How it is

I typically get the urge to write about "meaningful" things when even my crazy neighbors are long passed out at 3 in the morning. I like to think that's how God likes to work, keep us on our toes- but always good stuff no matter what time it is. Of course, I'm sure keeping us on our toes is not His intention.
Right now, even though I feel like it's a good writing time, not much else feels right. You now, I still get that can't eat, can't sleep, reach for the stars feeling every now and then, but mostly, I'm just here. Is there a more literary correct word than wishy washy? It fits. I wish I had someone tellin me, don't put all your eggs in one basket! But honestly, I'm asking a bajillion question- what is the basket breaks, is it selfish to have too many eggs, what if I drop them, what if he steals one..blah blah blah. it goes on. I make every moment revolve around these things or issues that have just consumed me. It's humiliating. I used to be able to write encouraging spiritual blogs, sometimes pick me ups. And now this is all I've got. Just a pile of word vomit of my worries.
And I think of how God loves me the same, whether I write sucky depressing blogs or not, He loves me. It all comes back to the beauty of grace, infinite grace. incomprehensible grace. abounding grace. It's easy to talk about grace because it's the truth and it's reassuring, but what's hard to talk about is what it covers. Which is everything; every dirty little secret is covered by this grace. It's scary to think that our loving God was so much different in His dispersion of this grace before the new covenant. I can't even imagine living under that law. How intimidating and absolutely terrifying to have to live that way. But even though I have this new covenant that I'm covered by, shouldn't I still want to live not in the fear of the old covenant, but in the same sacramental ways in which they did? Shouldn't I want to be a daily living sacrifice just because I want to, not because I'm afraid I'll get struck by lightning or something if I don't? Oh wait!! and then someone tries to play the grace card right about now. The Christians' "Get Out of Jail Free" card, am I right? "God understands, I'm human, He forgives and loves me anyway- I only cheated on her once." Or maybe, "It's another voice that I gave back to God, it would have had a terrible life anyways, I did Him a favor", "God doesn't make mistakes, and it's natural for me to feel this way. If it's not okay, then God made a mistake, but then wouldn't that make Him not God?"..I could honestly go on, but they get tricky and touchy..
Answering questions like that with grace is true. Yes, He forgives but our grace card came with a price. It should be safety net, not slack line that you daily teeter across- that's not what His amazing grace is for.
Will it ever out spend or stretch out and be useless? Nope. But our hearts and minds need to understand the price paid is far greater than whatever we think we must spend it on.


...TBC!