Give and Take

This is a blog that has been brewing for just over 3 months now. "Aw, yeah! Gonna be a good one, Sash?!" No, no, friends; I mean that the substance this blog pertains to has been brewing in my life for 3 months and I have finally gotten to the other side of the tunnel, so to speak, to write about it all.
Hindsight. Insight. Wisdom. Just plain ol' sight. Whatever works, here's my take-away:

In life, we all know that ups and downs will come. Sometimes we are prepared for them, sometimes we suffer deeply through them. Sometimes we are in denial about them or don't even recognize it (many a times in the "ups" stage). I've learned that in most of these opposite end of the spectrum stages, we tend to look in all the wrong places for support, encouragement and the stuff that truly feeds our soul. Whether in high or low, we feast on crumbs. For me, I have been in a constant cycle of only feasting on Truth when my life is mediocre. When the bad comes I crumble, when the good comes I boast. Through a time of avoiding the Word and Truth FULLY, [aka I was still attending church, but not soaking in anything] I have learned to interpret these times and things differently.

When I came out of this "avoidance" stage (THANK you to the loves who encouraged me and prayed over me daily), I made the conclusion that every part of my life is from God and every person is a gift, or a vessel as I like to say. In viewing the people in my life as vessels, not gifts I am able to see Christ a lot more in my life. In the past, I would say, "Well, I don't need so and so in my life anyways, they totally weren't an encouragement to my walk." Now, I see them as a vessel, strategically placed in my life, at that moment to act as a "teacher" for me. They are no longer a person I can chose to want or need or not want or not need.

Accepting people in your life as vessels looks like this:
"I have this really awesome new friend and they are so great at keeping me accountable and I love our conversations, but God, I know that tomorrow they could be gone, for whatever reason. And for that, I am grateful for the work they have already done in my life and I will not be spiteful if you remove them from my life. They were never mine in the first place. I am thankful we were able to serve each other/they were a stepping stone in my walk/their life attracted me back to you."

Viewing relationships like that is tough. But it is something I am praying for daily. Mainly to keep my heart from getting selfish and also from putting a great friendship on a higher pedestal than God himself.

Count every person in your life as a gift, but think of ways they are also a vessel (you are to them too!).
Ask yourself what you think certain relationships are building up or maybe tearing down for you? Would you be angry at God for removing a certain vessel from your life? Why or why not? If the answer is "No, I would like Him to eliminate that one, STAT" then pray for an open heart to relationships that just seem so difficult. I promise He has a plan for that. Persevere. Learn the lesson. Become stronger.
If the answer is "No, I couldn't live without them!" then pray for relationships to take a back seat and reevaluate how you treasure your Savior. Do you cling to Him or the support group He's given you?

It's been a daily battle, but by praying for a state of hands off, "laissez-faire" if you will, of who or what comes into my life, my gaze is continually being refocused on God, not the wonderful people He graciously placed in my life.

Happy Happy Happy

There has been a smile glued to my face for the past 48 hours. In that time I have cried really ugly tears, hugged really tight, laughed really hard and been in so much gratitude for the life I have to live.
Let me tell you why.

As a human being, I am not wired to think positive, happy thoughts upon a mistake or poor decision I make. In fact, I am a part of the minority of people who simmer on those poor decisions for as long as possible; steeping in my guilt and disappointment. But as a daughter of the King, in midst of these choices, I have learned something so precious and so beautiful. Something that I know I will fall away from again and maybe numerous times over, but it will never leave me.
The dirt of my life can't cover up the faithfulness of my Savior. It can't touch it. They have absolutely nothing in common. His faithfulness, grace, and love for me are SO great, the impurities of my life could never be "too big" for Him. The time spent bashing myself over the head for the way I have lived is time that could be spent running to the WIDE open arms of Jesus.

The suffering has already been done for me. When I choose to mope in my unfaithfulness, and deny my true worth, I am forgetting every thorn, every lash, and those nails that were already bore for me. I am forgetting the suffering of my Savior, because I am choosing to look at my lack instead of looking at His love. See, it's not about me getting better at doing good. It's not all about me being more encouraging, a better giver, a kinder tongue. Newsflash: I'm not EVER going to be "good" enough. Neither are you. It's hard for me to accept this way of thinking. That my life doesn't need to be a cycle of wrong, wrong, promises to never do it again, doing okay for awhile, failing, wrong, more promises, more failing, feeling guilty and undeserving - repeat. The sin and wrongfulness will live inside of me forever, I have to choose to see His faithfulness over it when I fall. I WILL fall. You WILL fall. We all fall. Choose to sit in your sin, beat yourself up about being a "bad Christian", or accept the gift that has been so freely given already- the price has already been paid.
Don't overlook that grace.
Don't miss out on that faithfulness.

"When I saw you I was ashamed
You were pure and I was stained
But you ran to me and you called my name
There were tears of joy upon your face"

Our guilt and beating ourselves up is not what the Lord desires for us. He died so we can be free from the hold of sin.

And that's why I am smiling today, tomorrow and forever. I don't have to plan my way back to "the good Sash". The way has already been made. The faithfulness of my Savior will forever trump my sinfulness and that's where I am finding my joy today.

Hiatus

Maybe I took the last line of my previous post a little too far. "A stagnant life is one I do not desire to live." I didn't get my toes wet, I did a cannonball.

So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?

Absolutely not.

Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.

I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.

Stagnant

The "older" I get, the more I realize my life is incredibly spontaneous, out of order, and somewhat chaotic.. some might even say the choice of pure naiveness. But where I am doesn't interpret WHO I am. The where gives me a template to paint a new picture each time. I crave that. Creating yourself continually in one place (to me) lacks the creativity and ingenuity and a fresh palette of culture and people and scenery to spark your imagination. The same place, gets you the same thing. No matter which way you turn it or flip it. It is the same.

While I do also crave a rooted and grounded life, the one I live right now describes every piece of me. The life I live depicts ME. What does your life depict? What does the life you're living say about you? Mine says that even though I'm a self-proclaimed free spirit, I am down to earth, confident and rigid.

No one likes the process, but the experience of change is what I crave. Meeting an entirely new group of people, living a completely different way than I was just weeks earlier, and waking up every morning to a whole new scene. I know there are much more convenient and typical ways to receive the benefits of the "change process".. aka go on vacation or study abroad. But, I just prefer to LIVE it. I will tell you though, this is likely to be the last stop for quite some time. Austin wins.

..And if I were to stop right now and not go anywhere else but here and let this be the final picture I get to paint with my life, would I be okay with the final product? Would I question whether or not I did enough, said enough, became enough - brought enough glory to the kingdom with this one life I get? I don't ever want to ask that. I don't ever want to feel like I have wasted any of my being here. Not wasted it being stagnant in faith or fearlessness.

A stagnant life is one I desire to not live.

Not as it seems

Well hello friends.

I am finally coming out from underneath my big long transition/move/life-never-stops-moving-phase. I am still in transition mode, even though life in Texas has been full swing since I got here 2 weeks ago. I haven't really had a whole lot of time to sit and reflect on this most recent opportunity in my life. But I can tell you a few things:

1. It is good.
2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day.
3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared.
4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.

1. It is good. I can't tell you how scary it was to basically go 180 degrees from being a registered student at USF to a resident in Austin again - all in the same month. Scary in the sense that I am human and can only see my palm in front of my face and not the whole picture. But God clearly made a way when I felt like there was NO way. I am so gracious to serve a God who meets my needs - physically, financially and in this case, the need of my heart to be back in the community I belong. The place where I hope to serve for a lot longer. It's good to be home.

2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day. This move has been challenging in a lot more ways than I expected - mainly due to the incredibly quick transition. I was really challenged literally the instant I got here to trust God 110% with everything. I was fighting to control this move and every aspect of it, but God simply needed me to give it over to Him, swallow my pride, ask for a little help, humility and accept the body of Christ that He placed in my path. Can I tell you how good it is to accept gifts from God. Blessing over blessing when we stop trying to fend for ourselves. He is so much bigger than our stinkin pride. Give it up, man.

3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared. Even though the past two weeks have been and over-abundance of provision, (having multiple jobs to pick from, friends all over to love and support me new AND old) I have had a hard time keeping the tunnel vision of my calling, how I got here, and honestly just struggling with being straight up selfish and fleshly, that's a word right?
What I mean is that I have been able to SEE God working and providing in my life and somehow, that just isn't enough for my human mind. I find myself living for Sasha and not out of utter humilty that God would even bless my life as much as He has. Instead, I live like a little PUNK and I expect all the provisions He's given. Gotta check myself, bring it in and realize that I may have wanted to move back here, but G-O-D made it happen. I don't want any part of my life to be questionable, I want it to all be for one purpose: "Know God and make Him known". Simple.

4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.
With all of this being said. I AM SO STINKING THANKFUL! I find myself just driving around with a smile plastered to my face because I am in awe of how seamless this happened, and that I LIVE HERE again! God has taken care of me, given me a community to die for, coworkers, roommates, new friends, old friends, families that would call me one of their own and so much more. I have nothing to complain about. Except that I wish I had more time, but I know life will become routine again and I will get that time to catch up with the supporters I have back in Tampa. I have chills. Man. I have the best of the best people in my life. I wouldn't trade a single one of you.
If you've read this far, and you maybe haven't talked to me in weeks, know this: I LOVE YOU. I am thankful for you. In this season of my life, I have to let some relationships take a backseat, while I get my life here settled. I am realizing that I am not superwoman and I can't take on so much. Most of you don't like the Sash that takes on the world. Be patient, friends.

SO DANG GOOD

Quick lil tid bit since the last blog post.

YA'LL.


Okay here's the nugget story:
I committed to ATX. Said ehh maybe be there for Christmas. God said, uh no, you go NOW and you trust me to get you there, provide everything you need, and handle all of your human worries.
So I did.
I've got a super rad place to live in East side, I have the ability to transfer my current job PLUS He's given me 4 other options for work when I get there. Like seriously?! HOW does that happen? I was so afraid I would be unemployed entirely and now I get to pick which job I want. GOD IS GOOD. And so so so so stinkin faithful!
My best friend is going to drive with me from Tampa to Austin (bless her heart!).
And my other best friend will be in Austin when I get there.
I have an amazing family and community of friends ready for my return.
My heart is over flowing. Finally leaving my "Egypt" time! ... for all you consistent blog readers.

My last day at lululemon Hyde Park Village is July 28. I leave July 29 for Austin.
I have this Saturday and next Saturday off so if ya wanna see me before I go, let me know.

I know God is writing my story, and He placed ALL of you in my life at the right time. Tampa was not expected, this entire journey has been so blind. But I have the best guide, I know that!

Anyways, without getting too sappy and emotional cause I don't do that well always.. you all know who you are. My biggest supporters, the ones who pushed me even when you just wanted me to stay put. The ones who butted heads with me to break down my barriers and develop me. The friends old and new who made me laugh and feel loved. The people who let me be a part of their life. You let me play a role in some way and I don't take that for granted. Everyone who listened to all my crazy thoughts and ideas and wants and stuck around long enough to see me follow through with one. And to those who kicked me to the curb when I stopped living for pleasing others and started checking goals off my list, thank you for pushing me, when your words were only meant to hinder.

So long Tampa.
I'm going home, and this time I plan on staying put.

Texas, get the hell ready!

Purpose

For me the word purpose is far to close to proposal. And right now I would have thought that p-word would have already happened for me. God has a great sense of humor. Actually, God just has a great plan. I'm so very thankful all the "I thought I wanted this to happen by nows" haven't come to fruition. Praise God I'm not steering this ship.

Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. Mainly because I haven't been in a place to share. Some of the things taking place in my life HAVE been share worthy, but some people ruined that for the rest of you, so I have kept lots more to myself. The ones who DO know the current events in my life, thank you for non-judgement and support even if you don't understand entirely. I am incredibly grateful. God placed you all in my life to get me through when He knows a lot of people wouldn't even try to "get it".

The rest of this post is mainly to connect the dots for some of you. The easier way for me to do that isn't always verbal or 100% through writing. I've been coming across some of those great motivational pictures and quotes lately, adding them to a folder and later reading them all over. Many of them piece together the story that has become my life or parts of it. With each one is an explanation of why it fits right now.

"You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you just dare to jump."
This quote can wrap most of me up in a nutshell. Many of you know me as spontaneous sash. If you've known me longer than a month you've probably said, wait where are you going this weekend?!
I have a tendency to go. Anywhere and everywhere. The not knowing drives me, where in most people it scares them. I can only do so resting in Gods provision. I think in the past 6 months though, I lost sight of that. I lost my knack for going, doing and being. I slipped back into that comfort zone that I so feared before. I started to live for others. I started to live to fix things, places and people. But you can't live a moment this way. It's not living, it's misery. People places and things were not meant to be fixed. They were meant to be, and then be enjoyed, savored.
And fast forward to now. Realizing I can't fix things. I'm going to simply praise God by living. I am not the fixer, healer, or mender, God is. I need to trust Him with every aspect of my life, even if it means that my life looks like a giant circle to people, I just have to trust. It's not a circle or a loop, it's the path He needed me to take to learn to trust whole heartedly. There are going to be people who are going to be very angry with me, people who are very hurt by this, and that is hard for me to manage, but I have to go where He has placed my heart and my passions. I can't stay for selfish reasons or for others. I tried. It doesn't work.

With this being said, the image on intuition seems fitting. Gut feelings were created by God, not man. I've gone against these many times. I've gone with them sometimes dragging my heels. In the end, the gut feeling is great. Learn to accept it.

The amazing moments in life. When I came across this photo for the first time I had a big smile on my face. Those things all make me warm and cozy inside. It quickly faded as I realized many of these moments were either missing from my life or not being recognized; I wasn't present for them. When I reread numbers 8 and 9, I think it was in that moment I wanted to change how I was making my decisions in life. I no longer wanted to allow myself to stifle feelings or passions. I no longer wanted to spend time on anyone else's agenda for my life. And I couldn't even meet my own standards for myself, I failed my own expectations and I was over it.
Many of you might be wondering how any of these are true. How are my passions stifled? Aren't I doing what I love? Technically, yes.
I could continue to do "life" just like I've been doing it since February. I could continue to grow and develop into what might be an awesome leader and coach. But instead, I want to take a few steps in the other direction. Follow my steps back to exactly where I was one year ago. Relive the struggle and confusion as I tried so desperately on my own to make my life pan out "the way I planned". I was failing at the life I had planned out and I couldn't stand it. So I gave up. And now what has God placed on my heart? The strength to go back with absolutely nothing and trust He will provide. The humility to allow the body of Christ to be there for me. The joy to accept the fact that I will never succeed in meeting all of the needs around me, and it's ok, it's not failing. The stillness that I can present my life as purely as possible to those around me and not worry how they interpret or perceive it. If there's an issue with my living, then you might have an issue with my God, not just me. I'm going to trust and follow Him with everything I have.

This has been a pride issue. A big nasty pride issue. But let's face it guys, I'm just as human as the rest of this planet. Sometimes we go in circles, sometimes we go backwards, but when I have Christ leading, neither seems like a bad thing.

Understand that my leaving again has nothing to do with a job or family or friends. It's a heart thing. If you can understand that or even if you can't, I hope you can support me and lift my continuing journey up in prayer. Gods providing every single day, every step of the way.