892 Reasons Why Beating Yourself Up is Pointless:

Enjoy you one random reader of this blog!

Not really 892, but I am feeling a bit frustrated as the week is coming to a close and wanted to talk about... dun da na nuhhh: failures.

Super!

It happens. (A LOOOOOT, in my book) and there's got to be a better way to handle them then the way I do, but trust me I'm working on it.

Okay, cut to the chase, here's what's up.

There are just a few things in my life that I will allow to get me down, angry, frustrated to the point of using french language, and occasionally even cry- but not in front of anyone, okay!

Those things would be: (I'm being really humble and vulnerable right now.. enemies feel free to jot down my weaknesses)

1. Not making a superior happy, doing my job wrong, some how failing someone who has given me responsibility etc etc.

Dude, when I eff up at work or let someone down (which is pretty rare) I feel like absolute caca. I beat myself up and try to fix everything. I do better than normal to try to make up for my mistake. It eats me alive if I mess up in that scenario. I wear it like a chain around my ankle literally until I have verbal recognition that it's okay.

Why do I do this?!
I know that I have all the recognition I need in Christ. I KNOW THIS! Why the crap does human error bog me down so much? Hmmph. Uhh cause I'm human. Bingo.
As a perfectionist, if and when I mess up, it's a big deal. Don't ever underestimate the thought I put in to things. I really do think way too much. I over analyze everything and always think that I could have done more. Could have tried harder, and at the end of the day with that mindset, I never win. It's rough.

"Sasha, just stop caring about what other people think. Problem solved!"

NO, no, no. To all you folks who are like "yeah, I just do me, I don't give a frank what people think." BUUUULLL CRAP! We all care! If we didn't, you'd probably have either a zillion friends or no friends. We do things everyday because somewhere down the road somebody influenced us to do it that way or we just wanted to impress them. If we didn't care, we wouldn't ask what looks good, how we should cut our hair, where we should live, what they picture us doing in the future, who they picture us with, blah blah blah. YOU FREAKING CARE. Stop trying to be a badass, and just realize you're human and you have feelings and you care.

There's nothing wrong with that. (Should you do everything everyone tells you to? No, but the point is, in some way, shape or form, others' opinions matter to us)

Sorry, sorry. Off the soap box.

2. Physically. This is a BIGG'N. Shucks, man. I have no idea what, how, or why my friggen little brain is wired to get so amped up when I am in a gym, lifting, running, swimming, anything physical and anything competitive (..orrrr that I can make a competition to in my own brain).

This one gets me the most, and the hardest.

Men and women alike can feel me on this.

Ladies: Striving to look better than her, life more, run faster, look better while doing it, eat cleaner, have better form, have an awesome outfit...I could go on and on.

Gentleman: Be stronger, run faster, push harder, better endurance, better game, more versatile, get bigger, blah blah blah.

A. When I have an off night at the gym. I GO NUTS. Anything from hitting, punching and throwing things (Noooo, not in public!) to crying like a little girl who just fell off her bike. Man it gets me! There's this little dude in there, inside of me, that is NOT friendly, and he tells me that I failed. Not only did I fail on the board, I failed myself, I failed my coach, I failed and let that other girl beat me on and on it goes. Failure, failure, failure. He's screaming it real loud right now. The worst part? There is no fix. I can't just make up and get verbal recognition and not have failed now.

Optimists who are reading this are probably cringing, "Put in the work to not fail next time!" Awesome thanks! That made everything better! Why didn't I think of that!? You do realize that there will always be some one faster, stronger, and that there will always be a day that i straight up suck? Annnnd that I am a little bit of a pessimist. I work hard, not jsut because I wanna be better than barbell barbie, but because I care and am passionate about it. I can't just easily let it go, I wish I could.. but then my drive would almost be nonexistent, I think.

Ideally, I would love to hit a sucky day hard in the face and then turn around and say, "Wth, gonna hit it hard tomorrow, new day". I'm getting there.

But, right now, I am in the defeated mode. I think this back and forth of success and failure and trying and losing and winning has made me the individual I am. I'm a little strong willed ..ok a lot. And this is how I get stuff done I guess :)

Picket Fences.

Daydream 101:

He's got Ruthie's hand and she has Jude's. She refused to coordinate them all, way too cliche. But Easter attire nonetheless. He's got slacks and a nice pastel button down on. Ruthie and Jude are in crazy colors and prints, like living Easter eggs. She's wearing a simple dress, but killer heels. They drop the twins off at Sunday school and walk to their usual seats for service. Family is in town, so they saved a few extra spots. Everyone arrives and hugs are exchanged. Lunch follows service at their house. The whole backyard is decorated and set up for all the guests. The kids play on the trampoline and blow bubbles. Grown ups sit on the porch after lunch and sip sweet tea. Laughter and stories fill the house and yard. When everyone heads home, Jude wraps himself around his mother's leg, "happy easter mommy!". Ruthie and daddy come soaring into the room and he kisses mommy on the cheek, "Yeah, happy easter mommy!".

Close curtain, end daydream.


There are so many days when I want to fast forward to this life. And then there's days when I am soooo disgusted by it and want nothing to do with it. I don't ever want to find contentment in the American dream. Ever. Yes, it's beautiful. Yes, it's fun. Yes, it's full of great relationships, opportunities, family, jobs, travel and a number of other things. But the American dream is not what Sasha Rihana Arms was created for. I was created for so so so SO much stinkin more than a white picket fence and a precious little family. Can I desire these things? Certainly. Should I let these desires be my motivation in life? Negative.

For those of you who don't have a relationship with our Creator, this may just sound nuts. And I pray that some day you'll understand and desire this in your own life. For those of you who do, keep me, and every other brother and sister accountable. We need reminders that the picket fence IS NOT all there is. We have commandments to live up to as disciples. Simple commandments that we daily forget. That I absolutely daily forget. What's my purpose? Why am I here? Oh yeah.. TO KNOW GOD AND MAKE HIM KNOWN.

duh, Sasha.

I'm not here for anything else.

Once we become so engulfed in this world, I find it millions harder to remember that this is my sole purpose of being. It's so frustrating to know that I can live a "good life" and be a "good person" and COMPLETELY, continue to miss why I am here. A good person doesn't necessarily make God known. But someone who makes God known is good. Right? Someone who loves God and others. Who is kingdom minded at all times. Check my theology on that one.. But it makes sense in my brain.

I'm not worthy of being called a good person. Not in the least.

Anywho.. just jotting some thoughts down.

:)

In 3 months..

Over 333,000 babies are aborted.


Chew on that one. (More importantly, be an advocate for those 333,000)
http://liveaction.org/the-advocate/the-advocate-pro-life-campus-magazine



Also in three months, I have discovered more than I really would have liked.
Unfortunately, no matter how much i love fixing EVERYTHING in everyone's lives and mainly mine, sometimes.. people don't care. They can't see anything except what they're fed (typically worldly GARBAGE). And frankly, you can pour your entire soul into something that doesn't just not give anything back, it takes a little piece of you. Am I a little bitter right now? Sure. Am I gonna take it with me to Florida on Friday and then to Austin next week? NO way. I'm burying it right now. Because I also realized that IT DOESN'T MATTER how many times I do actually screw up, how many times I'm just blamed for screwing up, and how many times people assume I'm doing the wrong thing just because it's expected. People don't want to be proven wrong. People don't always want to see you do the unexpected, and those people are the people I'm giving up to God. The relationships, the worries, the constant thought of "what in the world can I do to make this right?" It's all His. Too many tears. Way too much stress and frankly..I've got an almighty God on my team ready to handle it all anyways. It's like having an infinity pool, when it's 109 degrees out in South Texas and NOT using it. ..As my dad would say, "DOH!" :)

My life has changed SO much in the past year. More than I could have EVER fathomed. The entirety though, I know God's hand has been over me every step of the way. Did I pass up a good, easy life in Tampa, filled with potential and lots of opportunities? Yup, I did. I think you've gotta pass sometimes. Sometimes you gotta take the crappy trail to get to the beautiful skyline. I passed, and look where it led me. I found out what I love (besides Jesus :) ) Although I haven't replaced those people who get me through those day to day marathons back home, with encouraging scriptures and Biblical accountability, I know that it's just a season and God has been faithful before and will be faithful again. He'll provide them at the right time. He gives us as much as we can bear, and if we can't bear it, He does.

I've written about God's timing numerous times. And I must admit, I questioned a lot in the past couple months of my life. I thought I had fallen farther than I ever would. Too far too come back. OF course I was wrong, but it is just evidence of how the Lord draws us to His heart. No matter the distraction. When you KNOW Truth, you always come back to it.

In closing on this little spiel, know that whether you're an old friend, a brand new one, or whoever you may be... I am thankful for you in my life. You brought me joy at some point and you made me smile, and for that I am thankful. You made the crappy trail, not so crappy.
For my family, especially my parents. You are my absolute backbone. People think I'm this crazy free spirit and independent girl living 1200 miles away from everything I know..but if it weren't for you I'd be sitting in the back row at some lecture hall in a class I didn't even want to major in. Thanks you for supporting my ambition..even when you didn't want it. I love you.

And thank you God for new beginnings :)

Ketchup.

Sometimes I feel so full of love it just comes spilling out.

I guess you deserve a little more explanation than just a blog. BUT, I have an entire new life here, and as much as I want to be able to keep my friendships exactly the way they were before I left, it's almost impossible. I can't begin to really live here until I can stop living the life I had there. That's a part of moving away people don't realize they HAVE to face. You have to pick one of your worlds, you can't live in both. You think you can "keep in touch" and you probably sincerely want to, it's just extremely difficult. That's the boat I'm in folks. Believe me when I say I am trying to keep you updated...but stalking my facebook is about the only way you'll be able to stay updated for the moment. Perhaps in the future, I will be able to juggle both, but right now, my focus is on my future and finding where I need to be, relationships I need to invest in here, and what I need to be doing with the time God has given me.

On that note, what have I been doing with my time?
Welllll I've been blessed with a full time job, that not only pays the rent but comes with awesome co workers and food ;) I have my own place and a puppy, Sidney! I teach PE part time as well and babysit every now and then. Crossfit is my outlet in a lot of ways. I LOVE it. I'm getting certified in February here in San Antonio. Kinda sorta have a church home here, I go to an amazing college ministry called Emerge, such a blessing. And I go to another church on Sundays. It's difficult not knowing every single face in passing at church though. I miss that so much about home. It's amazing how much just a familiar face can make you feel 100 times better. But, I don't go to church to "feel good", so there's lesson number one of about a bajillion! On the social side, I get out every now and then for a night of two stepping or a Texas country concert. But honestly, I work and workout so much I just want to sleep most nights.
In between all of that, I have decided that I am going to pursue my BBA at the University of Michigan (Lord willing!). I got to spend a weekend up there for the OSU vs. UM game with my dad and it just solidified all the dreams I had about going to that University. My theory on that one is this: Michigan has been my dream since I can remember. The only person who can make it a reality is ME. Frankly, the clock is ticking, and as long as my heart is pumping I'm going to keep stepping into the unknown. If the Lord opens a door, I go. If He shuts this one, I start over, no big deal. He's got my back!

Sasha, you're packing up and leaving again?! Well, my life shouldn't consist of a city and people. My life is my relationship with Christ and how I make Him known everyday. I'll be honest, I haven't been coming close to that. At all. Thankfully, His "mercies endure forever" and He is still making me new everyday. I'm taking all of these lessons one day at a time, and I'm a work in progress. Whether the end result gets me to Ann Arbor, Michigan or back home in Tampa, I have no idea. But I know who's hands my life is in. Do I still worry about meeting deadlines and making the cut? AB-SO-FREAKIN-LUTELY! I trust the Lord, but I am still human, know that. But with Him I don't need to concern myself with acceptance or impressing, I will never make the cut in someone's eyes. In God's eyes though, I'm His perfect creation whom He loves endlessly. THAT is good news. :) And the people I meet along the way make the journey bearable and fun. I'm so blessed to have all of the people I do in my life!

Just a little piece of goodness the Lord has been revealing to me that I'll share with the ladies : )
Don't settle. Ever, ever, ever. And don't assume you're NOT settling by being naive. Know what you should have, want and deserve and don't take anything less. If he makes you happy, great. But get the guys who makes you happy because of his overflow of love for the Lord, which in turn makes him love YOU. Basically this: KNOW and WAIT. Put P31 into action.

Okay I'm out for now.
Maybe a real blog next time, and not 2 months later! ;)

The truth about vegan choc pudding.

..is that it's not so great. Actually, I'm repulsed at the fact I'm still eating it. Haha. First thing I have ever gotten from Whole Foods (aka fave store EVER) and not liked. It's okay, the vegan choc chip cookies were PRISTINE today. I am going to be a diabetic someday, geeeeez. OR just have no teeth from all this SUGAA. I went to the dentist this mornin.. result: 2 stinkin cavities. TWO! Ugh I suck. (this was not this morning but like four days ago) I'm real great at keeping this updated ;)

On a more relevant note:
I did FGB6 today. And I fell in love with crossfit a little more. Even though I think I was garbage, it was worth it. In the words of a fellow crossfitter I met this morning, (with a SWEET British accent, might I add) "Crossfit is like a cult, really. I mean look at all of us. Look at what we're doing!" She was a hoot. Honestly true though! Crossfit is a whole different breed of fitness. I love it and I don't plan on bailing anytime soon. At all.

Okay and this is my blogger happy post/rant. Here's the background: I was reading through some emails the other day and came across some I had sent a year or two ago with a friend of mine. Part of it really stuck out to me. I was talking about my "dreams". Some of the things I said I can't even picture myself saying (which can be both good and bad). But what really got me was how different I see this now having hindsight. But that my dreams haven't really changed.

"Oh, I have so many dreams. Just know, I would abandon these dreams any day for a much higher calling!I think I have already mentioned this one.. For as long as I can remember, I have always had a heart for children, especially those in need. Because of that, I desire to adopt a child if the Lord blesses me with the opportunity, and a husband of course. But beyond that, I have this crazy dream of adopting a child from every continent. I mean obviously not antarctica. And I would probably not adopt from North America, but you get my drift. It's not impossible, but it's pretty out there

I definitely dream of cheering and fitness competing again. I dream of moving away and finding the place I "fit" instead of the melting pot of Tampa. I dream of traveling the world for a year for pleasure and missions. I dream of teaching my kids Bible stories and how to french braid and take them kayaking and picking them up from their grandparent's house happy as can be.

I really dream about a family.

More prevalent would be my desire to just finish school on top and life magically falls into place. I find a great job anywhere in the country as long as they have beaches or mountains or something awesome to offer and then out of nowhere I fall in love, get married and have a family. Pretty simple, but I know that's just an "American Dream". I kind of want nothing to do with it. God didn't call me to live the American Dream He called me to be a disciple, to know Him and make Him known. Sure, I can still do all of those thing and bring glory to the Lord, I know that. But, I don't want it to tempt me from my true calling. It's like the American dream is sitting on a platter next to God's unknown plan for my life, the dream looks SO good and is so tempting, I would rather just not be able to see it.

I would describe the kind of guy I "dream" of, but I just can't. I feel like a lessen the value of who God has set apart for me by trying to make some non-existent, dream husband up. I think I talked about that in my very first blog. You can see my blunt side in that one, but it's all so true. Check it out if you get the chance. Whoever God has in store is perfect. I couldn't put a better label on him than that-not military, athlete, pastor, whatever. So yeah, those are some of my dreams!"

I know we go through seasons in our walk with the Lord just like anything else. Maybe I was at a great place then. It just encourages me to get back there. And to be able to tell someone that I want nothing to do with the American dream. Cause in my heart, I don't. But sometimes it's just easier to fall into that mindset. (But I mean I'm a crossfitter...since when do I choose easy!!?) I loved this, "I feel like a lessen the value of who God has set apart for me by trying to make some non-existent, dream husband up. " Woooo! Did I really say that?!? My own words speak volumes to me, right now. I understood then, that the Lord would provide in time what I need. And right now, I need to do the same. No matter how crappy the situation, it seems to me, my God always provides. This too is in His hands. And I'm okay with that.

Truth Hurts?

Not even on the plane to come home and I'm observing things definitely blog worthy. Well, actually these are status worthy things, but I feel like people hate me when I post so many statuses haha.

IF I did though, this is what they would say:

Dear woman behind me in the terminal, thank you for sharing your tastes in music with me and everyone around you. Opinion: IT SUCKS. Turn your freakin music down..you're kinda sorta missing the point of headphones. #genius.

Yes, man in front of me in the terminal, we can also hear your youtube videos. I'm guessing you searched for "hillbilly gator huntin" or "rednecks falling over"? Again, HEADPHONES. #howoldareyou?

Annnnnd now I'm loling in the terminal. Reading Damnyouautocorrect.com. HILAR.

Check it.

Now, from today which was my plane ride back to Texas.

I decided to wear my toe shoes through the airport and got quite a bit of conversation from it. While waiting in line at Chili's, the guy in front of me (about my age), turns around and says, "hey are those things comfy?" And we continued to chat about my lovely shoes until I had to order lol. I sat down and got on my computer and got my food before they did. As their order came, he walked by me and says, "Later, toe feet!". HA! I didn't realize he was talking to me at first either! Too great.
One of the TSA security guys and my flight attendant also conversed with me about my shoes. You know how guys can use puppies to attract chicks? Well I think my shoes almost work in the same way haaaaaa! Except they attract mainly dudes. Occasionally ladies will ask me about them. Either way I LOVE IT :)

Crossfit makes me curse sometimes. HA!

Haha I got this picture from someone who does crossfit at TBC. (If you live in SA, TOTES check out one of the free classes. Best workout you will ever experience.)

Anyways, not only because I never get injured while in my crossfit classes, I'm just obsessed. The work outs never get old and the coaches are phe-nommmmm. Not gonna lie, I was super intimidated, but now it's just a challenge to keep up with the veterans :) And I notice the difference in how my body is reacting to these workouts versus going to the same bodypump class everyday. Insane. My core has NEVER been as sore as it is right now. I freakin love it! Today was my first REAL class. The ones I've been going to for the past 2 weeks are fundamental and entry level classes. Which, by the way still kick butt. The work outs consist of a warm up, ante, and WOD. Here's today's lovely lineup:

ANTE:
150 Wall Ball (low squats with soft weighted ball, tossed to a target on the wall. But you stand like a foot from the wall)
1 x for time- 7min:40sec was my time.

(Most the guys used 12 and 20, but I used the 8 ball...150 is a freakin lot. I could have done 12 though seeing I was the first one done haha).

WOD:

1000 meter row
50 Thrusters
30 Pull ups

1 x for time- 12min:38sec was my time.

This wasn't incredibly awful until I got half way into the thrusters. Because Dan had me do these last night. But the up side to the ones this morning is that it was just the 35 lb bar. But trust me, that was plenty. AND I had a medium band for the pull ups. It sucked. I was cursing a little bit haha, it's what happens when I work out sometimes. But, it felt so good to FINISH. ay dios mio!

And nowwwww my leg. Freakin garbage. Had to cancel my photo shoot on Sunday in FL cause I look like roadkill :( Oh well. I'm still going to the beach :) Just gonna sport a bruise haha.


My masterpiece of a bruise. It literally makes a perfect semi circle from the front of my knee to the side of my thigh. I have a golfball sized knot/bruise on my other leg too. haha fail.

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