"When you're ready for grace, grace will arrive.
If you expect trouble, trouble will run to your door. Seek grace."
This was sent to me this week. It was neither coincidental or cliche, it was needed and necessary.
For over three months, I have been living in a Middle Eastern country. One that, upon arrival, I was very optimistic about being in. Morale was quite high when I got here. In fact, I was pretty gung-ho about a lot of things: finding a church to go to, getting involved there, keeping myself positive, encouraging others, not letting the enemy "eat my stinkin lunch".
Oh hey, but reality is a bit different.
Three months later and I have not crumbled, but turned into a version of myself I am very weary of.
See, all the things I had set out to be never came to fruition. In fact, just about the polar opposite happened. It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of 90 days in the desert, I DID let the enemy eat my stinkin lunch. My attitude changed. Negativity has taken over my thoughts, my words, and my actions. I could sit here and list all the justifications of that negativity, but at the end of the day, I choose how to be- not the people I work with or for, not the country I live in or its culture.
Though I no longer hide a lot of my emotions like I have been known to do in the past, what most people hear and see of me is not encouraging. Speaking of emotions, with my new found negativity, I find myself in tears quite often. Moments of quiet turn into hiding my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion- it just comes out as water from my eyeballs. Moments of quiet used to be my sanity, my sanctuary. Now I can hardly stand the solitude.
Why? In the solitude now, I find myself not with grace and love, but sitting beside anger and rage and selfishness. It makes me physically uncomfortable.
And so that quote.
Sort of hit me like a semi-truck the morning I read it.
I literally just had ANOTHER conversation over my doubts and fears of getting hurt in the future. Pre-desert Sasha didn't do that.
Regardless- I realized that my doubts and fears were just me standing in the middle of the road ASKING for trouble to come. Instead of trusting this person, I just threw their love back in their face, doubting them instead of just allowing them to love me fully. I was creating a problem that didn't even exist. I needed to run to the grace that has already covered my doubts and my fears. The same grace that will cover my change of attitude, loss of heart, my negativity when it comes to my life. I may have let the devil steal my joy, I may have given up, I may have tried to solve things on my own and doubted more than I will ever need to, BUT grace is just sitting there waiting for me to let go and be embraced again. Grace is telling me to trust and be the gentle happy spirit on the inside and outside. Doubt tells me I am going to get hurt, I am never going to be certain, trust will always escape me and I will always let the devil steal my joy.
I say no to that.
I say 90 days is long enough.
As I embark on the next 90 days of this journey, please keep my heart, discernment and future decisions in your prayers. I really look forward to continue writing again and sharing my journey and experience with you all.
I know that where my sin and doubt lived- grace will live even more.
If you expect trouble, trouble will run to your door. Seek grace."
This was sent to me this week. It was neither coincidental or cliche, it was needed and necessary.
For over three months, I have been living in a Middle Eastern country. One that, upon arrival, I was very optimistic about being in. Morale was quite high when I got here. In fact, I was pretty gung-ho about a lot of things: finding a church to go to, getting involved there, keeping myself positive, encouraging others, not letting the enemy "eat my stinkin lunch".
Oh hey, but reality is a bit different.
Three months later and I have not crumbled, but turned into a version of myself I am very weary of.
See, all the things I had set out to be never came to fruition. In fact, just about the polar opposite happened. It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of 90 days in the desert, I DID let the enemy eat my stinkin lunch. My attitude changed. Negativity has taken over my thoughts, my words, and my actions. I could sit here and list all the justifications of that negativity, but at the end of the day, I choose how to be- not the people I work with or for, not the country I live in or its culture.
Though I no longer hide a lot of my emotions like I have been known to do in the past, what most people hear and see of me is not encouraging. Speaking of emotions, with my new found negativity, I find myself in tears quite often. Moments of quiet turn into hiding my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion- it just comes out as water from my eyeballs. Moments of quiet used to be my sanity, my sanctuary. Now I can hardly stand the solitude.
Why? In the solitude now, I find myself not with grace and love, but sitting beside anger and rage and selfishness. It makes me physically uncomfortable.
And so that quote.
Sort of hit me like a semi-truck the morning I read it.
I literally just had ANOTHER conversation over my doubts and fears of getting hurt in the future. Pre-desert Sasha didn't do that.
Regardless- I realized that my doubts and fears were just me standing in the middle of the road ASKING for trouble to come. Instead of trusting this person, I just threw their love back in their face, doubting them instead of just allowing them to love me fully. I was creating a problem that didn't even exist. I needed to run to the grace that has already covered my doubts and my fears. The same grace that will cover my change of attitude, loss of heart, my negativity when it comes to my life. I may have let the devil steal my joy, I may have given up, I may have tried to solve things on my own and doubted more than I will ever need to, BUT grace is just sitting there waiting for me to let go and be embraced again. Grace is telling me to trust and be the gentle happy spirit on the inside and outside. Doubt tells me I am going to get hurt, I am never going to be certain, trust will always escape me and I will always let the devil steal my joy.
I say no to that.
I say 90 days is long enough.
As I embark on the next 90 days of this journey, please keep my heart, discernment and future decisions in your prayers. I really look forward to continue writing again and sharing my journey and experience with you all.
I know that where my sin and doubt lived- grace will live even more.
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