I lost my sense of adventure

Somewhere between finding out that I'm not where I fit and that I'm not fit to be so many things, I forgot why I started this adventure almost two years ago.
It was for me. The journey was mine and mine alone. No one else could feel what I felt or experience what I experienced. It was all me.
Somehow, 1,700 miles away from everything I ever knew, I found me. I found what made me happiest. I found the purest form of Sasha Rihana Arms. Nothing beats that feeling - loving every ounce of your life, every person surrounding you and every corner of every street you find something new to love.
And now I'm left grasping at straws. Trying everything to get that feeling back. Painting, slacklining, reading, writing, lifting, driving, eating, drinking, friends.. and none of them have 100% me in the equation. My heart isn't really in anything I do here. Because my heart isn't here, it's 1,700 miles away. So if I'm not Susie Sunshine, it's because I'm working on filling the chunk of me that's missing. Christ is the only thing that can fill that void until I can be reunited with my "heart". And when something else leaves a void, He'll fill it then too. But for right now, He's kind of all I have to cling to. And honestly, all I want or need to cling to. I don't need anything else in my life to half heartedly love, enjoy or be apart of.
I realize this isn't where I want to be, for many reasons. But if I could just have a few answers from God, maybe "me" could begin to surface again. Maybe.. but probably not. Because to be honest, asking why hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. And throwing myself a Boca sized pity party won't help either. I have been really confused in my Women's Bible Study the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what my wilderness is, what my Egypt was and where my promised land is going to be. Well, I think a light bulb went off today. Texas was my Egypt. God delivered me from a financial struggle as well as an emotional one. But he didn't just pluck me out of that, He has sent me on a long, long journey through the dessert. A journey that still has at least 7 months left. I'm learning to expect it to get worse, but to accept the fact that my wilderness isn't going anywhere for some time. I can CHOOSE whether or not I want to throw a pity party or not. As for my promised land.. maybe it's the road back to the Lone Star state, maybe somewhere totally new. I'm not sure. I just know, that I know, that I KNOW, I will be delivered from my wilderness. God is faithful, not matter how long it takes or how silent He seems.

I know a lot of my posts have been pretty selfish as of late. But I'm just being transparent about things. Pray for direction and discernment in the weeks to come. That I can still be a light regardless of how my heart feels. And if you're in the wilderness too, expect and accept it! Hold me accountable to the promises of God!

-Non preoccuparti, sii felice!

Painted-Paisley

"Painted-Paisley" isn't what this post is about BUT, I wanted to let you all know that I have started a photo blog called Painted-Paisley! As of now, it's just a style blog and a place to put all my gazillion phone pictures :) Enjoy! Painted-Paisley

Now that that's out of the way, I can blog about some really GREAT things.

As many of you know, Boca Raton was not something I entirely looked forward to. In fact, I came dragging my feet all the way from Texas. I sulked. I asked God what He thought He was doing, why ruin a good thing. I asked Him if He thought this was funny; if this was my punishment for moving to Texas in the first place. I don't know, but I was angry. I had to leave my dog, best friend, and the greatest community I have ever been apart of. To come to what? Boca. I left all of that for THIS?!

Yeah, I kinda sorta hate this place (sorry, but it's pretty and that's about it). But fast forward to now and the Bible study I have become a part of - by absolutely divine reasons. A church I happened to try out, with a Bible study that happened to be starting just as I moved here and the best part, a study that happened to be on the topic which boils down to praising God in the "wilderness".  Praising God when you have no idea WHY He's brought you here. Being joyful when it seems like there's nothing to be joyful about.
Well, I'll be darned. Looks like the Israelites weren't the only ones wishing they could flee BACK to Egypt. Kinda like I'd love to flee back to Texas. The Promised Land didn't seem so promised to them when it took so dang long to get there and they didn't understand the reasoning behind the extra long journey. Kinda like I don't get why I spent a year there and I don't know where the next year is going to be. But just like they had living signs and miracles from God, so do I - making the journey THAT much more bearable. Just like the Israelites were put through the desert with miracles spanned far and wide from eachother. I too, have to be in the desert. But the miracles COME. And the desert times COME. But with each of them comes a different discovery of God in my relationship with Him. Austin changed my life.. and SO will Boca - just in a much different way.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning that the wilderness, the desert times HAVE to happen. There has to be an "inbetween" the miracles time. Be okay with your wilderness. Be okay with your desert. Don't beg for the comfort of your old life like the Israelites did. Instead, embrace the manna, the cloud of fire by night and cloud of smoke by day.

AND DON'T LET THE DEVIL EAT YOUR STINKIN LUNCH! :D

Yes, it's about you mister

This blog is not coming from the heart of a Proverbs 31 woman right now. This blog is coming from a hurt, slightly broken, and confused girl who is at the breaking point. What gives?

In my lifetime, I have saved a lot of things. Relationships and anything to do with them is one of those things. At first, it was because I wasn't allowed to date and my parents were weird and strict and awkward about guys. Then it was because I wanted to be pursued exactly how God intended and be the woman God created me to be. Then it was because reality hit me THREE times in the face and let me know that the relationship waters are tainted and to stay away.

Not just three stupid encounters with random people. No, not just three dumb, human "Sasha what were you thinking" moments. Three solid, Godly guys that I may or may not have completely let my guard down for. Condensed version. Ready? Word vomit: One fell off the face of the earth and then BAM 6 months later, married. Once I finally realized again that there were other good people on the planet I tried again. This one didn't get married, I just straight up got lied to and ditched for another girl. WWJD? And lastly a charmer, who tainted the relationship and marriage waters for sure. What guy talks to you about baby names he likes and then drops the "I'm still in love with her" bomb? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
I'm sorry, I guess I'm the mother freakin idiot for buying into a second of any of it. And I'm sorry for all of you who read this for encouragement.. but this is real life. Shit hits the fan. People are human and sometimes they are awful mean, inconsiderate humans. I understand mistakes. I understand human error.. but messing with someone's heart is foul play and dangerous territory. Shame on me for not having my guard up? I'm sorry, the Godly facade I fell for kind of threw me off. Next time I'll just have them read this first and if they stick around I should be good. I'm like Taylor Swift but with blogs, not songs.
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm dating or why I'm single; or telling me that God has the perfect guy picked out for me. Listen here, the poor man that God has picked out for me is gonna have about 10 walls of Jericho to knock down before he even sees my heart, courtesy of the three gents I so naively fell for. It's not fair to him.
Gentleman, grow some cahones and either A) Be man enough to turn her down in the first place; don't just pretend to enjoy dating her out on convenience B) Don't ever talk about future things if you're hiding past things C) If you want to leave, SAY SO. Falling off the face of the earth is the worst 'what if' game a girl can play in her head. You come nowhere near your spotless reputation when you treat a woman that way (neither do I with this blog, but beyond the point!) If you CLAIM chivalry and being a Godly man... hello it's expected. (And ladies, nothing wrong with expecting that!)

If you couldn't tell, I am angry. Hurt, but mostly angry. And for the record, none of these gentleman had enough of me to break my heart. Not that girl. If you know me, you know I am a control freak. And this kind of thing, being something I never controlled and that came totally out of left field..makes me so mad. Goood grief. Maybe the guilt end on their part sucks as bad as this, but I highly doubt that.

Hurricane Waves

Although the scenery has changed a LOT in the past couple of weeks, I still find myself having time to recharge and think at coffee shops and whole foods like I did in Texas. It's like my permanent comfort zone no matter where I go. I like that.

So in lieu of Hurricane Isaac, I forged the weather to my "spot" and decided to finally write this puppy out. Honestly, hurricane weather is beautiful. It's the coolest thing to witness huge waves of rain and gusts of wind rise and die almost as quickly as they came about. To see the sky churning, waiting for it to upchuck some more gray skies and sheets of opaque looking rain that you can hardly see your hand in front of your face it's so heavy. These storms don't mess around. And I don't like that I take them so lightly, because I know the damage that can and has been done, but I find beauty in the storm. In fact, it's taking almost every fiber in me to keep my butt planted in this seat and NOT drive the to beach and just get pelted with the rain and watch the waves go bizirk as the hurricane winds rip through the water.

And in light of hurricane weather, even though I find it so amazing.. it puts me in a really mellow mood after awhile. With enough rainy days you start to get kind of pessimistic with each hour of continued rain. Maybe that's just me. But with this weather, comes the Sasha who analyzes every fraction of a fraction and pesters at all my decisions, situations and predicaments. I mean, there is nothing else to do when it's monsooning outside, so why not?

I came up with some areas that need work. And you are always more than welcome to share your thoughts on this or your own struggles or whatever. I like the feedback :)

1. Confidence in God and Self
Sticks out like a sore thumb. And shouldn't even be a slight issue. I never realized that THIS is exactly where a lot of my downfalls root from. I think in my head that I'm trusting God in all of my decisions and that I'm doing His will (following Him with each of my moves etc), but in reality it's just me trying to convince myself I trust that idea. I KNOW I was called here or there, so I go and do, but my heart isn't there. My heart is somewhere between here and Texas trying to figure out what it is I want, love, need, like, or desire. It's hard for me to find confidence in things that are constantly changing. But I don't let people know that. I cover that up and act bold about everything and where I've been, but it's just not like that. I'm so afraid that I'm going to get plucked from here the second I start to like it. I'm afraid to like it here. I know I "can't bring it with me when I go", but not having the confidence to be myself in a new place is weird. It's something I really need some prayers on. Yes, I want my actions to follow the Lord's will for my life, but I also want my heart to be right there with us. I don't want my heart to be 500 miles behind. I'm trusting God by going, but my heart isn't in line.

-Pray that I would develop the heart confidence to coincide with my "go" confidence.


2. Lifestyle Inconsistencies
Time to be blunt.
I will be the first to tell you, I am such a hypocrite. What the hell am I doing? 
Where did the girl who started this blog go? I feel like I've picked up a lot of "character" along my crazy-traveling-life road, but some things cannot be regarded as character. I just won't stand for it anymore. I don't know how I let things get so deep. And I've said this a million times before! Like those stupid weeds that grow between the cracks in your pool deck. You turn around and they're a foot tall! What happened!? Where were you with the preventative methods, weed killer and chemicals?!
Now you have only one choice, pull the weeds out completely.. root and all.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. But, some of my decisions have led to more decisions that have led to things I'm not proud of. And I'm okay with sharing this, because even though I'm not proud of it, I'm proud of that fact I can call myself out and at least attempt to fix it. I refuse to live in it. I refuse to be okay with being lukewarm in everything I do.
So if I tweet about #shehasworth, never settling, waiting etc etc.. you bet your bottom dollar I want you to tweet back and be like YO SASH! WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? ARE YOU BEING A P31? ARE YOU RESPECTING THE MEN AROUND YOU IN WHAT YOU WEAR, SAY AND DO? ...all caps for bolder effect. But I am serious! My worldliness in some of my choices are coming from the first issue of being on different pages with my head and my heart. There should never ever be a reason to choose the world over Christ. I know it's going to be awkward, difficult and not a whole lot of fun sometimes, but the outcome is what my heart was made for.. ETERNITY.

AH. You have no idea how GOOD it feels to get that out of.

Or if I make a post on a facebook about a great sermon and post it up for the world to see, you bet I want you to be straight up and ask me: HOW'S YOUR QUIET TIME GOIN? WHATS GOD REVEALING TO YOU LATELY? HOW ARE YOU SERVING? HOW ARE YOU PLUGGING INTO COMMUNITY?

And the cursing is out of control. I blame it on crossfit, but it has got to gooo. I know I get super into my workouts, but it's not ladylike on any scale, not even at the gym. So call me out, bro! I'm gonna try to have a rated PG mouth at all times :)

So before this gets even more ranty and random, I would ask you to please pray for me. I'm claiming my hypocrisies and asking them to be covered in prayer as I turn it around.





"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easilyI'm here to stay and make the difference that I can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to useThe tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not..And who I am"

People, places, things

This blog is coming from me experiencing the give and take away of blessings from God. I have been overwhelmed, covered in blessing lately..always! But I also understand, how quickly things can change, be taken away and seem down and out, only to reveal a larger, better purpose. I've learned to appreciate the people in my life so much more. To love and adore the little things and moments. And to just simply be present. Most importantly, I've began to discover who I am in Christ and start to piece together the beautiful love story of my life He's writing. I love where He's leading. It's scary, and blind.. but I have never felt happier or more confident being in His hands.


People, places, and things-
They come and go, but we try ever so hard to hold onto each part of them. It's as if they're what defines our being. That people, places and things of my life today, yesterday and tomorrow are what makes me, me. And sometimes we like the "me" that a certain person creates or being in a particular place creates; we don't want to lose that version of "me". But I've found that the version of you merely created by a person, place, or thing isn't rooted very deeply. It works, but the "me", trampled underneath these "people, places, and things", is dying to be seen and heard.


In 21 years of life I am beginning to learn what holds me back. But the only way I could have ever discovered the "me" outside of the people, places and things I THOUGHT I was, was to remove them from my life completely. Take away home. Take away family. Take away friends. Take away Godly accountability. Take away my spot on the beach. Take it all away.
Then who are you? Who are you then?!
So many play it safe. So safe that I don't think they ever really know who they are outside the box of life. I still don't really know. But I do know that I'm learning, growing, letting go a lot easier and one day I will be the woman Christ has called me to be. But I can't get there until I let go of the now. Until I let go of the people and places and things I let define me, because I am only defined in Christ alone. He is what makes me, me. It's not Crossfit, nor Texas, nor my height nor family name.


If you're holding onto something more than you're holding onto Christ, let it go. Move 1,300 miles from home and test your faith, cling to God. Why is it so crazy to be different? Just trust God. So often, I forget how simple it is to follow God's commands. I make it so complicated.
Love God, love people. 
Know God, make Him known.

Life's too short to play it safe inside our own little worlds. Be radical. Let Him introduce you to the YOU He has called you to be. And don't wait! It can change in an instant.
GO. DO. BE.


In just ten days I'll be making the second biggest move of my life thus far. Austin to Boca Raton. I never asked for it, never pictured it and still can't really grasp that I'm moving back.. But I am SO excited to be fulfilling whatever God's plan is on my life. I can't see it, I'm just going.
Please pray for me as I prepare for the move. It's scary on my own. And I have a lot to do. A lot of goodbyes I don't want to make. And for my roommate and I's road trip down there. As for you.. get ready! I'm comin back to the SUNSHINE STATE :)

From the margins

of my history notebook. I'm very, very productive in class. Enjoy.

Putting your life under a microscope is probably the worst idea one could ever have. Why!? Why speculate and question the very things God is totally in control of?

But as a perfectionist, I can't help but do just that. I speculate, ponder, and question every person and aspect of my life. I question if I am being ignorant of my purpose and my Creator some days. If I am merely chasing nothing in replacement of chasing His will.
I question.

But, I'm going to tell you this. No matter who you are, what you're facing, what you're afraid of or what you're trying to analyze under that microscope.. Go ALL or nothing. Don't let it stop you or keep you on the sidelines (cause that's just what the devil wants you to do). Don't leave anything on the table. You can't take it with you.. LEAVE IT!
GO. DO. BE.
Are you comfortable? Do something uncomfortable. Reach out. Pray with your waitress, that man next to you on the bus. Be hands and feet. Don't waste time speculating the good and bad and indifferent of the everyday life. Start now and be the good you dream and desire. Don't let other's words break you. We are so much stronger than we give ourselves credit. So don't cave. Don't give in to the world. It won't last. Your smokes turn to ashes, your drink will dry up, Hollywood makes you feel like you aren't good enough.
Fall in love with the One who is more jealous for your attention than any human being ever could be. It doesn't matter what your life look like right now. He's constant. CONSTANT! Isn't that beautiful? ..Whether you're a saint or a sex addict, He's there and he will be the only thing in your life that lasts.

And no matter deep I find myself wallowing in my seemingly unproductive daily and spiritual life, He is always there to listen and spur me on to go and do and be. To GO the extra mile and to go where He guides my heart - confident no matter if it's 10 miles south or 2000 miles to Germany (..I wrote this BEFORE I decided on Boca :)) To DO the things He called me to do. Do church. Do love. Do right. Do help. Do believe. Do listen. Do care. Do pray. Do Christ! To BE. To be set apart. Set apart from the ideals of this world . Set apart no matter how long it takes. To be light. To be salt.

YOU and ME.
GO. DO. BE.
(& be bold in it! He's got your back!)
Jeremiah 29:11

The Next Chapter..

It's with an amazingly confident and joyful heart that I can tell you all.. I'm moving back to Florida. Not home, home..but I will be back in the Sunshine State soon and very soon! My Texas journey has come to an end. Although bittersweet, I am SO incredibly confident that God has orchestrated every part of this next chapter of my life.
It's amazing to me that when I am so bent over backwards on making something else work out and praying for that to work and be His will, he comes alongside me and says "HELLLO, earth to Sasha, perfection is right over here, open your eyes and stop asking for what you think you want. What I have to offer is so much better for you!" DUDE. Mind blown. I can't even begin to tell you how much of a God thing this is. My heart is so happy.
Moving and saying goodbye is ALWAYS hard for me, and I do it quite often. But when God's hand is involved it makes the tough, easier.
I will miss Texas SO much. This place is incredible. I will visit more than I'll be wanted, I'm sure ;)
But nothing can take this journey and this experience away from me. I was put here for a purpose and I served it. Even though I may not see the results now.. seeds were planted and I did my duty. I made amazing friends. I met the most beautiful and encouraging group of adults who always had my back. I am so grateful for my Texas family. Each of you have an amazingly special place in my heart. And I let myself fall in love with a city that I will most definitely come back to. Just because this chapter is closing, doesn't mean Texas is out of my future! God can bring me back any day! :)

Please be in prayer for me int he weeks to come. I have a lot of things to get sorted out before I can move (sublease my place, sell my furniture and make the long haul to SoFla!) I love you all and I can't wait to share this next part of my life!