Lightning

Taking a stab at short storyy.

No, I don't love him. I couldn't possibly love or be in love with someone I couldn't bear to see with someone else. Cause the thing with love, ya know what your folks always tell you, is that it's selfless. Always about the other person, no matter what. You love em so much you'd give your right arm to make them happy- even watch them get married to someone else because you knew they were truly happy. Now me, I think that's too big a pill to swallow. Maybe cause I've never been in love, or loved in that way. But when I do, I don't think I could love him so much I could watch another woman walk down the aisle to him. Not when it's supposed to be me. But I guess I can deal with those kinds of problems when love is actually on my plate. And why isn't? Ohh, well I think HE'S got bigger plans for me, the man upstairs is what my redneck uncle calls him. I like to think He's holding out on me, but I've secretly got my finges crossed, that all the waiting is worth it. It'd be like "And there ya go little Miss Marx, Prince Charming". Wouldn't that be something?! Well, regardless, I told my momma I was gonna marry that boy. And I ain't one for telling lies, so it's just a matter of time I 'spose. I AM gonna marry him! I guess I made my mind up when I first REALLY saw him. What? No, come on what'dya say? I saw ya mumble and roll your dang eyeballs at me. Oh, I'm silly? Silly for deciding I'm gonna marry him? Well let me finish the story and then you can feel free to comment, outside on the porch that is.

I guess I saw him a lot before he actually knew my name. But the one time I really remember it wasn't anything special. Is that what you're expectin? Cause it's real simple. I'm real simple. We were just at the same little event. Volunteering for old folks who can't do nothin on their own, so we do it for them. It was a nice day, real quiet and nice. When we were all finished eating lunch with them folks, my sister Jana and I went outside and were talking to a few others when I noticed him. Now, I've seen this boy numerous time before, really a lot.. It's embedded in my brain forever. He had on one of those easter egg yellow, polo shirts boys round here always wear, with khaki corduroy slacks and his hair slicked back. He had some sun glasses on too and worn out penny loafers. Mmmm my! Something about that silly little outfit made my inside sing. Well, not really, it was the boy wearing it that made me smile. My heart was beating faster than it ever had before and he didn't even have to say a word to me. Yeah, I knew it.

Jana and I began to walk home and that's when I told her. Oh, I was more confident than a ten year old swingin at a t-ball tournament. I knew it. I was going to marry him. ..I know! Boy, hush! I know he ain't even said a word to me, but you still not letting me finish. Now can I continue?!

But that was where that day and that vivid memory end. The next time I had a memory of him like that, the "in color" kind that you can play, pause, repeat in your head, it was weeks later. I'm usually alright with being bold about talking to a good looking fella if I want to. But it's funny how the one I wouldn't initiate conversations with, was the one I wanted most. I wanted him to come after me. He's gonna marry me, he needs to do a little bit of the work! Anyways, I went weeks without even saying a word to him. I smile here and there in passing, but that was all. He merely knows I exist. The joy and excitement of being a giddy little girl wore off and I went back to being a lady in waiting, waiting quite impatient and hopelessly. I know, right? Me, little miss independent, bull headed me. Hopeless and down on myself. Do you get it now?! Do you get that he's the only one who could do that to me. To be able to melt my icy little heart and give me rosy cheeks? ..Give up? Fool! Who do you think I am a sissy? Just cause I get all mushy feely now don't mean I am quitter! I started pursuing things in my life to make me still be me. Make the old me shine better. But I still thought about that boy and what I would do for him to just call my name out passing by to say hello.

This is where I wish I could just end the story completely. This is where I wish I could erase that easter egg yellow polo from my memory, the sounds, the sights, and even the smells which reminded me of him. You know how I said I couldn't possibly love him because I couldn't bear to see him fall in love with someone? Well turns out I must've been madly in love with him. I had to see him fall in love and marry the one girl who I had poured my heart and soul into. I had to bear it, in front of everyone. The girl just a few years back I was driving to her awanas meeting after getting her involved in the church. The one who I taught how to french braid and sit like a lady and that matching socks was sometimes overrated. She was like my baby sister, and she had me beat. I'm selfish for sayin that, I know. But sometimes all we know how to be is selfish. And I had to be in the wedding to, as if knowing wasn't bad enough, I had to hold her bouquet and pretend I was crying tears of joy. When this story started, I thought it would have a happy ending. But I'm not sure if I believe in those anymore.

...Not done, I had to go to bed. I'll be back :)