Hiatus

Maybe I took the last line of my previous post a little too far. "A stagnant life is one I do not desire to live." I didn't get my toes wet, I did a cannonball.

So you fell off your rocker, got put in the looney bin, knocked up, became a stoner and alcoholic overnight- all of the above?

Absolutely not.

Externally, I have maintained 90% of the Sash everyone has ever known. The cannonball didn't come through doing drugs and raging every night. Although, I have actually made a few appearances after midnight downtown- rebel, I know. The cannonball, so to speak, came from the core of me, my heart. The most protected and valued part about myself, I had suddenly lost control of. Somehow, I let the devil eat my stinkin lunch every single day. I started to believe the lies that I would never be good enough for or have the job, body, relationship, friendship and life that the "old Sash" stood for, planned for, prayed for and was in ready expectation for. I let him take all of that hope away, all of my assurance in the grace of God and the faithfulness that it would come to fruition. Eventually, he didn't have to take. I was giving my joy away.
I traded my heart of hopefulness and genuine joy for a brick. No warmth, no character, no charm. And the second I realized what I had done, I began to completely freak out. I mean when your heart is the foundation of who you are and it's suddenly done a 180...shit gets real. I felt backed into a corner. I had created a life outside of the one I was called to live. I was lying to everyone I came in contact with and it ate me up. I let it eat at me. Why? Because I was still in control. I didn't have to relinquish the power of my mistake. Where I once did everything out of connecting and feeling and PRAYER, I now did it out of "well this sounds good. Sure, why not? I'm 22, big deal." And I bought it. I bought into almost every drop. I went from having a voice of reason to having a moral dilemma. The old Sash and the "Sash who thinks she's discovering herself" were in a mad conflict. I bought into it so much that I missed my best friends birthday. My heart had gotten that hardened that I blew off my best friend. My priorities were now my workouts, the next date I would go on and if I could squeeze more stuff to do into my week. I haven't been present for the past two weeks. Unfortunately, that doesn't negate them. It doesn't negate the choices I made, the attitudes I took on and the persona I created. That all still happened and now I just get to sit in my own mess and figure out how to use my mess to clean up my mess.

I am just like you. I have a head, a heart, and a brain. Sometimes I turn down what seems to be the world's greatest opportunity. Sometimes I jump head first into a door that wasn't open to me, not even cracked just a little. I know this hiccup was a drop in the bucket, a month of my life maybe. But that's a month that my "ripple effect" on others wasn't pure, Godly, encouraging or a whole lot of other things. The ripples I made were selfish, lustful, and brought zero glory to the Kingdom of God. I know some of you might read that and think I'm too harsh on myself, but no, that's the truth. The beauty through all of this is that the constant tug on my heart to come back to the purpose for my life and the Lord has been there. He has been so jealous for my attention and fighting for my heart- to keep it pure and protected. When I wanted nothing to do with the Word, He waited for me. When I wanted the power to ruin my friendships, get into relationships that would shut Him out, He let me - but He waited. Once you know Truth you always come back to it.

Stagnant

The "older" I get, the more I realize my life is incredibly spontaneous, out of order, and somewhat chaotic.. some might even say the choice of pure naiveness. But where I am doesn't interpret WHO I am. The where gives me a template to paint a new picture each time. I crave that. Creating yourself continually in one place (to me) lacks the creativity and ingenuity and a fresh palette of culture and people and scenery to spark your imagination. The same place, gets you the same thing. No matter which way you turn it or flip it. It is the same.

While I do also crave a rooted and grounded life, the one I live right now describes every piece of me. The life I live depicts ME. What does your life depict? What does the life you're living say about you? Mine says that even though I'm a self-proclaimed free spirit, I am down to earth, confident and rigid.

No one likes the process, but the experience of change is what I crave. Meeting an entirely new group of people, living a completely different way than I was just weeks earlier, and waking up every morning to a whole new scene. I know there are much more convenient and typical ways to receive the benefits of the "change process".. aka go on vacation or study abroad. But, I just prefer to LIVE it. I will tell you though, this is likely to be the last stop for quite some time. Austin wins.

..And if I were to stop right now and not go anywhere else but here and let this be the final picture I get to paint with my life, would I be okay with the final product? Would I question whether or not I did enough, said enough, became enough - brought enough glory to the kingdom with this one life I get? I don't ever want to ask that. I don't ever want to feel like I have wasted any of my being here. Not wasted it being stagnant in faith or fearlessness.

A stagnant life is one I desire to not live.

Not as it seems

Well hello friends.

I am finally coming out from underneath my big long transition/move/life-never-stops-moving-phase. I am still in transition mode, even though life in Texas has been full swing since I got here 2 weeks ago. I haven't really had a whole lot of time to sit and reflect on this most recent opportunity in my life. But I can tell you a few things:

1. It is good.
2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day.
3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared.
4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.

1. It is good. I can't tell you how scary it was to basically go 180 degrees from being a registered student at USF to a resident in Austin again - all in the same month. Scary in the sense that I am human and can only see my palm in front of my face and not the whole picture. But God clearly made a way when I felt like there was NO way. I am so gracious to serve a God who meets my needs - physically, financially and in this case, the need of my heart to be back in the community I belong. The place where I hope to serve for a lot longer. It's good to be home.

2. God's plan is apparent and being revealed more and more each day. This move has been challenging in a lot more ways than I expected - mainly due to the incredibly quick transition. I was really challenged literally the instant I got here to trust God 110% with everything. I was fighting to control this move and every aspect of it, but God simply needed me to give it over to Him, swallow my pride, ask for a little help, humility and accept the body of Christ that He placed in my path. Can I tell you how good it is to accept gifts from God. Blessing over blessing when we stop trying to fend for ourselves. He is so much bigger than our stinkin pride. Give it up, man.

3. Doubts still seep in during times of provision, my heart must always be prepared. Even though the past two weeks have been and over-abundance of provision, (having multiple jobs to pick from, friends all over to love and support me new AND old) I have had a hard time keeping the tunnel vision of my calling, how I got here, and honestly just struggling with being straight up selfish and fleshly, that's a word right?
What I mean is that I have been able to SEE God working and providing in my life and somehow, that just isn't enough for my human mind. I find myself living for Sasha and not out of utter humilty that God would even bless my life as much as He has. Instead, I live like a little PUNK and I expect all the provisions He's given. Gotta check myself, bring it in and realize that I may have wanted to move back here, but G-O-D made it happen. I don't want any part of my life to be questionable, I want it to all be for one purpose: "Know God and make Him known". Simple.

4. I am in a season of overwhelming gratitude.
With all of this being said. I AM SO STINKING THANKFUL! I find myself just driving around with a smile plastered to my face because I am in awe of how seamless this happened, and that I LIVE HERE again! God has taken care of me, given me a community to die for, coworkers, roommates, new friends, old friends, families that would call me one of their own and so much more. I have nothing to complain about. Except that I wish I had more time, but I know life will become routine again and I will get that time to catch up with the supporters I have back in Tampa. I have chills. Man. I have the best of the best people in my life. I wouldn't trade a single one of you.
If you've read this far, and you maybe haven't talked to me in weeks, know this: I LOVE YOU. I am thankful for you. In this season of my life, I have to let some relationships take a backseat, while I get my life here settled. I am realizing that I am not superwoman and I can't take on so much. Most of you don't like the Sash that takes on the world. Be patient, friends.

SO DANG GOOD

Quick lil tid bit since the last blog post.

YA'LL.


Okay here's the nugget story:
I committed to ATX. Said ehh maybe be there for Christmas. God said, uh no, you go NOW and you trust me to get you there, provide everything you need, and handle all of your human worries.
So I did.
I've got a super rad place to live in East side, I have the ability to transfer my current job PLUS He's given me 4 other options for work when I get there. Like seriously?! HOW does that happen? I was so afraid I would be unemployed entirely and now I get to pick which job I want. GOD IS GOOD. And so so so so stinkin faithful!
My best friend is going to drive with me from Tampa to Austin (bless her heart!).
And my other best friend will be in Austin when I get there.
I have an amazing family and community of friends ready for my return.
My heart is over flowing. Finally leaving my "Egypt" time! ... for all you consistent blog readers.

My last day at lululemon Hyde Park Village is July 28. I leave July 29 for Austin.
I have this Saturday and next Saturday off so if ya wanna see me before I go, let me know.

I know God is writing my story, and He placed ALL of you in my life at the right time. Tampa was not expected, this entire journey has been so blind. But I have the best guide, I know that!

Anyways, without getting too sappy and emotional cause I don't do that well always.. you all know who you are. My biggest supporters, the ones who pushed me even when you just wanted me to stay put. The ones who butted heads with me to break down my barriers and develop me. The friends old and new who made me laugh and feel loved. The people who let me be a part of their life. You let me play a role in some way and I don't take that for granted. Everyone who listened to all my crazy thoughts and ideas and wants and stuck around long enough to see me follow through with one. And to those who kicked me to the curb when I stopped living for pleasing others and started checking goals off my list, thank you for pushing me, when your words were only meant to hinder.

So long Tampa.
I'm going home, and this time I plan on staying put.

Texas, get the hell ready!

Purpose

For me the word purpose is far to close to proposal. And right now I would have thought that p-word would have already happened for me. God has a great sense of humor. Actually, God just has a great plan. I'm so very thankful all the "I thought I wanted this to happen by nows" haven't come to fruition. Praise God I'm not steering this ship.

Anyways, I haven't posted in a while. Mainly because I haven't been in a place to share. Some of the things taking place in my life HAVE been share worthy, but some people ruined that for the rest of you, so I have kept lots more to myself. The ones who DO know the current events in my life, thank you for non-judgement and support even if you don't understand entirely. I am incredibly grateful. God placed you all in my life to get me through when He knows a lot of people wouldn't even try to "get it".

The rest of this post is mainly to connect the dots for some of you. The easier way for me to do that isn't always verbal or 100% through writing. I've been coming across some of those great motivational pictures and quotes lately, adding them to a folder and later reading them all over. Many of them piece together the story that has become my life or parts of it. With each one is an explanation of why it fits right now.

"You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you just dare to jump."
This quote can wrap most of me up in a nutshell. Many of you know me as spontaneous sash. If you've known me longer than a month you've probably said, wait where are you going this weekend?!
I have a tendency to go. Anywhere and everywhere. The not knowing drives me, where in most people it scares them. I can only do so resting in Gods provision. I think in the past 6 months though, I lost sight of that. I lost my knack for going, doing and being. I slipped back into that comfort zone that I so feared before. I started to live for others. I started to live to fix things, places and people. But you can't live a moment this way. It's not living, it's misery. People places and things were not meant to be fixed. They were meant to be, and then be enjoyed, savored.
And fast forward to now. Realizing I can't fix things. I'm going to simply praise God by living. I am not the fixer, healer, or mender, God is. I need to trust Him with every aspect of my life, even if it means that my life looks like a giant circle to people, I just have to trust. It's not a circle or a loop, it's the path He needed me to take to learn to trust whole heartedly. There are going to be people who are going to be very angry with me, people who are very hurt by this, and that is hard for me to manage, but I have to go where He has placed my heart and my passions. I can't stay for selfish reasons or for others. I tried. It doesn't work.

With this being said, the image on intuition seems fitting. Gut feelings were created by God, not man. I've gone against these many times. I've gone with them sometimes dragging my heels. In the end, the gut feeling is great. Learn to accept it.

The amazing moments in life. When I came across this photo for the first time I had a big smile on my face. Those things all make me warm and cozy inside. It quickly faded as I realized many of these moments were either missing from my life or not being recognized; I wasn't present for them. When I reread numbers 8 and 9, I think it was in that moment I wanted to change how I was making my decisions in life. I no longer wanted to allow myself to stifle feelings or passions. I no longer wanted to spend time on anyone else's agenda for my life. And I couldn't even meet my own standards for myself, I failed my own expectations and I was over it.
Many of you might be wondering how any of these are true. How are my passions stifled? Aren't I doing what I love? Technically, yes.
I could continue to do "life" just like I've been doing it since February. I could continue to grow and develop into what might be an awesome leader and coach. But instead, I want to take a few steps in the other direction. Follow my steps back to exactly where I was one year ago. Relive the struggle and confusion as I tried so desperately on my own to make my life pan out "the way I planned". I was failing at the life I had planned out and I couldn't stand it. So I gave up. And now what has God placed on my heart? The strength to go back with absolutely nothing and trust He will provide. The humility to allow the body of Christ to be there for me. The joy to accept the fact that I will never succeed in meeting all of the needs around me, and it's ok, it's not failing. The stillness that I can present my life as purely as possible to those around me and not worry how they interpret or perceive it. If there's an issue with my living, then you might have an issue with my God, not just me. I'm going to trust and follow Him with everything I have.

This has been a pride issue. A big nasty pride issue. But let's face it guys, I'm just as human as the rest of this planet. Sometimes we go in circles, sometimes we go backwards, but when I have Christ leading, neither seems like a bad thing.

Understand that my leaving again has nothing to do with a job or family or friends. It's a heart thing. If you can understand that or even if you can't, I hope you can support me and lift my continuing journey up in prayer. Gods providing every single day, every step of the way.

Look under the ugly rocks

Sometimes I come bursting with ideas to write about and yet no where to start. When this happens, like today, I make catchy titles and try to make it work. If I got one thing out of public school, it was how to write a "hook", the grabber, attention getter etc. Yay?

I am certain that whether you know this or not, or look at it similarly to how I do, you have ugly rocks in your life. Ya know, the eyes sores. The gross moss and mold covered stones that you not only walk around, you don't dare turn them over. These are ugly rocks.

Ugly rocks come in every shape, size, weight and width, and they don't follow any scheme or pattern as to when and where they will emerge along your walk. These ugly rocks represent a lot more than just "life's trials". They could be people, jobs, injuries, broken relationships, unmet needs, opportunities in disguise, future best friends, or new destinations. See these ugly rocks can be pretty facetious (okay I lied, I learned that word in public school too). They can be so deceiving that whether good, bad, or indifferent, we pay no mind to them. In our society, we have been trained (brain washed) to walk by ugly rocks. If it doesn't glisten, sparkle, and catch your eye, it's not worth your time. You missed out on a conversation at a cafe because you were too busy rolling your eyes at a woman and her screaming child, and it could have introduced you to her husband who just so happens to be the CEO of your dream company. You find yourself signing up for cruises on someone else's schedule, when your soul aches to care for sweet orphans in the Philippines but let's face it, cruises are just "easier" to do. Let's not forget walking by the stone that is covering a big fat awful failure of yours. You'll turn that stone over one day and make a smooth flat rock, but not today, you have things to do.

You have things to do, people to impress, interviews to tackle, new relationships to create, vacations to plan, picket fences to live behind, secrets to sweep under the rug, failures to not face, family to avoid and that's just today. So God forbid you take time to look at a stinkin rock, when you have ALL of that to juggle. I mean forgetting failures is way easier than facing them, right?

I can't toot my own horn here either. I just realize this issue of mine and see it on a way bigger scale than I think most do. Maybe it's not worthy of such a big scale, but here's my soap box spin on things anyways.

If I had only taken the good looking pavers in my life and never flipped over a nasty ugly rock, I would have graduated with a bachelor's degree from USF in Education 2 weeks ago. But Sasha! How is that bad?!
Ideally, it's not. Degrees are great.
But I chose to flip over a rock called ""NOT-norm"" and then another called "courage" and finally "independence". What did I get? A two year adventure that landed me right back where I left, really. AHA! See Sasha, flipped stones is overrated. NO, no. Let me finish. See, what I learned and experienced in those two years, a bachelor's degree can't even touch. Finding out what I'm passionate about (which ISN'T education), finding out who I am, discovering friendships all over the globe, jobs I never would have imagined and a mind I never thought I could change SO freaking much. All because I decided to give that little ugly rock a glance.

I'm not saying you should search and conquer every ugly rock in your life, but maybe just be open  to the idea for next time. Sometimes ugly rocks won't end up pretty on the other side. Ugly rocks can host ugly things too. Can't say you didn't try though.

Just remember, the more ugly rocks you leave unturned, the more likely you are to fall. Ugly, mossy rocks are real slippery yall.

Fala ingles?

Before you read the actual blog I wrote, I think this needs to come first:

People tell me all the time that they wish they could do what I do and just "go" like that. Everyone has the tendency to crave adventure and exploration, some just choose to starve that craving. Some find outlets elsewhere and some are literally miserable doing so.
Don't underestimate how big your heart can be. Step outside the cubicle of life we've all created for ourselves and see what truly makes you tick. If you're already doing what makes you tick, hell yeah! If not...why?!

I firmly believe my purpose on earth is to know God and to make Him known. I also believe I would be falsely representing Him if I caged up my natural desires He placed in my heart and chose to live a life of "contentment". He died so I could live much greater; a life that, yes, brings happiness to me, but also joy to those I encounter. Genuine joy. To me, that's how I want to resemble Christ. I want to genuinely show others my happiness and tell them who I got it from.

This blog is one that will raise more questions and concerns than any I've ever written. I typically stick to sharing things I'm passionate about or just updates on my latest city or life change. This blog is going to get more eye rolls than usual. I know I have a reputation to just do things and not think about them. But as I sit on this plane back to the the states, my eyes are filled with tears. I wrote once about how Austin made me feel 100% me. This past week could put that to shame.
Within 24 hours of being in Europe, I was in denial. "This is overrated. The feeling will go away. You can't even speak to these people."
By day two I knew I had fallen really hard. I knew this was much different than any of my "gut feeling" moves I've made in the past two years. I just couldn't put my finger on it. I literally couldn't hold conversations with half of the people I met, I was tired and my feet were blistered and sore from walking everywhere. But I had a tickling realization that this is where I would end up.
Fast forward to Spain and the bucket has completely inverted and drenched me. I'm all in. The thought of leaving made me sick. I know this sounds dramatic, especially for me. But it did, I didn't want to think of leaving. In fact, I instantly decided I wouldn't wait for my chance at Europe again. I was going to live here no matter what.
I craved to learn their language, I craved to spend every second with these people and learn about their lives. The fact that I had to leave felt like I had just shown up to my own surprise party, but I had to leave five minutes in- no candles blown out, no presents unwrapped.
Just no good.

Sasha, what the hell are you talking about..?
Friends, I have a crazy, big, wild heart and most of you know that. I'm as free as a leaf in the wind. I do things different than most people, but I'm happy. I do these things alone, but I'm not lonely, I have friends all over the globe. I can't imagine my life any other way. I can't imagine spending the past two years in a classroom, not meeting the people I've met, not seeing so much creation, and not living in full gratitude for every possibility in my life. God wired me a little different. I can't put Him in a box by taming what im passionate about--just because the norm is to be a degree holder with a 9-5 and bliss on the weekends. Pass.

So what's on my agenda exactly?
I'm finding my way to europe for at least the summer. If you'd like to help or have any ideas, let me know. I plan on taking in the au pair role again.
I'm going to start learning Catalan/Spanish and then Portuguese and Italian.
Long term? I want to open a CrossFit gym somewhere in Europe, preferably on the coast of Portugal, Spain or Italy.
Chuckle away. I know it's a hefty goal, but why tell you just a petty one when my brain dreams big?

If I had never visited Europe, I wouldn't know what I was missing, which is okay. But I do know, and I'm doing something about it.

What are you doing?