Bold and Strong

I've tried to accumulate thoughts and ideas for this post for weeks now. I've tried to wrap my own mind around everything so that I can try to "neatly" word vomit on the internet and keep people in the know, without actually having a conversation- because let's face it, you don't hear the words coming out of my mouth when tears are streaming, sniffles are steady and fast breathing is never ending.

I'm not sure exactly how to pair words with my thoughts. Do I talk about WHAT'S going on? Do I talk about how fake I feel trying to be "normal"? Do I talk about how I keep questioning God every time I am feeling overwhelmingly broken and lonely? Do I talk about how this is NOT easy, I am not bold, I am not strong and I deserve no applause for anything I have done?

Let's go with the latter as I think it encompasses many.

Some of you have said I am bold and strong for uprooting my life and moving to Texas (again). While ending a relationship that did not aide in my spiritual growth is a "good" thing, I can't feel anything but guilt right now. And the guilt is heavy. I got to leave, go on a roadtrip and land in a destination I love. And he got the dog and heartbreak. While my heart is also broken (in thousands of tiny pieces), I can't help but feel the repercussions of my tornado, as well. Trying to make people understand why I have to go is impossible when they don't grasp the grace of God. And so, many goodbyes were met with, you guessed it, more guilt. Guilt of leaving high and dry. Guilt of hurting them. Guilt of escaping and whatever else I could imagine people are thinking I'm doing. And though I know how restorative my God is, in the right now, I feel distant and regretful. The pain of the "in between" is much worse than I imagined. And, YES, I am fully aware that there are MUCH greater needs, pains and hurts. But, my present is the current hurdle I am trying to tackle on my own. I can't heal the pains or meet the needs of others if I am broken entirely myself.

So though this decision may seem like I have it figured out, I have God back on the pedestal He is meant to be on, and back in the driver's seat, it's not. I am in the trunk and I have no clue who is driving. I don't know which way is up. I don't know if I am going to cry myself to sleep tonight. I don't know when my appetite will actually come back. And mostly, I don't know if I can do this.

So there's some Friday night honesty for ya.
I've never done this. Heartbreak is a terrible thing. Right now I am wallowing in my sadness. Maybe it will go away, maybe it won't. I am telling myself to cling to Truth. I am telling myself this is what I need. My tears tell me otherwise and I'm not sure who is going to win.