truth FULLY, [aka I was still attending church, but not soaking in anything] I have learned to interpret these times and things differently.
When I came out of this "avoidance" stage (THANK you to the loves who encouraged me and prayed over me daily), I made the conclusion that every part of my life is from God and every person is a gift, or a vessel as I like to say. In viewing the people in my life as vessels, not gifts I am able to see Christ a lot more in my life. In the past, I would say, "Well, I don't need so and so in my life anyways, they totally weren't an encouragement to my walk." Now, I see them as a vessel, strategically placed in my life, at that moment to act as a "teacher" for me. They are no longer a person I can chose to want or need or not want or not need.
Accepting people in your life as vessels looks like this:
"I have this really awesome new friend and they are so great at keeping me accountable and I love our conversations, but God, I know that tomorrow they could be gone, for whatever reason. And for that, I am grateful for the work they have already done in my life and I will not be spiteful if you remove them from my life. They were never mine in the first place. I am thankful we were able to serve each other/they were a stepping stone in my walk/their life attracted me back to you."
Viewing relationships like that is tough. But it is something I am praying for daily. Mainly to keep my heart from getting selfish and also from putting a great friendship on a higher pedestal than God himself.
Count every person in your life as a gift, but think of ways they are also a vessel (you are to them too!).
Ask yourself what you think certain relationships are building up or maybe tearing down for you? Would you be angry at God for removing a certain vessel from your life? Why or why not? If the answer is "No, I would like Him to eliminate that one, STAT" then pray for an open heart to relationships that just seem so difficult. I promise He has a plan for that. Persevere. Learn the lesson. Become stronger.
If the answer is "No, I couldn't live without them!" then pray for relationships to take a back seat and reevaluate how you treasure your Savior. Do you cling to Him or the support group He's given you?
It's been a daily battle, but by praying for a state of hands off, "laissez-faire" if you will, of who or what comes into my life, my gaze is continually being refocused on God, not the wonderful people He graciously placed in my life.
Hindsight. Insight. Wisdom. Just plain ol' sight. Whatever works, here's my take-away:
In life, we all know that ups and downs will come. Sometimes we are prepared for them, sometimes we suffer deeply through them. Sometimes we are in denial about them or don't even recognize it (many a times in the "ups" stage). I've learned that in most of these opposite end of the spectrum stages, we tend to look in all the wrong places for support, encouragement and the stuff that truly feeds our soul. Whether in high or low, we feast on crumbs. For me, I have been in a constant cycle of only feasting on Truth when my life is mediocre. When the bad comes I crumble, when the good comes I boast. Through a time of avoiding the Word and Truth FULLY, [aka I was still attending church, but not soaking in anything] I have learned to interpret these times and things differently.
When I came out of this "avoidance" stage (THANK you to the loves who encouraged me and prayed over me daily), I made the conclusion that every part of my life is from God and every person is a gift, or a vessel as I like to say. In viewing the people in my life as vessels, not gifts I am able to see Christ a lot more in my life. In the past, I would say, "Well, I don't need so and so in my life anyways, they totally weren't an encouragement to my walk." Now, I see them as a vessel, strategically placed in my life, at that moment to act as a "teacher" for me. They are no longer a person I can chose to want or need or not want or not need.
Accepting people in your life as vessels looks like this:
"I have this really awesome new friend and they are so great at keeping me accountable and I love our conversations, but God, I know that tomorrow they could be gone, for whatever reason. And for that, I am grateful for the work they have already done in my life and I will not be spiteful if you remove them from my life. They were never mine in the first place. I am thankful we were able to serve each other/they were a stepping stone in my walk/their life attracted me back to you."
Viewing relationships like that is tough. But it is something I am praying for daily. Mainly to keep my heart from getting selfish and also from putting a great friendship on a higher pedestal than God himself.
Count every person in your life as a gift, but think of ways they are also a vessel (you are to them too!).
Ask yourself what you think certain relationships are building up or maybe tearing down for you? Would you be angry at God for removing a certain vessel from your life? Why or why not? If the answer is "No, I would like Him to eliminate that one, STAT" then pray for an open heart to relationships that just seem so difficult. I promise He has a plan for that. Persevere. Learn the lesson. Become stronger.
If the answer is "No, I couldn't live without them!" then pray for relationships to take a back seat and reevaluate how you treasure your Savior. Do you cling to Him or the support group He's given you?
It's been a daily battle, but by praying for a state of hands off, "laissez-faire" if you will, of who or what comes into my life, my gaze is continually being refocused on God, not the wonderful people He graciously placed in my life.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Happy Happy Happy
There has been a smile glued to my face for the past 48 hours. In that time I have cried really ugly tears, hugged really tight, laughed really hard and been in so much gratitude for the life I have to live.
Let me tell you why.
As a human being, I am not wired to think positive, happy thoughts upon a mistake or poor decision I make. In fact, I am a part of the minority of people who simmer on those poor decisions for as long as possible; steeping in my guilt and disappointment. But as a daughter of the King, in midst of these choices, I have learned something so precious and so beautiful. Something that I know I will fall away from again and maybe numerous times over, but it will never leave me.
The dirt of my life can't cover up the faithfulness of my Savior. It can't touch it. They have absolutely nothing in common. His faithfulness, grace, and love for me are SO great, the impurities of my life could never be "too big" for Him. The time spent bashing myself over the head for the way I have lived is time that could be spent running to the WIDE open arms of Jesus.
The suffering has already been done for me. When I choose to mope in my unfaithfulness, and deny my true worth, I am forgetting every thorn, every lash, and those nails that were already bore for me. I am forgetting the suffering of my Savior, because I am choosing to look at my lack instead of looking at His love. See, it's not about me getting better at doing good. It's not all about me being more encouraging, a better giver, a kinder tongue. Newsflash: I'm not EVER going to be "good" enough. Neither are you. It's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. That my life doesn't need to be a cycle of wrong, wrong, promises to never do it again, doing okay for awhile, failing, wrong, more promises, more failing, feeling guilty and undeserving - repeat. The sin and wrongfulness will live inside of me forever, I have to choose to see His faithfulness over it when I fall. I WILL fall. You WILL fall. We all fall. Choose to sit in your sin, beat yourself up about being a "bad Christian", or accept the gift that has been so freely given already- the price has already been paid.
Don't overlook that grace.
Don't miss out on that faithfulness.
"When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But you ran to me and you called my name
There were tears of joy upon your face"
Our guilt and beating ourselves up is not what the Lord desires for us. He died so we can be free from the hold of sin.
And that's why I am smiling today, tomorrow and forever. I don't have to plan my way back to "the good Sash". The way has already been made. The faithfulness of my Savior will forever trump my sinfulness and that's where I am finding my joy today.
Let me tell you why.
As a human being, I am not wired to think positive, happy thoughts upon a mistake or poor decision I make. In fact, I am a part of the minority of people who simmer on those poor decisions for as long as possible; steeping in my guilt and disappointment. But as a daughter of the King, in midst of these choices, I have learned something so precious and so beautiful. Something that I know I will fall away from again and maybe numerous times over, but it will never leave me.
The dirt of my life can't cover up the faithfulness of my Savior. It can't touch it. They have absolutely nothing in common. His faithfulness, grace, and love for me are SO great, the impurities of my life could never be "too big" for Him. The time spent bashing myself over the head for the way I have lived is time that could be spent running to the WIDE open arms of Jesus.
The suffering has already been done for me. When I choose to mope in my unfaithfulness, and deny my true worth, I am forgetting every thorn, every lash, and those nails that were already bore for me. I am forgetting the suffering of my Savior, because I am choosing to look at my lack instead of looking at His love. See, it's not about me getting better at doing good. It's not all about me being more encouraging, a better giver, a kinder tongue. Newsflash: I'm not EVER going to be "good" enough. Neither are you. It's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. That my life doesn't need to be a cycle of wrong, wrong, promises to never do it again, doing okay for awhile, failing, wrong, more promises, more failing, feeling guilty and undeserving - repeat. The sin and wrongfulness will live inside of me forever, I have to choose to see His faithfulness over it when I fall. I WILL fall. You WILL fall. We all fall. Choose to sit in your sin, beat yourself up about being a "bad Christian", or accept the gift that has been so freely given already- the price has already been paid.
Don't overlook that grace.
Don't miss out on that faithfulness.
"When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But you ran to me and you called my name
There were tears of joy upon your face"
Our guilt and beating ourselves up is not what the Lord desires for us. He died so we can be free from the hold of sin.
And that's why I am smiling today, tomorrow and forever. I don't have to plan my way back to "the good Sash". The way has already been made. The faithfulness of my Savior will forever trump my sinfulness and that's where I am finding my joy today.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Hiatus
Maybe I took the last line of my previous post a little too far. "A stagnant life is one I do not desire to live." I didn't get my toes wet, I did a cannonball.
So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?
Absolutely not.
Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.
I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.
So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?
Absolutely not.
Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.
I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.
Thursday, August 29, 2013
Stagnant
The "older" I get, the more I realize my life is incredibly spontaneous, out of order, and somewhat chaotic.. some might even say the choice of pure naiveness. But where I am doesn't interpret WHO I am. The where gives me a template to paint a new picture each time. I crave that. Creating yourself continually in one place (to me) lacks the creativity and ingenuity and a fresh palette of culture and people and scenery to spark your imagination. The same place, gets you the same thing. No matter which way you turn it or flip it. It is the same.
While I do also crave a rooted and grounded life, the one I live right now describes every piece of me. The life I live depicts ME. What does your life depict? What does the life you're living say about you? Mine says that even though I'm a self-proclaimed free spirit, I am down to earth, confident and rigid.
No one likes the process, but the experience of change is what I crave. Meeting an entirely new group of people, living a completely different way than I was just weeks earlier, and waking up every morning to a whole new scene. I know there are much more convenient and typical ways to receive the benefits of the "change process".. aka go on vacation or study abroad. But, I just prefer to LIVE it. I will tell you though, this is likely to be the last stop for quite some time. Austin wins.
..And if I were to stop right now and not go anywhere else but here and let this be the final picture I get to paint with my life, would I be okay with the final product? Would I question whether or not I did enough, said enough, became enough - brought enough glory to the kingdom with this one life I get? I don't ever want to ask that. I don't ever want to feel like I have wasted any of my being here. Not wasted it being stagnant in faith or fearlessness.
A stagnant life is one I desire to not live.
While I do also crave a rooted and grounded life, the one I live right now describes every piece of me. The life I live depicts ME. What does your life depict? What does the life you're living say about you? Mine says that even though I'm a self-proclaimed free spirit, I am down to earth, confident and rigid.
No one likes the process, but the experience of change is what I crave. Meeting an entirely new group of people, living a completely different way than I was just weeks earlier, and waking up every morning to a whole new scene. I know there are much more convenient and typical ways to receive the benefits of the "change process".. aka go on vacation or study abroad. But, I just prefer to LIVE it. I will tell you though, this is likely to be the last stop for quite some time. Austin wins.
..And if I were to stop right now and not go anywhere else but here and let this be the final picture I get to paint with my life, would I be okay with the final product? Would I question whether or not I did enough, said enough, became enough - brought enough glory to the kingdom with this one life I get? I don't ever want to ask that. I don't ever want to feel like I have wasted any of my being here. Not wasted it being stagnant in faith or fearlessness.
A stagnant life is one I desire to not live.
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Not as it seems
Well hello friends.
I am finally coming out from underneath my big long transition/move/life-never-stops-moving-phase. I am still in transition mode, even though life in Texas has been full swing since I got here 2 weeks ago. I haven't really had a whole lot of time to sit and reflect on this most recent opportunity in my life. But I can tell you a few things:
1. It is good.
2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day.
3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared.
4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.
1. It is good. I can't tell you how scary it was to basically go 180 degrees from being a registered student at USF to a resident in Austin again - all in the same month. Scary in the sense that I am human and can only see my palm in front of my face and not the whole picture. But God clearly made a way when I felt like there was NO way. I am so gracious to serve a God who meets my needs - physically, financially and in this case, the need of my heart to be back in the community I belong. The place where I hope to serve for a lot longer. It's good to be home.
2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day. This move has been challenging in a lot more ways than I expected - mainly due to the incredibly quick transition. I was really challenged literally the instant I got here to trust God 110% with everything. I was fighting to control this move and every aspect of it, but God simply needed me to give it over to Him, swallow my pride, ask for a little help, humility and accept the body of Christ that He placed in my path. Can I tell you how good it is to accept gifts from God. Blessing over blessing when we stop trying to fend for ourselves. He is so much bigger than our stinkin pride. Give it up, man.
3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared. Even though the past two weeks have been and over-abundance of provision, (having multiple jobs to pick from, friends all over to love and support me new AND old) I have had a hard time keeping the tunnel vision of my calling, how I got here, and honestly just struggling with being straight up selfish and fleshly, that's a word right?
What I mean is that I have been able to SEE God working and providing in my life and somehow, that just isn't enough for my human mind. I find myself living for Sasha and not out of utter humilty that God would even bless my life as much as He has. Instead, I live like a little PUNK and I expect all the provisions He's given. Gotta check myself, bring it in and realize that I may have wanted to move back here, but G-O-D made it happen. I don't want any part of my life to be questionable, I want it to all be for one purpose: "Know God and make Him known". Simple.
4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.
With all of this being said. I AM SO STINKING THANKFUL! I find myself just driving around with a smile plastered to my face because I am in awe of how seamless this happened, and that I LIVE HERE again! God has taken care of me, given me a community to die for, coworkers, roommates, new friends, old friends, families that would call me one of their own and so much more. I have nothing to complain about. Except that I wish I had more time, but I know life will become routine again and I will get that time to catch up with the supporters I have back in Tampa. I have chills. Man. I have the best of the best people in my life. I wouldn't trade a single one of you.
If you've read this far, and you maybe haven't talked to me in weeks, know this: I LOVE YOU. I am thankful for you. In this season of my life, I have to let some relationships take a backseat, while I get my life here settled. I am realizing that I am not superwoman and I can't take on so much. Most of you don't like the Sash that takes on the world. Be patient, friends.
I am finally coming out from underneath my big long transition/move/life-never-stops-moving-phase. I am still in transition mode, even though life in Texas has been full swing since I got here 2 weeks ago. I haven't really had a whole lot of time to sit and reflect on this most recent opportunity in my life. But I can tell you a few things:
1. It is good.
2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day.
3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared.
4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.
1. It is good. I can't tell you how scary it was to basically go 180 degrees from being a registered student at USF to a resident in Austin again - all in the same month. Scary in the sense that I am human and can only see my palm in front of my face and not the whole picture. But God clearly made a way when I felt like there was NO way. I am so gracious to serve a God who meets my needs - physically, financially and in this case, the need of my heart to be back in the community I belong. The place where I hope to serve for a lot longer. It's good to be home.
2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day. This move has been challenging in a lot more ways than I expected - mainly due to the incredibly quick transition. I was really challenged literally the instant I got here to trust God 110% with everything. I was fighting to control this move and every aspect of it, but God simply needed me to give it over to Him, swallow my pride, ask for a little help, humility and accept the body of Christ that He placed in my path. Can I tell you how good it is to accept gifts from God. Blessing over blessing when we stop trying to fend for ourselves. He is so much bigger than our stinkin pride. Give it up, man.
3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared. Even though the past two weeks have been and over-abundance of provision, (having multiple jobs to pick from, friends all over to love and support me new AND old) I have had a hard time keeping the tunnel vision of my calling, how I got here, and honestly just struggling with being straight up selfish and fleshly, that's a word right?
What I mean is that I have been able to SEE God working and providing in my life and somehow, that just isn't enough for my human mind. I find myself living for Sasha and not out of utter humilty that God would even bless my life as much as He has. Instead, I live like a little PUNK and I expect all the provisions He's given. Gotta check myself, bring it in and realize that I may have wanted to move back here, but G-O-D made it happen. I don't want any part of my life to be questionable, I want it to all be for one purpose: "Know God and make Him known". Simple.
4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.
With all of this being said. I AM SO STINKING THANKFUL! I find myself just driving around with a smile plastered to my face because I am in awe of how seamless this happened, and that I LIVE HERE again! God has taken care of me, given me a community to die for, coworkers, roommates, new friends, old friends, families that would call me one of their own and so much more. I have nothing to complain about. Except that I wish I had more time, but I know life will become routine again and I will get that time to catch up with the supporters I have back in Tampa. I have chills. Man. I have the best of the best people in my life. I wouldn't trade a single one of you.
If you've read this far, and you maybe haven't talked to me in weeks, know this: I LOVE YOU. I am thankful for you. In this season of my life, I have to let some relationships take a backseat, while I get my life here settled. I am realizing that I am not superwoman and I can't take on so much. Most of you don't like the Sash that takes on the world. Be patient, friends.
Thursday, July 18, 2013
SO DANG GOOD
Quick lil tid bit since the last blog post.
YA'LL.
Okay here's the nugget story:
I committed to ATX. Said ehh maybe be there for Christmas. God said, uh no, you go NOW and you trust me to get you there, provide everything you need, and handle all of your human worries.
So I did.
I've got a super rad place to live in East side, I have the ability to transfer my current job PLUS He's given me 4 other options for work when I get there. Like seriously?! HOW does that happen? I was so afraid I would be unemployed entirely and now I get to pick which job I want. GOD IS GOOD. And so so so so stinkin faithful!
My best friend is going to drive with me from Tampa to Austin (bless her heart!).
And my other best friend will be in Austin when I get there.
I have an amazing family and community of friends ready for my return.
My heart is over flowing. Finally leaving my "Egypt" time! ... for all you consistent blog readers.
My last day at lululemon Hyde Park Village is July 28. I leave July 29 for Austin.
I have this Saturday and next Saturday off so if ya wanna see me before I go, let me know.
I know God is writing my story, and He placed ALL of you in my life at the right time. Tampa was not expected, this entire journey has been so blind. But I have the best guide, I know that!
Anyways, without getting too sappy and emotional cause I don't do that well always.. you all know who you are. My biggest supporters, the ones who pushed me even when you just wanted me to stay put. The ones who butted heads with me to break down my barriers and develop me. The friends old and new who made me laugh and feel loved. The people who let me be a part of their life. You let me play a role in some way and I don't take that for granted. Everyone who listened to all my crazy thoughts and ideas and wants and stuck around long enough to see me follow through with one. And to those who kicked me to the curb when I stopped living for pleasing others and started checking goals off my list, thank you for pushing me, when your words were only meant to hinder.
So long Tampa.
I'm going home, and this time I plan on staying put.
Texas, get the hell ready!
YA'LL.
Okay here's the nugget story:
I committed to ATX. Said ehh maybe be there for Christmas. God said, uh no, you go NOW and you trust me to get you there, provide everything you need, and handle all of your human worries.
So I did.
I've got a super rad place to live in East side, I have the ability to transfer my current job PLUS He's given me 4 other options for work when I get there. Like seriously?! HOW does that happen? I was so afraid I would be unemployed entirely and now I get to pick which job I want. GOD IS GOOD. And so so so so stinkin faithful!
My best friend is going to drive with me from Tampa to Austin (bless her heart!).
And my other best friend will be in Austin when I get there.
I have an amazing family and community of friends ready for my return.
My heart is over flowing. Finally leaving my "Egypt" time! ... for all you consistent blog readers.
My last day at lululemon Hyde Park Village is July 28. I leave July 29 for Austin.
I have this Saturday and next Saturday off so if ya wanna see me before I go, let me know.
I know God is writing my story, and He placed ALL of you in my life at the right time. Tampa was not expected, this entire journey has been so blind. But I have the best guide, I know that!
Anyways, without getting too sappy and emotional cause I don't do that well always.. you all know who you are. My biggest supporters, the ones who pushed me even when you just wanted me to stay put. The ones who butted heads with me to break down my barriers and develop me. The friends old and new who made me laugh and feel loved. The people who let me be a part of their life. You let me play a role in some way and I don't take that for granted. Everyone who listened to all my crazy thoughts and ideas and wants and stuck around long enough to see me follow through with one. And to those who kicked me to the curb when I stopped living for pleasing others and started checking goals off my list, thank you for pushing me, when your words were only meant to hinder.
So long Tampa.
I'm going home, and this time I plan on staying put.
Texas, get the hell ready!
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Purpose
For me the word purpose is far to close to proposal. And right now I would have thought that p-word would have already happened for me. God has a great sense of humor. Actually, God just has a great plan. I'm so very thankful all the "I thought I wanted this to happen by nows" haven't come to fruition. Praise God I'm not steering this ship.
Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. Mainly because I haven't been in a place to share. Some of the things taking place in my life HAVE been share worthy, but some people ruined that for the rest of you, so I have kept lots more to myself. The ones who DO know the current events in my life, thank you for non-judgement and support even if you don't understand entirely. I am incredibly grateful. God placed you all in my life to get me through when He knows a lot of people wouldn't even try to "get it".
The rest of this post is mainly to connect the dots for some of you. The easier way for me to do that isn't always verbal or 100% through writing. I've been coming across some of those great motivational pictures and quotes lately, adding them to a folder and later reading them all over. Many of them piece together the story that has become my life or parts of it. With each one is an explanation of why it fits right now.
"You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you just dare to jump."
This quote can wrap most of me up in a nutshell. Many of you know me as spontaneous sash. If you've known me longer than a month you've probably said, wait where are you going this weekend?!
I have a tendency to go. Anywhere and everywhere. The not knowing drives me, where in most people it scares them. I can only do so resting in Gods provision. I think in the past 6 months though, I lost sight of that. I lost my knack for going, doing and being. I slipped back into that comfort zone that I so feared before. I started to live for others. I started to live to fix things, places and people. But you can't live a moment this way. It's not living, it's misery. People places and things were not meant to be fixed. They were meant to be, and then be enjoyed, savored.
And fast forward to now. Realizing I can't fix things. I'm going to simply praise God by living. I am not the fixer, healer, or mender, God is. I need to trust Him with every aspect of my life, even if it means that my life looks like a giant circle to people, I just have to trust. It's not a circle or a loop, it's the path He needed me to take to learn to trust whole heartedly. There are going to be people who are going to be very angry with me, people who are very hurt by this, and that is hard for me to manage, but I have to go where He has placed my heart and my passions. I can't stay for selfish reasons or for others. I tried. It doesn't work.
With this being said, the image on intuition seems fitting. Gut feelings were created by God, not man. I've gone against these many times. I've gone with them sometimes dragging my heels. In the end, the gut feeling is great. Learn to accept it.
The amazing moments in life. When I came across this photo for the first time I had a big smile on my face. Those things all make me warm and cozy inside. It quickly faded as I realized many of these moments were either missing from my life or not being recognized; I wasn't present for them. When I reread numbers 8 and 9, I think it was in that moment I wanted to change how I was making my decisions in life. I no longer wanted to allow myself to stifle feelings or passions. I no longer wanted to spend time on anyone else's agenda for my life. And I couldn't even meet my own standards for myself, I failed my own expectations and I was over it.
Many of you might be wondering how any of these are true. How are my passions stifled? Aren't I doing what I love? Technically, yes.
I could continue to do "life" just like I've been doing it since February. I could continue to grow and develop into what might be an awesome leader and coach. But instead, I want to take a few steps in the other direction. Follow my steps back to exactly where I was one year ago. Relive the struggle and confusion as I tried so desperately on my own to make my life pan out "the way I planned". I was failing at the life I had planned out and I couldn't stand it. So I gave up. And now what has God placed on my heart? The strength to go back with absolutely nothing and trust He will provide. The humility to allow the body of Christ to be there for me. The joy to accept the fact that I will never succeed in meeting all of the needs around me, and it's ok, it's not failing. The stillness that I can present my life as purely as possible to those around me and not worry how they interpret or perceive it. If there's an issue with my living, then you might have an issue with my God, not just me. I'm going to trust and follow Him with everything I have.
This has been a pride issue. A big nasty pride issue. But let's face it guys, I'm just as human as the rest of this planet. Sometimes we go in circles, sometimes we go backwards, but when I have Christ leading, neither seems like a bad thing.
Understand that my leaving again has nothing to do with a job or family or friends. It's a heart thing. If you can understand that or even if you can't, I hope you can support me and lift my continuing journey up in prayer. Gods providing every single day, every step of the way.
Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. Mainly because I haven't been in a place to share. Some of the things taking place in my life HAVE been share worthy, but some people ruined that for the rest of you, so I have kept lots more to myself. The ones who DO know the current events in my life, thank you for non-judgement and support even if you don't understand entirely. I am incredibly grateful. God placed you all in my life to get me through when He knows a lot of people wouldn't even try to "get it".
The rest of this post is mainly to connect the dots for some of you. The easier way for me to do that isn't always verbal or 100% through writing. I've been coming across some of those great motivational pictures and quotes lately, adding them to a folder and later reading them all over. Many of them piece together the story that has become my life or parts of it. With each one is an explanation of why it fits right now.
"You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you just dare to jump."
This quote can wrap most of me up in a nutshell. Many of you know me as spontaneous sash. If you've known me longer than a month you've probably said, wait where are you going this weekend?!
I have a tendency to go. Anywhere and everywhere. The not knowing drives me, where in most people it scares them. I can only do so resting in Gods provision. I think in the past 6 months though, I lost sight of that. I lost my knack for going, doing and being. I slipped back into that comfort zone that I so feared before. I started to live for others. I started to live to fix things, places and people. But you can't live a moment this way. It's not living, it's misery. People places and things were not meant to be fixed. They were meant to be, and then be enjoyed, savored.
And fast forward to now. Realizing I can't fix things. I'm going to simply praise God by living. I am not the fixer, healer, or mender, God is. I need to trust Him with every aspect of my life, even if it means that my life looks like a giant circle to people, I just have to trust. It's not a circle or a loop, it's the path He needed me to take to learn to trust whole heartedly. There are going to be people who are going to be very angry with me, people who are very hurt by this, and that is hard for me to manage, but I have to go where He has placed my heart and my passions. I can't stay for selfish reasons or for others. I tried. It doesn't work.
With this being said, the image on intuition seems fitting. Gut feelings were created by God, not man. I've gone against these many times. I've gone with them sometimes dragging my heels. In the end, the gut feeling is great. Learn to accept it.
The amazing moments in life. When I came across this photo for the first time I had a big smile on my face. Those things all make me warm and cozy inside. It quickly faded as I realized many of these moments were either missing from my life or not being recognized; I wasn't present for them. When I reread numbers 8 and 9, I think it was in that moment I wanted to change how I was making my decisions in life. I no longer wanted to allow myself to stifle feelings or passions. I no longer wanted to spend time on anyone else's agenda for my life. And I couldn't even meet my own standards for myself, I failed my own expectations and I was over it.
Many of you might be wondering how any of these are true. How are my passions stifled? Aren't I doing what I love? Technically, yes.
I could continue to do "life" just like I've been doing it since February. I could continue to grow and develop into what might be an awesome leader and coach. But instead, I want to take a few steps in the other direction. Follow my steps back to exactly where I was one year ago. Relive the struggle and confusion as I tried so desperately on my own to make my life pan out "the way I planned". I was failing at the life I had planned out and I couldn't stand it. So I gave up. And now what has God placed on my heart? The strength to go back with absolutely nothing and trust He will provide. The humility to allow the body of Christ to be there for me. The joy to accept the fact that I will never succeed in meeting all of the needs around me, and it's ok, it's not failing. The stillness that I can present my life as purely as possible to those around me and not worry how they interpret or perceive it. If there's an issue with my living, then you might have an issue with my God, not just me. I'm going to trust and follow Him with everything I have.
This has been a pride issue. A big nasty pride issue. But let's face it guys, I'm just as human as the rest of this planet. Sometimes we go in circles, sometimes we go backwards, but when I have Christ leading, neither seems like a bad thing.
Understand that my leaving again has nothing to do with a job or family or friends. It's a heart thing. If you can understand that or even if you can't, I hope you can support me and lift my continuing journey up in prayer. Gods providing every single day, every step of the way.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Look under the ugly rocks
Sometimes I come bursting with ideas to write about and yet no where to start. When this happens, like today, I make catchy titles and try to make it work. If I got one thing out of public school, it was how to write a "hook", the grabber, attention getter etc. Yay?
I am certain that whether you know this or not, or look at it similarly to how I do, you have ugly rocks in your life. Ya know, the eyes sores. The gross moss and mold covered stones that you not only walk around, you don't dare turn them over. These are ugly rocks.
Ugly rocks come in every shape, size, weight and width, and they don't follow any scheme or pattern as to when and where they will emerge along your walk. These ugly rocks represent a lot more than just "life's trials". They could be people, jobs, injuries, broken relationships, unmet needs, opportunities in disguise, future best friends, or new destinations. See these ugly rocks can be pretty facetious (okay I lied, I learned that word in public school too). They can be so deceiving that whether good, bad, or indifferent, we pay no mind to them. In our society, we have been trained (brain washed) to walk by ugly rocks. If it doesn't glisten, sparkle, and catch your eye, it's not worth your time. You missed out on a conversation at a cafe because you were too busy rolling your eyes at a woman and her screaming child, and it could have introduced you to her husband who just so happens to be the CEO of your dream company. You find yourself signing up for cruises on someone else's schedule, when your soul aches to care for sweet orphans in the Philippines but let's face it, cruises are just "easier" to do. Let's not forget walking by the stone that is covering a big fat awful failure of yours. You'll turn that stone over one day and make a smooth flat rock, but not today, you have things to do.
You have things to do, people to impress, interviews to tackle, new relationships to create, vacations to plan, picket fences to live behind, secrets to sweep under the rug, failures to not face, family to avoid and that's just today. So God forbid you take time to look at a stinkin rock, when you have ALL of that to juggle. I mean forgetting failures is way easier than facing them, right?
I can't toot my own horn here either. I just realize this issue of mine and see it on a way bigger scale than I think most do. Maybe it's not worthy of such a big scale, but here's my soap box spin on things anyways.
If I had only taken the good looking pavers in my life and never flipped over a nasty ugly rock, I would have graduated with a bachelor's degree from USF in Education 2 weeks ago. But Sasha! How is that bad?!
Ideally, it's not. Degrees are great.
But I chose to flip over a rock called ""NOT-norm"" and then another called "courage" and finally "independence". What did I get? A two year adventure that landed me right back where I left, really. AHA! See Sasha, flipped stones is overrated. NO, no. Let me finish. See, what I learned and experienced in those two years, a bachelor's degree can't even touch. Finding out what I'm passionate about (which ISN'T education), finding out who I am, discovering friendships all over the globe, jobs I never would have imagined and a mind I never thought I could change SO freaking much. All because I decided to give that little ugly rock a glance.
I'm not saying you should search and conquer every ugly rock in your life, but maybe just be open to the idea for next time. Sometimes ugly rocks won't end up pretty on the other side. Ugly rocks can host ugly things too. Can't say you didn't try though.
Just remember, the more ugly rocks you leave unturned, the more likely you are to fall. Ugly, mossy rocks are real slippery yall.
I am certain that whether you know this or not, or look at it similarly to how I do, you have ugly rocks in your life. Ya know, the eyes sores. The gross moss and mold covered stones that you not only walk around, you don't dare turn them over. These are ugly rocks.
Ugly rocks come in every shape, size, weight and width, and they don't follow any scheme or pattern as to when and where they will emerge along your walk. These ugly rocks represent a lot more than just "life's trials". They could be people, jobs, injuries, broken relationships, unmet needs, opportunities in disguise, future best friends, or new destinations. See these ugly rocks can be pretty facetious (okay I lied, I learned that word in public school too). They can be so deceiving that whether good, bad, or indifferent, we pay no mind to them. In our society, we have been trained (brain washed) to walk by ugly rocks. If it doesn't glisten, sparkle, and catch your eye, it's not worth your time. You missed out on a conversation at a cafe because you were too busy rolling your eyes at a woman and her screaming child, and it could have introduced you to her husband who just so happens to be the CEO of your dream company. You find yourself signing up for cruises on someone else's schedule, when your soul aches to care for sweet orphans in the Philippines but let's face it, cruises are just "easier" to do. Let's not forget walking by the stone that is covering a big fat awful failure of yours. You'll turn that stone over one day and make a smooth flat rock, but not today, you have things to do.
You have things to do, people to impress, interviews to tackle, new relationships to create, vacations to plan, picket fences to live behind, secrets to sweep under the rug, failures to not face, family to avoid and that's just today. So God forbid you take time to look at a stinkin rock, when you have ALL of that to juggle. I mean forgetting failures is way easier than facing them, right?
I can't toot my own horn here either. I just realize this issue of mine and see it on a way bigger scale than I think most do. Maybe it's not worthy of such a big scale, but here's my soap box spin on things anyways.
If I had only taken the good looking pavers in my life and never flipped over a nasty ugly rock, I would have graduated with a bachelor's degree from USF in Education 2 weeks ago. But Sasha! How is that bad?!
Ideally, it's not. Degrees are great.
But I chose to flip over a rock called ""NOT-norm"" and then another called "courage" and finally "independence". What did I get? A two year adventure that landed me right back where I left, really. AHA! See Sasha, flipped stones is overrated. NO, no. Let me finish. See, what I learned and experienced in those two years, a bachelor's degree can't even touch. Finding out what I'm passionate about (which ISN'T education), finding out who I am, discovering friendships all over the globe, jobs I never would have imagined and a mind I never thought I could change SO freaking much. All because I decided to give that little ugly rock a glance.
I'm not saying you should search and conquer every ugly rock in your life, but maybe just be open to the idea for next time. Sometimes ugly rocks won't end up pretty on the other side. Ugly rocks can host ugly things too. Can't say you didn't try though.
Just remember, the more ugly rocks you leave unturned, the more likely you are to fall. Ugly, mossy rocks are real slippery yall.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Fala ingles?
Before you read the actual blog I wrote, I think this needs to come first:
People tell me all the time that they wish they could do what I do and just "go" like that. Everyone has the tendency to crave adventure and exploration, some just choose to starve that craving. Some find outlets elsewhere and some are literally miserable doing so.
Don't underestimate how big your heart can be. Step outside the cubicle of life we've all created for ourselves and see what truly makes you tick. If you're already doing what makes you tick, hell yeah! If not...why?!
I firmly believe my purpose on earth is to know God and to make Him known. I also believe I would be falsely representing Him if I caged up my natural desires He placed in my heart and chose to live a life of "contentment". He died so I could live much greater; a life that, yes, brings happiness to me, but also joy to those I encounter. Genuine joy. To me, that's how I want to resemble Christ. I want to genuinely show others my happiness and tell them who I got it from.
This blog is one that will raise more questions and concerns than any I've ever written. I typically stick to sharing things I'm passionate about or just updates on my latest city or life change. This blog is going to get more eye rolls than usual. I know I have a reputation to just do things and not think about them. But as I sit on this plane back to the the states, my eyes are filled with tears. I wrote once about how Austin made me feel 100% me. This past week could put that to shame.
Within 24 hours of being in Europe, I was in denial. "This is overrated. The feeling will go away. You can't even speak to these people."
By day two I knew I had fallen really hard. I knew this was much different than any of my "gut feeling" moves I've made in the past two years. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I literally couldn't hold conversations with half of the people I met, I was tired and my feet were blistered and sore from walking everywhere. But I had a tickling realization that this is where I would end up.
Fast forward to Spain and the bucket has completely inverted and drenched me. I'm all in. The thought of leaving made me sick. I know this sounds dramatic, especially for me. But it did, I didn't want to think of leaving. In fact, I instantly decided I wouldn't wait for my chance at Europe again. I was going to live here no matter what.
I craved to learn their language, I craved to spend every second with these people and learn about their lives. The fact that I had to leave felt like I had just shown up to my own surprise party, but I had to leave five minutes in- no candles blown out, no presents unwrapped.
Just no good.
Sasha, what the hell are you talking about..?
Friends, I have a crazy, big, wild heart and most of you know that. I'm as free as a leaf in the wind. I do things different than most people, but I'm happy. I do these things alone, but I'm not lonely, I have friends all over the globe. I can't imagine my life any other way. I can't imagine spending the past two years in a classroom, not meeting the people I've met, not seeing so much creation, and not living in full gratitude for every possibility in my life. God wired me a little different. I can't put Him in a box by taming what im passionate about--just because the norm is to be a degree holder with a 9-5 and bliss on the weekends. Pass.
So what's on my agenda exactly?
I'm finding my way to europe for at least the summer. If you'd like to help or have any ideas, let me know. I plan on taking in the au pair role again.
I'm going to start learning Catalan/Spanish and then Portuguese and Italian.
Long term? I want to open a CrossFit gym somewhere in Europe, preferably on the coast of Portugal, Spain or Italy.
Chuckle away. I know it's a hefty goal, but why tell you just a petty one when my brain dreams big?
If I had never visited Europe, I wouldn't know what I was missing, which is okay. But I do know, and I'm doing something about it.
What are you doing?
People tell me all the time that they wish they could do what I do and just "go" like that. Everyone has the tendency to crave adventure and exploration, some just choose to starve that craving. Some find outlets elsewhere and some are literally miserable doing so.
Don't underestimate how big your heart can be. Step outside the cubicle of life we've all created for ourselves and see what truly makes you tick. If you're already doing what makes you tick, hell yeah! If not...why?!
I firmly believe my purpose on earth is to know God and to make Him known. I also believe I would be falsely representing Him if I caged up my natural desires He placed in my heart and chose to live a life of "contentment". He died so I could live much greater; a life that, yes, brings happiness to me, but also joy to those I encounter. Genuine joy. To me, that's how I want to resemble Christ. I want to genuinely show others my happiness and tell them who I got it from.
This blog is one that will raise more questions and concerns than any I've ever written. I typically stick to sharing things I'm passionate about or just updates on my latest city or life change. This blog is going to get more eye rolls than usual. I know I have a reputation to just do things and not think about them. But as I sit on this plane back to the the states, my eyes are filled with tears. I wrote once about how Austin made me feel 100% me. This past week could put that to shame.
Within 24 hours of being in Europe, I was in denial. "This is overrated. The feeling will go away. You can't even speak to these people."
By day two I knew I had fallen really hard. I knew this was much different than any of my "gut feeling" moves I've made in the past two years. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I literally couldn't hold conversations with half of the people I met, I was tired and my feet were blistered and sore from walking everywhere. But I had a tickling realization that this is where I would end up.
Fast forward to Spain and the bucket has completely inverted and drenched me. I'm all in. The thought of leaving made me sick. I know this sounds dramatic, especially for me. But it did, I didn't want to think of leaving. In fact, I instantly decided I wouldn't wait for my chance at Europe again. I was going to live here no matter what.
I craved to learn their language, I craved to spend every second with these people and learn about their lives. The fact that I had to leave felt like I had just shown up to my own surprise party, but I had to leave five minutes in- no candles blown out, no presents unwrapped.
Just no good.
Sasha, what the hell are you talking about..?
Friends, I have a crazy, big, wild heart and most of you know that. I'm as free as a leaf in the wind. I do things different than most people, but I'm happy. I do these things alone, but I'm not lonely, I have friends all over the globe. I can't imagine my life any other way. I can't imagine spending the past two years in a classroom, not meeting the people I've met, not seeing so much creation, and not living in full gratitude for every possibility in my life. God wired me a little different. I can't put Him in a box by taming what im passionate about--just because the norm is to be a degree holder with a 9-5 and bliss on the weekends. Pass.
So what's on my agenda exactly?
I'm finding my way to europe for at least the summer. If you'd like to help or have any ideas, let me know. I plan on taking in the au pair role again.
I'm going to start learning Catalan/Spanish and then Portuguese and Italian.
Long term? I want to open a CrossFit gym somewhere in Europe, preferably on the coast of Portugal, Spain or Italy.
Chuckle away. I know it's a hefty goal, but why tell you just a petty one when my brain dreams big?
If I had never visited Europe, I wouldn't know what I was missing, which is okay. But I do know, and I'm doing something about it.
What are you doing?
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Borrowed Nuggets
For the past ten or fifteen days, there have been songs and phrases that I have encountered over and over again - some by choice and some just by being in the right place at the right time.
I have over saturated my brain by replaying the music and reading the words over again, saying the words over again, and then a third time writing the words down.
Part of me is dying to share them with you, but also to keep them to myself. For if you know what these phrases and words are, then you can create assumptions on what they mean, who they refer to and how they have effected me.
But that is seriously silly.
"Be daring, be fearless, and don't be afraid that somebody is going to criticize you or laugh at you. If your ego is not involved, no one can hurt you."
If I have taken anything from the flow of inspiration and thoughts this past week, it's not that I am going to live like there's no tomorrow, but love like I'm on borrowed time.
Okay.
But..What does that even mean.. how do we love like we're on borrowed time?
I'll be honest, I have no idea. But everyday is my chance to discover what that means. The five minutes you have an encounter with that sales clerk are NOT your five minutes, someone gave you that time. Are you going to roll your eyes at her and wonder why she's taking so long - or will you go the extra mile to make a conversation, smile at her and maybe be the only shred of light she sees that whole hour, or day or maybe in her entire week.
I used to (and still do) take little moments like this for granted. But something clicked. And recently I was able to be more aware and present of the people and the love in my own life. I realized how many people had given ME some of their borrowed time. They loved on me. Not out of duty, not out of repayment, but simply out of love and the fact that they care about me.
You make think that's simple, but man it is a humbling epiphany for me. It's the most warming feeling to realize, yeah maybe only two minutes of their time.. But they chose to bring happiness, knowledge, wisdom, laughter, feedback and themselves to me. That's something I can save for a rainy day.
Now go back up to that paragraph. Read it again. "I realized how many people had given ME some of their borrowed time." Does this not blow your mind? Does this not humble you? If it doesn't, I sincerely suggest you start smiling at ever darn person you see for the next 24 hours. Before you know it, you'll be smiling because it feels good. Your entire demeanor will change.
You'll be so present at the grocery store it freaks you out. Heck, you might even have an encounter with a complete stranger. Are you willing to give them some of your borrowed time?
If you made it this far, I'm gonna share some of the inspiration now..
I want to be in "relentless pursuit of the unreasonable"
I want to encompass "the belief that anything is possible"
I want to be in complete favor of "the rejection of arbitrary rules created by other people"
"Ask for forgiveness, not permission."
"You are responsible for yourself and everything you do or become - you're in charge!"
I have over saturated my brain by replaying the music and reading the words over again, saying the words over again, and then a third time writing the words down.
Part of me is dying to share them with you, but also to keep them to myself. For if you know what these phrases and words are, then you can create assumptions on what they mean, who they refer to and how they have effected me.
But that is seriously silly.
"Be daring, be fearless, and don't be afraid that somebody is going to criticize you or laugh at you. If your ego is not involved, no one can hurt you."
If I have taken anything from the flow of inspiration and thoughts this past week, it's not that I am going to live like there's no tomorrow, but love like I'm on borrowed time.
Okay.
But..What does that even mean.. how do we love like we're on borrowed time?
I'll be honest, I have no idea. But everyday is my chance to discover what that means. The five minutes you have an encounter with that sales clerk are NOT your five minutes, someone gave you that time. Are you going to roll your eyes at her and wonder why she's taking so long - or will you go the extra mile to make a conversation, smile at her and maybe be the only shred of light she sees that whole hour, or day or maybe in her entire week.
I used to (and still do) take little moments like this for granted. But something clicked. And recently I was able to be more aware and present of the people and the love in my own life. I realized how many people had given ME some of their borrowed time. They loved on me. Not out of duty, not out of repayment, but simply out of love and the fact that they care about me.
You make think that's simple, but man it is a humbling epiphany for me. It's the most warming feeling to realize, yeah maybe only two minutes of their time.. But they chose to bring happiness, knowledge, wisdom, laughter, feedback and themselves to me. That's something I can save for a rainy day.
Now go back up to that paragraph. Read it again. "I realized how many people had given ME some of their borrowed time." Does this not blow your mind? Does this not humble you? If it doesn't, I sincerely suggest you start smiling at ever darn person you see for the next 24 hours. Before you know it, you'll be smiling because it feels good. Your entire demeanor will change.
You'll be so present at the grocery store it freaks you out. Heck, you might even have an encounter with a complete stranger. Are you willing to give them some of your borrowed time?
If you made it this far, I'm gonna share some of the inspiration now..
I want to be in "relentless pursuit of the unreasonable"
I want to encompass "the belief that anything is possible"
I want to be in complete favor of "the rejection of arbitrary rules created by other people"
"Ask for forgiveness, not permission."
"You are responsible for yourself and everything you do or become - you're in charge!"
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
We need prayer.
I know my last blog was incredibly happy, but right now my heart is heavy.
I have been blessed to be apart of a loving family in South Florida for the past 5 months. They have 3 children - the eldest is their biological, the middle was adopted at age 5, and the youngest was adopted as an infant. Amazing parents. They have taught me tons.
I am writing to you all tonight to bring awareness and ask for prayers. This family was prepared for everything. They read every book on "adopting the older child" the informed themselves, but ultimately didn't think it would be their child. They were wrong. Their middle son, a teen, now has attachment, behavioral, and defiance issues to start with and all the medical stuff behind it. This family has given everything for him to be successful. Done everything in their power to help him. He chooses to break their hearts and hurt them and himself.
Tonight I sit downstairs as sheriffs filter in and out of our house. Tears come to my eyes as I wonder how these parents must feel. They have poured their soul into a son who won't even claim them as parents. My heart hurts.
Please, please keep this family in your prayers. They are out of options. They are exhausted and hurting. We are all praying, pray with us.
My plug for this blog is also this: there are thousands of children that needs homes. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until they have been neglected in that orphanage for so long their heart is so incredibly hardened. I know the adoptive processes are long and draining. But if God has given you the heart for an orphan, don't wait another second. If this boy had been loved and held when he was an infant, who knows who he would be right now. I don't think he'd be sitting in the back of a police car though.
I have been blessed to be apart of a loving family in South Florida for the past 5 months. They have 3 children - the eldest is their biological, the middle was adopted at age 5, and the youngest was adopted as an infant. Amazing parents. They have taught me tons.
I am writing to you all tonight to bring awareness and ask for prayers. This family was prepared for everything. They read every book on "adopting the older child" the informed themselves, but ultimately didn't think it would be their child. They were wrong. Their middle son, a teen, now has attachment, behavioral, and defiance issues to start with and all the medical stuff behind it. This family has given everything for him to be successful. Done everything in their power to help him. He chooses to break their hearts and hurt them and himself.
Tonight I sit downstairs as sheriffs filter in and out of our house. Tears come to my eyes as I wonder how these parents must feel. They have poured their soul into a son who won't even claim them as parents. My heart hurts.
Please, please keep this family in your prayers. They are out of options. They are exhausted and hurting. We are all praying, pray with us.
My plug for this blog is also this: there are thousands of children that needs homes. Don't wait until it's too late. Don't wait until they have been neglected in that orphanage for so long their heart is so incredibly hardened. I know the adoptive processes are long and draining. But if God has given you the heart for an orphan, don't wait another second. If this boy had been loved and held when he was an infant, who knows who he would be right now. I don't think he'd be sitting in the back of a police car though.
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
WARNING: Rainbows and Unicorns!
Seriously though, if you are in any kind of sour mood DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER. Continue in your sulking, because the next few paragraphs will only bring out the devil in you. Just kidding. But really, I am just on a super happiness high AND this blog is going to vomit rainbows and cheer and marshmallows EVERYWHERE. You have been warned, friend.
WHYAMISOHAPPYEH?
Because I have finally scaled the metaphorical "wall" of GARBAGE that has been plaguing my life for the past two stinkin years. PRAISE DA LORD.
And I honestly wasn't doing anything to get there. I mean I sorta was, but not like planning on this happening RIGHT NOW, it just did. God has seriously been working on my heart for years. I have been really stubborn, cold and prideful, and I knew it, I just didn't act on it whatsoever. So to be in this place right now is almost unreal. I know it's me and I know it IS real, but I can still feel the me from 2 years ago. I remember my thoughts and emotions and feelings and the who and what and why I felt that way... but today I am a 180. Well, more like a 175, I haven't completely perfected and turned around. I have off days like anyone else, but MAN OH MAN. Being here is GOOD.
There's a part of me, a very, little part, that is sneering and laughing at this post entirely. Telling me that I WILL fall back. That I remember the girl I was 2 years ago because I will feel that way again. That the depression will come back. That the pride will never "really" go away. And that this happiness isn't real. For me today, I am choosing to shut that little, stupid voice out. It's simply the devil. He plans to seep in the smallest parts of me and in turn be present in all of me. He plans to eat my stinkin lunch. He plans to steal my joy. I let him steal PURE joy from me many a times in the past 2 years. But no more. The struggle will continue, but I choose joy.
It is my prayer that whoever you are, you can choose joy. I know it wasn't easy to choose joy on the path towards today and I know in the future it won't get any easier. I haven't been here in a long time, but it is overwhelmingly refreshing. And I hope it is not interpreted as boasting about my conquering of my past and living in happiness - that is not the case. But I honestly want everyone I encounter to be contagiously effected by me. Not jealous of me, not turned off by me, but contaminated with JOY! :)
ALSO...
If you haven't figured it out already, I AM COMING HOME! (for 6-8 months at least). And not by force, by choice. Who'da thunk!?
..See you soon 813
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