I've fallen back into this unmotivated, unconquering girl with big unrealistic dreams- unrealistic only because I have done nothing to make them happen & I believe that they won't.
Someone pointed out something to me the other day. She asked me if I could even be happy if I were to actually be in a relationship- the thing that I swore I wanted along with every other chick my age, right? Part of that dream. It seemed so hard or bash hearing someone put it that way. I was honestly dumbfounded. I wanted to come to my defense, but she was right. I didn't want that to be my answer, but I couldn't avoid it. Is there something wrong with me?! Is this the Lor'ds way of telling me I'm GOING to be single..?(which is alright cause I can still fulfill the adoption dream, but that's a different story). But really, this single question shook me, it was like EARTH TO SHA-SHA!!
I sat there and thought about how she was right.
Here's what I got:
I am completely okay with doing everything alone, or on my own. And the thought of having someone do things FOR me, "just because" is absolutely foreign to me. (No, I don't mean no one has ever done nice things for me..you get the idea!) Foreign and it scares me. One, because I like being a giver (my mother would tell you otherwise though). And when people give, do, or say good things for me, to me, or about me - I don't know what TO do. And it's not a bad thing, but it's certainly not a good thing. I don't try to do it all on my own, it just happens. Second reason why it scares me is because other than God and family, I can't comprehend someone being transparent enough with me to in turn give ME the power to control a portion of their happiness. That scares me.
I don't want to take something or be a part of something that I can never set back on the shelf the exact way it was before I found it. I don't want that power or control. I want control in my own life, not anyone else's. And that's the ironic part, I will never be able to control even a fraction of my own life.
Am I supposed to be able to embrace dually being a giver and a receiver? Is this just a phase? Am I wrong for being okay with this independence and sometimes even proud of it?
This is one of my posts where I really would love input. It's not really a black and white topic, so write me on this one!
"Bacteria and archaea make up the prokaryotes.." Oh yeah, I'm in Biology.
When it all comes down to it...you seem like you need the type of man who is happy with life before you come along, he is fulfilled...and you are the icing on the cake. Some relationships are based on being half empty until there is another person. I was that way for a long time. Now...I think I am intimidated to date someone who does not need me. Prior I was sick of being the one who was saving everyone else. I let the men act like children/babies and therefore when I was done acting like a mother and wanted to be a partner it lead to them cheating to find some other girl who would clean up their mess and follow them with a mop. You need someone with stability and the grace of God in their live to accept that no one is perfect. Pretend you are the sandcastle with the moat and he is soft flowing water that fills it just to the right level. The other men are the half empty or the really full (of themselves) they come to knock your castle down or they leave your moat dry and let the animals suffer....Yes my perspective is all babble but I've been doing this dating game for over 10yrs!!! OVER 10! The game changed when I was saved. It changed again when I lost my way...and it has forever changed now by a series of events that have made me stronger, wiser, and less vunerable. You are a strong woman and wondering is the best part....you give it to God and he provides the prospects, it's your job to stick up for what you believe in and feel is right for you with the assistance of our Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteOh and on an added note: I commend you for your adoption comment. I myself suggested 2yrs ago if I was not in a committed relationship by 27 (now) I would seek other ways of having children...I was not ready to heal from my crushing devestations at age 25 to be ready at 27....so I stopped putting a time line on things. I have no problem with adoption or other methods. Someone asked me last week what is the ONE thing I must fulfill in my life to be internally happy....give life was my answer...and his snarky remark was "What if you never marry"...oh well?
ReplyDeleteSomeone said Keep running the race, eyes on Jesus, and never look back. When you see a racer running out of the perimeter of your eyes then watch to see if he can keep up or pass you. Now that's one to consider as a life partner.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is a wonderful and hard thing. Your passion for Christ needs to be fueled by your partner.
I was 26 and Earl was 35 when we got married...that was really old in the 70's. Our first child came when I was 31 and he was 40. God's timing is perfect...ask Sarah or Elizabeth.
And God's perfect partner includes incredible physical attraction and chemical passion!!!!!!!! Don't let Satan tell you all the good guys are taken. That's from below and it smells like smoke! God has this wedding day planned since the foundation of the earth. He has saved his money and has the perfect place and gown reserved. Just come trusting the One that loves you beyond all else.
Oh Sasha, I can relate to you on this. I've wrestled with the Lord many a time recently about what I would do if He called me to be single as I am now for the rest of my life. When you look at this scary possibility in the grand scheme of things, imagining ten years in a single second, it is paralyzing -- we weren't meant to consider every lonely moment we would ever have for the rest of our lives when we're 21.
ReplyDeleteI feel like God's way is to wake up every morning and ask ourselves, "Can I go just one more day like this? Can I survive another day with my friends, family, and Savior that I have right now?" Just dying to ourselves every day rather than trying to at once for a lifetime is a lot easier, both to do and to hold to. :)
In the meantime, if you ever want to watch movies with a tub of D'Lites with me, please don't hesitate to ask! Hahaha
Sasha, I seriously think you are one of the most beautiful girls on the planet. No joke. And the thought of you being single has always baffled me, but I really think that a guy good enough for you just hasn't strolled along. Honestly. I just wanted to let you know I am legitimately praying for you to find someone, (or someone to find you), if that is what you want. And if it's not...then I will still be praying for you :) promise!
ReplyDeleteJules!!!!
ReplyDeleteAhhh that is completely precious to me and means A LOOOOT.
dang.
Like I appreciate it more than you know. You can pray for the Lord's will in my life...whether that includes a guy or not :)