But I can't, and letters are more my thing anyways..
I think you may know me as the girl you met in the Wolfram's Sunday school class at Bell Shoals. The girl who wore toe socks on chapel day and got kicked out of Mrs. Kline's class at BSBA for my singing Christmas socks. Maybe I'm the girl that broke your collarbone when you were my back spot in cheerleading. The one who would take part in debates at lunch over abortion and homosexuality. Maybe I'm the girl who taught you the Watermelon Crawl at the bull or how to do dead bugs at the gym. The girl who taught you to be bold and love yourself and learn how to cook and how to french braid. I can even be that girl who made you cry over something I said too boldly; or something I didn't even say. The girl who forgot your birthday, again. The one who cancelled plans. The one who works more than breathes. The girl who does everything alone, including late night runs in Tampa (sorry dad!) and would usually prefer it that way. The girl who made you laugh just by my stupid laugh. And the girl who pissed you off because I just wouldn't give in, or give up a fight. Maybe you met me as the girl who breathes spontaneity. The one who can't not do anything. The girl obsessed with toe shoes and rock climbing and slack lining and line dancing and everything else that isn't norm. I'm the girl who left in the middle of a sentence and didn't look back (..metaphorically hah). The girl who was scared to death to live and get caught. The girl who was clearly stuck between two worlds, the one where I want to love you and the one where I don't know how to.
I don't know which one of those girls you've met. But they're all me. And chances are, you've met that girl at some point in time; even if you only know me a little bit. Chances also are that I wish you had been able to meet a different girl, the one I wish I could be ALL the time. But who am I kidding, no one is perfect. Maybe, but probably not, lots of you will read this. This is really only for one of you, though. It's the you that's in my head all the time. You told me God put me here for a reason and that resonates in my head like clocks chiming every hour. Somedays I think you're the reason. And because of you I feel like my life has been in slow motion. But when I finally get to see you it's like time couldn't ever slow down enough. I think I burned about the millionth bridge in my life and I burnt that bridge with you. Normally I can do a pretty good patch job and function post-bridge-burning. But this time I feel different. Like I messed a good thing up really bad. And for myself, not just you. I had everything I ever wanted in my lap and it wasn't good enough. But it wasn't you that wasn't good enough. It was me. The scared, vulnerable me that maybe only a few other people have met. No, you aren't perfect, but perfect isn't what I want. You told me I needed to figure out what I want. I have. My life is never going to slow down and I am never going to achieve the cookie cutter that I created for myself. Never. So instead of trying to find a perfect fit to my stupid cookie cutter demeanor, what I want is to just let myself be happy. And I had never been happier in my life. I had never felt safer. And that scared me to death, but now that it's gone, I'm even more afraid i'll never find it again.
No comments:
Post a Comment