I've been 100% successful in creating partial blogs lately. And in turn, not posting anything. I just haven't really had much to say lately (Say what?!). I would actually REALLY love for people to just "know" what's going on and overwhelm me with incredibly much too personal and prying conversations. Similar to the the transparency of my posts. But I still wait for everyone to jump aboard THAT train. :) haha.
So instead, I'm gonna write a catch up blog like I used to when I first moved away from Tampa.
This is more for me than you, soooo go ahead and open pinterest, try to find the best recipe for Cinnamon Roll Pancakes... and thank me later.
It is December 20 already. I can't believe I have been down here in Boca Raton for almost four months. That's a milestone for my nomadic self. And I plan to be here until the first month of June, in case you were wondering.
And then what Sash?
Well, I am certainly glad ya asked.
There's quite a few scenarios popping through my head, the usual ya know. I'll get the wildcard out of the way: Attend Portland State University for my undergrad in kinesiology. Yup. Why NOT? No reason not to. I'm 21, got a whole lot of years to make worse decisions than going back to school somewhere FAR far away.
Okay, normal plan for after Boca? This might be considered my dream plan, the one that I know won't happen, but I would love for everything to just "happen" this way. Get accepted to TSU or UT. Move in with Katie and Danielle in a house in Austin, TX. Work at lululemon, get my kines degree, coach kids crossfit again at CSC Crossfit and be around the greatest people I have ever met thus far. Oh and maybe get my dog back? haha
Reality plan? Booooo. Here goes:
Apply to schools in Florida, Texas, and a couple of other places (like Portland and Boston). Also apply to lululemons in those places.
Wait.
Wait.
Pray.
Wait.
Pray.
Get acceptance letters.
Pray.
Pray.
*#?!
Pray.
Decide.
And that's kind how she goes. I mean, shoot, if some prince charming comes along and decides he wants to REALLY change my path of destruction errrr I mean adventure, then so be it. But, right now.. I'm not in that season. I am as simple as I'm gonna be and I don't want anything to change or sway my simplicity for a little while. Let me be clearer, it would be silly to move somewhere for something that could only be for a season and leave me in some place I yet again want to leave. Gentlemen, I am open to the idea, but it will take an army to tame this world traveler. Sorry :)
As much as I know, and lots of people who have seen my pure happiness there, know the place where I feel most at home... But, I want this degree and to live a life God intended me to live and I'm at the point where I will sacrifice certain comforts to get there. Am I maybe praying for Austin? Sure. But I know He took me from there, so maybe it's over. I have to realize that. But I also know that the "dessert" I am experiencing now here in soflo is NOT what He has planned for the rest of my life. I serve a God who delivers. He's brought me to a lot of places and maybe a new one is on the way.
I'm scared to go somewhere new AGAIN, because I know what it entails. And mercy, it's not easy. But this is what I want, after 2 years of getting here, I am certain school and pursuing my dream of training athletes is where God wants me now. I'm just not sure where He'll drop me on the map.
Friends, be in prayer (especially if ya want me to live close to ya ;) ) that I would be able to discern between open doors and God given opportunities. I can look anywhere and find an open door, but there may only be one opportunity appointed by God. I am trusting I will seek HIM to get there and pursue it.
Soooo did ya find the pancakes? ;)
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Good Word(s)
"A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year..."
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
— Oriah Mountain Dreamer
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling it in her old age....
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE .....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...
A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a feeling of control over her destiny...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents..
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but it's over...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...
EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year..."
"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.
It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.
It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.
I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.
It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithlessand therefore trustworthy.
I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.
I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”
It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.
It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.
It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.
I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."
— Oriah Mountain Dreamer
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Forever and ever and ever
I have been talking to some important people in my life lately about all of the aspects of "The Life of Sash". Which let me tell ya.. has been humbling and not very multifaceted. Behind all my cool crap I do on the outside (at least I feel like it's cool haha) I am so incredibly simple. And that scares me.
Okay, everything is on the table, blog is done. I'm done. Right?
NO, no.
Ahh simplicity.
So why does simplicity scare me? What is wrong with being a simple human being?
Here's a stab- I've discovered recently that people are beginning to figure me out. Some of my little quirks and flaws, they have them pinned down to a T. CRAP MAN! It's relatable to that "backed into a corner" feeling. Like nowwww what? I have nothing left to pull out of my hat. I'm just left with me. The quirks, the flaws, the unnecessary parts of me are out in the open and I'm not sure if I like who is left. I'm not sure if I know the girl who is left. I know who she is supposed to be. What she is supposed to wear. Where she should find herself. And what kind of fellowship she should find herself amongst. But I fall where in that cluster?
Identity is something I find conflicting, intriguing, and just stinkin baffling. Yeah, I used that word.
I know you agree. So, gimme an "amen". Even you Bible thumpers, meditation mortals, and crabby creatures (catchy right?!) who think you know. You've been told a million times, right? So, you understand and you KNOW your identity inside out, forwards, backwards, and sideways.. Do you?
In one aspect, I agree. It's as simple as they told you and me. For me it was, "Your identity is found in Christ. No man's arms will ever be long enough to satisfy you like the Father. You are a daughter of the King!" That was my identity catch. But five years later, I don't question it's authenticity, I question it's meaning. I accepted this identity, but I don't think anyone else sees that. I've accepted this identity as my own, but I don't think it's portrayed- even 75% of the time. So then, is it really an identity? Can something partially done be an identity? Saying your identity is in "______" doesn't make it so. It doesn't make other people associate said identity with you. It doesn't make you feel any different either.
On the other side, it's not that simple. My identity is more than painting the perfect image of a Godly woman and aspiring to be her (these are GREAT things, don't get me wrong. But identity? No). My identity is ME. Yes, I'm aspiring to be a Proverbs 31. Yes, I'm aspiring to be a Ruth patiently waiting and praying for her Boaz. But my identity is ME. All the quirks, the flaws, the unnecessary crap I do. That's me. The way God wired Sasha Rihana Arms. And when you take it all away, it's still me. But I can't say what my identity is. I can't tell ya it's found in one spot. It's ALL OVER THE FREAKIN PLACE!
I know this totally contradicts every womanly Bible lesson I have ever received, but this is much more realistic to enact in my life. Holding Proverbs 31 characteristics on this crazy pedestal is dandy, but it can be daunting sometimes. It can make what is SUPPOSED to be a great and wonderful "identity" turn into something that seems unachievable and like you're failing (amen or oh me?). Unless you are the woman in Proverbs 31, I don't think that can be your ultimate, singular identity. God created you with so many other facets! I know He loves that I love Him, but He also loves that I love His people and His world and the way we all interact. Please call me out on this if you think otherwise.
Don't make your said identity something you are not. Your identity is you. You strive to glorify God. Pray for His will. Be His hands and feet. But don't let an identity crisis hold you back from being you and who you were created to be. Which, let me tell you, you weren't created to be perfect. Stop trying. HE already lived that life. Isn't that the best part? WE don't have to live up to perfection. Daughters of Christ, you are found in Him whether you breathe it in every aspect of your day, or if you lose your marbles on a daily basis. You are HIS. You have your OWN identity in and through Him. We are not all Marthas or Marys, but we are all loved and cherished the same.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Okay, everything is on the table, blog is done. I'm done. Right?
NO, no.
Ahh simplicity.
So why does simplicity scare me? What is wrong with being a simple human being?
Here's a stab- I've discovered recently that people are beginning to figure me out. Some of my little quirks and flaws, they have them pinned down to a T. CRAP MAN! It's relatable to that "backed into a corner" feeling. Like nowwww what? I have nothing left to pull out of my hat. I'm just left with me. The quirks, the flaws, the unnecessary parts of me are out in the open and I'm not sure if I like who is left. I'm not sure if I know the girl who is left. I know who she is supposed to be. What she is supposed to wear. Where she should find herself. And what kind of fellowship she should find herself amongst. But I fall where in that cluster?
Identity is something I find conflicting, intriguing, and just stinkin baffling. Yeah, I used that word.
I know you agree. So, gimme an "amen". Even you Bible thumpers, meditation mortals, and crabby creatures (catchy right?!) who think you know. You've been told a million times, right? So, you understand and you KNOW your identity inside out, forwards, backwards, and sideways.. Do you?
In one aspect, I agree. It's as simple as they told you and me. For me it was, "Your identity is found in Christ. No man's arms will ever be long enough to satisfy you like the Father. You are a daughter of the King!" That was my identity catch. But five years later, I don't question it's authenticity, I question it's meaning. I accepted this identity, but I don't think anyone else sees that. I've accepted this identity as my own, but I don't think it's portrayed- even 75% of the time. So then, is it really an identity? Can something partially done be an identity? Saying your identity is in "______" doesn't make it so. It doesn't make other people associate said identity with you. It doesn't make you feel any different either.
On the other side, it's not that simple. My identity is more than painting the perfect image of a Godly woman and aspiring to be her (these are GREAT things, don't get me wrong. But identity? No). My identity is ME. Yes, I'm aspiring to be a Proverbs 31. Yes, I'm aspiring to be a Ruth patiently waiting and praying for her Boaz. But my identity is ME. All the quirks, the flaws, the unnecessary crap I do. That's me. The way God wired Sasha Rihana Arms. And when you take it all away, it's still me. But I can't say what my identity is. I can't tell ya it's found in one spot. It's ALL OVER THE FREAKIN PLACE!
I know this totally contradicts every womanly Bible lesson I have ever received, but this is much more realistic to enact in my life. Holding Proverbs 31 characteristics on this crazy pedestal is dandy, but it can be daunting sometimes. It can make what is SUPPOSED to be a great and wonderful "identity" turn into something that seems unachievable and like you're failing (amen or oh me?). Unless you are the woman in Proverbs 31, I don't think that can be your ultimate, singular identity. God created you with so many other facets! I know He loves that I love Him, but He also loves that I love His people and His world and the way we all interact. Please call me out on this if you think otherwise.
Don't make your said identity something you are not. Your identity is you. You strive to glorify God. Pray for His will. Be His hands and feet. But don't let an identity crisis hold you back from being you and who you were created to be. Which, let me tell you, you weren't created to be perfect. Stop trying. HE already lived that life. Isn't that the best part? WE don't have to live up to perfection. Daughters of Christ, you are found in Him whether you breathe it in every aspect of your day, or if you lose your marbles on a daily basis. You are HIS. You have your OWN identity in and through Him. We are not all Marthas or Marys, but we are all loved and cherished the same.
Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
I lost my sense of adventure
Somewhere between finding out that I'm not where I fit and that I'm not fit to be so many things, I forgot why I started this adventure almost two years ago.
It was for me. The journey was mine and mine alone. No one else could feel what I felt or experience what I experienced. It was all me.
Somehow, 1,700 miles away from everything I ever knew, I found me. I found what made me happiest. I found the purest form of Sasha Rihana Arms. Nothing beats that feeling - loving every ounce of your life, every person surrounding you and every corner of every street you find something new to love.
And now I'm left grasping at straws. Trying everything to get that feeling back. Painting, slacklining, reading, writing, lifting, driving, eating, drinking, friends.. and none of them have 100% me in the equation. My heart isn't really in anything I do here. Because my heart isn't here, it's 1,700 miles away. So if I'm not Susie Sunshine, it's because I'm working on filling the chunk of me that's missing. Christ is the only thing that can fill that void until I can be reunited with my "heart". And when something else leaves a void, He'll fill it then too. But for right now, He's kind of all I have to cling to. And honestly, all I want or need to cling to. I don't need anything else in my life to half heartedly love, enjoy or be apart of.
I realize this isn't where I want to be, for many reasons. But if I could just have a few answers from God, maybe "me" could begin to surface again. Maybe.. but probably not. Because to be honest, asking why hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. And throwing myself a Boca sized pity party won't help either. I have been really confused in my Women's Bible Study the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what my wilderness is, what my Egypt was and where my promised land is going to be. Well, I think a light bulb went off today. Texas was my Egypt. God delivered me from a financial struggle as well as an emotional one. But he didn't just pluck me out of that, He has sent me on a long, long journey through the dessert. A journey that still has at least 7 months left. I'm learning to expect it to get worse, but to accept the fact that my wilderness isn't going anywhere for some time. I can CHOOSE whether or not I want to throw a pity party or not. As for my promised land.. maybe it's the road back to the Lone Star state, maybe somewhere totally new. I'm not sure. I just know, that I know, that I KNOW, I will be delivered from my wilderness. God is faithful, not matter how long it takes or how silent He seems.
I know a lot of my posts have been pretty selfish as of late. But I'm just being transparent about things. Pray for direction and discernment in the weeks to come. That I can still be a light regardless of how my heart feels. And if you're in the wilderness too, expect and accept it! Hold me accountable to the promises of God!
-Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
It was for me. The journey was mine and mine alone. No one else could feel what I felt or experience what I experienced. It was all me.
Somehow, 1,700 miles away from everything I ever knew, I found me. I found what made me happiest. I found the purest form of Sasha Rihana Arms. Nothing beats that feeling - loving every ounce of your life, every person surrounding you and every corner of every street you find something new to love.
And now I'm left grasping at straws. Trying everything to get that feeling back. Painting, slacklining, reading, writing, lifting, driving, eating, drinking, friends.. and none of them have 100% me in the equation. My heart isn't really in anything I do here. Because my heart isn't here, it's 1,700 miles away. So if I'm not Susie Sunshine, it's because I'm working on filling the chunk of me that's missing. Christ is the only thing that can fill that void until I can be reunited with my "heart". And when something else leaves a void, He'll fill it then too. But for right now, He's kind of all I have to cling to. And honestly, all I want or need to cling to. I don't need anything else in my life to half heartedly love, enjoy or be apart of.
I realize this isn't where I want to be, for many reasons. But if I could just have a few answers from God, maybe "me" could begin to surface again. Maybe.. but probably not. Because to be honest, asking why hasn't gotten anyone anywhere. And throwing myself a Boca sized pity party won't help either. I have been really confused in my Women's Bible Study the past couple of weeks trying to figure out what my wilderness is, what my Egypt was and where my promised land is going to be. Well, I think a light bulb went off today. Texas was my Egypt. God delivered me from a financial struggle as well as an emotional one. But he didn't just pluck me out of that, He has sent me on a long, long journey through the dessert. A journey that still has at least 7 months left. I'm learning to expect it to get worse, but to accept the fact that my wilderness isn't going anywhere for some time. I can CHOOSE whether or not I want to throw a pity party or not. As for my promised land.. maybe it's the road back to the Lone Star state, maybe somewhere totally new. I'm not sure. I just know, that I know, that I KNOW, I will be delivered from my wilderness. God is faithful, not matter how long it takes or how silent He seems.
I know a lot of my posts have been pretty selfish as of late. But I'm just being transparent about things. Pray for direction and discernment in the weeks to come. That I can still be a light regardless of how my heart feels. And if you're in the wilderness too, expect and accept it! Hold me accountable to the promises of God!
-Non preoccuparti, sii felice!
Sunday, October 14, 2012
Painted-Paisley
"Painted-Paisley" isn't what this post is about BUT, I wanted to let you all know that I have started a photo blog called Painted-Paisley! As of now, it's just a style blog and a place to put all my gazillion phone pictures :) Enjoy! Painted-Paisley
Now that that's out of the way, I can blog about some really GREAT things.
As many of you know, Boca Raton was not something I entirely looked forward to. In fact, I came dragging my feet all the way from Texas. I sulked. I asked God what He thought He was doing, why ruin a good thing. I asked Him if He thought this was funny; if this was my punishment for moving to Texas in the first place. I don't know, but I was angry. I had to leave my dog, best friend, and the greatest community I have ever been apart of. To come to what? Boca. I left all of that for THIS?!
Yeah, I kinda sorta hate this place (sorry, but it's pretty and that's about it). But fast forward to now and the Bible study I have become a part of - by absolutely divine reasons. A church I happened to try out, with a Bible study that happened to be starting just as I moved here and the best part, a study that happened to be on the topic which boils down to praising God in the "wilderness". Praising God when you have no idea WHY He's brought you here. Being joyful when it seems like there's nothing to be joyful about.
Well, I'll be darned. Looks like the Israelites weren't the only ones wishing they could flee BACK to Egypt. Kinda like I'd love to flee back to Texas. The Promised Land didn't seem so promised to them when it took so dang long to get there and they didn't understand the reasoning behind the extra long journey. Kinda like I don't get why I spent a year there and I don't know where the next year is going to be. But just like they had living signs and miracles from God, so do I - making the journey THAT much more bearable. Just like the Israelites were put through the desert with miracles spanned far and wide from eachother. I too, have to be in the desert. But the miracles COME. And the desert times COME. But with each of them comes a different discovery of God in my relationship with Him. Austin changed my life.. and SO will Boca - just in a much different way.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning that the wilderness, the desert times HAVE to happen. There has to be an "inbetween" the miracles time. Be okay with your wilderness. Be okay with your desert. Don't beg for the comfort of your old life like the Israelites did. Instead, embrace the manna, the cloud of fire by night and cloud of smoke by day.
AND DON'T LET THE DEVIL EAT YOUR STINKIN LUNCH! :D
Now that that's out of the way, I can blog about some really GREAT things.
As many of you know, Boca Raton was not something I entirely looked forward to. In fact, I came dragging my feet all the way from Texas. I sulked. I asked God what He thought He was doing, why ruin a good thing. I asked Him if He thought this was funny; if this was my punishment for moving to Texas in the first place. I don't know, but I was angry. I had to leave my dog, best friend, and the greatest community I have ever been apart of. To come to what? Boca. I left all of that for THIS?!
Yeah, I kinda sorta hate this place (sorry, but it's pretty and that's about it). But fast forward to now and the Bible study I have become a part of - by absolutely divine reasons. A church I happened to try out, with a Bible study that happened to be starting just as I moved here and the best part, a study that happened to be on the topic which boils down to praising God in the "wilderness". Praising God when you have no idea WHY He's brought you here. Being joyful when it seems like there's nothing to be joyful about.
Well, I'll be darned. Looks like the Israelites weren't the only ones wishing they could flee BACK to Egypt. Kinda like I'd love to flee back to Texas. The Promised Land didn't seem so promised to them when it took so dang long to get there and they didn't understand the reasoning behind the extra long journey. Kinda like I don't get why I spent a year there and I don't know where the next year is going to be. But just like they had living signs and miracles from God, so do I - making the journey THAT much more bearable. Just like the Israelites were put through the desert with miracles spanned far and wide from eachother. I too, have to be in the desert. But the miracles COME. And the desert times COME. But with each of them comes a different discovery of God in my relationship with Him. Austin changed my life.. and SO will Boca - just in a much different way.
I'm not there yet, but I'm learning that the wilderness, the desert times HAVE to happen. There has to be an "inbetween" the miracles time. Be okay with your wilderness. Be okay with your desert. Don't beg for the comfort of your old life like the Israelites did. Instead, embrace the manna, the cloud of fire by night and cloud of smoke by day.
AND DON'T LET THE DEVIL EAT YOUR STINKIN LUNCH! :D
Monday, September 17, 2012
Yes, it's about you mister
This blog is not coming from the heart of a Proverbs 31 woman right now. This blog is coming from a hurt, slightly broken, and confused girl who is at the breaking point. What gives?
In my lifetime, I have saved a lot of things. Relationships and anything to do with them is one of those things. At first, it was because I wasn't allowed to date and my parents were weird and strict and awkward about guys. Then it was because I wanted to be pursued exactly how God intended and be the woman God created me to be. Then it was because reality hit me THREE times in the face and let me know that the relationship waters are tainted and to stay away.
Not just three stupid encounters with random people. No, not just three dumb, human "Sasha what were you thinking" moments. Three solid, Godly guys that I may or may not have completely let my guard down for. Condensed version. Ready? Word vomit: One fell off the face of the earth and then BAM 6 months later, married. Once I finally realized again that there were other good people on the planet I tried again. This one didn't get married, I just straight up got lied to and ditched for another girl. WWJD? And lastly a charmer, who tainted the relationship and marriage waters for sure. What guy talks to you about baby names he likes and then drops the "I'm still in love with her" bomb? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
I'm sorry, I guess I'm the mother freakin idiot for buying into a second of any of it. And I'm sorry for all of you who read this for encouragement.. but this is real life. Shit hits the fan. People are human and sometimes they are awful mean, inconsiderate humans. I understand mistakes. I understand human error.. but messing with someone's heart is foul play and dangerous territory. Shame on me for not having my guard up? I'm sorry, the Godly facade I fell for kind of threw me off. Next time I'll just have them read this first and if they stick around I should be good. I'm like Taylor Swift but with blogs, not songs.
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm dating or why I'm single; or telling me that God has the perfect guy picked out for me. Listen here, the poor man that God has picked out for me is gonna have about 10 walls of Jericho to knock down before he even sees my heart, courtesy of the three gents I so naively fell for. It's not fair to him.
Gentleman, grow some cahones and either A) Be man enough to turn her down in the first place; don't just pretend to enjoy dating her out on convenience B) Don't ever talk about future things if you're hiding past things C) If you want to leave, SAY SO. Falling off the face of the earth is the worst 'what if' game a girl can play in her head. You come nowhere near your spotless reputation when you treat a woman that way (neither do I with this blog, but beyond the point!) If you CLAIM chivalry and being a Godly man... hello it's expected. (And ladies, nothing wrong with expecting that!)
If you couldn't tell, I am angry. Hurt, but mostly angry. And for the record, none of these gentleman had enough of me to break my heart. Not that girl. If you know me, you know I am a control freak. And this kind of thing, being something I never controlled and that came totally out of left field..makes me so mad. Goood grief. Maybe the guilt end on their part sucks as bad as this, but I highly doubt that.
In my lifetime, I have saved a lot of things. Relationships and anything to do with them is one of those things. At first, it was because I wasn't allowed to date and my parents were weird and strict and awkward about guys. Then it was because I wanted to be pursued exactly how God intended and be the woman God created me to be. Then it was because reality hit me THREE times in the face and let me know that the relationship waters are tainted and to stay away.
Not just three stupid encounters with random people. No, not just three dumb, human "Sasha what were you thinking" moments. Three solid, Godly guys that I may or may not have completely let my guard down for. Condensed version. Ready? Word vomit: One fell off the face of the earth and then BAM 6 months later, married. Once I finally realized again that there were other good people on the planet I tried again. This one didn't get married, I just straight up got lied to and ditched for another girl. WWJD? And lastly a charmer, who tainted the relationship and marriage waters for sure. What guy talks to you about baby names he likes and then drops the "I'm still in love with her" bomb? WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
I'm sorry, I guess I'm the mother freakin idiot for buying into a second of any of it. And I'm sorry for all of you who read this for encouragement.. but this is real life. Shit hits the fan. People are human and sometimes they are awful mean, inconsiderate humans. I understand mistakes. I understand human error.. but messing with someone's heart is foul play and dangerous territory. Shame on me for not having my guard up? I'm sorry, the Godly facade I fell for kind of threw me off. Next time I'll just have them read this first and if they stick around I should be good. I'm like Taylor Swift but with blogs, not songs.
I'm tired of people asking me if I'm dating or why I'm single; or telling me that God has the perfect guy picked out for me. Listen here, the poor man that God has picked out for me is gonna have about 10 walls of Jericho to knock down before he even sees my heart, courtesy of the three gents I so naively fell for. It's not fair to him.
Gentleman, grow some cahones and either A) Be man enough to turn her down in the first place; don't just pretend to enjoy dating her out on convenience B) Don't ever talk about future things if you're hiding past things C) If you want to leave, SAY SO. Falling off the face of the earth is the worst 'what if' game a girl can play in her head. You come nowhere near your spotless reputation when you treat a woman that way (neither do I with this blog, but beyond the point!) If you CLAIM chivalry and being a Godly man... hello it's expected. (And ladies, nothing wrong with expecting that!)
If you couldn't tell, I am angry. Hurt, but mostly angry. And for the record, none of these gentleman had enough of me to break my heart. Not that girl. If you know me, you know I am a control freak. And this kind of thing, being something I never controlled and that came totally out of left field..makes me so mad. Goood grief. Maybe the guilt end on their part sucks as bad as this, but I highly doubt that.
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Hurricane Waves
Although the scenery has changed a LOT in the past couple of weeks, I still find myself having time to recharge and think at coffee shops and whole foods like I did in Texas. It's like my permanent comfort zone no matter where I go. I like that.
So in lieu of Hurricane Isaac, I forged the weather to my "spot" and decided to finally write this puppy out. Honestly, hurricane weather is beautiful. It's the coolest thing to witness huge waves of rain and gusts of wind rise and die almost as quickly as they came about. To see the sky churning, waiting for it to upchuck some more gray skies and sheets of opaque looking rain that you can hardly see your hand in front of your face it's so heavy. These storms don't mess around. And I don't like that I take them so lightly, because I know the damage that can and has been done, but I find beauty in the storm. In fact, it's taking almost every fiber in me to keep my butt planted in this seat and NOT drive the to beach and just get pelted with the rain and watch the waves go bizirk as the hurricane winds rip through the water.
And in light of hurricane weather, even though I find it so amazing.. it puts me in a really mellow mood after awhile. With enough rainy days you start to get kind of pessimistic with each hour of continued rain. Maybe that's just me. But with this weather, comes the Sasha who analyzes every fraction of a fraction and pesters at all my decisions, situations and predicaments. I mean, there is nothing else to do when it's monsooning outside, so why not?
I came up with some areas that need work. And you are always more than welcome to share your thoughts on this or your own struggles or whatever. I like the feedback :)
1. Confidence in God and Self
Sticks out like a sore thumb. And shouldn't even be a slight issue. I never realized that THIS is exactly where a lot of my downfalls root from. I think in my head that I'm trusting God in all of my decisions and that I'm doing His will (following Him with each of my moves etc), but in reality it's just me trying to convince myself I trust that idea. I KNOW I was called here or there, so I go and do, but my heart isn't there. My heart is somewhere between here and Texas trying to figure out what it is I want, love, need, like, or desire. It's hard for me to find confidence in things that are constantly changing. But I don't let people know that. I cover that up and act bold about everything and where I've been, but it's just not like that. I'm so afraid that I'm going to get plucked from here the second I start to like it. I'm afraid to like it here. I know I "can't bring it with me when I go", but not having the confidence to be myself in a new place is weird. It's something I really need some prayers on. Yes, I want my actions to follow the Lord's will for my life, but I also want my heart to be right there with us. I don't want my heart to be 500 miles behind. I'm trusting God by going, but my heart isn't in line.
-Pray that I would develop the heart confidence to coincide with my "go" confidence.
2. Lifestyle Inconsistencies
Time to be blunt.
I will be the first to tell you, I am such a hypocrite. What the hell am I doing?
Where did the girl who started this blog go? I feel like I've picked up a lot of "character" along my crazy-traveling-life road, but some things cannot be regarded as character. I just won't stand for it anymore. I don't know how I let things get so deep. And I've said this a million times before! Like those stupid weeds that grow between the cracks in your pool deck. You turn around and they're a foot tall! What happened!? Where were you with the preventative methods, weed killer and chemicals?!
Now you have only one choice, pull the weeds out completely.. root and all.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. But, some of my decisions have led to more decisions that have led to things I'm not proud of. And I'm okay with sharing this, because even though I'm not proud of it, I'm proud of that fact I can call myself out and at least attempt to fix it. I refuse to live in it. I refuse to be okay with being lukewarm in everything I do.
So if I tweet about #shehasworth, never settling, waiting etc etc.. you bet your bottom dollar I want you to tweet back and be like YO SASH! WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? ARE YOU BEING A P31? ARE YOU RESPECTING THE MEN AROUND YOU IN WHAT YOU WEAR, SAY AND DO? ...all caps for bolder effect. But I am serious! My worldliness in some of my choices are coming from the first issue of being on different pages with my head and my heart. There should never ever be a reason to choose the world over Christ. I know it's going to be awkward, difficult and not a whole lot of fun sometimes, but the outcome is what my heart was made for.. ETERNITY.
AH. You have no idea how GOOD it feels to get that out of.
Or if I make a post on a facebook about a great sermon and post it up for the world to see, you bet I want you to be straight up and ask me: HOW'S YOUR QUIET TIME GOIN? WHATS GOD REVEALING TO YOU LATELY? HOW ARE YOU SERVING? HOW ARE YOU PLUGGING INTO COMMUNITY?
And the cursing is out of control. I blame it on crossfit, but it has got to gooo. I know I get super into my workouts, but it's not ladylike on any scale, not even at the gym. So call me out, bro! I'm gonna try to have a rated PG mouth at all times :)
So before this gets even more ranty and random, I would ask you to please pray for me. I'm claiming my hypocrisies and asking them to be covered in prayer as I turn it around.
"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easilyI'm here to stay and make the difference that I can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to useThe tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not..And who I am"
So in lieu of Hurricane Isaac, I forged the weather to my "spot" and decided to finally write this puppy out. Honestly, hurricane weather is beautiful. It's the coolest thing to witness huge waves of rain and gusts of wind rise and die almost as quickly as they came about. To see the sky churning, waiting for it to upchuck some more gray skies and sheets of opaque looking rain that you can hardly see your hand in front of your face it's so heavy. These storms don't mess around. And I don't like that I take them so lightly, because I know the damage that can and has been done, but I find beauty in the storm. In fact, it's taking almost every fiber in me to keep my butt planted in this seat and NOT drive the to beach and just get pelted with the rain and watch the waves go bizirk as the hurricane winds rip through the water.
And in light of hurricane weather, even though I find it so amazing.. it puts me in a really mellow mood after awhile. With enough rainy days you start to get kind of pessimistic with each hour of continued rain. Maybe that's just me. But with this weather, comes the Sasha who analyzes every fraction of a fraction and pesters at all my decisions, situations and predicaments. I mean, there is nothing else to do when it's monsooning outside, so why not?
I came up with some areas that need work. And you are always more than welcome to share your thoughts on this or your own struggles or whatever. I like the feedback :)
1. Confidence in God and Self
Sticks out like a sore thumb. And shouldn't even be a slight issue. I never realized that THIS is exactly where a lot of my downfalls root from. I think in my head that I'm trusting God in all of my decisions and that I'm doing His will (following Him with each of my moves etc), but in reality it's just me trying to convince myself I trust that idea. I KNOW I was called here or there, so I go and do, but my heart isn't there. My heart is somewhere between here and Texas trying to figure out what it is I want, love, need, like, or desire. It's hard for me to find confidence in things that are constantly changing. But I don't let people know that. I cover that up and act bold about everything and where I've been, but it's just not like that. I'm so afraid that I'm going to get plucked from here the second I start to like it. I'm afraid to like it here. I know I "can't bring it with me when I go", but not having the confidence to be myself in a new place is weird. It's something I really need some prayers on. Yes, I want my actions to follow the Lord's will for my life, but I also want my heart to be right there with us. I don't want my heart to be 500 miles behind. I'm trusting God by going, but my heart isn't in line.
-Pray that I would develop the heart confidence to coincide with my "go" confidence.
2. Lifestyle Inconsistencies
Time to be blunt.
I will be the first to tell you, I am such a hypocrite. What the hell am I doing?
Where did the girl who started this blog go? I feel like I've picked up a lot of "character" along my crazy-traveling-life road, but some things cannot be regarded as character. I just won't stand for it anymore. I don't know how I let things get so deep. And I've said this a million times before! Like those stupid weeds that grow between the cracks in your pool deck. You turn around and they're a foot tall! What happened!? Where were you with the preventative methods, weed killer and chemicals?!
Now you have only one choice, pull the weeds out completely.. root and all.
I DO NOT WANT TO DO THIS. But, some of my decisions have led to more decisions that have led to things I'm not proud of. And I'm okay with sharing this, because even though I'm not proud of it, I'm proud of that fact I can call myself out and at least attempt to fix it. I refuse to live in it. I refuse to be okay with being lukewarm in everything I do.
So if I tweet about #shehasworth, never settling, waiting etc etc.. you bet your bottom dollar I want you to tweet back and be like YO SASH! WHO WERE YOU WITH LAST NIGHT? ARE YOU BEING A P31? ARE YOU RESPECTING THE MEN AROUND YOU IN WHAT YOU WEAR, SAY AND DO? ...all caps for bolder effect. But I am serious! My worldliness in some of my choices are coming from the first issue of being on different pages with my head and my heart. There should never ever be a reason to choose the world over Christ. I know it's going to be awkward, difficult and not a whole lot of fun sometimes, but the outcome is what my heart was made for.. ETERNITY.
AH. You have no idea how GOOD it feels to get that out of.
Or if I make a post on a facebook about a great sermon and post it up for the world to see, you bet I want you to be straight up and ask me: HOW'S YOUR QUIET TIME GOIN? WHATS GOD REVEALING TO YOU LATELY? HOW ARE YOU SERVING? HOW ARE YOU PLUGGING INTO COMMUNITY?
And the cursing is out of control. I blame it on crossfit, but it has got to gooo. I know I get super into my workouts, but it's not ladylike on any scale, not even at the gym. So call me out, bro! I'm gonna try to have a rated PG mouth at all times :)
So before this gets even more ranty and random, I would ask you to please pray for me. I'm claiming my hypocrisies and asking them to be covered in prayer as I turn it around.
"I don't wanna be someone who walks away so easilyI'm here to stay and make the difference that I can makeOur differences they do a lot to teach us how to useThe tools and gifts we got yeah, we got a lot at stakeWe had to learn how to bend without the world caving inI had to learn what I've got, and what I'm not..And who I am"
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