Dear _________________________,

I can't possibly sit here and write the second blog on Proverbs 31 when my heart is as bitter as it is right now.
I also can't possibly sit here and write about my bitterness and try to make it seem like life is hard.

In reality, if you're reading this, you probably have eaten more than once today, taken a shower, drank clean water, seen friends or family, and a number of other normal things we take for granted. All I want to do is rant about how I hate this "fake it till you make it" mentality that has taken over my life. How no one knows or seems to care how me or anyone else ACTUALLY feels, and can't even tell that everything you say and do is a show. Then i realize that's nothing. Nothing in comparison to being kidnapped and sold as a sex slave, being a child forced to take care of your family because your parents were killed, being so sick you can't even have friends. Having to erase the "fake it" part with "just keep on".

I know God doesn't belittle our problems and hurts and fears, so why do we belittle those who suffer so much more? Without even noticing, my everyday life screams selfishness. I don't know how to stop worrying about why he doesn't like me, or what my GPA will be, or if I'm going to make a good teacher, or if I'm doing my job right. I just don't understand why these things matter so much. They don't even count for anything. That stupid boy doesn't count for anything, neither does my GPA, or any current of future career. They count Z-E-R-O.
So screw trying to fit into your freakin cookie cutter. My heart is in NONE of this. I want nothing of it, except what the Lord has planned for me to use my education for, my hobbies, my gifts. My heart is made to only have passion for things Kingdom minded.

Yes, I hope this sounds harsh, brash, audacious and unreserved.
I'm just not doing it anymore. Sunday school language taught me how to be a bottle fed believer who only knows the inside of big gorgeous southern baptist churches. I don't wanna be inside this chicken coop of believers. I want to throw conservatism aside and embrace life. I don't need a stained glass tabernacle and the vocabulary that matches to be a saint. I wanna show love. I wanna spew love. I wanna give love and forget what I seem to think are problems.
Help me forget.


Luke 6:38
Give, and it will be given to you. They will pour into your lap a good measure, pressed down, shaken together, and running over. For by your standard of measure it will be measured to you in return.

1 Corinthians 13:3
If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it; but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.