merrrrrhhhhh!! But on a good note, now I have something completely different to write on. WIN!
So the past 2 weeks I have been in constant prayer about next fall. Not like bow your head close your eyes prayer, but like talking to myself and God in my head, occasionally out loud, all the time. And for about the whole 2 weeks, I had no answer. I would rather have NO than no answer. Especially me, I'm impatient!
I had started to look into a few schools already..NCSU, Auburn being the top contenders. AND I had a family in Mississippi and North Carolina ready to interview me! But I was kinda waiting on something (God) to tell me where to go next, what to pursue and when.
I have gotten to the point where the initial "fun phase" of moving away had worn off and I have been torn between what to do. Could I realllyyyy leave everyone and everything I have known my whole life just because I wanted to start over? Both parts of that question are sooo selfish.
So a friend and I got talking last night and I was catching her up on everything and all my new endeavors, and somehow her words really soaked in with me. Yeah, this whole decision ultimately is about me, but all the factors are about everyone else. Could I leave when my dad would just be getting out of cancer treatment? Could I leave when my family is amidst so much turmoil? Do I need a break from my entire life or just a part of it? Am I really that concerned with my education that I need to move 1000 miles away?
These kinds of questions hit home. Hard.
Questions lead to answers. Answer? Florida.
You know, I honestly didn't want to do this on my own. I wanted to stick to my guns and move away and be the independent little firecracker I always have been. I didn't wanna cave on my own terms. I wanted someone else to tell me they needed me to stay. I wanted to be needed here. I was afraid of leaving not because I was afraid of being lonely or away from my family, but because I thought that no one would really miss me. REAL HUMBLE SASH. Ahhh but I did have good motives too though! I had great intentions of being in a new place with no one and having ONLY my savior and the kids I nanny. A lot of frogging (fully relying on God ;) ). Not goood enough! I'm not quite strong enough to overpower my own little voice inside that I try to keep away from the public eye at all times, the one that might actually make it known that I am great at being independent, but most the time, I wish I knew how to be needy, just a little. I want that someday. To be needed and to need.
On that noteeeee..
Jake talked last night about love.
Love. I wanted to get up and leave when I heard that word. Love. I don't want to hear about love. I haven't found it, I don't have it, stop telling me about love. Love and Sasha just don't go. End of story. Anywho, my complaining aside, He made me realize how much love I have to offer, especially being smack in the middle of "family problems", love that I could keep pouring out here. Or I could move away and pretend all over again. I could pour out this really fake love to people who know nothing about me, so it's easy to fake it and pretend mylifeis100%awesomeallthetime. But instead, I think He wants me here. And more than that, He wants me to keep being honest and real and not hiding all this junk anymore. Why? because my life is not 100%awesomeallthetime and I don't have to act like it!
It's not about the tiny details of teaching licenses and nanny families and benefits. None of that matters. I know I feel like I'm screwing it up A LOT, but He's here with me regardless.
Simply, It's 100% about Him being made known through little me. It's me shutting up, and not complaining about love and other nonsense and just "smelling like Jesus".
Until that plane ticket shows up on my door to Asheville or Auburn...He's keeping me here.
This might sound strange, but I have been trying really hard to decide what I should do with my life. I know I'm not someone to be dishing out advice. I'm really sorry to hear about your family and everything that is going on. I'm really impressed by your courage and strength. I thought I'd share something that has been helping me. I have thought long and hard about wanting a relationship and someone to be in love with or serving a mission or going to school or just working or what, something I have found is that the Lord has a plan for us. Each of us. He knows each of us individually and wants us each to succeed and gain our full potential. I also know that sometimes, He leaves a lot of decisions up to us. I have found that asking Him a direct question, such as "Should I serve a mission?" He will answer you. I know that our Heavenly Father hears our prayers. We can't expect a sign every time or think that he will say "Allison, you should go to college and study Math." Or whatever, but sometimes, we are allowed to decide for ourselves. Then asking if that is the right thing to do. If we feel good, then that is right. I'm sure that you know all of this. I just thought I'd share that I know how you feel. Sometimes, things are really difficult. Its kind of strange to say, but I'm really proud of you Sasha! I think the world of you! I hope that everything works out just how you want! :)
ReplyDeleteI JUST now got this comment and read it.
ReplyDeleteI think now, after this blog post has been completely reversed (and I'm moving far away in 6 days) it means even more to me.
I couldn't agree with you more, He does answer and hear our prayers. But sometimes He leaves part of the answer to us. I think that's the great part about our God, He gave us the free will to choose eternity and He continues to give us free will here on earth. But sometimes, we just dont think we deserve it or arent capable of deciding on our own. Which is the point I was at.
I didn't think I could decide such a huge move! But I took myself out of it and then back in, played scenarios over and over... In the end I had an amazing peace about Texas.
I am so grateful for people like you who genuinely CARE.
You are a prized gem Allison, and the Lord has an amazing plan for your life, and an amazing husband, in due time. But right now, for the both of us, HE wants us to just be the bride of Christ. Let His arms satisfy all your needs! Love you sweet friend!