Despite the Title..

This blog is about fear.
Fear of the future. (Do you see the blog trend? hmm)

I am not coming from a place of wisdom or hindsight in writing this, know that. I am just putting my thoughts here, in hopes that maybe I can make sense of them by being able to see them.. or just read this one day down the road and realize how ridiculous this all was. 

If you were to ask me today or two months ago or even two years ago what my driving force was, really, honestly what truly pushed me and was the reason behind 99.9% of my decisions here's the answers you'd get:

"Jesus Christ. Knowing Him and making Him known." 

Then, I'd be honest and say.. Well, if 99.9% of my decisions were Christ driven, then I'm pretty sure my decisions would look a little different.
SO, back to square one.. I guess I could say my decisions are based out of desire, spontaneity and fear.. With a foundation that roots back to scripture, high moral standards, and being raised in the South. #JustBeingHonest (I'm not perfect, and I'm okay with that.) 

And recently, HOLY CRAP desire and fear have been like colliding like crazy. Along with prayers and random thoughts and day dreams. My brain just doesn't turn off. 

SOME DAYS.. This is on my brain:

FLORIDA! 

HOME! 

USF! 

RAYS! 

FAMILY! 

FRIENDS!

TREE! 

BEACH!

HOME!

ROOTS!

BAYSHORE!

DATZ!

BULL!

VV!

YBOR!

HOME!

And THEN some days are like THIS:I'M TEXAN NOW! 

Mainly, Texas has been such a blessing, it hurts to think about leaving. But at the same time, it hurts to feel like I'm missing life back home. I start to question WHY and HOW the heck I got here.. then I realize I GOT here through prayer and the Lord's will. And everyday He keeps me here is still His will. I have had no control over any of this. Heck, I moved here with the "plan" to nanny for a year, gain my residency, save money and then go to UTSA. Here's what actually happened: Nannied, moved out, crossfit cert, broke as a joke, plans to go to UT, move to Austin, fall in love with TAMU. 

As I plan to visit home in a few days, I'm feeling SO torn on head and heart issues. They aren't on the same page. The Lord will totally deliver His will, open doors, closed doors or whatever needs be on HIS time. I jst need that constant reminder that everything is going EXACTLY as planned, at all times. Even when I can't see the good in any of it, it's the plan, with purpose. 

ANYWHO! Some legit verses on the future :)

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Psalm 37:37

Consider the blameless, observe the upright; there is a future for the man of peace.

Proverbs 23:17-19

Do not let your heart envy sinners, but always be zealous for the fear of the LORD. There is surely a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off. Listen, my son, and be wise, and keep your heart on the right path.

Ecclesiastes 7:14

When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider: God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore, a man cannot discover anything about his future.

Please don't hate me

and this is NOT in stone...

..but I'm coming home.

Yes, Austin is my favorite city, EVER.
Yes, I ADORE Texas.
Yes, I want to graduate here.
Yes, I want to stay and live here forever.
and Yes, you guessed, the Lord and my heart have different plans than I did.

See, if it were up to my lil brain to decide. I'd probably stay. I know I'd stay. I'd stay at LOFT, I'd keep coaching, I'd get some school in, I'd be a broke college student, I'd be in the place Sasha wanted to be. But I can't do that. I can't make it. I'm exhausted, broke, stressed, and I miss the love from Florida.

I needed to come here an experience this.. absolutely.
But I have. I did.. and now it's my time to finish everything I have ever started, before I start one more thing here. (As much as I hate that, it's true)
Almost every part of me wants to stay and transfer to TAMU or UT and live the Texan life. But my gut tells me I just can't do that. I can't ignore everything I left.

I can come back. I can make this home one day maybe. I can make it my get away, whatever.
But a Florida girl can only be so far from the shore 'til her heart starts to hurt. (And she runs out of money and really misses the beach and Datz and Cuban food and linedancing ((comeon Texas, no linedancing?!)) and her friends and itty bitty Plant City).


Sorry, Texas, it's been amazing, but this girls got to start her exit plan.

Now, before you all freak out on me, I said this is NOT in stone. I have a lot more prayers and seeking to do before any planning occurs. And in that time, I'd ask that YOU pray for God's will to be done. I don't want to do anything out of homesickness or stress.

It's all good

“I realized that the deepest spiritual lessons are not learned by His letting us have our way in the end, but by His making us wait, bearing with us in love and patience until we are able to honestly to pray what He taught His disciples to pray: Thy will be done.”
-Elisabeth Elliot

Tonight at Austin Stone, the message series on Joseph continued. Genesis 37 and 39 follow the story of Joseph being betrayed and sold and tempted and all along his obedience to Christ was present. Suffering was present as well. Was God faithful to Joseph? Of course.
Genesis 38? Total left field. Judah. Disobedience. Suffering. Death. Suffering. Death. Immorality. Lying. 
Obedience? Not present. Suffering? Present. Was God faithful to Judah? Yup. He was a noted forefather of the Messiah and the great grandson of Abraham. Chapter 38 had to happen before Jesus happened. 

If Jesus' lineage was perfect and didn't come from some mess like Gen 38, then He would be a perfect man here to save perfect people. But that's not the case, He is perfect, but came from a lineage that was imperfect.. just like those He came to save. 

Whether chapter 37, 38, or 39... God's sovereignty is present. The suffering occurred to prove in the end His grace and mercy are always present and in turn focus back to worshipping Him. 

Suffering SUCKS. It really does. But if life was peaches and cream.. Raise at work, heavier lifts at the gym, healthy family, no debt, great weather, just scored free tickets to see Josh Turner.. would our initial thought be, "I NEED GOD!" Nope. Because we think we have it all!

But tables turn and we need a job, just gained 15 pounds from stress, kids have strep, overwhelmed with debt, hurricane on its way and always getting stuck in predicaments.. we CRY to God don't we? We practically scream at the top of our lungs for help.

Isn't that what chapter 38 seems to be? The wakeup call to come back to God. To scream for Him at the top of our lungs. To be reminded that we need Him more than just on Easter and Sundays.

We aren't put through suffering because God is mean and powerful and wants to see us suffer. Suffering shows us His grace. Suffering leads us to worship. 

God's purpose will come to be whether we are disciples or the prodigal son. His grace abounds in all seasons of life. 

I suffer now because I know, later, His plan will make more sense than this moment that might be rough. 

If I didn't suffer, I wouldn't need a savior. 

If I didn't have a savior, my life wouldn't have a purpose. 

This message could have been really hard to accept, and it still is. However, when pastor finished and the band got up to play.. I couldn't stop smiling. After being taught on suffering? Yeah.

I was filled with the contentment of knowing (even though I already 'knew') that the junk of my life right now is to prove His grace over my life. To lead me to worship. The junk I was worrying about before church, is part of a plan to show me grace and lead me to worshipping my savior. 

[And that's my sole purpose.]

There's so much more.

Instead of letting something eat away at me, I blog about it :)
Temporary fix.


I have this song on repeat (do listen!)
"I don't have to fear anything.
Because Your love makes it worth it all.
And I can so willingly lay everything down at Your feet,
Because Your love makes it worth it all.
Oh, do you dare,
Will you be bold as a lion,
And go, go look deep into the eyes of love?
Will you leave everything behind,
To look deep into the eyes of love?
Fire that can't be tamed,
Fire that won't be put in a box,
Fire that won't be contained,
Fire that won't be put out,
An all consuming fire!"

If I'm being honest, and I feel like I can..with the less than 13 of you who click my link :) then can I just ask.. what is vulnerability? Where does it spur from? What is present or not present from person to person who you can or cannot be vulnerable with? Is it really just a gut feeling or is there some kind of definite, equation to it? What does the Bible say about vulnerability? When is it okay or not okay? Why can it keep us from so many things? How can we NOT let it keep us from things?

VULNERABLE:

1. Exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally: "we were in a vulnerable position".
2. capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon: a vulnerable part of the body.
3. open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.: an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.
4. (of a place) open to assault; difficult to defend: a vulnerable bridge.
   
   

Sasha, why so many questions on vulnerability?
Because never in my entire life have I feared it so much and had it so present in my life. I absolutely hate it. Kind of making me crazy and I don't know how to respond to it. I've never not known how to respond. I always have sharp and normally quick responses to anything in life. I will be honest, I typically am not the kind to run away from things. I'm stubborn. I'm more of a turn my shoulder and walk away, wipe my hands clean, nobody gets hurt because I didn't allow myself to get too involved - too involved to be able to get hurt kind of person. Everyone goes home with just a little scrape, but no crazy battle wounds or scars. Why? Because I've learned that lesson, too involved, or just being vulnerable, and you can get burned. Don't they say, "First time shame one you, second, shame on me"? Welllllll, I think I take that very literally. Once burned is enough.
But that doesn't work if one wants to "live" outside of any kind of safe box keeping you from getting burned.
So, where do you draw the line between being able to live and not living in fear of hurt? I know there are so many factors to vulnerability that make this not an easy topic.

Biblical Reference:

Prov 29:11
A fool vents all his feelings, 
But a wise man holds them back. 


Proverbs 4:23Above all else, guard your heart,
    for everything you do flows from it.

Matthew 6:21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also. 

Also, I read this quote: "Before we let anyone or anything into our heart, try the spirit by the spirit."

How does one go about "trying" another's spirit? Does that mean discovering if their walk/heart for the Lord is legitimate? Does that mean worshipping and studying with them? What does it mean to try one's spirit?
And WHAT IF their spirit in Christ in genuine? Then that's the green light to be vulnerable? 

And if you have read all the way down here, I will continue to ask..

But I, WE, have burned our saving God hundreds of times, have we not (even as Christians, covered by the blood, we have sinned against Him)? 

But doesn't He still pour His heart out for us? 

Isn't He still jealous for us? 

Doesn't He still desire for us to be in His presence, regardless of our past, present, and future strikes against Him?

Are we supposed to treat our relationships with that same mindset? That even with the risk or maybe the actual fact that we have been hurt, burned, or what have you, we continue to pursue that person relationally, platonically, whatever (given they pass the "try the spirit by the spirit")??

Okay, lots of thoughts on the table. 

comment. message. whatever your heart desires. 

119

James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”


Recently, I have been dropping a lot of imaginary bricks on my feet. I'm not sure how the load became so heavy, but it's to the point where I cannot hold a single one more or they come tumbling down to my feet. I don't even remember where I picked up the first brick. I was probably bitter. The second one a little bit of lust. The third and fourth bricks are definitely worldly desires. The fifth pride. I could go on and on. It's amazing how quickly the weight of a brick adds up. Before you know it, you're stumbling and tripping all over them. The bricks I carry around sometimes dictate my mood, my likes and dislikes and even my decisions. 
I know that it doesn't matter how many bricks I accrue. I could have 5 bricks for every letter in the alphabet and it'd be okay. That part is hard for me to grasp. I can have 928342 bricks on my back and it's OKAY? Why would it ever be even close to okay? 
Mercy. Grace. A sovereign God. 
Although, sometimes these don't feel like answers to my tripping mess and sloppy life.. in my heart, I know Truth. And I know my human mind isn't always going to UNDERSTAND or even come close to fathoming grace, I just have to accept it; and know that it's not a free ticket to be a screwball and claim a "YOLO" life. But, rather, rest assured in the fact that my human tendencies are covered. 
Do I pick up more bricks because I know I'm covered by grace? No. 
When I land another brick, is it easy to let go and give up to God (Who has already covered my entirely with mercy and grace and doesn't even see this "brick") ? No. 
But my merciful God is also a patient one. 
Will He allow me to keep one carrying the weight of so many bricks, plus accumulated struggles and burdens and worries and hurt and fears all by myself? Yes.
Is He there the whole time..Yes. 
Does He want to help? YES! 
The only thing I need to do to quit dropping bricks on my feet is not to just cry out to Him. I feel like in all too desperate times we cry out to God when we should really be listening, all ears.
See we do the trudging along without His help and then we think we're humbling ourselves and swallowing our pride when we cry out to Him, and I guess we sort of are.. But a step further would be to just listen right? Just stop trying and HEAR what the God who can carry endless burdens has to say.
I'm no saint, not a leader, not the perfect friend, no Biblical guru, but I write all this because it's simply on my heart. And if it's on mine, then it's probably on someone else's too. 
This week smell like Jesus.
Don't let the devil eat your lunch.
Don't let pride steal your happiness.
Be a listener, not just to others but to your own heart and for the knocking from our great God.
He's there. Unload. 

White Gurl Preachin.

"Ruin my dreams and plans" to some might sound like tragedy.

But I want nothing more than to love God and His majesty.

He’s brand new every day but I can’t start to change,

The ways of this life that get me nowhere but

Beneath the lies, and schemes, and players that just seem like they’re trying for the same American Dreams as me.

But who I am to want a picket fence when I can have the Pearly Gates?

Why chase a dream when I can chase the creator of all things?

-Beginning and end and even the moment that we’re all in.

You sing Amazing Grace but choose to play in the human rat race.

I can’t erase my humanness, but I can choose to ace the test.

See we all have a choice, to choose purpose and have a voice

Or just continue and live this Main Street mundane.

I’ll choose to know

I’ll choose to make known

The greatest name in all of history

-Greatest sacrifice ever shown.

Now I can live and choose daily

Not because I’m just a religious kid.

But because of what my Savior did.

Audio :)  

..White girrrrl out.