Absolutely Nothing.

I sat there in the pitch black darkness and cold of the night and just tried to think. But nothing came to mind, for the thousandth time. No feeling, no ideas, not good nor bad. It was just nothing. And as I sat there in the pitch black and in the silence of the itty bitty town that surrounded me, I began to believe it. I began to believe that feeling nothing was the only thing relevant and consistent in my life. And besides that, I'm realizing that the nothingness that surrounds me and is me, is creeping out of me and into other people. I'm doing that.

I'm physically going through the motions of my life, but I'm not feeling anything. I'm having a deep discussion with you, but I have no idea what you're saying. I'm being exceptionally giving, but I feel no happiness from it. I'm smiling and genuine, but I don't know what that really looks like anymore, it just happens, I don't feel it. I know I told you I wanted to meet up and talk, but come to think of it, I don't know if I need to talk, if I need sleep, or if I need help that you just can't give me. I don't know how to even ask for help because I don't know what I'm asking for. All I know is that being numb works great the first week, and when it doesn't wear off, it's starts to wear on you and everyone around you. I can't fake feelings. As much as I try to hold your hand, or give people hugs, or leave comments...I feel nothing. Sure, I feel frustrated at the fact that I can't do anything but it gets me no where. And yes, I feel disgusted at the fact that I can't physically tell anyone this, but I will write it on a blog for "the world" to see. Genuinely though, I feel nothing.
For the record, you deserve someone who cares enough to be honest with you no matter how hard it is, not me. BTW, this doesn't invalidate my congrats on your engagement, I just kinda wish I could've had a little heads up.

Maybe I'm just realizing that I forgot how to actually trust someone, and that I don't know how to. I'm not that kind of person though. I don't fault people like that. And it seems like now I can't help but do just that. I'm scared and I'm running and hiding and pushing people away more than I ever thought I could. Frankly, I have been pretty good at it in the past, but I thought those days were gone. I hate that I can't do anything, even with just an ounce of genuineness. I've become my own pet peeve or flaw. Something I can't stand to see others do is who I am. Maybe I'm counteracting it by being so openly blunt, but it doesn't change it.
I'm sorry I'm not the girl you met 4 weeks ago, or 4 years ago. She's gone and this one's just really scared of everything, even scared of showing that she's scared. This uncertainty has gotten under every inch of my skin and I don't know how long it plans on staying.

Maybe there's a better version of me and I just haven't found it yet. I know this isn't me, who I'm meant to be.