I've tried to accumulate thoughts and ideas for this post for weeks now. I've tried to wrap my own mind around everything so that I can try to "neatly" word vomit on the internet and keep people in the know, without actually having a conversation- because let's face it, you don't hear the words coming out of my mouth when tears are streaming, sniffles are steady and fast breathing is never ending.
I'm not sure exactly how to pair words with my thoughts. Do I talk about WHAT'S going on? Do I talk about how fake I feel trying to be "normal"? Do I talk about how I keep questioning God every time I am feeling overwhelmingly broken and lonely? Do I talk about how this is NOT easy, I am not bold, I am not strong and I deserve no applause for anything I have done?
Let's go with the latter as I think it encompasses many.
Some of you have said I am bold and strong for uprooting my life and moving to Texas (again). While ending a relationship that did not aide in my spiritual growth is a "good" thing, I can't feel anything but guilt right now. And the guilt is heavy. I got to leave, go on a roadtrip and land in a destination I love. And he got the dog and heartbreak. While my heart is also broken (in thousands of tiny pieces), I can't help but feel the repercussions of my tornado, as well. Trying to make people understand why I have to go is impossible when they don't grasp the grace of God. And so, many goodbyes were met with, you guessed it, more guilt. Guilt of leaving high and dry. Guilt of hurting them. Guilt of escaping and whatever else I could imagine people are thinking I'm doing. And though I know how restorative my God is, in the right now, I feel distant and regretful. The pain of the "in between" is much worse than I imagined. And, YES, I am fully aware that there are MUCH greater needs, pains and hurts. But, my present is the current hurdle I am trying to tackle on my own. I can't heal the pains or meet the needs of others if I am broken entirely myself.
So though this decision may seem like I have it figured out, I have God back on the pedestal He is meant to be on, and back in the driver's seat, it's not. I am in the trunk and I have no clue who is driving. I don't know which way is up. I don't know if I am going to cry myself to sleep tonight. I don't know when my appetite will actually come back. And mostly, I don't know if I can do this.
So there's some Friday night honesty for ya.
I've never done this. Heartbreak is a terrible thing. Right now I am wallowing in my sadness. Maybe it will go away, maybe it won't. I am telling myself to cling to Truth. I am telling myself this is what I need. My tears tell me otherwise and I'm not sure who is going to win.
Friday, July 15, 2016
Thursday, June 2, 2016
Sashaisms
Random list of Sashaisms
Always pet the puppy.
If you don't love it- don't get it, don't do it. Move on.
If you aren't happy, change your life.
If you mess up, don't just fix it. Fix it better than before, and take responsibility for it.
If someone means something to you, tell them.
Don't buy crappy candy and chocolate. Splurge on the real thing. Reese's are NOT that good.
In my head, I slam into every car who views a yield sign as a speed up sign.
At a 4 way stop, don't wave me on before I have even gotten to the stop sign. You are not my Momma, slow your roll.
Pull over or change lanes for emergency vehicles (looking at you MASSHOLES)
You can live without a microwave.
Get rid of things you don't use within 3 months.
Make your bed.
Say yes ma'am and yes sir.
Kids DON'T address grown ups by their first name, unless they request it.
Learn to properly shoot a gun.
Learn self defense.
Know how to do just about everything on your own, or be able to figure it out eventually.
Don't say sure- say yes or no.
Have integrity.
Don't feel guilty for needing a break every now and then, mental health is important too.
Krispy Kreme will always dominate Dunkin' Donuts in a taste test.
Iced coffee and heavy whipping cream is a match made in heaven.
Talk to cashiers, don't ignore them. Smile, too.
Don't get mad at the person just doing their job. Keep your cool.
When having a serious conversation or argument keep your palms open, don't clench your fists.
Scan the room for exits.
Convince yourself everyone in the parking lot IS going to attack you, so one day if it happens, you are "prepared".
Don't be taken advantage of. Do your research.
Hold hands.
Random acts of kindness go a long way. Do them.
Learn peoples favorite things so you can surprise them with it.
Travel. Always travel.
Say yes to people and experiences.
Sell your stuff.
Always pet the puppy.
If you don't love it- don't get it, don't do it. Move on.
If you aren't happy, change your life.
If you mess up, don't just fix it. Fix it better than before, and take responsibility for it.
If someone means something to you, tell them.
Don't buy crappy candy and chocolate. Splurge on the real thing. Reese's are NOT that good.
In my head, I slam into every car who views a yield sign as a speed up sign.
At a 4 way stop, don't wave me on before I have even gotten to the stop sign. You are not my Momma, slow your roll.
Pull over or change lanes for emergency vehicles (looking at you MASSHOLES)
You can live without a microwave.
Get rid of things you don't use within 3 months.
Make your bed.
Say yes ma'am and yes sir.
Kids DON'T address grown ups by their first name, unless they request it.
Learn to properly shoot a gun.
Learn self defense.
Know how to do just about everything on your own, or be able to figure it out eventually.
Don't say sure- say yes or no.
Have integrity.
Don't feel guilty for needing a break every now and then, mental health is important too.
Krispy Kreme will always dominate Dunkin' Donuts in a taste test.
Iced coffee and heavy whipping cream is a match made in heaven.
Talk to cashiers, don't ignore them. Smile, too.
Don't get mad at the person just doing their job. Keep your cool.
When having a serious conversation or argument keep your palms open, don't clench your fists.
Scan the room for exits.
Convince yourself everyone in the parking lot IS going to attack you, so one day if it happens, you are "prepared".
Don't be taken advantage of. Do your research.
Hold hands.
Random acts of kindness go a long way. Do them.
Learn peoples favorite things so you can surprise them with it.
Travel. Always travel.
Say yes to people and experiences.
Sell your stuff.
Monday, March 21, 2016
Side Hustle
There are many things most girls like to do, that I absolutely do not like. Shopping is not one of them. I LOVE to shop- actually what I love is finding deals.
See, I've come to the realization that I no longer NEED a thing, contrary to what Jono would tell you. I have a great, FULL closet for when I actually dress out of gym clothes and I have a beautiful collection of jewelry I've made or bought over the years. So when I go shopping I'm usually on a hunt- a scavenger hunt if you will. I know there are certain labels and rare styles that resell on ebay, Poshmark and the like for TRIPLE if not more than what I can find it for.
Yup. This is my side hustle. It lets me shop and occasionally keep a piece or two at zero cost. Here's how it works; this is my most recent hustle adventure:
First, I get on brand kicks. Lululemon is a staple and the resale market is nuts. Please don't ever toss lulu, bring it to me and I'll make ya a dime! With my recently planned trip to ATX (OMGYAY!) I started looking and got hooooooked on Kendra Scott (Austin and Texas QUEEN of gemstone jewlery).
So, I discover the stores that carry Kendra and check out their sales online and get familiar with styles and names. Then I hit Nordstrom Rack and dig for the jewels! Now, you HAVE to know what you are looking for or you'll miss it. I found the KS booty rather quickly and bought 6 necklaces and a pendant for $220. Steep for me, since I usually frequent thrift stores. However, their original retail cost totaled over $400. And some older styles sell for over retail since they sell out and people are desperate to find them. Its bonkers.
I head to Last Chance Neiman Marcus but came up empty! BOO. However, since I was in Dedham, I swung some old clothes by Plato's closet. While I waited, I poked around. I found a super cute free people tank and 2 lululemon pants. One was camo which is like striking gold, women give up their first born for lululemon camo.
I had a $20 credit from my old stuff and spent $20 (1 free people tank and TWO pairs of lulu!)
This is where the strategy comes in.
I list first on Poshmark and Mercari, higher price point, but to see if I get nibbles. Once I scour the resale market and figure out what these items are selling for I list on ebay.
(Poshmark takes 20% of sales but buyer pays shipping and posh sends you a convenient label, Mercari takes nothing but you have to wait to receive funds and shipping can go either way, eBay takes about 10% of all sales in one big invoice at the beginning of the month).
Since I discovered the stuff I bought would sell well, I listed each auction at $.99. That way I get a lot more interest and ending up in bidding wars. As of now, I have already broke even on everything and bidding doesn't end until next weekend- basically LET THE MONEY MAKING BEGIN. Ebay is a little slower, waiting on the auction, but usually worth it in comparison.
Doing this and selling my jewelry is how I paid to go the the games last year. I left all the monies in paypal until the trip!
Check it! All the Kendra I bought, minus the pendant and the red necklace I kept (identical to the one pictured)
Pretties close up!
OK. This is what things look like on Poshmark. Listed high like I said. You can get trade offers and all sorts of questions. It's fun.
These are the crops I scored at Plato's Closet for $10. They are already up to $40 ish on ebay. The hustle is real folks.
Also, thrift and secondhand stores have nice gems too. Obviously brand new sells higher, but you would be amazed at what people throw away. AMAZED. I can't remember the last time I bought something full price (clothes shoes acces). I'm not super frugal, but this is the bees knees.
Friday, February 5, 2016
10 Things I Learned Working for Lululemon Athletica
1. "Everyone looks great in luon"
It's like some magical thing happens in those fitting rooms. They ask your name, what you love to do, and you think you're practically best friends with the educator by the time you get your subpar stretchies off and into the glorious black luon. And you put all your trust in your new bff, "DO these fit right? Like do they look ok?" 'GIRL! Those were made for you. Rock em. So good.'
Don't get me wrong, I loved being in the fitting room and helping women feel their best in the gear. But I also had lulu blinders on. Not everyone looks great in luon and lots of luon is still sheer. Do yourself a favor and know how fabrics should feel and fit and bend EVERY which way before buying anything, and when you LOVE it, get it! OR find some vintage lulu on eBay and buy that. The quality is worlds better than today's hodge podge.
It's like some magical thing happens in those fitting rooms. They ask your name, what you love to do, and you think you're practically best friends with the educator by the time you get your subpar stretchies off and into the glorious black luon. And you put all your trust in your new bff, "DO these fit right? Like do they look ok?" 'GIRL! Those were made for you. Rock em. So good.'
Don't get me wrong, I loved being in the fitting room and helping women feel their best in the gear. But I also had lulu blinders on. Not everyone looks great in luon and lots of luon is still sheer. Do yourself a favor and know how fabrics should feel and fit and bend EVERY which way before buying anything, and when you LOVE it, get it! OR find some vintage lulu on eBay and buy that. The quality is worlds better than today's hodge podge.
2. I CANT THINK of another word so cue the crap comments to me for saying, "it's a cult".
Disclaimer* Goals and visions and practice of leadership etc etc are GOOD, to an extent. But I'm talking about when it goes from bliss and "sweat dates" to what the huh?
The company empowers everyone, but mostly management almost too much. I recall a fear of messing up and being afraid of my leaders because I might not fit the lulu mold. They take the good parts (goals and practice of leadership) and make it more important than just being human and having a REAL conversation, between two real people. I felt like I was talking to a bunch of robots who's "intentions were to be genuine and real" but really they just say whatever is in the guidebook about personal responsibility, integrity or whatever it may be. I believe a lot of what lululemon does and teaches their employees is GOOD, but it doesn't always get interpreted or practiced that way. And I will direct you here for my thoughts on doing Landmark. One word: NOPE.
Disclaimer* Goals and visions and practice of leadership etc etc are GOOD, to an extent. But I'm talking about when it goes from bliss and "sweat dates" to what the huh?
The company empowers everyone, but mostly management almost too much. I recall a fear of messing up and being afraid of my leaders because I might not fit the lulu mold. They take the good parts (goals and practice of leadership) and make it more important than just being human and having a REAL conversation, between two real people. I felt like I was talking to a bunch of robots who's "intentions were to be genuine and real" but really they just say whatever is in the guidebook about personal responsibility, integrity or whatever it may be. I believe a lot of what lululemon does and teaches their employees is GOOD, but it doesn't always get interpreted or practiced that way. And I will direct you here for my thoughts on doing Landmark. One word: NOPE.
3. Clearing the pipeline is a thing
And it refers to getting rid of employees who no longer bring life to the store, mesh with the team or just that the manager(s) don't like. You get a slap on the wrist -warning- to fix your inadequacies, but they already know you're toast. And just like that they cut the cord, and replace you with someone else on the team or from another store. Ugh talk about walking on eggshells.
And it refers to getting rid of employees who no longer bring life to the store, mesh with the team or just that the manager(s) don't like. You get a slap on the wrist -warning- to fix your inadequacies, but they already know you're toast. And just like that they cut the cord, and replace you with someone else on the team or from another store. Ugh talk about walking on eggshells.
4. Good and Bad Apples
The good apples make you feel like you're at home every time you walk in the door and make the brand stay alive these days. They're the ones who remember your name, what you purchased, your life events and give great hugs. There are a few really great apples I've met during my 7 store "career" (SEVEN, don't tell me I haven't seen it all).
The good apples are really good, but the bad apples ruin the bunch and can be the reason you leave a company you loved. Beyond employee stuff, I know plenty of people who have had awful in-store experiences and cursed lulu forever. Those employees suck and I'm not wasting time on them. They are also the ones who probably use the lulu handbook as a guidebook for life. Seriously. These are the ones who I will never step foot in their store again because they are just not nice, and when friends want to know about getting a job there I tell them to stay far away. Because crazy kills, kids.
The good apples make you feel like you're at home every time you walk in the door and make the brand stay alive these days. They're the ones who remember your name, what you purchased, your life events and give great hugs. There are a few really great apples I've met during my 7 store "career" (SEVEN, don't tell me I haven't seen it all).
The good apples are really good, but the bad apples ruin the bunch and can be the reason you leave a company you loved. Beyond employee stuff, I know plenty of people who have had awful in-store experiences and cursed lulu forever. Those employees suck and I'm not wasting time on them. They are also the ones who probably use the lulu handbook as a guidebook for life. Seriously. These are the ones who I will never step foot in their store again because they are just not nice, and when friends want to know about getting a job there I tell them to stay far away. Because crazy kills, kids.
5. If you want to work there, act like it.Working for this company can be a total BLAST! But, sometimes they make you earn your spot. Stalk the store, go to every community event you can and act like you would be the perfect fit on that team.
6. It's the greatest place to work during Christmas.
I really don't know if thats true because I've spent many retail Christmases working at lulu. But it's fun and typically there is always a great staff treat. My first year (the best one) we had to come in extra early for a meeting only to be led around the mall by a Hershey's kiss trail to a SPA! We got pedis and coffee and crepes! It was so cute.
7. People still make you cry
Yup, even at a happy store like lulu, people can be jerks and make you cry. AMERICA, GET WITH IT. WE CAN'T CHANGE STORE POLICIES FOR YOU. SHUTUP AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND DONT MAKE THE PRETTY GIRL CRY. IT'S NOT EVEN HER FAULT. geesh.
8. The community is pretty legit.The ambassadors, in-store classes and sweat dates in local studios is great. It's truly an awesome thing they've done and continue to do in the community. Some are clearly stronger than others, but all in all, a great intention/cause. SWEAT, PEOPLE, SWEAT!
9. They desperately need a lulu swap.Especially for employees. SO much lulu loot and the only "legal" thing you can do is give it away. SAY WHAT? That shits expensive. And the lululemon resale market IS BONKERS. A lulu swap (bring in your old gear for a credit, or to swap with others!) would be a great alternative to the ban on employees selling old gear.
10. Not the same.
I do miss the brand I fell in love with 5 years ago. This one is good, just not the same. #stuckinthepast But I mean, if you've got a good thing, why change it?! BRING BACK VINTAGE LUON.
6. It's the greatest place to work during Christmas.
I really don't know if thats true because I've spent many retail Christmases working at lulu. But it's fun and typically there is always a great staff treat. My first year (the best one) we had to come in extra early for a meeting only to be led around the mall by a Hershey's kiss trail to a SPA! We got pedis and coffee and crepes! It was so cute.
7. People still make you cry
Yup, even at a happy store like lulu, people can be jerks and make you cry. AMERICA, GET WITH IT. WE CAN'T CHANGE STORE POLICIES FOR YOU. SHUTUP AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND DONT MAKE THE PRETTY GIRL CRY. IT'S NOT EVEN HER FAULT. geesh.
8. The community is pretty legit.The ambassadors, in-store classes and sweat dates in local studios is great. It's truly an awesome thing they've done and continue to do in the community. Some are clearly stronger than others, but all in all, a great intention/cause. SWEAT, PEOPLE, SWEAT!
9. They desperately need a lulu swap.Especially for employees. SO much lulu loot and the only "legal" thing you can do is give it away. SAY WHAT? That shits expensive. And the lululemon resale market IS BONKERS. A lulu swap (bring in your old gear for a credit, or to swap with others!) would be a great alternative to the ban on employees selling old gear.
10. Not the same.
I do miss the brand I fell in love with 5 years ago. This one is good, just not the same. #stuckinthepast But I mean, if you've got a good thing, why change it?! BRING BACK VINTAGE LUON.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/
http://thoughtcatalog.com/anonymous/2013/12/28-things-i-learned-while-working-for-lululemon-athletica/
Saturday, August 16, 2014
Moving on Chapter..8?
So at this point, none of you are the LEAST bit surprised that I am on the move again!
I really cannot believe I have lived in another country for 7 months, in the middle east at that. It has been a learning experience but that is an understatement. I have learned so much about myself, my limits, my strengths- both mentally and physically, cultural and lifestyle differences. This has been hands down the greatest experience of my life and I am forever grateful for this opportunity. I am coming back to the states with a new self confidence - in my words, actions, training, and mostly in my coaching. I realize that not everyone is cut out for this kind of adventure, and even I had to cut my time a little bit short. Even so, in my time here, I have visited 3 countries on top of Kuwait, met and worked with individuals from all over the globe, and eaten SO MUCH GOOD FOOD :)
What I am taking away for myself and my future self is to simply continue to be me, not live in any molds that I don't have to, and to love fearlessly. Plain and simple. This life is no one's to dictate; if I want to live in 76 different places by the time I'm thirty, that's ok. If I want to be a crossfit coach, or in retail, or work with kids, or go to school, or be a massage therapist or a chef, or ALL of them, that's ok. I can't feel guilty for this AMAZING life I have been so blessed to live. I can tell you that I am ready to settle down (somewhat ;) ) and create and build my future. I've traveled the world, met the man of my dreams, and now I am ready to build a community and enjoy the first LONG chapter of my life. Life is way to short to be someone you don't enjoy being or live somewhere you aren't 110% made happy by. Life is too short to live in mediocrity or convince yourself you are where you want to be, doing what you want to do. If it no longer ignites your spirit, find what does! Sometimes it surprises us, sometimes we take a long time to believe it ourselves. Money, great company and security is GOOD, but life balance is even better. I wanted to be "all-in", but sometimes we can't convince our brain what our heart already knows.
Do what you love.
And if at some point you fall out of love with it, that's ok.
Find something new and stoke a whole new fire.
Life is like that, it lets you start over.
But life doesn't let you rewind and that's comforting.
Whether it's a broad jump, a hop of the pond, 27 cities in 6 months.. you're going forward.
I'm thankful for so many things coming out of this journey. God has been good to me both literally and metaphorically "in the desert". Without my faith, I'm not sure how the middle east would have been for me. I felt very alone at times, maybe even more so because my beliefs were quite scarce here. But being able to pray and start new everyday was just a comfort I never noticed before. With no local fellowship or church home for 7 months, I am grateful beyond words for a God who listens, friends and family who pray for me and also encourage me. Going home, I am going to cherish the body of Christ and the church more than I ever have. I do hate that it took having little to zero access compared to what I had such a plethora of back home for me to understand the depth of the church and how she impacts my life. I cannot wait to worship alongside some brothers and sisters in Christ and hug some friends.
The biggest take-away I have in the aspect of my training came from my first injury. About a week before my three week long vacation, I fell down the stairs and severely sprained my ankle. So much so that I passed out afterwards and had to get a back slab cast for a week. BUMMER. It was removed when I was in England, and praise God I could walk on it for the remainder of vacation. But I couldn't train, I could hardly squat. That mentally messed me up; I had been planning on training with these amazing Chinese athletes in Beijing and now all I could do was watch. Coming off of some serious gains finally on the CompTrain and not training for 3 weeks upset me. BUT, coming home and still not being able to train was even worse. Being in pain, range of motion limited, and patience at an all time low- I wanted to quit. Training was a mental mind *&#%. But it is teaching me/has taught me, that I have to be patient and kind with myself and my body. And that pushing through pain is sometimes OK, but sometimes you gotta pump the brakes and not always just "follow the programming".
Thank you for all your love and support the past 7 months while I have been abroad. The packages, letters, messages have been a blessing. I am so excited to start my next journey, but more excited to just relax and breathe for a little bit with family and friends.
I will be home for SURE Aug 31-Sept 9... Lots of job interviews and real life to catch up on after that! I will have my old number when I am back- please reach out to me, there are so many of you I want to connect with!
Texas... I'm sorry :( I won't be seeing you soon.
I really cannot believe I have lived in another country for 7 months, in the middle east at that. It has been a learning experience but that is an understatement. I have learned so much about myself, my limits, my strengths- both mentally and physically, cultural and lifestyle differences. This has been hands down the greatest experience of my life and I am forever grateful for this opportunity. I am coming back to the states with a new self confidence - in my words, actions, training, and mostly in my coaching. I realize that not everyone is cut out for this kind of adventure, and even I had to cut my time a little bit short. Even so, in my time here, I have visited 3 countries on top of Kuwait, met and worked with individuals from all over the globe, and eaten SO MUCH GOOD FOOD :)
What I am taking away for myself and my future self is to simply continue to be me, not live in any molds that I don't have to, and to love fearlessly. Plain and simple. This life is no one's to dictate; if I want to live in 76 different places by the time I'm thirty, that's ok. If I want to be a crossfit coach, or in retail, or work with kids, or go to school, or be a massage therapist or a chef, or ALL of them, that's ok. I can't feel guilty for this AMAZING life I have been so blessed to live. I can tell you that I am ready to settle down (somewhat ;) ) and create and build my future. I've traveled the world, met the man of my dreams, and now I am ready to build a community and enjoy the first LONG chapter of my life. Life is way to short to be someone you don't enjoy being or live somewhere you aren't 110% made happy by. Life is too short to live in mediocrity or convince yourself you are where you want to be, doing what you want to do. If it no longer ignites your spirit, find what does! Sometimes it surprises us, sometimes we take a long time to believe it ourselves. Money, great company and security is GOOD, but life balance is even better. I wanted to be "all-in", but sometimes we can't convince our brain what our heart already knows.
Do what you love.
And if at some point you fall out of love with it, that's ok.
Find something new and stoke a whole new fire.
Life is like that, it lets you start over.
But life doesn't let you rewind and that's comforting.
Whether it's a broad jump, a hop of the pond, 27 cities in 6 months.. you're going forward.
I'm thankful for so many things coming out of this journey. God has been good to me both literally and metaphorically "in the desert". Without my faith, I'm not sure how the middle east would have been for me. I felt very alone at times, maybe even more so because my beliefs were quite scarce here. But being able to pray and start new everyday was just a comfort I never noticed before. With no local fellowship or church home for 7 months, I am grateful beyond words for a God who listens, friends and family who pray for me and also encourage me. Going home, I am going to cherish the body of Christ and the church more than I ever have. I do hate that it took having little to zero access compared to what I had such a plethora of back home for me to understand the depth of the church and how she impacts my life. I cannot wait to worship alongside some brothers and sisters in Christ and hug some friends.
The biggest take-away I have in the aspect of my training came from my first injury. About a week before my three week long vacation, I fell down the stairs and severely sprained my ankle. So much so that I passed out afterwards and had to get a back slab cast for a week. BUMMER. It was removed when I was in England, and praise God I could walk on it for the remainder of vacation. But I couldn't train, I could hardly squat. That mentally messed me up; I had been planning on training with these amazing Chinese athletes in Beijing and now all I could do was watch. Coming off of some serious gains finally on the CompTrain and not training for 3 weeks upset me. BUT, coming home and still not being able to train was even worse. Being in pain, range of motion limited, and patience at an all time low- I wanted to quit. Training was a mental mind *&#%. But it is teaching me/has taught me, that I have to be patient and kind with myself and my body. And that pushing through pain is sometimes OK, but sometimes you gotta pump the brakes and not always just "follow the programming".
Thank you for all your love and support the past 7 months while I have been abroad. The packages, letters, messages have been a blessing. I am so excited to start my next journey, but more excited to just relax and breathe for a little bit with family and friends.
I will be home for SURE Aug 31-Sept 9... Lots of job interviews and real life to catch up on after that! I will have my old number when I am back- please reach out to me, there are so many of you I want to connect with!
Texas... I'm sorry :( I won't be seeing you soon.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Grace on grace on grace
"When you're ready for grace, grace will arrive.
If you expect trouble, trouble will run to your door. Seek grace."
This was sent to me this week. It was neither coincidental or cliche, it was needed and necessary.
For over three months, I have been living in a Middle Eastern country. One that, upon arrival, I was very optimistic about being in. Morale was quite high when I got here. In fact, I was pretty gung-ho about a lot of things: finding a church to go to, getting involved there, keeping myself positive, encouraging others, not letting the enemy "eat my stinkin lunch".
Oh hey, but reality is a bit different.
Three months later and I have not crumbled, but turned into a version of myself I am very weary of.
See, all the things I had set out to be never came to fruition. In fact, just about the polar opposite happened. It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of 90 days in the desert, I DID let the enemy eat my stinkin lunch. My attitude changed. Negativity has taken over my thoughts, my words, and my actions. I could sit here and list all the justifications of that negativity, but at the end of the day, I choose how to be- not the people I work with or for, not the country I live in or its culture.
Though I no longer hide a lot of my emotions like I have been known to do in the past, what most people hear and see of me is not encouraging. Speaking of emotions, with my new found negativity, I find myself in tears quite often. Moments of quiet turn into hiding my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion- it just comes out as water from my eyeballs. Moments of quiet used to be my sanity, my sanctuary. Now I can hardly stand the solitude.
Why? In the solitude now, I find myself not with grace and love, but sitting beside anger and rage and selfishness. It makes me physically uncomfortable.
And so that quote.
Sort of hit me like a semi-truck the morning I read it.
I literally just had ANOTHER conversation over my doubts and fears of getting hurt in the future. Pre-desert Sasha didn't do that.
Regardless- I realized that my doubts and fears were just me standing in the middle of the road ASKING for trouble to come. Instead of trusting this person, I just threw their love back in their face, doubting them instead of just allowing them to love me fully. I was creating a problem that didn't even exist. I needed to run to the grace that has already covered my doubts and my fears. The same grace that will cover my change of attitude, loss of heart, my negativity when it comes to my life. I may have let the devil steal my joy, I may have given up, I may have tried to solve things on my own and doubted more than I will ever need to, BUT grace is just sitting there waiting for me to let go and be embraced again. Grace is telling me to trust and be the gentle happy spirit on the inside and outside. Doubt tells me I am going to get hurt, I am never going to be certain, trust will always escape me and I will always let the devil steal my joy.
I say no to that.
I say 90 days is long enough.
As I embark on the next 90 days of this journey, please keep my heart, discernment and future decisions in your prayers. I really look forward to continue writing again and sharing my journey and experience with you all.
I know that where my sin and doubt lived- grace will live even more.
If you expect trouble, trouble will run to your door. Seek grace."
This was sent to me this week. It was neither coincidental or cliche, it was needed and necessary.
For over three months, I have been living in a Middle Eastern country. One that, upon arrival, I was very optimistic about being in. Morale was quite high when I got here. In fact, I was pretty gung-ho about a lot of things: finding a church to go to, getting involved there, keeping myself positive, encouraging others, not letting the enemy "eat my stinkin lunch".
Oh hey, but reality is a bit different.
Three months later and I have not crumbled, but turned into a version of myself I am very weary of.
See, all the things I had set out to be never came to fruition. In fact, just about the polar opposite happened. It didn't happen overnight, but over the course of 90 days in the desert, I DID let the enemy eat my stinkin lunch. My attitude changed. Negativity has taken over my thoughts, my words, and my actions. I could sit here and list all the justifications of that negativity, but at the end of the day, I choose how to be- not the people I work with or for, not the country I live in or its culture.
Though I no longer hide a lot of my emotions like I have been known to do in the past, what most people hear and see of me is not encouraging. Speaking of emotions, with my new found negativity, I find myself in tears quite often. Moments of quiet turn into hiding my face because I am overwhelmed with emotion- it just comes out as water from my eyeballs. Moments of quiet used to be my sanity, my sanctuary. Now I can hardly stand the solitude.
Why? In the solitude now, I find myself not with grace and love, but sitting beside anger and rage and selfishness. It makes me physically uncomfortable.
And so that quote.
Sort of hit me like a semi-truck the morning I read it.
I literally just had ANOTHER conversation over my doubts and fears of getting hurt in the future. Pre-desert Sasha didn't do that.
Regardless- I realized that my doubts and fears were just me standing in the middle of the road ASKING for trouble to come. Instead of trusting this person, I just threw their love back in their face, doubting them instead of just allowing them to love me fully. I was creating a problem that didn't even exist. I needed to run to the grace that has already covered my doubts and my fears. The same grace that will cover my change of attitude, loss of heart, my negativity when it comes to my life. I may have let the devil steal my joy, I may have given up, I may have tried to solve things on my own and doubted more than I will ever need to, BUT grace is just sitting there waiting for me to let go and be embraced again. Grace is telling me to trust and be the gentle happy spirit on the inside and outside. Doubt tells me I am going to get hurt, I am never going to be certain, trust will always escape me and I will always let the devil steal my joy.
I say no to that.
I say 90 days is long enough.
As I embark on the next 90 days of this journey, please keep my heart, discernment and future decisions in your prayers. I really look forward to continue writing again and sharing my journey and experience with you all.
I know that where my sin and doubt lived- grace will live even more.
Saturday, April 19, 2014
Newness.
I think I would be pretty accurate in stating that this blog has been, oh I guess, 4 years in the making now. You know, the blog where I write about all my adventures ending. All the crazy awesome stuff I inspired people with over the span of 8 moves, twice as many different jobs, 18 times as many new friends, a couple of best friends along the way and a lot of traveling- the end of that era.
It's now.
Cue the "I told you so's."
The state I am in right now is one I have never felt before. I think it's what most people have felt by the time they are my age...heartbreak. My adventure chapter is ending, and my heart is breaking over it.
How do I know it's over?
Because I have changed. My heart has changed. It has changed in a way I can't get back like I used to be able to. I'm not bouncing back. It's like someone literally stuck a vacuum tube straight to my heart and sucked the solo-don't-give-a-damn-adventure life out of it. That was an unnecessary picture, but that's what it feels like.
Here's the kicker- I am also in love -I guess I should mention that. Even though the adventure life has been sucked out, it has been doubly replaced with the L-word.
So there's that. Kind of a doozy. I mean, if you KNOW me, that bomb is a big, lethal deal.
And I'm just sitting here with these two polar opposite feelings and just looking at them. Kind of like being at a family dinner with both your current fiance and your ex-long-term-boyfriend. Weird. Don't do that.
Most of the time, I run from the latter. I run from the feeling of being alive, I run from the feeling, thought, sound, taste and anything else to do with love. I find my aliveness in being gone. I THINK I am alive in my adventure. So instead of literally running away, I am looking love straight in the eyeballs. It's scary and I have found myself saying things I never thought I would say and doing things I used to roll my eyes at when I saw others doing or saying in public. But that's what love does to one I suppose.
Yes, the chapter of my forever alone adventures is ending quietly. I will miss those days, but I cannot spend the entirety of my time running away from life and calling it adventure number X, trying to recreate all those moments and keep searching for new ones. I especially cannot do this when love has fallen right into my lap. A new chapter has already started and I don't want to miss a second of it.
It's now.
Cue the "I told you so's."
The state I am in right now is one I have never felt before. I think it's what most people have felt by the time they are my age...heartbreak. My adventure chapter is ending, and my heart is breaking over it.
How do I know it's over?
Because I have changed. My heart has changed. It has changed in a way I can't get back like I used to be able to. I'm not bouncing back. It's like someone literally stuck a vacuum tube straight to my heart and sucked the solo-don't-give-a-damn-adventure life out of it. That was an unnecessary picture, but that's what it feels like.
Here's the kicker- I am also in love -I guess I should mention that. Even though the adventure life has been sucked out, it has been doubly replaced with the L-word.
So there's that. Kind of a doozy. I mean, if you KNOW me, that bomb is a big, lethal deal.
And I'm just sitting here with these two polar opposite feelings and just looking at them. Kind of like being at a family dinner with both your current fiance and your ex-long-term-boyfriend. Weird. Don't do that.
Most of the time, I run from the latter. I run from the feeling of being alive, I run from the feeling, thought, sound, taste and anything else to do with love. I find my aliveness in being gone. I THINK I am alive in my adventure. So instead of literally running away, I am looking love straight in the eyeballs. It's scary and I have found myself saying things I never thought I would say and doing things I used to roll my eyes at when I saw others doing or saying in public. But that's what love does to one I suppose.
Yes, the chapter of my forever alone adventures is ending quietly. I will miss those days, but I cannot spend the entirety of my time running away from life and calling it adventure number X, trying to recreate all those moments and keep searching for new ones. I especially cannot do this when love has fallen right into my lap. A new chapter has already started and I don't want to miss a second of it.
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