I think I would be pretty accurate in stating that this blog has been, oh I guess, 4 years in the making now. You know, the blog where I write about all my adventures ending. All the crazy awesome stuff I inspired people with over the span of 8 moves, twice as many different jobs, 18 times as many new friends, a couple of best friends along the way and a lot of traveling- the end of that era.
It's now.
Cue the "I told you so's."
The state I am in right now is one I have never felt before. I think it's what most people have felt by the time they are my age...heartbreak. My adventure chapter is ending, and my heart is breaking over it.
How do I know it's over?
Because I have changed. My heart has changed. It has changed in a way I can't get back like I used to be able to. I'm not bouncing back. It's like someone literally stuck a vacuum tube straight to my heart and sucked the solo-don't-give-a-damn-adventure life out of it. That was an unnecessary picture, but that's what it feels like.
Here's the kicker- I am also in love -I guess I should mention that. Even though the adventure life has been sucked out, it has been doubly replaced with the L-word.
So there's that. Kind of a doozy. I mean, if you KNOW me, that bomb is a big, lethal deal.
And I'm just sitting here with these two polar opposite feelings and just looking at them. Kind of like being at a family dinner with both your current fiance and your ex-long-term-boyfriend. Weird. Don't do that.
Most of the time, I run from the latter. I run from the feeling of being alive, I run from the feeling, thought, sound, taste and anything else to do with love. I find my aliveness in being gone. I THINK I am alive in my adventure. So instead of literally running away, I am looking love straight in the eyeballs. It's scary and I have found myself saying things I never thought I would say and doing things I used to roll my eyes at when I saw others doing or saying in public. But that's what love does to one I suppose.
Yes, the chapter of my forever alone adventures is ending quietly. I will miss those days, but I cannot spend the entirety of my time running away from life and calling it adventure number X, trying to recreate all those moments and keep searching for new ones. I especially cannot do this when love has fallen right into my lap. A new chapter has already started and I don't want to miss a second of it.
It's now.
Cue the "I told you so's."
The state I am in right now is one I have never felt before. I think it's what most people have felt by the time they are my age...heartbreak. My adventure chapter is ending, and my heart is breaking over it.
How do I know it's over?
Because I have changed. My heart has changed. It has changed in a way I can't get back like I used to be able to. I'm not bouncing back. It's like someone literally stuck a vacuum tube straight to my heart and sucked the solo-don't-give-a-damn-adventure life out of it. That was an unnecessary picture, but that's what it feels like.
Here's the kicker- I am also in love -I guess I should mention that. Even though the adventure life has been sucked out, it has been doubly replaced with the L-word.
So there's that. Kind of a doozy. I mean, if you KNOW me, that bomb is a big, lethal deal.
And I'm just sitting here with these two polar opposite feelings and just looking at them. Kind of like being at a family dinner with both your current fiance and your ex-long-term-boyfriend. Weird. Don't do that.
Most of the time, I run from the latter. I run from the feeling of being alive, I run from the feeling, thought, sound, taste and anything else to do with love. I find my aliveness in being gone. I THINK I am alive in my adventure. So instead of literally running away, I am looking love straight in the eyeballs. It's scary and I have found myself saying things I never thought I would say and doing things I used to roll my eyes at when I saw others doing or saying in public. But that's what love does to one I suppose.
Yes, the chapter of my forever alone adventures is ending quietly. I will miss those days, but I cannot spend the entirety of my time running away from life and calling it adventure number X, trying to recreate all those moments and keep searching for new ones. I especially cannot do this when love has fallen right into my lap. A new chapter has already started and I don't want to miss a second of it.
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