Pessimism is okay, halfway is not.

My heart is so, so heavy as I think about what to write. I have never ever been in the shoes I'm in now. But I know it's where I want to be and plan to be-more importantly where I am CALLED, so I better get used to these soles. The call to missions is a simple thing. As believers in Christ, we are all called in some way whether it's serving homeless downtown or serving children in Africa. We're all called. Plain and simple. This is where my heart begins to get heavy.
Have I placed too much emphasis on these peoples who have not yet heard the name Jesus and forgotten my calling to my own family and friends? And who am I, small little me, to even be considered to be the carrier of this amazing news to such beautiful people? Am I selfish for thinking I'm not good enough and letting this guilt get in the way? Is this the devil worrying me sick or am I just being human?

Romans 10:15
How will they preach unless they are sent? Just as it is written, "HOW BEAUTIFUL ARE THE FEET OF THOSE WHO BRING GOOD NEWS OF GOOD THINGS!"
Isaiah 52:7 How beautiful on the mountains are the feet of those who bring good news, who proclaim peace, who bring good tidings, who proclaim salvation, who say to Zion, "Your God reigns!"

Right now I feel like I have really ugly feet. And I KNOW that is such a selfish and bitter thing to say. He specifically chose to work on my heart for this trip, for these people. I want that newlywed happiness and excitement about this calling and I'm letting the devil, as my high school Bible fellowship would say- "eat my stinkin lunch". This is the first of many spiritual-happiness-sucking moments I am going to have until I am on board that plane to the Philippines. Then, it's a whole new playing field of struggles. But right now, I need two things. Prayer and encouragement. I also need more confidence, patience, trust...but I'll focus on the big picture.

I am not going to carry the Gospel to the Filipinos alone, and I can't get there alone either.
If you know me at all, you know I absolute cringe at the idea of being needy and dependent. But this has nothing to do with Sasha..and I seriously need a lot right now. I know The Lord will provide the right people to support me every step of the way, but right now I feel weak- transparent and weak. With this being my first mission trip, I feel so vulnerable and I don't really know how to explain the why or how behind it. I'm very scared like I stated before, of living up to these expectations I have created for myself, expectations that only exist in my perfectionist mind. God doesn't hold these expectations for me or anyone else and I have got to learn to let them go. But I need reminders.
Reminders like this one have helped me get past the slump I was in this past week. The body of Christ is the most beautiful thing!
"We were born into this battle Sasha when we became "Born again" believers. We wake up to this battle everyday. The more of a threat you are to the enemy of God the more you will experience the devil's heat and God's Glory in your life. Allow God to equip you for battle....and always know that the Victory is HIS!"

If anything, take away encouragement from my struggles..kind of crazy, but be encouraged and know that God is orchestrating this slump, just like He is orchestrating the joy and excitement I will experience in 3 months welcoming Filipino's to the Kingdom of God. But also keep me in your prayers, as well as the entire team for the Philippines, as we all try to avoid succumbing to the devil's taunting once and for all as we prepare our heart's for life's greatest call.