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James 1:19 “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.”


Recently, I have been dropping a lot of imaginary bricks on my feet. I'm not sure how the load became so heavy, but it's to the point where I cannot hold a single one more or they come tumbling down to my feet. I don't even remember where I picked up the first brick. I was probably bitter. The second one a little bit of lust. The third and fourth bricks are definitely worldly desires. The fifth pride. I could go on and on. It's amazing how quickly the weight of a brick adds up. Before you know it, you're stumbling and tripping all over them. The bricks I carry around sometimes dictate my mood, my likes and dislikes and even my decisions. 
I know that it doesn't matter how many bricks I accrue. I could have 5 bricks for every letter in the alphabet and it'd be okay. That part is hard for me to grasp. I can have 928342 bricks on my back and it's OKAY? Why would it ever be even close to okay? 
Mercy. Grace. A sovereign God. 
Although, sometimes these don't feel like answers to my tripping mess and sloppy life.. in my heart, I know Truth. And I know my human mind isn't always going to UNDERSTAND or even come close to fathoming grace, I just have to accept it; and know that it's not a free ticket to be a screwball and claim a "YOLO" life. But, rather, rest assured in the fact that my human tendencies are covered. 
Do I pick up more bricks because I know I'm covered by grace? No. 
When I land another brick, is it easy to let go and give up to God (Who has already covered my entirely with mercy and grace and doesn't even see this "brick") ? No. 
But my merciful God is also a patient one. 
Will He allow me to keep one carrying the weight of so many bricks, plus accumulated struggles and burdens and worries and hurt and fears all by myself? Yes.
Is He there the whole time..Yes. 
Does He want to help? YES! 
The only thing I need to do to quit dropping bricks on my feet is not to just cry out to Him. I feel like in all too desperate times we cry out to God when we should really be listening, all ears.
See we do the trudging along without His help and then we think we're humbling ourselves and swallowing our pride when we cry out to Him, and I guess we sort of are.. But a step further would be to just listen right? Just stop trying and HEAR what the God who can carry endless burdens has to say.
I'm no saint, not a leader, not the perfect friend, no Biblical guru, but I write all this because it's simply on my heart. And if it's on mine, then it's probably on someone else's too. 
This week smell like Jesus.
Don't let the devil eat your lunch.
Don't let pride steal your happiness.
Be a listener, not just to others but to your own heart and for the knocking from our great God.
He's there. Unload. 

White Gurl Preachin.

"Ruin my dreams and plans" to some might sound like tragedy.

But I want nothing more than to love God and His majesty.

He’s brand new every day but I can’t start to change,

The ways of this life that get me nowhere but

Beneath the lies, and schemes, and players that just seem like they’re trying for the same American Dreams as me.

But who I am to want a picket fence when I can have the Pearly Gates?

Why chase a dream when I can chase the creator of all things?

-Beginning and end and even the moment that we’re all in.

You sing Amazing Grace but choose to play in the human rat race.

I can’t erase my humanness, but I can choose to ace the test.

See we all have a choice, to choose purpose and have a voice

Or just continue and live this Main Street mundane.

I’ll choose to know

I’ll choose to make known

The greatest name in all of history

-Greatest sacrifice ever shown.

Now I can live and choose daily

Not because I’m just a religious kid.

But because of what my Savior did.

Audio :)  

..White girrrrl out.

On the ground.

I am literally sitting on my bathroom floor as I write this post. Why? Might you ask..

I have actually been in here for about 2 hours now, doubled over in pain, nauseas, exhausted and achy. Can't get anything in or out. And my abdominal/stomach is in more bloody pain than I have ever experienced.

pause.

I just broke the record..
Hadn't hurled since the 7th grade, SEVENTH GRADE! And just times sixed it. ugh. done. Back to this post..waaah.


Sooo this whole episode was quite necessary. Kind of like what pastor spoke on today at church. Our flesh getting devoured by the devil so that we can see our ways are wrong.. or not and just stay in the flesh, getting your flesh devoured by the devil and all the while turning your back on God.
Here's how I am relating vomiting with what I learned at church:

Pains = I know what I'm doing is wrong, but do it anyways
Hurling (x6) = Devil eating my flesh
Aftermath (You don't even want to know) = Staying in sin
Hot shower = Coming back to Truth

See this lil disaster tonight (I'm a vomit phobe folks) was necessary for me to see how wrongly I was treating my body. I had to be "devoured by the Devil" to understand and make the light go on, that something has to give! My body is a temple. A temple that crossfits 6 times a week and runs 4. But I had been lazy and just filling my body with what was convenient. Not taking the time to weigh, portion and pack healthy- let alone paleo meals was hurting me! I suffered because of my lack of care and laziness.
Do I feel better now? Of course I do.
Am I eating donuts now? NEGATIVE.

I see our forgiveness as simple as this:
If you toss your cookies, then you aren't likely to return to those cookies 5 minutes after said tossing.
If we sin and are forgiven of our sin, WHY would we return to said sin?

ponder..?


Moral of it all for me:
-THANK YOU JESUS FOR FORGIVENESS AND MERCY. And healing :)
-Eat FREAKIN clean!
                  I plan on eating all homemade food this week. No processed nonsense. Vegetables, protein and fruit. ..Jump on my bandwagon.

WHY OWE EW !

Dear YOU,

I'm making a pledge to you right here, right now. You may be like, What? I don't hardly know you. Or I haven't seen you in years.. or maybe even, yeah right, you won't keep it, just save it.
But here's the thing- I need to. I want to. And quite frankly, I have to. I have to commit to the people who have made up pieces of my life. Some pieces are just corner pieces, and others are giant chunks in the center of my crazy life puzzle, but all play a part nonetheless.
And yes, this is specifically aimed a little better for some rather than others, but it can be an across the board thing :)

To the YOU that I have taken advantage of, taken for granted, and been incredibly out of touch. Sorry is an understatement. This blog is an understatement and cowardly. But I love you and cherish you more than I have ever been able to tell you. I don't show it and we both know that. I'm not sure how to fix this one, but I'm going to make baby steps. Remember that it's just as hard for you as it is for me. That I'm not trying to lash out, be harsh or inconsiderate.. but sometimes those topics push me over the edge. We push each other over the edge. I didn't want any of this to happen, I don't like it and I don't like what I've made of it. But I know God has an awesome plan for my life through it all and I pray you stay in it.

To the YOU that I am neither all or nothing with. To the one I go MIA for a few days, weeks, and even months. You have got to understand where I'm coming from..and maybe you already do. I need you here to make myself believe. My heart knows, but my head tries to outsmart her. I can't apologize for being human and carrying past hurt with me..and for simply being scared. But I can certainly apologize for every roller coaster and let down I ever put you through. I may be the most independent and strong girl you know. But when it comes to what you have, I am scared to death. Don't write yourself out of my life just yet. My brain will catch up to my heart.

To the YOU that has been there somehow through this all. Maybe a day at a time. Maybe checking in every month or so. You are what gets me through the down. Your words mean more than you can imagine. Your simple text picks up my whole day. I don't have you here physically, so everything else just proves that you are genuine and care. Or that I just crossed your mind at some point. Either way, you and your words mean so much to me. Thank you.

So what's the pledge?
To try and give each of you what you have given to me. To not take your words and letters and time for myself but to recycle them back to others, maybe even back to you someday. 
I am still claiming my humanness, but as a daughter of the King I think it's right and fair that I don't use that as a cop out. My claim to being human should not justify mediocrity or forgetfulness. 

BECAUSE I STINKIN LOVE EVERYONE IN MY LIFE AND NEED TO SHOW IT.
:)

Your Nike shorts are causing me to stumble.

Just some rants. 3, 2, 1.. GO!

Girls in ATX, specifically the ones near those 5ish blocks around UT have the most ridiculous wardrobe. Seriously, we researched ;) Katie and I literally counted 20 females in this lazy sororish attire, within TWO blocks. Granted, it's totally OKAY if you're in a massive t-shirt and neon nike shorts if you're coming to or from the gym, running or some kind of activity like that. However, to make this your staple outfit is about the dumbest thing ever. Not cute. The designer sandals and pearls don't bring it all together. Stacy and Clinton would SO be with me on this one :)
If nothing else, Katie and I enjoy keeping track of these loverly little outfits (and frat daddys roaming the ATX) hahaa!


Next!
I really enjoy where I work. I get to meet lots of people and see kiddos and work with a great, fun staff. Here are some things that I also love..mainly related to work:

I adore seeing dads with their kids at the mall. Because A) they're present in their children's lives. B) The majority of them are so stinkin awesome and just having a ball pushin their little strollers and holding their kiddos hand.
It's really encouraging to see that outside of the church environment. I don't mean to sound like non-church goers are awful parents, but secular raising of children differs from Godly upbringing... typically. So it's just REALLY nice to see legit parents when I'm not at church, that's all.
Anyways, I never realized how much I am wired to desire a lil family. And seeing role model parents in public takes away a somewhat tainted view I have somehow acquired as of late..even though i have a massive love for little ones. I soak up every second a kiddo comes into Loft with their mommy or daddy. I try to make them laugh and mainly, I just can't wipe the smile off my face while they're there. I adore children. And I REALLY never knew how much I would miss having kids in my life 5 days a week..until I didn't. I know I'm not called to be an educator, but shoot.. crossfit kids in the house? I need some more rugrats in my life stat! They keep you young right?
End rant..
Stroller dads, rock on!!




...here's the reference to my title:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_FJa1kJY5k


From a Chi Alpha group, not meant to be offensive, sillies :)

892 Reasons Why Beating Yourself Up is Pointless:

Enjoy you one random reader of this blog!

Not really 892, but I am feeling a bit frustrated as the week is coming to a close and wanted to talk about... dun da na nuhhh: failures.

Super!

It happens. (A LOOOOOT, in my book) and there's got to be a better way to handle them then the way I do, but trust me I'm working on it.

Okay, cut to the chase, here's what's up.

There are just a few things in my life that I will allow to get me down, angry, frustrated to the point of using french language, and occasionally even cry- but not in front of anyone, okay!

Those things would be: (I'm being really humble and vulnerable right now.. enemies feel free to jot down my weaknesses)

1. Not making a superior happy, doing my job wrong, some how failing someone who has given me responsibility etc etc.

Dude, when I eff up at work or let someone down (which is pretty rare) I feel like absolute caca. I beat myself up and try to fix everything. I do better than normal to try to make up for my mistake. It eats me alive if I mess up in that scenario. I wear it like a chain around my ankle literally until I have verbal recognition that it's okay.

Why do I do this?!
I know that I have all the recognition I need in Christ. I KNOW THIS! Why the crap does human error bog me down so much? Hmmph. Uhh cause I'm human. Bingo.
As a perfectionist, if and when I mess up, it's a big deal. Don't ever underestimate the thought I put in to things. I really do think way too much. I over analyze everything and always think that I could have done more. Could have tried harder, and at the end of the day with that mindset, I never win. It's rough.

"Sasha, just stop caring about what other people think. Problem solved!"

NO, no, no. To all you folks who are like "yeah, I just do me, I don't give a frank what people think." BUUUULLL CRAP! We all care! If we didn't, you'd probably have either a zillion friends or no friends. We do things everyday because somewhere down the road somebody influenced us to do it that way or we just wanted to impress them. If we didn't care, we wouldn't ask what looks good, how we should cut our hair, where we should live, what they picture us doing in the future, who they picture us with, blah blah blah. YOU FREAKING CARE. Stop trying to be a badass, and just realize you're human and you have feelings and you care.

There's nothing wrong with that. (Should you do everything everyone tells you to? No, but the point is, in some way, shape or form, others' opinions matter to us)

Sorry, sorry. Off the soap box.

2. Physically. This is a BIGG'N. Shucks, man. I have no idea what, how, or why my friggen little brain is wired to get so amped up when I am in a gym, lifting, running, swimming, anything physical and anything competitive (..orrrr that I can make a competition to in my own brain).

This one gets me the most, and the hardest.

Men and women alike can feel me on this.

Ladies: Striving to look better than her, life more, run faster, look better while doing it, eat cleaner, have better form, have an awesome outfit...I could go on and on.

Gentleman: Be stronger, run faster, push harder, better endurance, better game, more versatile, get bigger, blah blah blah.

A. When I have an off night at the gym. I GO NUTS. Anything from hitting, punching and throwing things (Noooo, not in public!) to crying like a little girl who just fell off her bike. Man it gets me! There's this little dude in there, inside of me, that is NOT friendly, and he tells me that I failed. Not only did I fail on the board, I failed myself, I failed my coach, I failed and let that other girl beat me on and on it goes. Failure, failure, failure. He's screaming it real loud right now. The worst part? There is no fix. I can't just make up and get verbal recognition and not have failed now.

Optimists who are reading this are probably cringing, "Put in the work to not fail next time!" Awesome thanks! That made everything better! Why didn't I think of that!? You do realize that there will always be some one faster, stronger, and that there will always be a day that i straight up suck? Annnnd that I am a little bit of a pessimist. I work hard, not jsut because I wanna be better than barbell barbie, but because I care and am passionate about it. I can't just easily let it go, I wish I could.. but then my drive would almost be nonexistent, I think.

Ideally, I would love to hit a sucky day hard in the face and then turn around and say, "Wth, gonna hit it hard tomorrow, new day". I'm getting there.

But, right now, I am in the defeated mode. I think this back and forth of success and failure and trying and losing and winning has made me the individual I am. I'm a little strong willed ..ok a lot. And this is how I get stuff done I guess :)

Picket Fences.

Daydream 101:

He's got Ruthie's hand and she has Jude's. She refused to coordinate them all, way too cliche. But Easter attire nonetheless. He's got slacks and a nice pastel button down on. Ruthie and Jude are in crazy colors and prints, like living Easter eggs. She's wearing a simple dress, but killer heels. They drop the twins off at Sunday school and walk to their usual seats for service. Family is in town, so they saved a few extra spots. Everyone arrives and hugs are exchanged. Lunch follows service at their house. The whole backyard is decorated and set up for all the guests. The kids play on the trampoline and blow bubbles. Grown ups sit on the porch after lunch and sip sweet tea. Laughter and stories fill the house and yard. When everyone heads home, Jude wraps himself around his mother's leg, "happy easter mommy!". Ruthie and daddy come soaring into the room and he kisses mommy on the cheek, "Yeah, happy easter mommy!".

Close curtain, end daydream.


There are so many days when I want to fast forward to this life. And then there's days when I am soooo disgusted by it and want nothing to do with it. I don't ever want to find contentment in the American dream. Ever. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, it's fun. Yes, it's full of great relationships, opportunities, family, jobs, travel and a number of other things. But the American dream is not what Sasha Rihana Arms was created for. I was created for so so so SO much stinkin more than a white picket fence and a precious little family. Can I desire these things? Certainly. Should I let these desires be my motivation in life? Negative.

For those of you who don't have a relationship with our Creator, this may just sound nuts. And I pray that some day you'll understand and desire this in your own life. For those of you who do, keep me, and every other brother and sister accountable. We need reminders that the picket fence IS NOT all there is. We have commandments to live up to as disciples. Simple commandments that we daily forget. That I absolutely daily forget. What's my purpose? Why am I here? Oh yeah.. TO KNOW GOD AND MAKE HIM KNOWN.

duh, Sasha.

I'm not here for anything else.

Once we become so engulfed in this world, I find it millions harder to remember that this is my sole purpose of being. It's so frustrating to know that I can live a "good life" and be a "good person" and COMPLETELY, continue to miss why I am here. A good person doesn't necessarily make God known. But someone who makes God known is good. Right? Someone who loves God and others. Who is kingdom minded at all times. Check my theology on that one.. But it makes sense in my brain.

I'm not worthy of being called a good person. Not in the least.

Anywho.. just jotting some thoughts down.

:)