In the past month I have come to accumulate many different definitions of the word story. As children, many of us relate the word story to our favorite bedtime book, princess movie or fireside tale told by a family member we respect deeply. We grow up with stories as wonderful escapes from reality. We then pick up and learn some where along the lines that we have a story. That we also have a love story (or should have been a part of one by age 22, right?). And the newest one to my story arsenal is that we create stories.
But what if all of these stories are false?
What if there was only one true way to describe story - that there was only ONE author to said story?
Could you allow your life story, your love story and your wanna be heroic adventure story all be compiled into one, by One; by one author, one place. Is it possible to let go of the idea that YOU create any or all parts of these stories? There's only one who creates and it's not (insert your name here). Your part is not author. Your part is journeyman.
You can take a big breath and let an equally large sigh out. Breathe, folks.
You don't have to worry about conducting the seas of your stinkin life. I think that's great news.
It's refreshing to now and be reminded that the One who placed every single star in the sky, wrote mine and your life's story. Not only that, but He's holding your hand (or at least willing to hold it if you aren't) the whole way through. If I'm going to compete in a dangerous adventure obstacle race, of course I want the race creator running with me. Better yet, I think I'd let them lead me.
When your story heads south, know that wherever He leads is to show you how much he loves and is jealous for you. He's a God of restoration. Rest easy knowing that this life is not yours to create, but to be wooed by the creator. To be drawn closer to Him with each chapter of your story.
Let Him read it to you.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Wednesday, November 27, 2013
Synopsis
It's funny how much we defend our beliefs when we are put to the fire. In our everyday life, it seems that we are just "going through the motions"--with our faith life, relationships, work, what have you. I find myself sometimes questioning my foundations, doubting my cause for faith. But, man, when push comes to shove, you really do find out who you are and what or WHOM you stand for. It might surprise you in a really unsettling way, or it could shock you at how deep your roots really run.
The latter was the case for me this weekend at my Landmark Forum (LMF is a seminar lululemon sends most of their educators to as part of our core values and a lot of what our company stands for). I had no idea it was possible to be so aware to spiritual warfare at a small seminar.
In normal life? Sure.
On the mission field in the middle of nowhere Philippines? Absolutely.
At church camp? Yep.
But a seminar?
I made the false presumption of "needing" to go into LMF with an open mind. No, after one session (2.5 hours, mind you), I was fully aware that my mind being open was of least concern. The forefront of my mind needed to be engaged and wearing the full armor of God.
Read the disclaimer then find out why:
*DISCLAIMER* Hear me out, I am not writing to tell you LMF is BAD. No, I got great insight to my life and myself. Many people truly have breakthroughs. However, for me, from the get go I was being spiritually attacked by the enemy, and was fully aware of it. I HAD to remind myself in times of "buying into LMF" that it was NOT from the Word, NOT of God, and WAS entirely of the world. Interpret how you will.
With the initial teachings and description of the Forum, I was lit up. Crossed my arms, and literally after each person got up to say their "possibility" or any LMF truth was said, I said kind of prudely, 'inside the will of God'. I was being a little punk to everything Landmark.
So fast forward to the end of the first five sessions. I was able to swim through the fluff, uncross my arms and get something applicable out of it. I did not create or invent any possibilities for my life. (Guess what? I'm still gonna have a kick ass life. Shocker, I know.) I cleared space with someone I have never had a real relationship with. For that, I am so grateful. The accountability within the seminar kept me to my word to follow through with such things. I owned a lot of my garbage that I threw into my daily life that just acted as a wrench in the system. Granted, all that trash is still there, I'm not miraculously fixed, but I am aware and take full responsibility for it.
Ah, but fast forward some more sessions and the tone has changed. I kind of felt like I needed to prepare for all out battle. I also felt absolutely like a CRAZY person. See, LMF is different for each person. Some believers can go through entirely unscathed. Some can't get through one session and some fight it the whole time, and that was me. I felt outrageous for thinking this way, but I just did. I couldn't be with my thoughts. Am I being way too radical for thinking these thoughts? Am I officially crazy? Am I wrong? Maybe this does agree with my faith? No, wait- what? I literally sat there and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was mad because I didn't know how to respond in a way that people would get what I was going through. And that never came to me. So I sat.
But my upset-ness didn't originate in the "argument" against LMF and what they teach. My real hurt came from the men and women whose life stories I heard from. Serious stories of hurt, lies, abuse, secrets, wrong doings, infidelity, and anything in between. My heart really broke for these people. It broke the most when they stood in front of us and repeated after our leader, "I am inventing the possibility for me and my life to be ________." Which is not a bad thing on any terms, it's positive! What hurt is knowing that we are very human and very temporary beings. WE SCREW UP (hello, fall of man). LMF doesn't create a get away or an "out" from that hurt. Saying you create possibility for your future doesn't make it so. You can only take that so far, then you embrace your humanism again and fail again. It becomes a never ending cycle of possibility after possibility. I wanted to jump from my seat and say, "THERE'S REAL HOPE FOR YOU PEOPLE THAT NEVER ENDS, NEVER FAILS, NEVER LEAVES YOU!"
So, the hurt came from knowing, in that moment, that deeply broken person was placing hope in the words of another human being's "technology" or resources for their own breakthrough possibility. Not anything or anyone lasting or eternal.
..You win LMF. You create a whole bunch of little and big possibility making people. People who will continue to seek truth after possibilities start to fade. People you have taught to run or look to an ever-failing self instead of an ever faithful God. Thank you LMF for reinforcing my salvation and the grace I am covered in. For showing me the faithfulness of my savior and that without Him, the only hope I have in this meaningless life is to keep on inventing the money maker of possibility.
The latter was the case for me this weekend at my Landmark Forum (LMF is a seminar lululemon sends most of their educators to as part of our core values and a lot of what our company stands for). I had no idea it was possible to be so aware to spiritual warfare at a small seminar.
In normal life? Sure.
On the mission field in the middle of nowhere Philippines? Absolutely.
At church camp? Yep.
But a seminar?
I made the false presumption of "needing" to go into LMF with an open mind. No, after one session (2.5 hours, mind you), I was fully aware that my mind being open was of least concern. The forefront of my mind needed to be engaged and wearing the full armor of God.
Read the disclaimer then find out why:
*DISCLAIMER* Hear me out, I am not writing to tell you LMF is BAD. No, I got great insight to my life and myself. Many people truly have breakthroughs. However, for me, from the get go I was being spiritually attacked by the enemy, and was fully aware of it. I HAD to remind myself in times of "buying into LMF" that it was NOT from the Word, NOT of God, and WAS entirely of the world. Interpret how you will.
With the initial teachings and description of the Forum, I was lit up. Crossed my arms, and literally after each person got up to say their "possibility" or any LMF truth was said, I said kind of prudely, 'inside the will of God'. I was being a little punk to everything Landmark.
So fast forward to the end of the first five sessions. I was able to swim through the fluff, uncross my arms and get something applicable out of it. I did not create or invent any possibilities for my life. (Guess what? I'm still gonna have a kick ass life. Shocker, I know.) I cleared space with someone I have never had a real relationship with. For that, I am so grateful. The accountability within the seminar kept me to my word to follow through with such things. I owned a lot of my garbage that I threw into my daily life that just acted as a wrench in the system. Granted, all that trash is still there, I'm not miraculously fixed, but I am aware and take full responsibility for it.
Ah, but fast forward some more sessions and the tone has changed. I kind of felt like I needed to prepare for all out battle. I also felt absolutely like a CRAZY person. See, LMF is different for each person. Some believers can go through entirely unscathed. Some can't get through one session and some fight it the whole time, and that was me. I felt outrageous for thinking this way, but I just did. I couldn't be with my thoughts. Am I being way too radical for thinking these thoughts? Am I officially crazy? Am I wrong? Maybe this does agree with my faith? No, wait- what? I literally sat there and prayed and prayed and prayed. I was mad because I didn't know how to respond in a way that people would get what I was going through. And that never came to me. So I sat.
But my upset-ness didn't originate in the "argument" against LMF and what they teach. My real hurt came from the men and women whose life stories I heard from. Serious stories of hurt, lies, abuse, secrets, wrong doings, infidelity, and anything in between. My heart really broke for these people. It broke the most when they stood in front of us and repeated after our leader, "I am inventing the possibility for me and my life to be ________." Which is not a bad thing on any terms, it's positive! What hurt is knowing that we are very human and very temporary beings. WE SCREW UP (hello, fall of man). LMF doesn't create a get away or an "out" from that hurt. Saying you create possibility for your future doesn't make it so. You can only take that so far, then you embrace your humanism again and fail again. It becomes a never ending cycle of possibility after possibility. I wanted to jump from my seat and say, "THERE'S REAL HOPE FOR YOU PEOPLE THAT NEVER ENDS, NEVER FAILS, NEVER LEAVES YOU!"
So, the hurt came from knowing, in that moment, that deeply broken person was placing hope in the words of another human being's "technology" or resources for their own breakthrough possibility. Not anything or anyone lasting or eternal.
..You win LMF. You create a whole bunch of little and big possibility making people. People who will continue to seek truth after possibilities start to fade. People you have taught to run or look to an ever-failing self instead of an ever faithful God. Thank you LMF for reinforcing my salvation and the grace I am covered in. For showing me the faithfulness of my savior and that without Him, the only hope I have in this meaningless life is to keep on inventing the money maker of possibility.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Paralysis by Analysis
"You can be comfortable or courageous, but you can't be both."
You never did go on that mission trip.
You didn't take on that leadership role at church, school or work.
You didn't have that conversation with the woman at the store.
You missed out on your dream job.
You cheered from the sidelines as you watched that race you decided not to run.
You get there by doing, going and being. No by trying to "go, do, be." The more you try, the longer you will have nothing at all figured out. The longer you wait for the perfect conditions, the quicker that opportunity is going to be whisked away. Do you really need to have it all figured out to make it work? How can you know unless you don't just go for it?
So you take that leap of faith and you fall flat on your face.
SO WHAT?
Are you dead? Are you incapable of trying again? Do you still have a job? Do you still have a house? Okay, great. Guess what, you're richer than 90% of the rest of the world even as a total failure. That puts things into perspective huh.
You learn really fast when you fail. So by staying in your bubble you are:
A. Accomplishing nothing and going nowhere
B. Not learning a single thing.
For the love of God.. GO!
Identify what is stopping you.
Then ask yourself why you're allowing it to control you or even a part of you.
I know this was pretty blunt, but I know someone needs this push-this kind of encouragement.
(Yes, it's worth it. It's scary..Man is it scary sometimes, but the outcome is victory and courage and a boldness that can't be described. Don't subdue the desire God has placed on your heart friend. His plan will meet you when you least expect it. Trust Him to it now)
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
Rest my child
For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God. 2 Corinthians 5:21
We all typically grasp the fact that Jesus took on our sins. He bore our pain, suffering and restlessness. And because of that we are given the gift of heaven and there we have our simple gospel message, right?
He took on our sin, but he also imputed his perfect righteousness to us. "..The basis for the progressive realization of God's righteousness in our moral character. Our thoughts and deeds are sanctified in increasing measure until we receive perfect righteousness in heaven."
We get the "big picture" of our salvation but if we were to be asked, "Are you confident that the Lord would say of your life, 'It is good'?" What would our responses tell us? Are we choosing to believe in the part of our salvation where Jesus took on our sin, but forget the righteousness instilled to us, and skip to eternity?
By missing this, we find no rest. By missing this, we are trying to accomplish a work that has already been completed. We look over the work of our hands, the words of our lips, and the attitudes of our hearts and we are continually reminded that it is not good. And we believe it's not good, so we struggle to "make it better", to do better. Through self, we can't make a single thing better. The only way we can find rest from these shortcomings is in the works which are infinitely good and in His already finished work.
For myself, this is easier to type than to live out in my life. See, I like to romanticize my future. I like to linger on the idea of a future home, future family, husband, dog named Duke, and a wrap around porch. But by doing that, I am lingering on a thought that makes me feel inadequate on any given day. Like I need to do more in order to be someone's potential wife. I need to save more to have that beautiful home. I need to do, do, do. But all Christ wants me to do is sit on His lap and simply rest. Leave the perfectly pinterested life in my dreams and be assured that my future is matchless. Pinterest can't top what my life will look like.
Though I try, I can't shape tomorrow. He has already shaped every single one of my days. Because he has endowed his perfect righteousness to us, I am able to rest in Him; knowing that every one of my days will be perfectly orchestrated by God and no amount of worry, restlessness or romanticizing can change that.
We all typically grasp the fact that Jesus took on our sins. He bore our pain, suffering and restlessness. And because of that we are given the gift of heaven and there we have our simple gospel message, right?
He took on our sin, but he also imputed his perfect righteousness to us. "..The basis for the progressive realization of God's righteousness in our moral character. Our thoughts and deeds are sanctified in increasing measure until we receive perfect righteousness in heaven."
We get the "big picture" of our salvation but if we were to be asked, "Are you confident that the Lord would say of your life, 'It is good'?" What would our responses tell us? Are we choosing to believe in the part of our salvation where Jesus took on our sin, but forget the righteousness instilled to us, and skip to eternity?
By missing this, we find no rest. By missing this, we are trying to accomplish a work that has already been completed. We look over the work of our hands, the words of our lips, and the attitudes of our hearts and we are continually reminded that it is not good. And we believe it's not good, so we struggle to "make it better", to do better. Through self, we can't make a single thing better. The only way we can find rest from these shortcomings is in the works which are infinitely good and in His already finished work.
For myself, this is easier to type than to live out in my life. See, I like to romanticize my future. I like to linger on the idea of a future home, future family, husband, dog named Duke, and a wrap around porch. But by doing that, I am lingering on a thought that makes me feel inadequate on any given day. Like I need to do more in order to be someone's potential wife. I need to save more to have that beautiful home. I need to do, do, do. But all Christ wants me to do is sit on His lap and simply rest. Leave the perfectly pinterested life in my dreams and be assured that my future is matchless. Pinterest can't top what my life will look like.
Though I try, I can't shape tomorrow. He has already shaped every single one of my days. Because he has endowed his perfect righteousness to us, I am able to rest in Him; knowing that every one of my days will be perfectly orchestrated by God and no amount of worry, restlessness or romanticizing can change that.
Thursday, November 7, 2013
Give and Take
This is a blog that has been brewing for just over 3 months now. "Aw, yeah! Gonna be a good one, Sash?!" No, no, friends; I mean that the substance this blog pertains to has been brewing in my life for 3 months and I have finally gotten to the other side of the tunnel, so to speak, to write about it all.
Hindsight. Insight. Wisdom. Just plain ol' sight. Whatever works, here's my take-away:
In life, we all know that ups and downs will come. Sometimes we are prepared for them, sometimes we suffer deeply through them. Sometimes we are in denial about them or don't even recognize it (many a times in the "ups" stage). I've learned that in most of these opposite end of the spectrum stages, we tend to look in all the wrong places for support, encouragement and the stuff that truly feeds our soul. Whether in high or low, we feast on crumbs. For me, I have been in a constant cycle of only feasting on Truth when my life is mediocre. When the bad comes I crumble, when the good comes I boast. Through a time of avoiding the Word and Truth FULLY, [aka I was still attending church, but not soaking in anything] I have learned to interpret these times and things differently.
When I came out of this "avoidance" stage (THANK you to the loves who encouraged me and prayed over me daily), I made the conclusion that every part of my life is from God and every person is a gift, or a vessel as I like to say. In viewing the people in my life as vessels, not gifts I am able to see Christ a lot more in my life. In the past, I would say, "Well, I don't need so and so in my life anyways, they totally weren't an encouragement to my walk." Now, I see them as a vessel, strategically placed in my life, at that moment to act as a "teacher" for me. They are no longer a person I can chose to want or need or not want or not need.
Accepting people in your life as vessels looks like this:
"I have this really awesome new friend and they are so great at keeping me accountable and I love our conversations, but God, I know that tomorrow they could be gone, for whatever reason. And for that, I am grateful for the work they have already done in my life and I will not be spiteful if you remove them from my life. They were never mine in the first place. I am thankful we were able to serve each other/they were a stepping stone in my walk/their life attracted me back to you."
Viewing relationships like that is tough. But it is something I am praying for daily. Mainly to keep my heart from getting selfish and also from putting a great friendship on a higher pedestal than God himself.
Count every person in your life as a gift, but think of ways they are also a vessel (you are to them too!).
Ask yourself what you think certain relationships are building up or maybe tearing down for you? Would you be angry at God for removing a certain vessel from your life? Why or why not? If the answer is "No, I would like Him to eliminate that one, STAT" then pray for an open heart to relationships that just seem so difficult. I promise He has a plan for that. Persevere. Learn the lesson. Become stronger.
If the answer is "No, I couldn't live without them!" then pray for relationships to take a back seat and reevaluate how you treasure your Savior. Do you cling to Him or the support group He's given you?
It's been a daily battle, but by praying for a state of hands off, "laissez-faire" if you will, of who or what comes into my life, my gaze is continually being refocused on God, not the wonderful people He graciously placed in my life.
Hindsight. Insight. Wisdom. Just plain ol' sight. Whatever works, here's my take-away:
In life, we all know that ups and downs will come. Sometimes we are prepared for them, sometimes we suffer deeply through them. Sometimes we are in denial about them or don't even recognize it (many a times in the "ups" stage). I've learned that in most of these opposite end of the spectrum stages, we tend to look in all the wrong places for support, encouragement and the stuff that truly feeds our soul. Whether in high or low, we feast on crumbs. For me, I have been in a constant cycle of only feasting on Truth when my life is mediocre. When the bad comes I crumble, when the good comes I boast. Through a time of avoiding the Word and Truth FULLY, [aka I was still attending church, but not soaking in anything] I have learned to interpret these times and things differently.
When I came out of this "avoidance" stage (THANK you to the loves who encouraged me and prayed over me daily), I made the conclusion that every part of my life is from God and every person is a gift, or a vessel as I like to say. In viewing the people in my life as vessels, not gifts I am able to see Christ a lot more in my life. In the past, I would say, "Well, I don't need so and so in my life anyways, they totally weren't an encouragement to my walk." Now, I see them as a vessel, strategically placed in my life, at that moment to act as a "teacher" for me. They are no longer a person I can chose to want or need or not want or not need.
Accepting people in your life as vessels looks like this:
"I have this really awesome new friend and they are so great at keeping me accountable and I love our conversations, but God, I know that tomorrow they could be gone, for whatever reason. And for that, I am grateful for the work they have already done in my life and I will not be spiteful if you remove them from my life. They were never mine in the first place. I am thankful we were able to serve each other/they were a stepping stone in my walk/their life attracted me back to you."
Viewing relationships like that is tough. But it is something I am praying for daily. Mainly to keep my heart from getting selfish and also from putting a great friendship on a higher pedestal than God himself.
Count every person in your life as a gift, but think of ways they are also a vessel (you are to them too!).
Ask yourself what you think certain relationships are building up or maybe tearing down for you? Would you be angry at God for removing a certain vessel from your life? Why or why not? If the answer is "No, I would like Him to eliminate that one, STAT" then pray for an open heart to relationships that just seem so difficult. I promise He has a plan for that. Persevere. Learn the lesson. Become stronger.
If the answer is "No, I couldn't live without them!" then pray for relationships to take a back seat and reevaluate how you treasure your Savior. Do you cling to Him or the support group He's given you?
It's been a daily battle, but by praying for a state of hands off, "laissez-faire" if you will, of who or what comes into my life, my gaze is continually being refocused on God, not the wonderful people He graciously placed in my life.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Happy Happy Happy
There has been a smile glued to my face for the past 48 hours. In that time I have cried really ugly tears, hugged really tight, laughed really hard and been in so much gratitude for the life I have to live.
Let me tell you why.
As a human being, I am not wired to think positive, happy thoughts upon a mistake or poor decision I make. In fact, I am a part of the minority of people who simmer on those poor decisions for as long as possible; steeping in my guilt and disappointment. But as a daughter of the King, in midst of these choices, I have learned something so precious and so beautiful. Something that I know I will fall away from again and maybe numerous times over, but it will never leave me.
The dirt of my life can't cover up the faithfulness of my Savior. It can't touch it. They have absolutely nothing in common. His faithfulness, grace, and love for me are SO great, the impurities of my life could never be "too big" for Him. The time spent bashing myself over the head for the way I have lived is time that could be spent running to the WIDE open arms of Jesus.
The suffering has already been done for me. When I choose to mope in my unfaithfulness, and deny my true worth, I am forgetting every thorn, every lash, and those nails that were already bore for me. I am forgetting the suffering of my Savior, because I am choosing to look at my lack instead of looking at His love. See, it's not about me getting better at doing good. It's not all about me being more encouraging, a better giver, a kinder tongue. Newsflash: I'm not EVER going to be "good" enough. Neither are you. It's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. That my life doesn't need to be a cycle of wrong, wrong, promises to never do it again, doing okay for awhile, failing, wrong, more promises, more failing, feeling guilty and undeserving - repeat. The sin and wrongfulness will live inside of me forever, I have to choose to see His faithfulness over it when I fall. I WILL fall. You WILL fall. We all fall. Choose to sit in your sin, beat yourself up about being a "bad Christian", or accept the gift that has been so freely given already- the price has already been paid.
Don't overlook that grace.
Don't miss out on that faithfulness.
"When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But you ran to me and you called my name
There were tears of joy upon your face"
Our guilt and beating ourselves up is not what the Lord desires for us. He died so we can be free from the hold of sin.
And that's why I am smiling today, tomorrow and forever. I don't have to plan my way back to "the good Sash". The way has already been made. The faithfulness of my Savior will forever trump my sinfulness and that's where I am finding my joy today.
Let me tell you why.
As a human being, I am not wired to think positive, happy thoughts upon a mistake or poor decision I make. In fact, I am a part of the minority of people who simmer on those poor decisions for as long as possible; steeping in my guilt and disappointment. But as a daughter of the King, in midst of these choices, I have learned something so precious and so beautiful. Something that I know I will fall away from again and maybe numerous times over, but it will never leave me.
The dirt of my life can't cover up the faithfulness of my Savior. It can't touch it. They have absolutely nothing in common. His faithfulness, grace, and love for me are SO great, the impurities of my life could never be "too big" for Him. The time spent bashing myself over the head for the way I have lived is time that could be spent running to the WIDE open arms of Jesus.
The suffering has already been done for me. When I choose to mope in my unfaithfulness, and deny my true worth, I am forgetting every thorn, every lash, and those nails that were already bore for me. I am forgetting the suffering of my Savior, because I am choosing to look at my lack instead of looking at His love. See, it's not about me getting better at doing good. It's not all about me being more encouraging, a better giver, a kinder tongue. Newsflash: I'm not EVER going to be "good" enough. Neither are you. It's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. That my life doesn't need to be a cycle of wrong, wrong, promises to never do it again, doing okay for awhile, failing, wrong, more promises, more failing, feeling guilty and undeserving - repeat. The sin and wrongfulness will live inside of me forever, I have to choose to see His faithfulness over it when I fall. I WILL fall. You WILL fall. We all fall. Choose to sit in your sin, beat yourself up about being a "bad Christian", or accept the gift that has been so freely given already- the price has already been paid.
Don't overlook that grace.
Don't miss out on that faithfulness.
"When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But you ran to me and you called my name
There were tears of joy upon your face"
Our guilt and beating ourselves up is not what the Lord desires for us. He died so we can be free from the hold of sin.
And that's why I am smiling today, tomorrow and forever. I don't have to plan my way back to "the good Sash". The way has already been made. The faithfulness of my Savior will forever trump my sinfulness and that's where I am finding my joy today.
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Hiatus
Maybe I took the last line of my previous post a little too far. "A stagnant life is one I do not desire to live." I didn't get my toes wet, I did a cannonball.
So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?
Absolutely not.
Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.
I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.
So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?
Absolutely not.
Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.
I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.
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